Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (1) - 33. Entry 33

May 26

I just don’t understand this guy!

What the hell does SAM care about who I go out with? I don’t even know the guy at all! What? Does he think one awkward talk in the ‘Good Eats’ food court entitles him to the intimate details of my life? He’s the one that set me off on this course with Marie this weekend to begin with! He’s basically telling me ‘Hey Brandon! Guess what? My best friend Billy is fucking around with Joanna to Goanna and you are S.O.L. on EVER making it with him! Have a fucking fantastic day!’ No! Not even! (S.O.L. means ‘Shit Out of Luck’. I’m afraid I picked up that one from my Dad. It’s one of his Marine-isms. Anyways . . .)

Like, kiss my ass, Sam!

So, I’m at the Mall again last night because I needed to buy the new expansion pack for World of Warcraft at GameStop. I had to go later in the day because of my Dad or whatever, but that’s not the point. I was just coming out and I was all excited because this expansion pack looks like so-o much fun! All I could think about was going home and plugging it in! I also had enough money left over to start payments on a new special game controller made JUST FOR the game! Sweet!

Well, it was sweet . . . until I got called away from getting on the bus as fast as possible so I could geek out over my new game!

“Brandon! Wait up, Dude!” I heard behind me.

I turned and saw Sam standing there grinning like a Halloween pumpkin, blue eyes sparkling with some kind of excitement. I was a little annoyed that he was making me miss my bus, but honestly, another one would come in five minutes so no big loss there.

“Wow, Dude! Your girlfriend is a FOX!” Sam blurted at me. I winced at the word ‘fox’. How’d he see her anyway? What the Hell?

“You know, totally, I oughta set up a double-date deal between you, Billy, Joanna, and, um, what’s her name?” Sam said this while counting on his fingers. Why did he want to talk to me anyway? Where the hell did this all come from?

“Her name’s Marie, but I seriously don’t think she’d want to do a double date with anyone. She doesn’t know anyone at our school, anyways. It wouldn’t make sense for her.” I must have sounded what I felt like, irritated! Sam looked, like, hurt or whatever.

“Well, um, why not? Ah! I get it! You wanna keep her all to yourself! Trust me dude, if I had a total babe like that hanging on my chain I wouldn’t wanna share her either. It’s funny! She kind of reminds me a little of Jamie Cross for some reason. That kid gets ALL the girls drooling after him. I wish he’d let the rest of us have a crack!” Sam continued blathering and as he did my serious dislike of him continued to get worse. Why does Billy have a friend like this? He’s such a TOTAL asshole!

The bus couldn’t get to the stop fast enough, but Sam wasn’t done.

“Too bad about the double-date thing. I think the four of you would make one hell of an orgy! You get what I’m sayin’ dawg? Like, if Billy doesn’t get at least some head this weekend then I’m gonna have to get him to a doctor or something. Joanna is like HAWT for my boy, there! I overhear her talking to her friends all the time about how she likes his butt and stuff! All he’d have to do is show some SKIN and she’d fuck his brains out, I just KNOW it! I always watch out for Billy like that, Dude. He’s my brother from another and I want him to get his good when the time comes for him to do the deed!” Sam smirked really weird when he said this. The look made the twist in my gut even worse.

Sam was going to places he had no idea were so close to home. An . . . orgy with Billy? How could he know and how could I keep him from EVER knowing that an orgy with Billy would be the highlight of my life?

“You’re his friend too, Brandon. Think about the date thing. I think it would be really good for Billy and I know from what he says that he, kind of, trusts you with stuff. I want him to get it good. I want him to be happy.” Sam said this seriously like he was asking for help.

“Uh . . . Sorry, man. I just don’t think Marie can, um, do that. She’s pretty, uh . . . traditional, I guess. Like, I met her at Church, so - ok? I’ll see ya, um . . .” I faked a smile and got on the bus and away from Sam finally.

Why would he think I’d EVER want to help Billy get laid by a girl? God in heaven how can straight boys be so blind about stuff?

