Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 18. Entry 18

Wednesday

Nothing much today. Just normal school stuff. I had a social studies quiz after lunch that I wasn’t looking forward to. The social studies teacher is one of those that think we have no other classes except his so he piles on the homework and quizzes us almost every other day. I don’t mean to belittle social studies, but honestly, how is that more important than, lets say, trigonometry? Trig ain’t easy, but at least I can see where I might use it for something later. I can’t see that with social studies! These social studies things are like ‘no duh’ things like ‘people with money spend more on expensive things than people without money’ or ‘if you leave a person alone long enough they’ll go koo koo’. These are no brainers and yet, somehow, Mr. Campbell (the social studies teacher) manages to complicate things so much that it makes his quizzes hard! I’ll be lucky if I pull a B in this class. My only consolation is that no one else will do much better. Campbell has already said that A’s are only for the most ‘exceptional’ students…whoever they are. This translates into ‘no A’s for anyone’, I guess. I should have transferred out when I had the chance.

So, I’ll admit to being distracted today. Billy had us go out onto the lawn to eat lunch. I felt it was, probably, a little too cold for that today, but I can refuse Billy nothing. He was awfully sweet today, though. I think he was trying to kick up that ‘flirting’ thing we did yesterday. That was encouraging for me, naturally, but…I simply couldn’t get into the mood for it today. It was cold, I hate social studies, I was nursing a mild headache from stressing over social studies, and my miserable school pizza had gotten cold.

I’m so sorry Billy! Maybe we could try this again tomorrow without Mr. Campbell breathing down my neck!

This is Brandon being boring.

Thursday

Oh, dear…

Bobby wouldn’t tell me what went on today at the gym, but I could tell it had been bad!

He found me in the Library today and he had red rings around his eyes because he’d been crying. He had a huge mope on his face and just sat with me quietly for a couple of minutes, sighing.

I finally asked what was the matter.

“Oh, nothing.” Bobby lied. I’ve never seen Bobby cry before so I knew it couldn’t have been ‘nothing’. He also seemed to be needing company, but only certain company.

“Well, Billy might show up and maybe you could tell us about ‘nothing’. He’s a sympathetic ear too.” I tried to console him with the promise of more support, but that didn’t go over well.

“Oh, no! No, if you see Billy coming let me know, K? I…don’t want him to see me like this or…any other way.” Ok, so I think I hit a nerve! Bobby not wanting to see Billy was rather unusual for him. Bobby seems to like Billy too. I should be jealous, but I’m not…very. I still feel that Bobby is probably Gay, but I’m not entirely sure. I have to wonder, though, if his sorry state today had something to do his possibly being Gay. Did he get caught looking, maybe? The assholes in this school don’t take kindly to that as homophobic as they are! They ought to be honored to have someone as cute as Bobby checking them out at all! But, maybe that has nothing to do with why Bobby seemed upset today.

I didn’t pry, I just let him say what he wanted to. Sometimes, just lending an ear to someone is better than trying to ‘fix’ their problems for them.

“People in this school can be idiots, you know?” He said.

“That’s for damned sure, Bobby! I’ve seen what they can do first hand and calling them ‘idiots’ is too nice as far as I’m concerned!” I agreed.

“Yeah! How about fucking assholes? Is that better?” Bobby clarified things.

“Hehehe! That’s more like it!” I’m glad Bobby could keep from holding his punches. It’s too bad he couldn’t have confronted whoever the said ‘assholes’ were with that rage. Whoever they were, I’m sure, they deserved it. But, I know how violent these scum in here can be and Bobby might have ended up in traction for daring to stand up for himself. I swear we ‘underdogs’ need to form a gang and go totally medieval on these dickwads in this school! My Italian blood often calls for ‘vendetta’ on these fuckers. Revenge for what they did to Jimmy, what they did to me, what they seem to be doing to Stevie, what they are doing to Bobby now, etc. In any case, maybe we’re better off not sinking to their level. We’re simply better people than they are and should prove that daily by being kind where they are cruel. That’s probably the best way to defeat them in the end.

However, I wonder if Billy’s been fucked with? I think I’d need to go all-out ninja on anyone that would beat on Billy in any way! My kindness ends when it comes to his happiness and welfare! Sorry, not sorry.

Speaking of assholes, Mzzzz. Hokenson finally chased us out of the Library for talking to much. The other kids in school we might be able to do something about, but the meanness of the teachers, administrators, and staff at school are something entirely out of our control. They’ve got police and guns on their side. The only way to get out from under them is by leaving school and I’m too committed to having a future to let them chase me out! Not that my Dad would let me. Campbell, Hokenson, etc. can play their little power games, but, in the end, I’ll survive them and get out of High School with a diploma in hand. In the meantime, I’ll have learned a very important lesson…never trust people in authority!

Hopefully, college will be better than this.

I honestly can say that I hate High School most the time. I don’t talk about it much because why bother, but…sometimes things just get too much.

This is Brandon, the wanna-be rebellious ninja gangster.

Friday

So, today was the big day! I tried to take some major steps in Billy’s direction today. As much as I let him know I wanted him on Tuesday, I doubled or quadrupled that today! I hope I drove the point home with Billy. I’m still not sure I did. I hope so.

As you know from Tuesday, Billy and I made plans to ‘hang out or whatever’ at his place today. To confirm this, at lunch I told him how cool it was going to be hanging out with him this afternoon. I did ask if his Mom was going to be home to which Billy replied in the negatory.

