The Ascended - 3. Chapter 3

This makes no sense! I shouldn't be conscious in any way as I move through space, time or whatever else I'm moving through. Maybe I just need to concentrate harder, maybe I need to try and control my emotions and stop them from spiking out of control. That's what my previous incarnation had told me to do, after all. I concentrated on the memory as hard as I could, remembering every detail as clearly as possible, the smell, the sounds and the touch, everything that had been around me. That's when it happened, I finally returned to the proper state of unconsciousness and the same feeling washed over me as I felt like a vast amount of time seemed to pass. In many ways I can't say that it was a vast amount of time, it felt like it was vast, but in reality it could have been a few seconds and I wouldn't have know the difference.

After a while, I finally began to regain consciousness and instead of just appearing inside the body like last time, I found myself floating above a beautiful planet that was obviously very familiar, it was earth. I just hovered for a time, marveling at the gift I had been given. Very few get to see the world from where I'm gazing. It truly is inspiring. Why had my past incarnation and my guide to enlightenment left me to suffer through this process alone? He had shown me once, but his instructions for my attempt at the same process had been so vague, so difficult to understand. As if in response to my question, the same voice finally replied in the back of my mind. "Discovering how to use your memory immersion is an essential part of becoming an enlightened being. It's far more influential to your development if you do it alone. Besides, you managed it fine." Fine?!? That's what he calls FINE? I'm floating around my home planet; yeah I'm going great so far. I never want to have to do that alone again.

I understand why one's mind would want to lose consciousness traveling through the infinite void. It's mind altering and there's no doubt in my mind that anyone with high exposure for long periods of time would be driven insane. I really have to start to ask myself whether I AM in fact going insane, I mean I'm freely orbiting the planet like some kind of obscure satellite. I giggled to myself at what this must look like to anyone who happened to see a person flying in front of their satellite. Hey! Maybe I'll get my picture taken by the Hubble Space Telescope. What was really strange is that I was able to breath, giggle and somehow survive in the cold vacuum of space. I mean, shouldn't I be freezing to death at the very least? Not that I was complaining or anything because hey, I like living… or living as an enlightened being or somewhere between the two... WHATEVER I am.

Now that I had escaped the void, I began to wonder if it had been the lesser of two evils. I just HAVE to try and move on, I need to get into my past self's body so that I can continue on the process, to finish this journey so I can finally become a fully fledged enlightened being! I mean, I don't know much about being an enlightened being, but it HAS to be better than being stuck in a small space with a past reincarnation of myself and that would be the BEST CASE SCENARIO! I could end up stuck repeating one of my memories for all eternity…. What if… what if I was stuck repeating my best friend's death again and again? The pain never-ending, stuck in a constant loop for all eternity. Doesn't that just bring a whole new meaning to the infinite-loop concept? I couldn't take it anymore; the worrying was driving me crazy! So I concentrated with all of my might on that memory, I truly immersed myself in it. I can clearly hear, feel, see and taste every feeling in the memory. It's becoming clearer and clearer as I try and make sense of the process. Maybe this is what he meant! This wasn't like back in that small room made of barrier shielding. It was so much stronger, it's like… it's like I'm experiencing the memory again… the feeling is so surreal to me.

As if my subconscious mind was homing in on the location of the memory, I hovered around until I was roughly over my home town. Not that it was really easy to tell as I slowly orbited at some unimaginably high orbit around earth. I mean COME ON, the idea is ridiculous enough, but what you have to remember is I wasn't wearing any kind of breathing apparatus or space suit, I should be dead! I just want to get on with this horrible memory so that I can try to get past it. So I can move onto better and greater things as one of these 'enlightened beings'. That's when I stopped moving around the planet and accelerated towards earth at speed. What was I doing?!? This CAN'T be safe!! That's when the words of my past incarnation flickered through my mind…

I warn you now; emotions are the key to an enlightened ones power.

