My Brother Daniel - 14. Chapter 14

Did I mention how much I hate hospitals. We were there for hours, most of them spent waiting for one thing or another. After x-rays and scans Daniel was given a sling and sent away with painkillers and a warning to come back if there were any problems. Nothing was broken and nothing was seriously damaged, thank goodness. He couldn’t hide the bruises though – over his shoulder and down his side where he’d caught himself on the coffee table – or the winces. Every one hurts me too.

“So what was with the ninja stuff?” I ask curiously as I drive home.

“Hmm?” Daniel’s dozing, the result of the painkillers I guess. So much for doing anything but sleeping when we get home.

“The way you flipped Andy was awesome. Where did you learn to do that?”

“Sara made me do classes. She said it wouldn’t hurt me to know how to defend myself.”

“What kind of classes were they?”

“I don’t know. Something Japanese. I still go sometimes.”

“I’ll have to come with you. Something like that would be really useful to know, especially with Andy still out there somewhere.”

“Okay.” Daniel’s really perks up at the idea of doing classes together. “I…I haven’t been f…for a long time. My cla…class was back home. I…I me…mean where my m…mother lives. When I came to…to Sara I didn’t find a n…new one.”

Daniel sighs and sinks back into his seat, turning his face toward the window.

“What’s wrong?” Daniel shakes his head. “No, come on, seriously, what’s wrong. You don’t look so good. Are you feeling ill?” Daniel nods. “What is it? Your shoulder? Do you have a headache? Do we need to go back to the hospital.” Daniel shakes his head to them all. He closes his eyes and bites his lip and I’m starting to feel really worried. I’m half inclined to turn around and go back to the hospital but we’re nearly home, so I put my foot down and try to get there as fast as I can.

Daniel whimpers and it almost breaks my heart. “What the hell’s wrong with you? Why won’t you tell me?”

The hurt expression on Daniel’s face makes me feel like I’ve just kicked a puppy. His lip quivers and his eyes are wide and bright. He opens his mouth to say something but clamps it shut again and puts his hand over it for good measure.

“What is it? Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong.”

Daniel swallows hard and shudders.

“Speak to me.”

“Stop,” he finally grinds out.

“Stop what?”

“Car.”

“Stop the car? Why?”

“Stop.”

“Daniel, what—”

Tearing my eyes away from Daniel, I have to wrench the car into line after taking a turn too fast. I finally find out what’s wrong with Daniel when he starts choking and sprays vomit over the dashboard between his fingers, which are still clamped over his mouth.

“Don’t do that, Daniel. You’ll choke. Just…let it out.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he sobs as he fights to control his stomach. Thank God we’re not far from home.

“Ssh. It’s alright. You can’t help it, baby. It’s probably shock or something.”

Daniel whimpers. As we pull up at the house, he opens the door and vomits again into the gutter. I shoot out of the car around to his side to rub his back as he hangs his head. I gather up his beautiful hair and tuck it under the back of the sling to keep it out of the way.

Between bouts of sickness, Daniel whimpers pathetically and looks up at me with streaming, puppy eyes. I would have happily bitten off a finger to make him feel better.

“Come on, let’s get you inside.”

I help Daniel out of the car and slam the door. I’ll worry about cleaning the car later. I have to support him into the house and take him straight to the bedroom.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling sick?”

“I couldn’t. If I’d opened my mouth it would have come out and I really wanted to hold it in until I got out of the car.”

“You didn’t do very well with that then did you?” I’m teasing but Daniel clearly isn’t in the mood to be joked with.

“I’m sorry.” Daniel sounds so distraught I could bite off my tongue. He’s sick and still apologising. “I don’t feel very well, Rayn,” he whispers.

“No shit Sherlock. Come on, get undressed and into bed and I’ll bring you some hot milk. That always makes me feel better when I have an upset stomach.”

“Okay,” Daniel says, still whispering.

“Does your head hurt now?”

He nods. “It hurts a lot. Being sick al…always makes my head hurt…like…like it’s a drum and someone is hitting it with a stick.”

“No one’s got a stick, darling.” I kiss him gently on his hot temple. “But I know how bad it feels when your head’s like that.”

“It hurts on the outside, too, where the bad man hit me.”

“Oh shit, I forgot. Dammit.” Very gently, I brush Daniel’s hair away from his temple wondering how the hell I failed to notice the bruise that’s darkening just above his temple. In my defence, most of it is hidden by his hair. I run my fingers over the sore place and Daniel winces.

“I’m sorry I forgot. Has it been hurting all this time?”

“A little. Not as much as this. It didn’t start hurting a lot until I was sick.”

“Oh. Okay. But you should have said something at the hospital. You could have a concussion or something. You know how dangerous it is when you get hit on the head.”

“It wasn’t exactly on the head…really. And I’m okay. It was just hurting on the outside.”