But then, Billy thinks about me enough to talk to Sam about me? Am I more to Billy than just another guy to talk to at school? What does any of this even mean? He . . . trusts me?

He . . . trusts me!

In any case, Sam is really on my shit list now. I don’t get him at all! Why does he keep finding me and telling me this stuff? But, here I start sounding like a broken record repeating the same mind bending craziness. I guess it will keep going around and around in my head forever because there’s just NO ANSWER! It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

What is Billy to me? What is Marie to me? What is fucking SAM to me? Why do all these things get mixed up into this mess?

Should I hope that Billy thinks enough about me to talk to Sam because he wonders about me the same way I wonder and hope about him? I absolutely haven’t a clue.

Anyway, at school today I caught Jimmy LaPlane sitting behind the Library doing something really strange. He was sitting on the ground staring at his wrists. What is that boy thinking about? Why should I care? What’s going on with him? He looked like he had been crying. I wanted to go over and see if he was ok, but I remember the last time I interfered with him things just got worse for him so I let him be.

I have to say, though, the way he was acting made me really worried. I didn’t like what I was feeling so I just turned and left for home on my bike. Maybe I should light a candle for Jimmy in Church? I think he might need one lit, to be honest. The Fuckups have been tormenting him relentlessly. I think they taste ‘psychic blood’ and they want to drink their fill. God, they are such vampires!

They all act like demons from World of Warcraft sometimes, these jock assholes. They seem to drink pain like my Dad drinks a good bourbon some nights.

Anyway, so . . .
Time for bed.
This is Brandon, Questioning again.

May 27

“Dude! Would you at least think about it? Could you kinda?” This didn’t end from the night before last. What’s worse . . . it’s fucking followed me to school!

The ‘it’ being Sam, of course.

It’s rather mean of me to think of him that way, I know, but JEZZUS did he get under my skin today! He actually flashed up some of my Mama’s Italian temper in me. Mamma Mia! ‘Sammy! Woud’a you shut-ed the FUCK-UP, already! Madre di dio!’ No, I didn’t actually say that to him, but it was about along the same lines as what I was feeling.

“Sam, no! She’s really shy and I don’t think I want to scare her like that!” I started out trying to sound reasonable, but push push push . . .

“Awwww, Come ON! Billy and Joanna are cool! You know that about Billy already, but so’s Joanna. I think she and - Marie is it? Yeah! They’d hit it off!” Sam wouldn’t go away and his distracting me kept making me fuck up the combination on my bike lock!

I think he got a glare from me, because he went into ‘reasonable mode’ or whatever. Sam will be a car salesman someday, I can feel it.

“Look, Dude. I . . . think those two need some, like, help. K? Joanna’s starting to show signs of, well, not being so interested anymore. I think she’s tired of waiting for Billy to make the first move and Joanna’s too prideful to try that herself, so . . . um. Here’s the deal: I think that if he and Joanna were to go out with another couple and then Billy saw how you are probably with Marie that he might get the courage to ‘make the move’. I don’t want Billy to mess this up and lose this girl. Joanna is a one-in-a-million catch! Hell, I’d take her off Billy’s hands in no time flat if it wasn’t because this is Billy here and . . . he’s like the best brother I never had.” Sam looked like he was aching about this and he also sounded like he was on speed because all this came out like a machine gun. I have NEVER in my life heard a guy rattle off like that before!

“I’d do it myself, but, um . . . I don’t really actually have a girlfriend, so . . .” Sam had put his hands in his jean pockets and had looked down acting almost ashamed to admit this.

For some reason, this act just pissed me off all the more! Now he’s trying to guilt me into this?

“Jesus Christ, Sam! NO is NO! Marie’s not going to go for it and . . . frankly I don’t want to either! I don’t know what you think our relationship is ‘like’ or whatever, but I promise you it doesn’t have anything to do with ‘doing deeds’! MARIE’S FUCKING THIRTEEN YEARS OLD! She’s still a little girl! Oh FUCK this! Whatever! Just leave me be.” And with that I stormed off with my Mama’s’ Italian blood boiling in my burning ears.

