Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (1) - 47. Entry 47

Weekly Roundup

So, I went to class only a few times this week. I've only got a gym 'final' to do which is, basically, show up and 'play' in 'unstructured activity' whatever that means. I think it's just babysitting time, to be honest. The Seniors don't even have to come into class every day this week. I think it has to do with their having to get ready for graduation. I wish I was graduating! I'd love not to have to go to High School anymore. Except for a few people I've met this year and, of course, Billy, I didn't find my time this term very fulfilling. Hopefully, as I go into my sophomore year, things will be better.

That said, Monday was a bit strange considering my luck over the past year!

I was in the Library, per usual, because I really didn't have anywhere else to be and I had a new visitor! It wasn't Billy this time, though, I'd hoped that it would be.

"Hey, Brandon! What's up?" I was pretty surprised to see Bobby Jinette standing in front of me! It was so out of the blue! He seems to be like this random element that just shows up when you least expect it.

The couple of times I'd bumped into him before (the first time literally) it just seemed like a random event. The first time had to be totally random, but the second time was at the dance party where he actively approached me. I thought it funny that he'd remember me just from that embarrassing bump and grind we had courtesy the Great Boobifier. It's funny how one stray event can butterfly out into a chain of future events.

I suppose that bashful blunder seemed to mean more to this Bobby than I thought. I mean, when we collided I really, kind of, went up there a ways, if you know what I mean. I might have been semi-hard at the time from all the excitement and body heat. He may have felt that.

Did he . . . like it or am I just perving over something so random and nothing because I'm so sexually frustrated all the time?

"Hey, Bobby! What brings you in here today? Things winding down for you too?" I asked more to get my mind off of the rather sick and twisted things that were suddenly coming to mind as I remembered our collision together and how . . . nice he felt.

"Yeah, I suppose I came in because I didn't have anywhere else to go, similar to you, though you do like to spend a lot of time in here." Bobby helped himself to the seat across from me. The seat usually reserved for Billy. I suddenly felt a bit territorial but calmed it down because it was totally stupid to think that way. Plus, Billy didn't seem to be showing up today, so, in a way, I was rather glad of Bobby's company. I was getting pretty bored sitting around and basically doing nothing.

"So, you have any plans for summer?" Bobby asked.

"None to speak of. I usually take a trip somewhere and I was hoping for a trip back to England to visit some friends, but I don't think that's happening." Bobby's because big blue eyes nearly popped out from behind his trimmed dark bangs. His eyes aren't as electric blue as Stevie's. They are a 'normal' greenish-blue, but they are, kind of, big and wide even when he isn't popping them.

"Wow! You've been to England? Are you from there or something? I always noticed that you were, erm, a bit different than the other guys here. You dress a bit better and you're always, I don't know, kind of reserved like English people are supposed to be like." Bobby seemed to dissect me like a bio-lab project! He has an eye for details, that's for sure. But, 'erm, a bit DIFFERENT?' That rattled me a bit. What other details was he trying to juice out of me? After the 'umphing' in line and his seeming not to mind all that much, I wonder if he was feeling me out and trying to discover my gayness?

Well, no way! This guy isn't really my type anyhow, but he's also nosey! I also don't know if he might be a spy for someone with designs on taking me down, or whatever. I played it 'straight' and kept my attention on what he was asking so that I could 'duck' anything that might compromise me!

Well, I pretty much wrapped my conversation with Bobby by answering 'no' to his 'am I a Brit' question. I might have English ancestry and I might have friends over there, but I am as American as Captain America's shield! Unfortunately, that might have been enough for Bobby to remain curious about my orientation. So, I threw in that I did often bring clothes back from London, which was why some of the things I wear look different. This is true, too! A lot of my shirts and 'nice' pants I get from over there. Cedrick insists and even sends me clothes on my birthday and Christmas, etc. They tend to be a lot more clothes conscious over there . . . but that's beside any point I may or may not be trying to make here.

Where was I?

Oh, so I left and Bobby said 'see you later' and suggested we go out for a movie sometime.

I had to wonder if he was interested just to be friendly or if he was hoping it might not be a 'date' kind of situation. I'm pretty sure Bobby Jinette is gay and more behind the curtain about it rather than fully in the closet like me. I wouldn't be surprised if he considered a movie with him to actually be a 'date'.

I'd be intrigued if it wasn't for the fact that:

1. I don't know him and I don't know if I can trust him at all. He's nosey and that makes me suspicious!
2. He's not Billy!
3. I'm supposed to be weaning myself off 'gayness' and trying to build a straight relationship with Marie, if possible.
4. He's NOT Billy!
5. Honestly, if I wanted to pursue a gay relationship with someone other than Billy because, as we know, he's straight as an arrow, then I'd probably rather try it with Stevie. I like him a lot.

Stevie's becoming a good friend and, even though he'd be a FA-AR second to Billy to the point of not even being in the same quadrant of the universe, if Stevie and I were to get together and form a boyfriend relationship, I wouldn't mind at all! In his way, Stevie is every bit a match in looks for Billy. Rather than being the beautiful bashful blond boy next door like my sweet Billy is, Stevie has that Emo delicate sensuality about him that is quite alluring. Then there are those incredible bright blue eyes! There's also a sexy edge to Stevie that makes you wonder what kind of weird things he might be into, Hehehe! Yeah, Bobby can't hold a candle if I was to trade up a brunette in lieu of my blond Billy bombshell. Stevie is solid second.

