The Ascended - 4. Chapter 4

“I…I didn’t mean for them to find out…they just could smell smoke on my clothes …and…and…they went in my pockets and found a joint.” Jared stuttered in an obvious attempt to save his own skin. So THIS is what it was all about, Jared had made the wrong friends, got in with the wrong crowd and made a HUGE mistake. “My parents are total Nazi’s, I couldn’t do anything about it dude, I swear! I begged and pleaded for them to just leave it and punish me, to not go to the cops but they just kept going on about how ‘serious’ it was. Your brother only got taken in for questioning so…”

“DON’T YOU GET IT DUMBASS? They are WATCHING him now, the cops make it personal when you give drugs to minors, what they’re doing to him now is bordering on fucking POLICE HARASSMENT! It’s your fault. You fucked up my brothers business!” Brandon yelled with an infuriating leer that no doubt was scaring Jared something awful. That’s when I knew that conversation has ceased and the inevitable violent end of this debacle was going to happen and now! Brandon lunged forward before we could do anything to stop him, he was furious, I mean there’s angry and then there’s just borderline insanity. What the hell was this guy on? Oh wait…drug dealers brother…he probably WAS on SOMETHING.

Brandon grabbed Jared’s collar with two hands and shoved him up against one of the huge oak trees that we were sheltered under. I guess my past self and Pete just thought he was going to give him a bit of a shake you know? I mean seriously there wasn’t much we could have done in the few seconds it took to grab him anyway. That’s when Brandon started hitting him, in the stomach and in the face or anywhere else he could get a blow in. I stepped forward about the same time Pete did, I mean COME ON this was ridiculous, all this over a few drugs? That’s when the rest of the group reacted, they stood in the way, creating a barrier between me, Pete and the fighting. An ominous crunch could be heard even over the attempts and advances of Brandon’s personal guard. HE BROKE THE POOR GUYS NOSE! Jared’s scream echoed off of the tree and across the field, wasn’t anyone going to come and help?

“Brandon! Stop it man, you’ve made your point, you’re really going to hurt him if you aren’t careful.” My past self spluttered in an attempt to try and calm the guy down. I just screamed over and over inside our mind RUN, just RUN, we had to do something about this, I couldn’t just let him die, not again. I was frozen, forced to watch the same events unfold again and again. The inner agony was building inside me more and more, the utter hopelessness and sadness filled me up and it became difficult to watch, but I had no choice, I wasn’t in control this time round.

Pete obviously had enough because he pushed his way through our ‘guards’ and shoved Brandon off of Jared, onto the ground. Why couldn’t the guards have stopped Pete? Why couldn’t they have just done the ONE THING they were meant to? My past self was frozen in fear, he couldn’t move and I think even if I could have sustained some form of control, it would have been useless; my inner sorrow blanketed everything within me including any possibility of movement. The whole thing seemed to happen in slow motion now, not that it meant I could do anything about it, I understood that now, events were fixed, I had no way of fixing anything.

“Get the FUCK off me PETER! I’m going to teach this little bastard a lesson and you or anyone else who tries to get in my way!” He roared with a narcotic induced fury. Pete just stood in his way; he refused to see someone else in pain. I just couldn’t understand why my past self wouldn’t move to help him! He was our friend. WHY WON’T MY BODY MOVE?!?

“I’m not going to let you push your weight around and risk doing something you’ll live to regret, drug induced stupor or not and for the record, my names PETE!” Pete said sternly, in an attempt to persuade Brandon to calm down and control himself. He answered simply with a shake of his head, he refused, this wasn’t just about his brother anymore, this was about protecting his own pride. I looked down at Jared lying in a heap at the feet of both Pete and Brandon at the bottom of that old oak tree. He was silent, in obvious awe over the gift Pete had given him. Pete was putting his only safety on the line for someone he barely knew, that’s Pete for you, I wish I was as brave.

A metallic click was the next thing that sounded; I’ve heard it so many times in my minds eye, again and again. It’s a sound that has haunted me for the past two years and it will probably haunt me much into the future, the unmistakable sound of a knife being flicked out. My past self couldn’t help but think is he serious? What the hell is this guy thinking?!?!