“Wow Dude!” Is all I heard behind me. It was a fierce sound and I hope he didn’t want to do anything physical about it. Honestly, for Billy’s sake, I would not want to roundhouse kick Sam’s lights out if he came at me. That would probably turn Billy against me forever.

That I couldn’t live with.

So, later at lunch, Billy and Sam were there. Billy saw me and his face brightened a bit but when he saw Sam’s attitude toward me he got a worried look. I’m so sorry about that, but, honestly this was not my doing. Sam, good intentions aside, shouldn’t be trying to manipulate things like this.

No . . . that’s not right.

Sam shouldn’t have tried to manipulate this situation with me like this. That there is more honest. If I had been any other kid with any other girlfriend it might not have been any problem at all, though, I think Billy might have had a problem with it. It’s strange how he really hasn’t talked to me much about Joanna at all. It’s like it’s a subject he rather not even talk about with me. It’s like the same way I don’t talk to him about Marie. In my case, I don’t want Billy to even know about Marie because, well, Marie isn’t the sun that lights my day and that’s the truth.

Billy is.

So having to walk by him today and ignore him so I wouldn’t BLAST Sam in the face . . . was a cloud stealing my sunshine today.

There’s another reason for me not to care for Sam that much. He keeps stealing my sunshine away.

This is Brandon, avoiding Hurricane Sam!

May 28

It’s still a cloudy day at Camp Brandon.

Obviously, Billy had gone Brandon hunting again and, not being that hard to find, he caught me.

I like to say ‘caught me’ because I did feel ‘caught’ this time. I am still processing the Marie, Joanna, and Sam bullshit, you know. It hurts every time I think about it because it just grinds that knife into my ribs and reminds me of my realities.

Let’s totally be TOTALLY honest right now, ok Nameless Hacker? I am truly . . . falling in love with Billy Chase.

There, I’ve said it or at least written it down. It’s now a fact and not a ‘confusion’. It’s not confused at all. It’s as pure as sunlight. The feelings I have go way beyond just looking at his sexy body or loving his little chirpy voice or his infectious laugh. It’s not his sparkly sandy blonde hair or his light brown coca-cola eyes.

I love . . . him.
I don’t know any better way to say it. Everything that he is, this I love.

You know how I came to this conclusion finally? I was listening to a song on ihavemusic that was one my Mama loved so much. I was really missing her yesterday after my temper tantrum with Sam. She always understood when that came up in me and would sing this for me. It is called ‘Innamorata Mia’. Basically it means ‘My Sweetheart’ in Italian. She loved that song because it was very simple and clear. Translated from Italian it sort of went like this:

“I do not love him because of his hair that falls like waves off the ocean.
I do not love him because of his eyes filled with such tenderness.
I do not love him because of his skin, supple as good silk.
I do not love him for his hands which touch me so softly.
I do not love him for his mouth with which he kisses me.
I love him for his heart.
I love him because he shares it with me.
He is my Sweetheart forever.
My Sweetheart. My Sweetheart.
Forever and ever.”

That’s how I feel about about Billy.

I love his heart, but, unlike the subject of ‘Innamorata Mia’ he does not share his with me, I would guess.

So, to see my Sweetheart come to me today like he always does hurt more than usual. Things made clear and true also leave them bare to the touch. Without meaning to Billy’s being with me today was just too much. Feeling his presence, smelling his scent, his filling my eyes with his particular beauty just confirmed everything I’ve been trying to fight all year. He is my Innamorata Mia, but he is the one I can never have. It hurts too much! It really . . . does. It hurts, but I can’t escape it because it’s the truth.

This hasn’t been all Sam’s fault, Marie’s fault, or Billy’s fault. It hasn’t even been my fault, for that matter. It’s no one’s fault except fate’s or maybe not even that. It’s just a trial. Something we all have to go through to grow and get stronger. Maybe a little faith in God can guide me, but not if He speaks from the Church. All they do is tell me how bad I am for being Gay. Wow, that’s really blasphemous - but true.

Truth hurts. Whoever said it sets you free, though, was a . . . liar.

This is Brandon the Truther