Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 39. Entry 39

Tuesday

So close, yet so far!

He lent me his notebook!

I’d asked for it hoping that I’d see something.

A clue. A sign.

Something, I can hang on to!

Yeah, I asked him saying that I’d misplaced my notes. But, I wanted to see! I wanted to see if he’d said anything about me in his notebook!

You see, a kid’s notebook is a very personal thing. Sure, there’s notes from class in a notebook, but there are other things too!

Little thises and thatses. Things like pictures and little quotes and things. Things that reveal that something that really shows who a person is!

So I made my request: “Hey, Billy. I was hoping to catch you early today. I was wondering if I could borrow your notes from yesterday. I have no idea what I did with mine.”

He hesitated, wondering what I’d want with his notes…really! I could see wheels turning in Billy’s precious mind! His eyes darted this way and that, and yet…in the end he entrusted me with his most precious notebook!

I didn’t need his notes, but I needed to see maybe what he says…between the lines and on the sides of his notes!

Obviously, our minds must have been on the same track because the conversation we had when he gave me the notebook was…revealing!

“Are you gonna draw naked pictures of yourself in there?” He asked with a blush and a smirk. God I could have kissed him so hard just then! He made me so horny with that comment I nearly messed myself!

Without a hitch, it came right out of me: “I'd draw naked pictures of you in here if you wanted me to. But you'd have to pose, so I get it right.”

I couldn’t believe what had just come out of my mouth, but then…somewhere deeper inside I COULD believe it! How could I not? I find Billy the sexiest damned thing in all of creation! I couldn’t help myself. He said ‘Naked’ and ‘Yourself’ in the same sentence! There’s nothing I’d want more in this world than to be naked with Billy somewhere! We’d fuck ourselves blind!

He blushed! I blushed! But, it was out there and neither one of us flinched!

Maybe this was it? Maybe this was the time we finally did it! Maybe we could finally tell each other THE TRUTH!

But…not today. He saw me before school at the bike rack and it didn’t happen there. We saw each other at lunch…too many fucking people! Finally, towards the end of the day, he saw me in the Library where we actually DID have a moment and…not there either, I’m afraid.

Something in the way he looked told me he wanted to say something important to me today. Billy was tongue tied and bashful in a way I’d never seen before! To say he was acting ‘weird’ is an understatement. But, he was also completely adorable! I’ve been aching for him all afternoon and evening since I got home!

I should have told him! It was right there! The perfect opportunity and I BLEW it again! But, I suppose if he felt the same way he, kinda, blew it too! I don’t know. Today wasn’t the day for it, but I feel a day is coming real soon when he’ll let me know how he feels which will give me permission to do the same. I don’t know how soon…but soon!

In other news, Stevie had been crying today.

I hadn’t actually seen him do it, but I saw that his eyes were all red and his eyeliner was messed up a little bit. I asked him what was going on, but he wouldn’t tell me.

He just kept telling me that it was ‘nothing’.

I call bullshit! Something is bugging Stevie and that bugs me! What could it be and why won’t he tell me?

I asked him to come over and he accepted, but when we were at home he acted even more uncomfortable than before. He became completely quiet and focused on a game we were playing.

We were only together for about an hour and then he said he had to go home. Homework and stuff…which I didn’t believe. When did homework ever stop Stevie from doing anything he wanted to do?

I asked if he could wait until my Dad got home and then ask him to drive Stevie home, but, Stevie said he’d rather walk. It’s true, he’s not too far from my place, but it’s a cold night tonight and I really didn’t want Stevie out in it if he didn’t have to be. But, Stevie will have his way and so I let him go.

He worries me, that boy!

I wonder what could be eating him up so bad he won’t even talk about it. I’ve never seen him like this in the whole time I’ve known him!

I just don’t know and probably won’t until Stevie comes clean or something happens to him. I hope nothing happens to him! Others might not see it, but Stevie has a heart of gold and I’d hate to see him do something he’ll either regret or something that will make the rest of us mourn for him.

That last line sends an icy shiver down my spine! Maybe I should call Stevie! Maybe I should make sure he’s ok tonight! If not, then I’ll ask that he stay over with me. If he needs somebody…I hope he knows he can depend on me! I know how hard things can get.

Maybe, I’ll even introduce Stevie to Chandler! I wonder how that would go? Would Stevie Come Out if Chandler got to talk to him? Would that help Stevie in some way?

I don’t know.

Stevie can be a mystery wrapped in an enigma sometimes. He’s a hard kid to read, especially when he’s not happy about something.

In any case, I’ve got Billy’s notebook to ravage. I’ll probably spend most of the night looking through it. Maybe…smelling and kissing it a little!

Ok, that’s just sick Brandon!

This is Brandon being a sicko!