I could bang my head over and over and OVER again on the wall until I either broke it or my head.
If he's straight and in love, why can't he just leave me to suffer in peace? He knows hardly anything about me and yet he still seeks me out. Why is that? What is Billy's game with me?
Does he want to be my best friend? That I can understand, I suppose, but, unfortunately, I really can't do that with Billy. I like him far too much to be just his friend. Wow, what a crazy thing to say. But it's true, his being around me all the time and yet out of reach in *that* way would just be torture.
Well, anyway, I *had* to go back into the Library today because I needed research stuff for a paper I'm doing. I am a creature of habit and can't seem to help myself so I set myself down, without thinking, in my usual 'nest' in the Library. I really didn't figure Billy would come in today. He has a girlfriend now so why would he come into the Library?
But there he was . . . Just as gorgeous as ever. That bouncy golden hair, that beautiful body, those soulful brown eyes, and that heartbreaker's smile he has. Oh god, I fall in love with him all over again every time I see him like that.
Then he talks to me with that beautifully chirpy voice of his. Oh my god, it's like the best music on earth hearing . . . his voice! I feel myself blush. I feel myself get nervous with the shakes inside. I feel my stomach fluttering with bats over butterflies! It's almost so bad that I had the horrible thought I might pass gas or something in front of him! Oh, that would be the end of everything if that happened!
I also got so hard I almost popped a hole in my jeans! Jeeze! Just his VOICE can make me almost, you know, go over the edge.
Mixed in with all these lovey-dovey feelings is the true sadness that all that my body and emotions are doing, all that energy, is for nothing. 'Cause Billy is straight and Billy loves another and Billy has a chance at a real happy life. I tasted a bitterness at that moment. It was in my mouth and I almost felt like I was going to throw up.
"Hi, Brandon! Where've you been? I haven't seen you in a while!" Billy chirped at me and I swear I heard a little strain there in his voice like he really missed me. Why? Why would he care? He has a girlfriend now! He doesn't need . . . me.
"H-hi, Billy. Just you know . . ." God I sounded so stupid! Why couldn't I even talk to him right? It's like I met him for the first time again! All the shyness, insecurity, loneliness . . . it all was back like the past few weeks were meaningless. Like Billy and I were back at square one. But, then this time it was real square one and not some stupid fantasy of everlasting love that I made up 'square one'.
This was what is. Billy is straight . . . and I'm not and . . . I love him anyway.
I am . . . In love with Billy Chase. I just am.
"You ok? You seem, I dunno, outta sorts, kind of." Billy sat in front of me and looked at me with what looked like real concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I must have said it in a way that Billy didn't believe me because he gave me a weird look. Why did he probe me so hard? Why does he care so much about if I'm 'fine' or not? Of COURSE I'm not fine! But, then, I can't tell him why I'm not fine. Not if he's not like me. He could turn on me then. Most straight guys don't like it when other guys want to tear their clothes off, pin them to the Library table, and sit and bounce on them until they go BOOM.
"You sure? You look like you might not feel good or you might have gotten some . . . weird news or whatever." Billy was really digging. What was he looking for in me?
"Uh, no. I'm fine . . . really. Just gotta get this stupid report done for history." I made a lame attempt at shuffling my papers to look all 'busy' and stuff. I must have looked really weird because Billy looked so unsure of things. He could feel how uncomfortable things were between us. He looked sad, almost. What was going on with HIM! He should be happy and bragging about his 'conquest'. He might even get to have SEX pretty soon! That should be all he cares about right now!
But instead, he cared about how I was feeling and I don't know what that means or why.
"Well, OK, then. I guess I'll see you in Science class later." He said standing and very unsure of what to say next.
"Sure thing. See you in class." I said and I gave him a smile, but it mustn't have been too convincing because as he was walking out, he looked back at me over his shoulder. He had the saddest look on his face. I almost felt ashamed for making him feel so weird.
Why did he look back at me like that? What was that look for? It was disappointed. Why would I disappoint Billy? What was he looking for in me today? I just don't know.
