I live for me - 1. Chapter 1

Pushing the sheets away, Hiro Kazamu sat up and stared at the money on the bedside table and felt nausea rise up. Running for the bathroom, he barely made it to the toilet before retching everything he’d managed to eat in the past eight hours. He heaved until there was nothing left. Pressing a hand to his stomach, he reached up to flush the toilet. Closing the lid, he leaned on it for a moment.

How could that man treat him this way? Refusing to think about it, he got up slowly and turned on the water at the sink. Rinsing his mouth, he splashed water on his face and glanced up at the mirror right above the sink. Dark obsidian eyes looked back at him bleakly. His black hair was sticking up from being ravaged by that man’s fingers. That man liked that, grabbing at his hair, it had felt good, now the thought sickened him. Bringing a trembling hand up to touch the corner of his lip, he winced at the bruise there. He’d gotten it the day before. It was also the main reason why he was standing here wishing that he could just undo the past twenty-four hours.

“I live for me,” he whispered to the slender man looking back at him in the mirror. Maybe if he said it a billion times, he might start believing in it. Shaking, he turned away from the sight of his body marked with love bites, he stumbled into the shower and turned it as hot as his skin could handle. Grabbing a loafer, he started scrubbing at his skin.

Thinking about his life, he wondered what would make that man think that he needed to be paid for having sex. He was a child that had grown up in a very normal family, his mother was a doctor at the city hospital, and his father was an executive at an accounting firm. He was their only son and hadn’t lacked for anything material. Even their love was freely offered, he thought as he cleaned the stench of that bastard off his body. Now at nineteen, how was it that he was turning into a person who couldn’t find a man to love him for him? Touching a tender spot on his neck, he closed his eyes at the memory of a soft kiss and murmured words, arms rubbing up his back, and pulling him tightly into a very hard and deliciously hot body. He’d been going crazy at the heat. His heart pounding so fast, he’d thought he was going to pass out from all the sensations.

How foolish could he get? Tears spilled out and he let out a harsh breath. He wasn’t going to cry about this. He’d walked into it with eyes wide open, and he was going to walk away equally sober.

Reaching for shampoo, he dumped a huge amount of the mint scented soap on his hair and started scrubbing it vigorously. The scrubbing allowed him to think clearly, and the image of that bastard fully insinuated itself in his head. Ayase Matsumoto. He was a senior at the Tokyo University, working on the last semester of his engineering degree. He was considered the best in his class; they’d named him class president for it. His family would take nothing less anyway, Hiro thought with a bit of awe. Thinking about the Matsumoto family made him want to shudder in pain. They were probably the reason why Ayase was treating him this way. His own parents might accept that he was gay, but that family wouldn’t. There son’s life was already planned out and it included a perfect wife, who would then produce perfect children and they could have a fucking perfect life together.

Moving under the hot water, Hiro scrubbed at his hair hoping to get rid of Ayase’s scent, he didn’t want to think about him ever again. He’d known things might turn out this way, but for that bastard to leave money after the night they’d had, it made him feel so cheap. The water was soothing on his tight muscles; he allowed himself an extra minute. Turning off the knobs, he reached out for the large fluffy towel on the rail just outside the shower and paused when he couldn’t find it. He sighed, an exaggerated sound, before he stepped out of the stall to find another towel in the cupboards.

Ayase must have taken a shower before he left. How he hadn’t heard anything at all was testament to how tired he’d been last night. Grumbling under his breath in irritation, he was reaching for a new towel, when he was suddenly covered by a very warm one from behind. Strong arms wrapped around him and he was lifted up, making him gasp in surprise.

“You woke up,” Ayase said as he carried him into the bedroom.

“Put me down,” Hiro demanded hating how good it felt to be held so gently. “Put me down right now, and get out.”

“Hiro,” Ayase questioned as he placed him down carefully on the bed making sure that he was seated on the edge. “What’s wrong?”

Eyes down, not wanting to even think about it, Hiro pointed to the bedside table. “Take that with you, I’m not for sale.”

He heard Ayase gasp, but he didn’t look up to see why. He just couldn’t, not when every thing inside him wanted to jump into those arms and snuggle closer into Ayase’s warmth. He breathed out harshly and clung to the warm towel. It was going to take more than months to get through this one, he decided. His heart was torn to little pieces and a huge shark was already eating them. Gods, he was so stupid.

“What are you pointing at, Hiro, and why are you crying? Who abused you like that?” Ayase asked quietly.

How dare he? Anger running through him, Hiro met warm dark eyes and shouted. “You did, how can you leave me money for services rendered? I thought you cared about me. Last night, it felt like you might want me for me, but now, well, I’m the stupid one. I should have known. I was so happy to have you holding me; I didn’t stop to think-

“Hiro,” Ayase cut him off by holding his shoulders gently and shaking him. “Are you talking about the money on the bedside table?”

Hiro blinked at him. How much more did this man think he could take? Looking away from the heat of those eyes, he nodded.

“I forgot that there this morning when I left.” Ayase sighed and ran fingers through his own hair. “I’m so sorry, if you thought-, Hiro-chan, don’t you know my heart even now? Haven’t you seen it?”

Hiro sighed. He thought he had last night. He’d thought he’d felt it. Touching the bruise on the corner of his lip, he looked up at his lover. Dressed in a simple white shirt and matching slacks, Ayase looked every bit like the dream man he’d been imagining in his life forever. He had a handsome face, and his body was perfection, toned muscle that hid unrelenting strength. Those fists had punched out the group of hooligans who’d been mugging him at the corner store the night before. He’d been so surprised to see Ayase there that when the man had urged him to get in his car, he’d followed without question.

“Hiro,” Ayase said softly. “Has this happened to you before?”

Trembling, Hiro nodded slowly and looked up to meet warm eyes again. “He was a gym trainer. I thought he loved me, but I was just fooling myself. If it’s the same with you-

“I’m sorry,” Ayase said quietly, pulling him into an abrupt hug. “I want you to be mine, Hiro. I could never do anything so horrible to you. Last night was the best night in my life. Please don’t send me away.”

“What about your family, and who you are, what about your wife, and-

“Wow, I don’t think I should ever leave you alone,” Ayase said with a short laugh. Leaning back a little, he tapped at Hiro’s head with a finger. “You think too much.”

“So,” Hiro persisted. This was important to him; he needed to know that he wasn’t going to be replaced with some woman down the line. The shark was slowly spitting the pieces of his heart back out, he wasn’t about to give up. “I can’t lose you.”

“Don’t worry about my family, I live my life for me,” Ayase said quietly. “Just like you.”

Pointing to the bedside table, Hiro followed the finger and was glad to see that the money had been replaced by a long stemmed red rose. “You woke up faster than I thought you would. I went to get breakfast; there was nothing in the fridge.”

Tears filled Hiro’s eyes and he couldn’t have stopped himself from jumping into the man’s arms if he had tried. Relief washed through him so hard, he trembled. Leaning up, he pressed his lips to Ayase’s just as Ayase pulled him onto his lap.

“You’re all fresh from the shower,” Ayase murmured softly. Pressing a kiss to the tender spot Hiro had been touching in the shower, he smiled. “You smell like mint.”

Hiro laughed and held on as Ayase’s fingers sunk into his damp hair. Eyes closing as he was consumed by the heat of Ayase’s love. He was lucky after all. He could find a man to love him for him. As if to reiterate his thoughts, Ayase murmured into his ear.

“I love you, Hiro Kazamu.”