Frozen [Mychyl Kime] - 1. Chapter 1

I've had a dream my entire life.

In my dream, there is a vast tundra. All I can see in any direction is ice and snow. The wind is fierce, cutting into me, driving me back two steps for every step forward I try to take. Then, just as I find the strength to fight the wind, I see a ravine before me, hidden in the white of the whirling snow, and I realize the cold, the wind, was all to protect me.

Now, finally, I think I understand the dream. And I only wish I could have the cold to protect me now. If only its numbing powers could flood my soul now, I could be protected from the pain. All I would have to do is... never feel. Never try to love. Then I would be safe.

~*~

Well, perhaps I should introduce myself... I mean, that's only proper, so you know who this miserable person in front of you is. My name's Damien. Damien Avile. I don't know what the big fuss is about my name... whenever I say it, people just kinda... go all cold on me, but... whatever.

Anyways, I grew up in a small, rural town in Northern California... Ukiah, that was the name of it. I've tried to forget about that town ever since I left, but... every time I get bored, or lonely, the past seems to resurface. And memories, as they say, can often be dangerous. Especially of Ukiah... that was the worst. I've lived a number of places since then, but nothing was ever worse than there. A town where anyone who's a homosexual can expect to get beaten senseless... if they're lucky. I remember hearing, when I was in junior high, hearing about a senior who got caught by gaybashers and beaten almost to death... left him for paralyzed, too, when the cops showed up. Not that they're much against it, mind you, but... they
have their appearances to keep up, after all. I heard that that boy wound up moving to San Francisco, and that his boyfriend went somewhere... I don't know where, though by now I've probably crossed paths with him any number of times. It's only to be expected, when you travel.

Anyhow, I digress.

People seem to make a big fuss about how attractive I am, but I don't see it... do you? I mean, I'm a mere 5'8, nothing too impressive... I've got blue eyes, sure, but they're not all THAT blue... and my brown hair's nothing all that spectacular, even with the blond highlights from the sun. And sure, I'm not fat or anything, but... I'm not one of those muscular guys either. Just... skinny. Practically scrawny, if you ask me... but, I guess that's what the guys like.

Yes, I said guys... what, did you think I was straight? Please, not me.

So, I guess the best place to begin is where it actually began... back in high school...

~*~

It was a cold winter's day, just after Christmas break. As usual, nothing special or fancy, just a bunch of random family members, sitting around and being pleasant and sociable with one another. And me, off in one corner, paying every bit of my attention to the video game I'm playing, hoping that they'll leave me alone for once. On one side of me, a seemingly endless supply of soda and munchies... on the other, a half-full ashtray and a pack of cigarettes.

OK, yea, I smoke. So? You're leading me away from the subject here.

That was pretty much the entire Christmas vacation. Me doing my damnedest to be antisocial and avoid them, them ignoring me and focusing on one another. All except my younger cousin, Tyler.

OK, sidenote: Tyler isn't actually MY cousin. He's my second cousin, and even then, only by marriage. Remember, this is California, not Arkansas. He IS quite attractive, though... back then, when I was 17, he was 15, about my height and build, with long blond hair and hazel eyes. And he always seemed to be drawn to me... though whether attraction or just cameraderie, I never knew... and didn't plan on finding out, since the wrong word or action would've outted me to everyone in town. Not a safe move.

Tyler seemed quite determined to get my attention away from the game and on him. Which, given normal circumstances, wouldn't have taken anything more than a simple hello from him... everything about him seems determined to draw my attention. But, remember that I was trying my hardest to keep from noticing anyone or anything except my game. And it was working, much to his dismay.

OK, back to present... it's a school day, and I'm standing around outside... to be more specific, behind the music building, where everyone's been sneaking back to for smoke breaks since practically when the school was built... shivering in the cold and smoking, trying to hurry so I could get back inside where it was actually ALMOST warm. And up walks Tyler. So much for peace and quiet.

"Hey, Damien!" he practically gushed, running up to me and nearly tackling me to the ground with a fierce hug. Good thing no one was around.

"What do you want, Tyler?" I replied, not exactly happy about the break in my quiet morning... although I have to admit, him hugging me was helping quite a bit with the cold. Not to mention the fact that, in another time and place, when things actually went the way I wanted them to, I could've been with Tyler. As in going out with him. But, meh.

"What? I wanted to hang out with you!" he said, his voice hurt and upset.

"I'm sorry... I just... you know how I am... about people bothering me..."

"Oh, yea, that." He let go of me and pulled away, though it was obvious he didn't want to. Maybe there was something more there... but if there was, he didn't seem to notice it, and I certainly wasn't going to be the first to suggest such a thing. "So, whatcha doin' after school?"

I must admit, I had no plans. Which isn't to say I wasn't going to do anything... I would probably go home, do my homework as quickly as possible, then affix myself to my Playstation, ignoring all else in favor of the game in front of me. Typical schoolday ending. "Nothing," I replied, "why?"

"Uhm..." he started, trailing off to nothing. I knew what he was edging towards... but be damned if I would make it easy on him, especially since his plans included intruding on my day. "Mind if I come over? I can bring my videogames, so we can play some games together...?"

I nodded, flicking my cigarette and heading back inside with little more than a nod to him before doing so. It was already turning out to be one of those days where he wouldn't leave me alone... whether for good or bad, though, I had yet to see.