Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 17. Entry 17

Monday

I admit. I chickened out today.

I evaded Billy for most of the day. I stayed away from the Library and my usual places. I spent my lunch out on the lawn and was sure to bike home as soon as school was finished. I…just wasn’t ready to do what, you know, I need to do. I need to do as Chandler suggested and begin, well, coming Out to Billy! I need to tell him my feelings and let the chips fall where they may, so to speak.

That is not to say I didn’t see Billy at all today. We greeted each other, briefly, before Third Period, but I made sure to keep it brief. I didn’t want Billy to see how seriously I was shaking and sweating just being near him.

I’ve seriously got to get a grip here if I’m going to do this. Yes, it’s a big leap, but…it’s one I have to take. There, just, comes a time when you need to jump and hope you land somewhere you want to be. It’s a total leap of faith to just ‘be yourself’ sometimes, you know?

I’m up late writing this in the wee hours of the morning. It’s, like, 1 AM here at the moment. I just can’t sleep! I’ve gotta do this! I’ve just gotta! I’ll never be able to live with myself if I don’t take this chance.

Somehow, even if things end up totally turning to crap on me, it’s better than this constant stressing and worrying and wanting and longing! The tension is liable to turn me gray before my twenty-first birthday if I’m not careful!

Tomorrow…

I’ll do something tomorrow! I promise!

Brandon and Billy…tomorrow. It begins or ends. We’ll just have to see.

God help me!

Tuesday

Well…I did do something. It wasn’t exactly everything I had in mind doing, but it was definitely a move in the right direction…I think. I did intend to, just, lay it out for Billy. I intended to tell him of how I’ve wanted him since the first day I saw him at the Mall those many months ago. I was intending to tell Billy everything I could short of telling him straight out that I am seriously in love with him and want to suck him off in the bathroom! Maybe, I’d have told that to him too!

But, instead, I showed my interest in a half-joking way. I, basically, flirted with Billy!

Ok, so…

First, I had to isolate us so that no prying ears could catch whatever we might end up talking about. I had a great excuse to do this - today was a nice sunny day. A day that was a shame to waste eating indoors. A day perfect for eating outside on the part of the lawn I had scoped out yesterday just for this occasion! It was far enough from everyone to where we could truly be alone together and with enough space around us so that we could see someone coming from a mile away.

When I met up with Billy at lunch, I suggested the lawn and he followed me out there after we got our lunches. Billy seemed a little surprised by our actually going outside for a change, but in a happy way.

We settled in and talked about how nice it was, etc. I was hoping Billy would come up with some silly thing to say that would be an opening for me to, you know, give him a clue about me and my feelings for him.

I waited for this opportunity and Billy did not disappoint! It was like he’d read the script in my head on how this was going to go down today!

Billy commented on how warm it was outside and that he should have worn his shorts.

It’s funny, but sometimes your mind can get into a kind of groove when you let your heart and your brains work together. Perfect things can come out of your mouth when you do this!

We were already in a teasing kind of mood with each other, so when he commented on his wearing shorts I mentioned, “Oh, trying to show off your sexy legs, huh?”

It just came out because it was exactly what I was thinking! I’d love to see Billy in shorts! I’ve never seen him wear anything but jeans. I’d love to see as much of his skin as possible! Billy is so incredibly hot and part of his hotness is he doesn’t know how hot he is!

Again, on that note, Billy didn’t miss a beat as he teased back, “Nah, I would rather take my shirt off and show off my sexy chest instead. Hehehe!” It’s like he could read my mind!

Encouraged, I pushed a bit harder, “Or you could just go completely naked, and lay out on the grass where everybody can lust after you,” and there it was! There was the chance I wanted to take! It was as much of a confession of how much I desire Billy as I dared to give away today! It came from a place of truth in my heart. In all honesty, there would be nothing I’d love better than to see Billy naked in front of me! I dream of it day and night, I’ll confess!

The pure truth of this made me flush all over and I could feel a sweet shyness come over me after I said it. One thing I wasn’t, though, was afraid! There was something in Billy’s bashful smile and his own blush that encouraged me!

Chandler’d been right! Just showing a little of how I feel to Billy is revealing all kinds of things about him and maybe how he feels about me too.

With a touch of sadness, though, Billy said of himself, “Nah, I’m a little too ugly to go that far, heh,” and that broke my heart a little!

How could he dare think that about himself? Billy is about as opposite from ugly as one boy can get! He has no idea how attractive he is! He has no idea that he’s my dream come true!

So, with real feeling I replied, “You're not ugly. I know a couple of people who I'm sure would pay to see you naked.” That ‘couple’ of people would be Me and Myself. But, from the way Jimmy was with Billy at that party a few weeks ago, I can sure as figure he also would love to see Billy naked as the day he was born. I can bet there could be dozens of others who would love that too!

“WHO?” Billy wanted to know.

I couldn’t name names since I wouldn’t know who they all are exactly. But, I know for certain that Me and Myself would be totally on board with seeing and being naked with Billy!

“Nevermind who. Just...some people. Just...don't sell yourself short, K? You're not ugly. There are plenty of people that want you.” There is plenty of me wanting plenty of you, Billy! On that you can bet good money!

Billy had to break this tension with a femmed up, “Do YOU want me, sweetheart?” He reached over and pushed at me with a limp wrist. He made it easy for me.

I pushed back similarly in a playfully way and then just let myself be myself for a second, “You know I do, baby. I'm just waiting for you to tell me when.” We giggled about it, but Billy had hit a bullseye with getting me to say what I needed to tell him today.

I told him seriously, “I want us to spend some more time together. You know...just to...'hang out', or whatever,”…or ‘whatever’ mostly.

“Really? Um...how come?” Billy asked as he blushed and looked away for a moment. He seemed nervous by what I was telling him and I hoped I wasn’t scaring him, but I had to tell him the truth.

“Because I like you, Billy.” Actually, if I had been entirely honest I’d have said ‘because I LOVE you, Billy.’ But, I knew better than to push it too far. It wasn’t time for that just yet, but Billy’s reaction was priceless all the same.

His face reddened up almost immediately and all he could do was giggle that sweet nervous giggle of his. That bubbly sound that is like the best music to my ears!

When he’d calmed down a bit, he gave me the best outcome for what I dared to do today - he asked me to come over Friday to ‘hang out or whatever’! He asked with a smile that melted me on the inside.

How could I refuse?

Our first ‘date’!

I did it!

I did it!

I did it!

Chandler said I could do it and I did it!

I let Billy know how I feel about him!

Now, maybe I can tell him more about how I feel about him while alone with him…in his room!

Maybe…I might get my fondest wish and finally see my Billy naked in front of me!

Ok, let’s not get crazy, Bran Bran.

This is Brandon…triumphant!