“GET THE FUCK BACK NOW! OR I’LL SLICE AND DICE YOU UNTIL THERES NOTHING LEFT!” Brandon roared, he was well and truly past all logical reason at this point, Pete should have stood back, this WAS the point of no return or whatever other analogy you wanted to use. THIS was when he should have stood back and let the punk get pummeled for all he’s done but of course, being Pete, he didn’t. My past self refused to admit it but I knew better, I knew what was coming. Brandon lunged forward with the knife, surprisingly in Jared’s direction which suggests that stabbing Jared was his TRUE plan all along. What Brandon wasn’t expecting was for Pete to jump right in front at the last second to try and stop this vicious act of violence and brutality against another human being who he cared about. My past self and I agonized in unison as we saw the whole thing play out in front of us.

Brandon struck out with his knife and a silent but deadly squelch was all we heard as he buried the knife into Pete’s stomach. My past self was thinking that we will never forget the look of shock, horror and despair in Pete’s eyes. I knew we wouldn’t and I knew I would see it again. I didn’t know where but I knew I was going to see that look again in someone else’s eyes or maybe I already had? Who knows I don’t remember much about my death. The pain and agony inside me was so great, so undeniable, I wanted to burst out crying, I wanted to fall to my knees and never look at anyone again. What you have to remember was my past self was in control of the body, he chose how I got to grieve and right now he was in shock.

That’s when the shock of what he had done finally set in on Brandon’s face. He and his group of muscle ran off back across the field and Jared ran off to try and get help. I was left alone with Pete and the deepest sadness you can possibly imagine. It’s far deeper and more crushing then the first time when I was my past self. So this was the cursed side of being an enlightened being. Not only were your feelings dangerous to those around you but they had the potential to cause much more personal and emotional pain. In combination with memory immersion, it means that I have these huge and horrible feelings and I can’t express them. It’s like I have no choice but to bottle them all up inside of me and hope they won’t overrun me completely with their blanket of darkness and despair.

My past self slowly walked us over to Pete who was now lying on the ground, whimpering quietly in agony as a steady stream of blood escaped his abdomen. We MUST have had some kind of link between us because looking at him in pain just increased my pain so much.

“HANG ON PETE! You HAVE to hang on…an ambulance will be here in no time and they’ll fix you up buddy!” My past self said desperately, who was I trying to comfort though, me or Pete? The futility of calling an ambulance was obvious to us both but I don’t think my past self was ready to admit that, quite yet. “…Pete…I’m so sorry buddy…this is all my fault…I should have helped you. I was just scared. I’m such a coward and-“

“No bud! Don’t think that way now okay, you are NOT a coward and I don’t blame you. You’re my best friend, just make sure that if anything happens to me, live life to the fullest and don’t look back. Tell my parents I love th-“

“It’s okay! You can tell them yourself when they met you at the hospital, you’ll be fine!” My past self said desperately. I was personally frozen with so many emotions depression, sadness and anxiety over the impending loss. Why was this so hard? It had happened TWO YEARS ago, I thought the pain was gone, I thought I’d moved on from it already.

“Please just tell my parents that I love them…and I love you, you’re my best friend! You were always there for me and I’m so glad you were here with me…u-until the end.” He spluttered as he started to cough up blood. He struggled for a few moments longer against an invisible enemy that I couldn’t protect him from, that no one could protect him from.

“R-remember it’s not how I died that’s imp-important…Remember how I li-lived…” and a final breath escaped his lips. That shadow behind his eyes, that spark, it was gone and he disappeared into the void of nothingness. The seeds of blame in my past self’s mind, most of all, were centered on himself. He blamed himself for what happened to Pete. I guess I now am beginning to understand that Pete was going to do anything he could to help Jared; it’s just the type of person he was.