That was a particularly important point because, honestly, I had no idea how far we were going to go with this today. It would be impossible for me to strip naked for Billy and ‘love on him’ if his Mom was home! With her gone…anything could go, right?

With the way Billy was teasing me at lunch, I could have believed anything might go on at his house this afternoon. I mean…am I ‘going to show off my sexy legs in shorts too’? I might show off a whole lot more to him if he isn’t careful! I didn’t play with him too much with the flirting at lunch mostly because I was already as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. If Billy started in on me early I might have chickened out. Fortunately, when he couldn’t get a rise out of me, he relented and we went back to ‘normal’.

Any talk about being mutually sexy to one another would have to wait till we were safely inside his house! Hehehe!

I seriously clock-watched each period from lunch on out. By the time classes ended for the day and I met up with Billy, the butterflies in my stomach had become a flutter-fest! When he saw me, though, he smiled so wide and his chipmunk cheeks reddened up. He was so happy to see me! It, kinda, took my breath away seeing him like that! I think it’s a look that will stay with me for a long time!

We stopped by 7/11 to get some drinks and snacks. I made a point of going for the gummy bears! This was a trick Chandler told me about. If I was expecting to kiss somebody, eat some gummy bears. The candy fruitiness makes for great tasting kisses, he told me. That was fine since gummy bears are a favorite snack of mine anyway. I had no idea my snacking habits could have a practical application! Billy grabbed some too and I had to wonder if he was doing it for the same reason I was! That made my butterflies get all tied up! Would he really kiss me today? Would that dream come true, finally? Oh…how I hoped it might!

When we got to his house he double-checked to see if his Mom wasn’t home. To my relief, she wasn’t, so we go to his room. I see his bed (neatly made, unlike mine) and I had to sit down on it. I was getting weak in the knees. It was getting close to the moment…

I was in Billy’s room again and there was a possibility that, before our afternoon together ended, he’d be well and truly mine! We’d have been honest with each other, come Out to each other, and be able to love each other like fate had planned for us.

I know I was staring at him. I couldn’t help myself! His striped shirt, his glowing cheeks, his sparkling eyes, the fall of his silky hair, his tight body in those tight jeans, all of him…I drank it in! He was like water to a thirsty man in the desert to me! He’s everything I could ever want! What’s more is that he looked into my eyes for the longest moment and he didn’t look away.

To settle the tension, we played some of his games and talked about little unimportant things. I knew we were doing it to calm ourselves down. I know I was nervous and Billy seemed to be too. After a while we seemed to get more comfortable together and relaxed. I felt that openness between us and I felt that I was getting closer to telling what I needed to tell him.

Billy was actually the first to start our conversation, “I'm, like, glad that you came over here today, Brandon. I really like you too.” As usual, he was making it easier for me. He opened the door so that I could just walk in without having to beg to come in.

“I'm glad too. I've been wanting to come over for a few days now, actually. Because...you know...we've been friends for a while now. And I just...I wanted to talk to you about a few things.” I said and felt this incredible lump in my throat grow. The emotions were so strong! I wanted to talk to him about how I’ve loved him from the start and how he has become like a god to me! But, I kept a reign on those feelings. That would surely scare Billy away!

So, I backed off and just said, “I just...I feel like I can tell you things. I feel so close to you, Billy. And I kinda like that, because you're...like...'important' to me. You know what I mean?” ‘Important’! Billy has no idea how important he is to me! How could I make it clear to him just how important, but without scaring him to death?

That was my fear and why I, sort of, held back a bit. That and I couldn’t tell what Billy was feeling as I said what I said. He…wouldn’t look at me and he kept saying ‘Uh-huh’ like he was listening, but, maybe not believing me either!

I tried to push through the growing fear that I was losing Billy in this conversation, “I just wanna be close to you too. I mean, I want you to think of me. Like...when I'm not...around…or whatever.” I felt I was babbling at this point and I was losing my courage. This was not as easy as I’d first thought it was going to be with Billy’s earlier encouragement. His reactions were so…frightened and so frightening!

He calmed my fears somewhat with another, “Uh huh...," and "I mean...I DO! I do...sometimes.” Sometimes…

“You do? Well...cool. Because...sometimes I wonder about that. You know? Like, when we talk on the phone and stuff.” I kept trying to say what I wanted to say, but could only circle around it at that point. I’d lost the momentum to go any further with it. I was becoming emotionally fried like my own heart and brain were starting to overheat.

He came back with something hopeful, though, “Me too. I....I think about you a lot. I always did.” …he always did. Think of me. But, when he thinks of me does he think the same things that I think about him? I’m still not sure.

So, I felt I’d gone as far as and got as much out of Billy as I was going to get today. I, sort of, slid off his bed and turned back to the game console. I’d said my piece…I guess the ball is in Billy’s court now with what to do with what I said or not.

Am I closer to Billy than I was? I think so, but I’m not sure. Billy looked like he froze up on me this afternoon. I’m not sure what that means. Did he freeze up because what I was saying was too weird for him or was it because he felt he couldn’t put into words how he felt about me?

Maybe, it’s not fair of me to think Billy could say how he felt as easily as I could. I had this all planned, after all. I’d been thinking and practicing this conversation over in my head a thousand times a day for weeks! I was ready to make the first step. Was Billy ready?

I suppose only time will tell.

This is Brandon wondering.