Wait! So because I want to get this over and done with I'm going in fast, too fast! I need to get control of my feelings and my thoughts! Seriously, this is insane, but it seems that my need to get this over and done with is further accelerating me through space. I have no idea what happens if I pass out or if I hit the ground at this speed! It can't be safe! I concentrated as hard as I could on going in at a slow pace but it seemed to all be in vain! My speed slowly increased as I began to enter the atmosphere, a positive was that I wasn't catching on fire; I guess the conventional rules of re-entry and gravity just don't apply!

I continued to plummet towards earth at an unbelievably high rate of speed and I'd like to say that there was some form of inertial dampener that was preventing me from passing out, but I was starting to feel light-headed. I can honestly understand why astronauts need to be trained for this stuff! I was losing control of my thoughts more and more as the inevitable panic set in. CONCENTRATE, TAKE CONTROL, I screamed to myself. The futility of my actions was obvious to me as I passed through the clouds and the school came in sight. I was less than 1000 feet up and that's when I felt it. It was like an emotional tug in the back of my head, a need to survive. Maybe it was a new part of me, as an enlightened one, that was being used for the first time, or maybe it was an instinct. Whatever it was, it filled me up and I screamed "STOP!!!" at the top of my lungs. The combination of the thought and the words empowering and enforcing that thought caused a huge deceleration and a huge *WOOSH* as I slowly hovered the last couple of feet to the ground.

As I hit the ground I noticed I was back inside my past self's body again. It's hard to explain, but in many ways, it felt good for someone else to be in control again. I felt so emotionally and physically drained after just GETTING here. It wasn't like I got to sit back in my past self's body and do nothing. It felt like I was in my body but there was a puppet master behind a curtain somewhere, pulling the strings. No one can fathom how tiring it was to HAVE to walk towards class, I didn't get a break, I HAD to keep going even if I WANTED to stop I couldn't. It was so infuriating to not have any control over what was happening. To make things worse, the feelings that I knew would devour me were approaching quickly, feelings that were the result of an event that changed my life in so many ways.

My past self walked us both into math class and took a seat near the back of the class. I had to go through this last time as well, suffering through lessons that I've already learned. Why can't I just get out of this class and move on to what I know is inevitably going to happen? Deep down I guess I didn't want to move on, it scared me to realize it, but what's to come is pain. Maybe this is pain that I'm just not ready to deal with. I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT! I HAVE TO MOVE ON! That's when the same feeling in the back of my mind kicked in, the same section of my mind that had allowed me to slow down when I was falling to earth. This time, instead of decelerating, I started to move faster, but it was different, so different. TIME ITSELF was moving at an unimaginably fast speed. It got faster and faster until finally, everything was moving at such speed that the memory turned into flashes of events during that fateful day. After a while, everything stopped and time decelerated back to its normal pace.

It was disorientating at first, it's like when you go on a ride at a fun park and you get off, it feels weird to be walking on your own two feet again. There I was, walking away from the classrooms and buildings onto the back field with my best friend in the entire world; everything was okay as long as I had him. I suppose I should stop referring to him as my 'best friend', his name was Pete and he meant the world to me. I wasn't attracted to him in any way, he was like a brother and a best friend mixed into one. Don't get me wrong, he was cute, with his curly brown hair, those radiant hazel eyes and that dazed expression on his face with just a hint of a grin. Whenever I looked at him, I couldn't help but smile. Up until recently, it has just been me and Pete against the world! As I've said before, I haven't had many friends because, for some reason, I just didn't get on with people, don't ask me why. Maybe it's the whole gay thing. Maybe I just can't stand the thought of lying to someone else. Deep down in my subconscious, I mightn't want friends altogether. Who knows? All that mattered was I had Pete! However, this other kid had recently started hanging out with me and Pete. I really didn't want to have to share, but I felt bad for the guy. His friends had deserted him after a fight; I still don't know what it was about. Well *I* knew but my past self was still in the dark. It was nice to just immerse myself in my past self's thoughts and feelings for a while. Pete was always the nicest guy though, and one day a while back, he noticed and wanted to help this kid out. The memory was still clear in my mind.