The next part of the memory seemed to go past in a blink of an eye; I think it was a combination of shock and my mind accelerating through unimportant parts of the memory immersion process. Well they weren’t unimportant, it was just my mind was focused on trying to deal with the massive amounts of emotional distress. As it happened before, my previous incarnation whispered to me in the back of my mind, it always leaves me wondering if it was a thought of mine rather than a conscious being talking to me.

“So! It seems you’re beginning to understand the way memory immersion works. You aren’t going back in time you are simply traveling back to a memory deep within your mind. Believe it or not, everyone has a crystal clear recollection of everything in their life stored in the subconscious mind. The normal human mind just can’t handle it. It seems you’re also beginning to understand that you can rewind, forward and move through the memory as you wish. Lastly remember the reason you feel such despair isn’t because you’re weak, enlightened beings have a higher state of emotional perception. It’s a defense mechanism to make sure we do the right thing when we set out to fight evil in the universe.” All of it makes sense; some things are finally starting to come together in this crazy situation. I just have to try and get on top of this emotional turmoil, this sea of emotion was drowning me in sadness, a despair I thought I was over.

After a time I found myself standing in front of a congregation at the local Catholic Church; the same church I was forced to attend every week. The paramedics couldn’t do anything for Pete, he was pronounced dead right there on the back field, the internal damage was just too severe. My past self still couldn’t believe that he was gone; he was still in shock over the loss which in a way explains why I never really got any closure from the funeral the first time.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there. I do not sleep….” My past self said as he tried to read a poem he’d found online that he thought MIGHT be good enough to celebrate Pete’s memory. “I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain.” He continued as tears silent tears made their way done our cheeks leaving nothing but a silvery trail that glistened in the sunlight streaming in through the open window.

I can’t express how much of a relief it was to release some of the anxiety, sadness and depression over what happened. So much emotion and sadness melted away from me when those tears fell from my past self’s cheeks, it was like he was finally releasing my burden. I think that’s why so many cultures have adapted funerals to their custom. It’s about grieving so that you can get past the suffering of losing that person, it’s about saying goodbye. “When you awake in the morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight.”

It’s so cruel the way he had to go, why couldn’t I have died then? I mean I’m dead now, only a couple of years later, at least my death might have had some meaning that way. I suppose in the end I have to concentrate on the future and try to let go. “I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.” After my past self finished reading the poem I guess I discovered it’s actually relatively similar to what happens when you do die. The body that’s left behind is meaningless in the grand scale of things, it’s overall purpose is to furtilize daffodils or crops that could potentially feed the next generation. It’s ironic that the divine being my past incarnation spoke of went to all this trouble to make us eco-friendly and biodegradable and what do we do? We stick ourselves in front of a HUGE, expensive piece of stone which in reality is wasting resources. Most people are probably content to follow this tradition because they feel it’s the proper way to honour the memory of a loved one and to get some kind of closure. I guess what we really should be doing is thinking about all the enlightened being who fight everyday to secure the galaxy in this so called ‘war’ they they’re fighting. I mean I don’t even know WHO we have to fight or why we’re fighting.

More time passed. This time round, the hymns, prayers and words that washed over me had meaning in my heart; they softened my pain and agony. They made the pain bearable. I don’t know why, maybe that’s really what funerals were for, dealing with the pain inside or just crying until you can’t cry anymore. That’s when I found myself as a pore bearer with my friends casket on my shoulder as we took him out back to his final resting place in the cemetery. The walk out to the back seemed to take my past self forever to travel; it was like he was TRYING to postpone the inevitable, he just COULDN’T let it go. I guess that’s what I was like before I took on the pain of entering memory immersion. I finally am understanding how beneficial it is to go over this again until I stop bottling up my feelings. Instead of letting go, instead of getting angry or depressed, I just silently raged at the world at the unfairness of it all. Really it’s about honoring Pete’s memory, he’s the hero in all this, he deserves to be remember. What makes it even easier to get through is the fact that I might meet him as an ascended being one day because we all become one of those right?

