Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 7. Entry 7

Weekly Roundup

Ah, Billy….

You showed me so much this week.

How do I do this? What would Chandler say? Can I trust you? Can we trust each other?

Don’t you know I’d take you up in my arms, kiss you forever, and make you mine? How can you doubt it? Would you even want it? I know you want…something.

But, what?

Our meetings this week have been ‘edgy’. We don’t say much because there’s just so much to be said. I want to let go. I want to not care! I want to open myself up to him! ‘See? I’m in love with you, a boy, and…I don’t care!’

Would he care?

For almost a year now, I’ve been wanting him. My damned fear and insecurities have kept me away from him, but that feeling…the one I got at the Mall that first time I saw him…it never left me! No other girl or boy can even match him! I need him, but I’m so scared, you know?

I’m as scared of myself as I am of what he might say or do if I let him know, finally, that I’ve been in love with him for months!

I’m scared that if he rejected me that…I wouldn’t be able to stand it! I’d go the way of Jimmy LaPlane! I’d want to end the gaping wound left in my heart! I’m so afraid! I’m more afraid of that than I am of my Dad disowning me because I’m gay! I’m more afraid of that than anything!

It scares me how much I want you, Billy!

That look you give me now…haunts me!

Each time we meet, I see that longing! It’s unmistakable. Is it what I hope it is? Is it that love I’ve been longing for all my life and never knew I needed until I met you? Is it my love returned to me in your eyes?

God help me, I’m so sappy!

I need a reality check! I need one really bad!

I also want…I want Billy’s body! I want to feel him wrapped around me! I want to feel him…inside of me!

It’s almost so bad that I’d take anyone, just so that I can burn that sexual frustration off!

Bobby…

Bobby Jinette is definitely courting me.

I picked up on his vibe when we were playing over the weekend. I didn’t mention it in my last entries because I wanted to pretend it wasn’t true. But I know better…

Chandler has taught me Gaydar.

Bobby is pinging hard!

I look back at our play date over the weekend and had to remember how close he sat next to me! How I had to keep him focused on the game so he wouldn’t get ‘yeeted’ by a monster!

But, of course, I don’t want him. I want Billy! Billy who keeps driving me crazy with his weird reactions to me! Why do I feel like he likes me, but then, other times, he could care less? When he looks at me I can see it there in those twinkling eyes! That ‘something’ that tells me he wants me! But, then he disappears for a while and I don’t know what to think!

Or…basically disappears.

On Monday our short time together was so awkward! I mean, ‘Hi! Howareya!’ and ‘boy it’s chilly today’ and ‘your weekend was meh’. Why was your weekend ‘meh’? Tell me! I…care! It was such a waste of our time together! I’d not worry about it, but this has been a lot of our ‘conversations’ lately.

When he closes down…so do I and when I do, it feels like a solid steel wall cutting me off from everything.

Maybe, I am asking for too much. Why should he confide in me? He…hardly knows me.

But, wait…the saga of weirdness continues!

So, Tuesday, there he is again, Bobby, and he invited me over to his place. Seemed only fair since he spent so much time over at my place during the weekend. Plus, he really needed some help in Geometry which I passed last semester with flying colors. So, naturally, I accepted. I’m sure Bobby had some ulterior motive, but, honestly, he didn’t press it too hard. Just enough so that I could feel it. Well, not feel it feel it, but…um. Anyway, I helped him with his homework and we played a bit on Warcraft, but then I needed to get home before dinner. It was a pretty normal afternoon! I made sure of that!

The weird part was before any of that, I mentioned it to Billy…maybe still doing some of what Chandler said about making him jealous to tease out a response…and boy did I get one! He was so snippy! Obviously, he’s uncomfortable with me hanging out with Bobby. I can only guess at why, but my suspicions on that get stronger each time Billy huffs and puffs about Bobby and me. He’s obviously jealous, but he’s still not ready to let me know why exactly.

Oh, if he’d only tell me because he’s gay and he loves me…that would open so many doors for us! But, I get why even thinking such a thing would be crazy. There’s just so much to risk, you know? Especially, here in High School where the Bullies rule and the rumor mongering is everywhere. This after, I’m sure, it’s become tabloid knowledge that Billy and Joanna are split up and that she’s gone with Billy’s best buddy. Seeing Billy and me get super ‘cute’ close would tell the story for everyone! ‘Billy jilts both girlfriend and best friend for gay lover! Best friend comforts jilted girl and escapes pervert ‘friend’ - News at Eleven!’

Oh, why do these things have to be so fucking COMPLICATED?

The weirdness continued Wednesday as I endured, like, a total interrogation by Billy about my time at Bobby’s. If Tuesday’s behavior wasn’t a clue that Billy’s jealous then Wednesday just confirmed things in ‘cards, spades, and little casino’ - as my grandpa used to like to say! I mean ‘was his room cool’? Who cares about if someone’s room is cool or not? It’s a bedroom for cripe’s sake! It was probably mean of me, but I just didn’t give him much. His jealous behavior just confirms what Chandler told me about how to pull the truth out of a guy by becoming ‘negative space’. It’s totally a judo move where you use an opponents own momentum against them so you can get control over the situation. His frustrated digging was fun to watch on one level…and it was killing me on a whole lot of other levels.

I hate this!

Should I, just, be the one to take the first step instead of making Billy do all the work? It isn’t fair at all to him and he’s the last person in the world I would want to torture in any way and this…this kind of emotional judo - it’s a kind of torture! I hate myself for doing it. I mean there’s such a thing as being ‘cruel to be kind’ I guess, but somehow I don’t think it was meant for these kinds of situations. It’s got to be me that opens the door, I guess.