It's at times like this that I really wish I could read minds. It would be so nice to know what Billy is 'on about' as Cedrick would say.
Speaking of which, Cedrick has a girlfriend! I didn't doubt it would happen soon as he's so damned cute, but it was a surprise anyway. I am so happy for him! He is so excited about the whole thing that he's like a four year old on Christmas morning! All he can yammer on about in Chat is 'Beautiful Delilah!' Delilah this and Delilah that. Delilah has the prettiest smile and the prettiest laugh. Delilah kissed me on the cheek today! That sort of thing.
Knowing that Cedrick has been straight all along, since he's made no secret about it with his perverted comments in the past, I didn't feel in any way sad, abandoned, or jealous about him finding somebody. Cedrick is my friend and perhaps my best friend even though he's a thousand miles away from me. All I am is happy he's found someone to make him happy.
What a difference in feeling between the way I feel about him and the way I feel about Billy. Billy keeps me questioning and guessing what he wants and what his motives are. Cedrick never has. He's always wanted a girlfriend . . . And now he has one. May they get married and have lots of babies together!
This is Brandon sending Cheers to Cedrick and Delilah!
Well, I saw it for myself today.
I didn't bring my lunch today like usual so I had to go to the lunch counter to get the prison slop. I think I'll starve before I'm stupid enough to do *that* again. That aside, I really lost my appetite completely when I saw what was going on in the lunch line as I walked in.
There he was and there she was: Billy and Joanna and they were . . . touching.
Billy looked nervous and flustered, but I could see the attraction there. He tried to position his lunch tray over himself awkwardly to cover up his condition. I know that trick. he was so . . . cute about it, though. I was caught between hating him for being straight and wanting to make his 'condition' better in any number of dirty ways. Those thought made MY condition a little 'harder' to take too.
I saw Jamie come into the lunch room then and purposefully gawp at the both of them before walking by. I saw this passing look of horror flash over Billy's face as he was 'caught' and it made me wonder if this was all Joanna's idea and not Billy's.
None of them saw me, though. I was peeking at all this from around the corner and away from their line of vision. I decided to go to the bathroom and let them wander off before I went to get my lunch. I took it out to the grassy area and ate alone today. I was kind of happy about the solitude. I've always been something of a loner. I can't take too many people at once and sometimes I can't take anyone at all. I especially can't when my heart is hurting.
I can be sad all I want to by myself if no one is there to see it and think how much of a wimp I am. So, being bored and needing something to take my mind off of Billy, I decided to read a story in my Classical Literature book that was an old Greek myth.
It was the story of Zeus and Ganymede: a story with a rough beginning but a happy ending. It was also an obviously gay story (although the teacher insisted they were just 'friends').
Ganymede was a super cute boy (the cutest ever, apparently) that the god Zeus fell in love with. Zeus turned into an eagle, flew down, grabbed up Ganymede and took him home to Mt. Olympus. Ganymede then became immortal and served drinks to Zeus and the other gods. Hehehe! The first cute, gay bartender!
I loved the pictures of Ganymede and Zeus although I thought they were a bit 'creepy around the edges' being that Zeus is obviously much older than Ganymede. But, the Greeks didn't mind that sort of thing I guess. In any case, it was a gay story with a happy ending and one that gave me hope that I might find my own 'Zeus' someday. Hopefully when I'm much older because otherwise, like, ew!
There were other stories too, though. Sad ones. The story of Apollo and another gorgeous boy named Hyacinth was a beautiful one that was just the opposite of the Zeus and Ganymede one. It started out sweet and gentle and ended very sadly.
Lots of origins are given to Hyacinth, but the one I liked best was that he was a Spartan prince. When Hyacinth came of age Apollo went to be with him and they became companions and lovers. They went everywhere together and Apollo even made himself Hyacinth's luggage carrier when they went out camping or fishing together. He loved Hyacinth so much he was willing to do just about anything for the boy. Just about anything, but not everything.
