Frozen [Mychyl Kime] - 3. Chapter 3

I froze, in shock, as those words were uttered, not knowing precisely what to say or do. Tyler, however, drifted back to sleep, albeit somewhat fitfully, a sweet smile playing across his lips as he laid, sprawled out on my desk.

I quietly left my room, stepping out onto the back patio. My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I reached into my pocket, fumbling at the lighter and cigarettes within it. Gods, I'd never needed a cig so bad in my entire life... I'd always figured that Tyler liked me as a friend or something, or maybe even idolized me... but... had a crush on me? Loved me? These things never crossed my mind, not even for a second. Until now.

As I stood there, trying to make some sense of it, or at least figure out why it was affecting me so badly, the phone rang, and when the answering machine picked up, it was my mom. She left a brief message, telling me she was out of town on business, and that she'd be back in a couple of days. Nothing terribly out of the ordinary, aside from not knowing until now, but... it's not like she had to tell me beforehand. She was the adult, after all, not me. I just didn't expect it now, at the worst, or best, possible time...

Several anxious cigarettes later, and too tired for my mind to make any sense of it right then and there, I headed back to my room, planning on waking Tyler up and sending him home. Then, I saw him, having moved from the desk to my bed at some point, burrowed under the covers, the occasional light snore coming from him. I decided, rather than disturb him, to let him sleep there, and I'd go sleep in my mom's bed instead. Especially since I preferred to sleep in the nude, and that would probably disturb him a LOT, no matter what his sleep-heavy voice told me earlier.

Decision made, I stopped in the kitchen long enough to tell his mom that he'd fallen asleep, and he was staying over... yes, I'd make sure he was OK... yes, I'd make sure he'd eat... OK, love you too... and I was off to my mom's room, where I shut the door, stepped quickly out of my school clothes, and climbed under her covers.

Focusing briefly on my dream, on the numbing ice, I shut my emotions, not to mention my desire for Tyler, far away from me, and let myself drift off into that peaceful icy dream, away from emotion, desire, and all else...

~*~

When I awoke, it was still dark, but I knew I was not alone in the bed. I could feel someone's warm breath on the back of my neck, and small, warm arms were wrapped around my midsection, the hands idly and slowly tracing over my chest, abs, softly stroking my bare flesh. Against my back, more bare flesh pressed against me, and before I could react, I felt the bed shift, as though this other person was moving around. Holding perfectly still, not even daring to breathe, my eyes half-closed with sleep still, I felt the person... Tyler... lean over me, lightly touching his moist lips to mine for only the briefest of instants, as though trying to do so without awakening me... a bit too late for that, though he clearly didn't realize it.

His lips brushed mine again, and this time, I couldn't help but let out a slight sigh, at which Tyler bolted up and away from my face, though his arms didn't let go of me. Unsure of what to do or say, I only laid there still, enjoying his presence and the feel of his warm, soft skin against mine, afraid that, to do or say anything might break this spell, and drive him away from me. Which I knew was the last thing I wanted, especially since it would also mean hurting Tyler.

Finally, after several moments of this sweet torture, I struck upon a plan. Slowly, I started to stretch and squirm, as though just waking up, forcing myself to move languidly enough that, if he didn't want to be discovered, he would be able to get away "before I was awake". With a final kiss on the back of my neck, drawing a reflexive moan from my lips before I could stop it, he pulled away from me and got up, leaving the room quietly but quickly, but not before I turned slightly, catching a flash of bare skin as he ran across to my room and out of sight.

I stretched lazily, my heart still pounding from the all-too-brief contact with him, and the warmth it brought me, half-wishing I'd continued to lie there and enjoy it rather than chasing him away... but then, cold realization kicked in, destroying the warmth. I knew he'd be too afraid, afraid of me doing or saying something, for anything to ever really come of it, this brief interlude the only exception. It wouldn't matter how I breached the subject... and at worse, he might say something to someone about it, just to keep people from figuring out his role in it!

I sighed, perhaps a bit too loudly, as I got up, for while I began to get dressed, he walked up to the door and looked in at me... his eyes bulged for a moment when he saw my naked body, then he recovered by averting his eyes, taking off for my room practically in a dead run, mumbling an apology as he went, closing the door behind him...

I hurried to finish getting dressed, and as soon as I was done, went over to my room, opening the door and peeking in. "Tyler?" I said in a soft tone, not wanting to upset him further. He looked up at my face, blushing furiously, but didn't say anything.

"It's OK... we're both guys, right?" I said, trying to calm him down, get him from being so self-conscious. Granted, I wanted to go over and hold him, and comfort him... but I knew that would only make matters worse, so I stopped myself, just standing at the doorway.

Finally, he calmed back down a bit, though he wouldn't look at me more than in glances, his eyes boring holes into the floor. I sat down at my desk, since he was seated on the edge of my bed, and glanced down at his homework, staring up at me, clearly nowhere near finished.

"Here, finish your homework... I'm gonna grab a cig, then I'll help you."

He nodded, and as I got up to leave, I glanced back to see him getting up, apparently heading to the desk to do just as I suggested. I closed the door softly behind me, walking back to the back door and letting myself out. This had proved to be an interesting day... now, I just had to put it all into perspective.

He couldn't love me... or if he did, he could never show it. He'd be far too embarassed, one for what I might do or say if I "found out", and two... I wasn't sure, but it seemed like he thought it was even worse that it was me, since I'm quasi-related to him. Nor could I feel that way for him... marriage be damned, I didn't count him as a relative, more as an annoyance... but now, that was changing, and I was feeling for him... thinking of him as a friend, and maybe a love...

I shut down that train of thought, calling the icefield to numb me against feeling for him... it seemed I was doing that a lot lately, and it was getting less and less effective, but I didn't know any other way to stop the painful feelings that could never, ever happen. No matter HOW much I wanted them to, they just couldn't. It wasn't safe, and it wasn't fair that I had to worry if it was safe to love him... but that's just how it was. I hated it, but I knew that whether I liked it or not, it was still very painfully true.

The wind suddenly picked up, and with it, a brief chill blew across my back yard, nearly freezing me with its force. Shivering heavily, I put out my cigarette and went back inside, to find him sitting at the Playstation. With a smirk, he looked back at me, apparently recovered from the incident, for the briefest of moments, before going back to his game. I chuckled, and walked over to my usual chair, picking up the other controller. At least things were back to normal. Which, although I hated it, was the best I could ask for at the moment. And I wasn't about to risk what I had... for what I wanted. No matter how much I wanted to love him, and feel his love in return, I knew it wasn't gonna happen.