"Ian! Look at him man… he's sitting out there… eating all alone… it's just not right man, we have to at least ask him if he wants to hang out with us! I mean come on, didn't you say that he used to hang out with you as a kid? What was his name again?"

"Umm yeah he did, his name's Jared, we got on great as kids." I said hesitantly because Pete didn't need ANOTHER excuse to try and befriend him. It's not like he's a lost puppy or something, he can look after himself! That didn't stop Pete though; he walked over and introduced himself.

After a short chat, he simply said "Hey! I have an idea, why don't you come hangout with us man?" and that's all it took for Jared to become a permanent fixture in our group.

Now how weird is that? Was I just trying to immerse myself into another memory WHILE I'm in a memory already? Well that's just confusing! Anyway, my past self slowly moved us both further out onto the field with Pete at our side. Unlike my first stab at memory immersion, this attempt was so different; it's hard to explain. This time round it was two years ago, my past self was still an immature 14 year old who although was going through tough times, he still was just a kid in my eyes, a kid who was going to suffer so much more. It's amazing how quickly someone can age when they go through hell. I suppose it's the same reason that people describe young men returning from the war as old, decrepit and tired. My immature past self, as well as the unbelievably dangerous descent to earth, had made this memory immersion process seem more dangerous and unpredictable. I mean seriously! I don't want a younger version of me at the controls, thinking, feeling and moving around my body in a careless fashion! I guess I just have to trust that everything will play out how it did in my memory. But do I even want it to play out the same? Maybe my memory changing would be a good thing.

"Hey guys, wait up!" squeaked a pintsized version of the future Jared that we all know and hate. Okay maybe not hate, that's a bit harsh and that's so unlike me. I don't hate anyone… I just… dislike him! Yeah, I STRONGLY dislike Jared, that's a better way of putting it. I mean SERIOUSLY, think about it, how many people on a daily basis are callus and reckless with the English language? Using words like hate with the flick of your tongue with no further thought on the subject is becoming a more common practice. Text language isn't going to be the death of our language, a lack of understanding and meaning behind the words we use will mutilate it and destroy it far quicker.

"Alright, alright" my past self said lazily on autopilot and I came to an involuntary stop. Pete came to a halt beside me as we let Jared catch up. Jared stumbled briefly before sprinting to catch up. Jared himself was one of those adorable kids you just couldn't ignore; he still had his baby fat, which gave him those cute chubby cheeks that little kids have. His wavy dirty blond hair was way too long. It looked cute on some guys, but not Jared. This, in combination with a single stud in his ear, gave him the look of a 'brooding bad boy,' or at least he was TRYING to be a brooding bad boy. I mean seriously, he still looked like a kid; he even had those rosy red checks that would blush at even a hint of embarrassment, with a heavy sprinkle of freckles for good measure. So anyway, that's how the three of us got to the point where we were walking to the back of the field. We all sat down and had lunch. We talked, made jokes and just had fun. No adult can help but think, 'Isn't it great to be a kid?' Well today... today it was NOT great to be a kid, especially one who had to endure what we were about to.

When lunch was almost over, I noticed a group of guys slowly making their way over towards us. I wasn't concerned; they were allowed to go wherever they wanted. It's a free country, right? At least that's what my past self was thinking. I knew better. I knew what their arrival signified. Now this group of guys slowly moved closer and closer until my past self cottoned on, he realized who they were, Jared's old group of friends whose mysterious fallout had caused my current predicament. The leader of this group, who was striding out in front with a look on his face that would have melted concrete itself, was Brandon. Now that kid has issues. You know those psycho kids that you think "Christ, man, what have you been smoking?!?" Well, with Brandon, it's not a joke, you never do know what that kid's been doing, he's probably tried everything under the sun.

Brandon's older brother Fraser was rumored to be a local drug dealer, and by that, I mean that if you wanted drugs, Brandon could get whatever it was for you. Apparently, his brother had gone and done chemistry and a bunch of other courses at university and decided to make drugs for a living. What scum sucking, low life, piece of trash actually goes to university with the sole goal of becoming a drug dealer? Who actually SETS OUT to ruin people's lives? Anyway, my past self might have been 'unsure' about the legitimacy of these rumors, but I knew better. I knew that Brandon WAS a drug dealer. In fact, he got busted in his meth lab a month after the events that happened next.