Unfortunately for both lovers, there was another god that had an eye on Hyacinth. That would be the god Zephyr, there God of the West Wind. There was a picture on an urn of this beautiful winged man that looked a lot like an angel basically carrying Hyacinth up with him into the sky. I was guessing that this was a kidnapping, but there's only the urn and no story to go with it, but it suggests there was a tug of war going on between the two gods and poor little Hyacinth.
I can't help but think of Billy being caught between two lovers, Joanna and me, and having to choose. Fortunately, I suppose, for Billy, he has no idea about how much I adore him so he isn't feeling the 'tug' as much, I would guess.
Anyways, Hyacinth didn't look like he had any problem knowing his predicament. The urn clearly shows the kind of erotic hug Zephyr had him in. The god was basically groping his butt cheeks! Hehehehe!
But it seemed that Hyacinth made his choice pretty quickly and chose Apollo. Who wouldn't? That god is a fox! He'd even give old Jamie a run for his money in the blonde bombshell department.
Of course, that didn't go over too well with Zephyr. So one day when Apollo and Hyacinth were playing frisbee with a heavy discus, Apollo threw the heavy disc and Hyacinth went to catch it. At that point Zephyr blew the discus off course and right into poor Hyacinth's pretty little head.
When the boy died in Apollo's arms he caused Hyacinth's blood to grow a new kind of blue flower and Apollo stained it's petals forever with his divine tears.
I am such a sap that I actually teared up reading that story. Two completely similar stories but with two very different endings. I found myself wondering what the differences were in the stories because there was a message there somewhere.
Both were gods who loved mortal young men. Both longed for those boys to be with them always. Both even had cases of jealous other gods or goddesses that did not approve of the relationships for one reason or another. Ganymede made Zeus's wife Hera jealous because Zeus seemed to have more fun with Ganymede than he did with her. Of course, Hera was always made out to be a big old shrew in a lot of these myths I read, so there's that, but her jealousy seemed to not end in anything bad happening to Ganymede. I actually got the impression that Ganymede and Hera got along famously after a while. Maybe too famously, 'cause Zeus eventually turned the boy into the constellation Aquarius. But, the Greeks considered that the highest honor, so, it still all ended up well for Ganymede in the end, I suppose.
Not so with poor Hyacinth. He was never immortalized. He was just left as a bunch of flowers that die and come back for a short time in the spring only to die again.
I can only figure that the difference is in the two divine suitors. Zeus was an older and more powerful god than Apollo and seemed to take better care of his toys than Apollo did. Ganymede was transported directly to Olympus where he'd always be safe in Zeus's company. The boy was given an easy job that basically made him the life of the party for the bunch of drunken gods and goddesses. Zeus also made him immortal which was perhaps something Apollo couldn't do or wouldn't do. That's where I say Apollo would have done *almost* anything for Hyacinth.
Apollo lived with Hyacinth on earth and pretended to be something he wasn't: a normal guy. In the end, he betrayed himself and his true nature and he was reminded of it when he lost the one he loved with his own carelessness. Apollo selfishly wanted what he wanted, ultimately, and not for what was best for Hyacinth. So he didn't care for Hyacinth the way Zeus did for Ganymede. Zeus was a more mature and sensitive lover and, seemingly, less selfish in what he wanted.
True love is selfless, I guess is the thing here. I'm sure that's not what was intended in either of these stories from a Greek point of view, but it's what I can see.
So today I decided that if Billy is happy with Joanna it isn't right for me to be jealous of it. I don't want to be the Zephyr that strikes down my Hyacinth. I want to be Hera who sees how happy Ganymede makes her husband and loves the eventually comes to love the boy for it.
If I am to learn to love correctly I need to learn how to do it selflessly. That's so much harder said than done. My heart aches that I'll never have Billy as my boy, but I can't let that taint me.
There may be another Billy someday who will come along and I need to have a free heart for that person. I also want to be Billy's friend and give him what love he will let me give in friendship.
So many hard things to think about. Do normal fifteen year old's think this way? I don't know.