Frozen [Mychyl Kime] - 7. Chapter 7

The next few days passed in a blur as I fought to both remember and to forget, neither allowing myself solace from the pain nor suffering enough from it to get over it. I kept looking for Tyler, as though my scanning the campus for him would make him miraculously appear before me, and then everything would be all right. Strangely, however, whenever I started looking around like that, TJ always seemed to pop up, and he never seemed to mind that I wasn't precisely paying attention... with a few words of comfort, he'd be off again, though something about the way he'd seem almost... disappointed?... made me think maybe he was popping up more than just to comfort me.

I didn't want to think about that at this point, though; I was still too busy loving and missing Tyler, and hoping at some point I could manage to find him, talk to him, make him mine again... I refused to visit the ice-field after that last dream, afraid even to call on the chill defense that protected me from this emotional agony my separation from Tyler I was constantly suffering. I knew, deep in my heart, that all I had to do was find him, talk to him, and he would be with me again.

But, the more time passed, the harder it seemed to get to find him, to get a chance to even talk to him, until finally, halfway through school one day, I walked off campus, ignoring TJ as he started to chase after me, wanting nothing more than to just be alone...

"Hey!" he said, catching me finally. "Didn't you hear me calling you?"

I didn't really want to talk to him... I knew he was worried about me, and the last thing I wanted was him to worry about me. At the same time, though, I knew walking away would only make things worse. Glancing around quickly, I headed off to the side, by the cemetary near the school, where no one ever went, and he followed, curiosity clearly visible in his eyes.

"Look... I haven't been myself lately," I said, my throat sore like I hadn't spoken since then... which was entirely possible, I realized with a start, that I hadn't spoken since that afternoon. "I haven't seen Tyler around since... that day..." I let myself slip to the ground, my vision blurring instantly the second I spoke his name. He knelt next to me, his arms encircling me, holding me while I cried my eyes out. His body, next to mine, felt so warm, his touch so soothing to me, as though returning something I'd thought lost until now.

"Ssh, it's OK," he said softly, trying to calm me and bring me back to coherent thought and speech. "I knew something was going on... I haven't seen him around, either, and since you've been looking like someone died, I knew that was probably it... why do you think I keep following you around, huh?"

I looked up, my eyes still a little blurry, into his eyes, and as though someone else was doing it, I felt myself sliding up and forward, my face growing closer to his, my lips to his, until I kissed him... that wasn't what I expected from all this, and I certainly didn't feel the kiss, not like I wanted to, before everything happened like it had, but it lasted for a good few seconds, before he pulled away, though still holding me.

"What the fuck was that about?" he asked, his voice thick with confusion. I couldn't answer... he'd pulled away, I kissed him and he'd pulled away, so what now? Was he gonna beat me up for it? He certainly could; he had me held tightly, so though it probably wasn't his plan when he grabbed me, I couldn't move to get away or fight back like this. I let myself go a bit limp, hoping to break free in case he did. "I thought you liked Tyler?"

My brain started working, trying to come up with an answer that would save my skin. "I do... but I've kinda liked you since I met you, and... I don't know," I confessed, shocked once more by what seemed like my body was taking control of itself rather than my moving it. He looked into my eyes once more, compassion rather than confusion showing. The compassion, more than anything, told me how wrong I was to kiss him, and I yanked myself away, catching him by surprise by my actions and managing to pull free then getting hastily to my feet, starting out at a dead run for home.

"Wait!" I heard behind me, but I wasn't about to do that... I was afraid, afraid to see the compassion in his eyes when he told me he didn't like me, certainly like that, or worse, that he was straight... afraid to be hurt even deeper, with the pain that cut my soul bare and left me no hope or relief.

~*~

When I got home, I closed the door hard behind me, locking it. I thought TJ was still following me, but I didn't know and didn't want to chance it. Certainly not after that scene I'd just played out, like a bad script in the saddest movie ever made. I didn't think things could possibly get any better, and I couldn't bear to face the pain anymore, no matter what might happen if I went back to my "old" way of ignoring it.

I ran up to my room, closing and locking that door as well, and threw my pack in the corner, laying down on my bed hard enough to make the floor beneath it creak softly. Shutting my eyes against the dim light filtering into my room through the blinds, I summoned the cold, the chill that killed all emotion, that deadened me to the world around me, that protected me against the pain I felt, and continued to feel. It was slow coming, but it did show up, and I felt my body grow tired as I concentrated, sliding off into darkness, into oblivion...

I had the dream again... this time, however, instead of a pillar of ice, I was in a cage of the stuff, a small cage with hardly any room for me in it, and I reached forward, gingerly touching the ice, when I noticed it was sharp, very sharp, and it cut my hand, my blood flowing out onto it. But the ice turned my blood blue, and the blue flowed up from the cut, into me. I panicked... I knew, now for certain, that this was no longer safe for me, that this was now going to kill me if I didn't get free, and I fought with my icy prison, trying to break the "bars", but they didn't budge, and for my efforts, all I got were more and more cuts on my hands, arms, face...

I started to feel weak, and as I glanced at my hands, I saw that they were completely, utterly blue. Not frostbitten like before, but a pure, crystal blue that seemed to creep further up my skin, until the cold was all I felt.

Just before I passed out inside the dream, I realized I'd finally gotten what I wanted... I would never have to feel again...

~*~ FIN ~*~