My past self looked over towards Jared and he was REALLY freaked out. I mean seriously, the kid was one fright away from pissing his pants! Now this should have been a warning sign for me and Pete to walk away and quickly, but NO, we stuck around waiting to see what the story was. After what felt like an eternity of waiting on my part, Brandon and his cronies were finally upon us. He stood on his invisible pedestal and looked at the rest of us with arrogance and contempt. Now I know what you're thinking, how can a kid show arrogance and contempt THIS clearly? Well it was obvious with Brandon, because he was SERIOUSLY pissed off and what my past self couldn't see was that he was out for blood, Jared's blood.

"You thought you could get away with snitching on MY brother?" Brandon roared in our direction. He was FURIOUS; I mean seriously, the guy was practically foaming at the mouth. If he wasn't standing up, one could have seriously mistaken his symptoms for a seizure. All he needed to do was start wiggling around frantically and he'd make a believer out of me. "What the hell, man! I let you hang out with me and my bro. I let you use my drugs. I let you become one of the gang and THIS is how you repay me? WHO THE HELL NARKS, MAN? Just because your parents find some weed on you, it doesn't mean you tell them everything and let them go straight to the cops. You used to be cool man…"

Those last six words echoed in my mind again and again and again…"You used to be cool man…you used to be cool man……to be cool……cool." Why do those words sound so familiar to me? I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER! It's important! I know it is! They didn't register with my past self at all, that's how I knew. They MUST have something to do with my death… I still can't remember the last 24 hours or so before my death, or my death itself. It still seems strange to be saying death… but yeah, WHAT IS IT?

That's when that same familiar voice echoed in the back of my mind once more. "Don't concern yourself with recent events until you can grasp the events which have occurred earlier in your life." HOW DARE HE TRY AND TALK TO ME NOW? After all the strife I've been through to get here, NOW he tries to give ME advice. God, he has a nerve. I suppose technically I have a nerve because he IS me, after all, but hey, let's not confuse matters anymore than we have to, right? Anyway, the voice disappeared again as quickly as it had come and I was back in the same horrible situation. What you have to understand is that this confusion and associated thought patterns passed in a few seconds, which further aggravated and added to my impending anxiety.

The event that I had been waiting to process was approaching and I didn't want it to. I didn't want to feel it all over again, I wanted to go hide at home in my room and my blankets and never look back. That's when it happened; there was a flash and time itself in the memory seemed to flicker. What the effect of the flash was, I don't know, but then I suddenly understood as soon as Brandon opened his mouth again. "You thought you could get away with snitching on MY brother? What the hell, man! I let you hang out with me and my bro. I let you use my drugs. I let you become one of the gang and THIS is how you repay me? WHO THE HELL NARKS, MAN? Just because your parents find some weed on you, it doesn't mean you tell them everything and let them go straight to the cops. You used to be cool man…"

Wait, didn't he just finish saying that exact same thing? Did I reverse time in the memory because of my obvious and conscious need to keep away from the memory because of the pain that accompanies it? That HAD to be it… he did say that emotions and feelings were the key to one of these 'enlightened ones' powers. I think I'm beginning to understand why it's so important to gain some level of control. If one of these beings has a huge amount of power and energy, and he lets his bias and discrimination get the better of him, it could be genocide and the removal of an ENTIRE species of being in an instant. The thought alone is scary, maybe my need for knowledge allowed me to delve into the unconscious knowledge of the enlightened ones, all I know is what I was telling myself made a lot of sense and I KNEW deep down that I was on the right track.

A wise proverb I came across once said, "A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." Whatever pain is inside of me, I have to work though it, I have to face it, embrace it and make my peace with it because the pain and suffering within me is part of who I am. Life is but a collection of these experiences and knowledge, knowledge and experience that I will use to better all enlightened ones as well as others in the universe at large.