We stopped beside a deep hole near the back of the cemetery and there we laid his coffin and the priest started to lead us all in prayer. “In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother Peter and we commit his body to the ground…” Well they had one part of it right anyway, he was going to have eternal life, I guess everyone has that prospect. No doubt I’ll meet him someday as an enlightened being and together we can do what we can to protect the universe against whatever we have to protect it against. That’s when that same patronizing voice came on in the back of my head. This time it was a sort of sniggering, like he was finding my thoughts humorous.

“What?” I asked as I consciously made an effort to push out with my mind. “I’ll tell you when the time is right but until then remember that not EVERYONE can go to the same place because not everyone in the world is equal. Not everyone in the world has the same potential for goodness. Some beings are simply made to destroy and reek havoc on the universe, some beings take pleasure in creating chaos and following their own agenda to further their own existence.” So it seems although our thoughts and emotions give us the ability to bestow great kindness on our peers and other species, I guess there are those of us who would wish to take a path of darkness and despair.

“It shouldn’t surprise you to know that human beings are the most unstable of all other races. Every other species is either good or evil but humanity was a divine gift to the stars. A species of true diversity that potential to choose whether to be good or evil. Our race has so much potential, we are truly the guardian’s of the universe. It’s up to us to stand in the light, as enlightened beings of pure goodness and integrity. Remember your favorite movie, V for Vendetta, ‘…integrity sells for so little but it is all we really have, it is the very last inch of us but within that in, we are free.’ Its wisdom is clear and unsurpassable, accept it’s wisdom and move forward to better yourself. Most importantly, no matter what happens remember that there is a GOOD and an EVIL and it’s up to you to decide which you are before it’s too late.” How can he say so much while still saying so little, I need to know if my friends going to be okay, what happens if you ARE evil? There’s no hell? So is there somewhere worse? My past incarnation decided I had obviously learned enough for now and he stayed silent for the time being.

The wheels of time continued around me once more and the continued “ …earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him, the Lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace.” I just hope wherever he is, he’s happy, he deserves to be happy.

That final thought in my mind seemed to release all my agony, I’m free from the pain, it’s true and utter bliss. That’s when my surroundings dissolved and I found myself feeling the now familiar unconscious state envelopment me in it’s entirety. I became one with the darkness, a sea of memories and emotions scattered throughout the void of nothingness, maybe that’s what happens to human’s who are evil at their core. Maybe they are left as but a memory in the nothingness, a warning to all who would attempt to follow in their stead. I have a feeling though that the divine being would have been kinder to those who choose a different path, only time will tell.

After a time, I found myself back in that room with the same barriers but this time there was something different. The room was bright because of my incarnation’s aura or whatever it was. Even without it there was still a change in color, everything was noticeably brighter; it’s like the release of that memory’s agony increased my own personal sense of harmony and equilibrium inside of every part of my being.

“Ahh… it seems you are now realizing the results of your heartache and suffering has somewhat purified your being. Don’t think for a second that you are a fully fledged enlightened being because you aren’t. I’m simply acknowledging that you have obviously achieved something because of the change in color around us. The void or the infinite nothingness as you referred to it is now brightening up because of you.” Wait so that means I have to suffer MORE I mean seriously what could be worse than what I just went through? Watching my best friend bleed out onto the grass of the backfield of my school, somewhere I personally thought we’d be safe. It just brings a whole new type of doubt to the top of my mind; it makes me doubt all the people and places that I thought were safe in my life. Who else has stabbed me in the back? Who else has committed some unexpectedly monstrous crime against me without my knowledge?

“Stop dwelling on what you DO NOT know and dwell on what you do for a while. Have you thought anymore on the happy memory, the opposite we were talking about. This will give you a chance to feel the highs of being an enlightened being because there’s no point in living if all you receive is heartache in your valiant struggle in protecting the universe.” A happy memory, well I suppose the happiest thing I can remember is when Aiden told me he loved me… and even though the aftermath was awkward it was still the most fantastic and wonderful moment of my life, I’ll never forget it. I miss Aiden’s touch; I want him gliding back and forth against me once more, forever in my arms.