Chandler would be a definite third if we could, like, get over the whole statutory rape deal! Hehehe! I'd like to say it would be Jamie third, but . . . you know, even if he was gay (and sometimes I really really wonder if he's not) I don't know if we could have anything more than a sexual relationship. Even if he was the worst at sex ever, his physical perfection might make up for that. But, then he'd open his big mouth for talking rather than for other things, and then I'd lose my interest probably instantly. LOL!

That was bad! Bad, Brandon! Bad!

That's all moot anyways, because, I have Marie and I need her and I need to fall in love with her so I can stop being gay. Then there is the fact that even though she's a girl, she is the most beautiful and sexy companion a guy like me could ever hope for! What's not to like about Marie?

She's the whole enchilada!

I just wish I liked Mexican Food better.

But, Tuesday reminded me why I am still so completely fixated on Billy as being all 1-5 choices for Endless Love!

I swear to God, and I really do, that Billy must be my soulmate! Tuesday night pretty much cinched it!

Four hours! Four whole hours! That's how long we talked Tuesday night!

It was a rare night for it too, because my Dad had to work late at the office and Sher had a dinner date. I'm hoping with a guy she likes, but it might have just been girlfriends or something. I don't know, but anyway . . . I had the whole house to my own damn self, dawg!

I didn't have any homework and apparently, Billy didn't either. Also, I don't know if Billy was by himself or not, but he seemed to be ok monopolizing the phone for FOUR FRICKING HOURS no problem!

We talked and talked and talked and talked and when we were done talking, we talked some more!

For whatever reason, we were really relaxed and felt so instantly comfortable with one another that we opened up about everything! Well, almost everything. The most important thing I could never talk about. Not with Billy! If he were ever to know how I really felt about him I'm sure he'd want to throw up or come over and trounce me! He's straight and I'm . . . not. ~sigh~

Well, whatever, I enjoyed our long chat last night to no end! If this is all I can ever have with Billy, I rather not jeopardize that by messing it all up with my deeper feelings for him. If I can manage to hold it together as well as I did on Tuesday then I can have Billy as a very best friend at least. 'At least' sounds so harsh, but as compared to what I'd want to be with him, mere friendship pales, ya know?

Friendship can't match the feelings that I get when I hear Billy laugh . . .

It's like this warm fizzy feeling that bubbles up from inside of me and makes my mouth just stretch out into what must look like a crazy Joker kind of smile! Then, he gets me to laugh with him and it is such a joy to me! Just to hear him laugh.

His is the kind of laugh that you hear in your head for hours and days after you've heard it. It is so unbelievably adorable! It really is! There is this wonderful sound in his voice! A small hitch he makes when he goes to inhale through his laugh to continue laughing! It's almost like he can't quite catch his breath! It's the kind of funny laugh that a little kid has when they are running all over the house just having a ball of a time! Only, it is deeper and a bit slower and the hitch of that inhaled breath is a bit, erm, growlier! Growlier? Did I just invent a new word? I supposed I'd have to 'cause, honestly, there are no words that can adequately describe Billy's beauty in just his voice.

So, naturally, I wanted to make him laugh as much as possible and he did the same with me! I was lightheaded with the amount of laughing we were doing! I don't even remember half the things we were talking about, I only remember that hearing that voice so close to my ear for so long was, kind of, like having him right next to me laying in bed having 'pillow talk'.

Speaking of pillows, Billy's laugh has a certain effect on me. A naughty one that makes me glad we aren't video-chatting. I had to, um, take off my underwear. I just couldn't take how hard I was getting in my boxer-briefs. I was ready to drill a hole in them and those things aren't cheap! What is doubly weird about these boxers is that they don't have a Y-front so I couldn't just, well like, release the Kraken that way.

So, I was basically half-naked for most of the time we talked. Later, when we did finally call it a night, I had some private pillow time remembering our pillow talk. There was no way I was going to get any sleep if I didn't work off the extreme horniness that Billy built up in me just by my hearing the buzz of his mid-timbered voice so close to my ear for so long.

Wednesday at school I had no choice but to keep the Kraken locked in his cage even though Billy's wonderfully silly giggles had continued in person with me that day! When we saw each other in the hallway he immediately started to sputter and giggle which must have got a Joker smile out of me. Unfortunately, he seemed to tamp it down like he was shy about it with me for some reason! Maybe, we pushed it too far Tuesday night. Maybe, Billy has started feeling awkward around me because he knows something is 'off' about how much I like him.

Maybe he's getting a clue, now, and it's making him feel weird!

I hope not. We had such a great time Tuesday. I didn't see him again after that for the rest of the week. I feel a bit deflated, to tell the truth. I thought . . . we might have started something good Tuesday.

I guess not.

I stayed home Thursday and Friday. There was no sense in going to school since there was nothing much for me to do there. Where on Tuesday I liked the privacy of being alone to talk to Billy, on Thursday and Friday I didn't like the solitude that much. Everything felt so empty: the house, the neighborhood, my room, my heart. My Dad was at work, my Mom was . . . gone, Billy is frightened of me, and what should have been a fantastic week ended up being a very sad and lonely one in the end.

It's incredible how such highs can crash into such lows in the span of just a few hours. Perhaps that's what doing drugs is like. A short high followed by a long crash.

Love is a very potent drug.

This is Brandon deflating