So, Thursday I made that big decision - sort of. I left…an opening.

Billy comes into the Library to find me and I beckon him over to come sit by me. Right next, not across, but close. Close enough to feel body warmth, if you know what I mean. Between Wednesday and Thursday night I thunk and I thank until I found out a way to make that opening between Billy and me. I figured that Sam might be the key. I didn’t want to use the Bobby thing because, honestly, my feelings told me that Sam was a much bigger thorn in Billy’s side than Bobby.

I ask him about how things are going between him and Sam. Mind you, I know perfectly well how things are going, but it opens up my opening up, if you get me.

I ask him how he and Sam are doing and I get, “He and I don’t talk no more…I’m done!” This was said with a pout and a flash of anger. That nerve I had been looking for, I guess I found it. I hate myself….

…and so, “Well, you've got me. You know, if you need a friend. Or something.”

I put it out there.

I put it out there for Billy to catch…and if I can interpret faces as well as any complete numb-nut, the look Billy gave me was all I needed to know!

He looked up at me with a light in his eyes I’d never seen before! A spark of that…something…I was offering!

I guess, it is only a matter of time now! I think Billy wants me. I think he is waiting for the right opening. I have to open myself to him more! I need to…get over this fear! I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t reach out and take what Billy is offering me!

If I’m damned, if I lose my father, if I become the target of bullies at school…none of that can matter if I can have Billy at last!

I love him.

I can’t help it.

That something IS there! We just both have to get over ourselves long enough to embrace it and each other!

A random thing happened too. Jamie walked me to my bike today. That was…weird. Not because Jamie would walk me anywhere, but because of all the people staring at us walking together! I swear Jamie attracts attention wherever he goes, but…he doesn’t even notice! How can one become that numb to public opinion? I wish Jamie could explain it, but, the fact is, I don’t think he knows why he doesn’t care. I think he does on some level, but its on one so low that it doesn’t really affect him.

“Hey, I bumped into Billy today, like, literally and it reminded me: Corey Parker is having a thing Friday night. I think its for the lower classmen so I don’t think I should go, but I think you should!” Jamie riveted me to the floor with those big blue eyes of his which commanded my full attention. Despite myself, I started getting aroused just looking at his gorgeous face. It affected me today more than usual. Maybe all my frustrated feelings for Billy are starting to leak into my feelings about other guys I know. Jamie has Chandler’s blue eyes and basic features, though younger, and the same muscular body. I had to force myself to not look at his crotch the whole time he was telling me about this party or whatever!

“W-why should I go?” I asked stupidly.

“Because! You gotta make more friends! You gotta shake it loose, Dude! You rock, but you have to play the guitar if you’re gonna make some noise, right?” My sexy feelings toward Jamie evaporated instantly when he started playing air guitar right in front of me. I felt myself turn beet red and try to disappear in plain sight! OMG, Jamie! Could you make yourself be any more conspicuous?

“Um…Ok. Corey Parker. Uh…I don’t know him though.” This was true. I think I have a class with him, but since I hardly talk to anyone I haven’t talked to him either. He seems like a nice enough guy. Cute too!

“Doesn’t matter. His sissy tells me he, basically, just invites the whole school and lets anyone come! Everyone crashes, but I can tell him to expect you!” Jamie said, trying to be helpful. He really is a sweetheart, in a big dumb blond way.

“Kay, I’ll think about it!” I didn’t commit to anything, but gave an answer if for no other reason than to get Jamie to move along and stop embarrassing me.

“Ooookies, think about it and then do it! I’ll want a full report come Monday!” He said with a big heartbreaker smile and then…tousled my hair like I was a seven year old!

Oy.

I hope Billy does come to this because it looks like I’ll be going if I want to or not. Maybe Stevie could come with me…I don’t know. He doesn’t seem to like ‘normal people’ parties. His Emo/Skater friends seem to like to keep to themselves and make it a point to avoid ‘The Normals’ as Benji calls them.

Oh, Benji messaged me Thursday night just to say hi. He sent some pictures of some stunts he pulled at the skate park…then he sent me a moon picture! Hehehe!

That’s right, ladies and germs, a full on bent over butt shot! His buddy must have done it for him! He was peeking over his shoulder with a big goofy grin as he seemed to be ‘wiggling’ his ‘full moon’ at the camera! I could just barely make out a bit of his ‘goodie bags’ which made the picture even hawter somehow!

He does have such a beautiful ass, there’s no lie! I, sort of, worked one off looking at it over and over again, I’ll admit.

It left me a bit…dreamy today, Friday. I kept picturing Benji and me naked in bed with him on top grinding away while I massaged that beautiful ass. I could hardly think of anything else. I’m sure poor Billy thought I was being a total space cadet…but, OMG! I got a ‘nakey’ picture from a cute guy! ~sigh~

So, anyway, the Corey Parker party came up in my conversation with Billy. He’s thinking about going and asked me if I was thinking of coming too. I didn’t say anything about my ‘orders’ from Jamie, but I thought it might be a good opportunity to ‘open’ myself up to Billy.

I told him I’d go if he’d be there, basically! I put it less obviously than that, but that was my intention. I soft-peddled it with a ‘maybe’ just so I wouldn’t seem too eager! That was probably silly, but I’m still such a coward about showing too much of my true feelings for Billy too soon. So, I played it coy, though I didn’t really have to ‘play’ at it at all. The idea of meeting Billy anywhere made me feel shy and silly. It still gives me the butterflies. What can I say?

This might be considered our first ‘date’!

This is Brandon wondering if I should give Benji a ‘full moon’ of my own…