“But maybe that’s why you were sick? Maybe––”

“I was sick because the p…pills made me f…feel sick and you were driving like an idiot.”

“I was not driving like an idiot.” Daniel doesn’t say a word. He simply raises an eyebrow and I melt. “Alright, maybe I was. I just wanted to get you home.”

“I wanted to get home too, because I was f…feeling so sick.”

“Well, lie down and I’ll get some ice. That should make it feel better. You might have a black eye tomorrow.”

“Really?” Daniel, surprisingly, looks delighted. “I’ve never had one o…of those be…before.”

“Good. I hope you never have one again.”

“It might feel better if you kissed it,” Daniel says, giving me a hot look from under his lashes and it makes me laugh. Even with a puffy eye, his arm in a sling and smelling of vomit he’s still the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and sexy as hell. Still, it wouldn’t be appropriate to take advantage of that right now. After everything that happened, I crave closeness, to be in his arms, but that doesn’t mean we have to throw ourselves at each other.

“Get undressed and into bed. I’ll get the car cleaned up then make us some hot milk and I’ll be right back.”

“Why do you have to go?”

“Because, by tomorrow the car will be ripe and I really don’t relish the task of cleaning it in the first place let alone leaving it to brew until then.”

The petulant expression vanishes from Daniel’s face to be replaced by a horribly contrite one. “I’m sorry.”

I take Daniel’s face between my hands and kiss him softly. “Don’t be. Don’t ever be sorry for something you can’t help.”

“Okay.” Daniel’s smile is bright again and it carries me through the unpleasant task of cleaning the car. After that, I really need to shower and notice, from the water everywhere, that Daniel must have taken a shower too. From the toothpaste in the sink I see he’s cleaned his teeth too. Daniel is going to need a few basic lessons about cleaning up after himself. I get the feeling he’s been spoiled.

When I finally get to the bedroom with two mugs of hot milk in my hands, Daniel is asleep, his damp hair spread out over the pillows like a golden throw. Dear God he’s so beautiful. My heart hurts, as I put the mugs on the table and sit down on the bed next to him. He stirs and blinks sleepily up at me, with a lovely smile spreading over his face.

“Hello, Rayn.”

“Hello, Daniel. Would you like some hot milk?”

Daniel yawns. “No. I want you.”

Forgetting all about the milk, I slip under the covers and snuggle up to Daniel’s warm body. He giggles. You’re cold.”

“Mmm. You’re not. You’re warm as toast.”

“I was until you colded me.”

“Colded? Is that a word?”

“It is now.” He turns and wraps himself around me.

“Make me warm again,” he demands.

“Ooh, Mr Demanding. Come here.” I pull him close and curse myself when he yelps. “Dammit, I’m sorry, Daniel. I keep forgetting your shoulder. I’m such a bad boyfriend.”

“You are not a b…bad boyfriend. You’re the be…best.” He kisses me gently and I forget everything but the softness of his lips, the warmth of his body against mine and the touch of his hand, running over my goose-bumped skin. “We fit,” he says as he presses his body so close he might be trying to push right through.

“We definitely do.”

“We need to fit more. Like a jigsaw puzzle.”

“Are you sure? Are you well enough?” Daniel answers me by hooking his leg over mine and pulling me even closer, while doing things with his lips and tongue that should frankly be illegal. “Well, if you put it that way.”

****

Daniel had a bad night. He tossed and turned and even when he did eventually fall asleep he moaned and whimpered and called my name in his sleep. I got up twice to get him painkillers, then lay awake stroking his hair until he fell asleep when I allowed myself to doze until his cries woke me again.

Bright music wakes me suddenly from my first deep sleep of the night. For a moment I have no idea what’s going on, then I suddenly realise it’s my phone ringing. I leap out of bed, forgetting in my sleep fuddled state that Daniel is wrapped around me and find myself torn between getting the phone and comforting Daniel who’s woken in pain and is crying.

Fortunately my phone is within arm’s reach – just – and I’m able to answer it while keeping Daniel in my arms and soothing him.

It’s hard to concentrate on the phone call with Daniel, still half asleep and whimpering, clinging to me and trying to nestle into my side.

“Hang on, Daniel, babe, I have to take this call.”

“I hurt, Rayn. Make it go away. Hug me.”

“When I’ve finished the call I’ll get you something for the pain and cuddle you as long as you like. Please just let me talk for a minute.”

“But I need you.”

“I’m here aren’t I?” By now, I’m trying to keep the annoyance and frustration out of my voice and it doesn’t help when the call turns out to be the police. Apparently, Andy made a complaint about being attacked by Daniel. Fortunately, the police officer he spoke to is the same one who helped me get the injunction, and he reminded Andy he shouldn’t have been here in the first place. Andy backed off when it was made clear he’d be hauled before a judge for breaching the injunction if he didn’t.

“So who’s this crazy ninja then?” the police officer asks, amusement colouring his voice.

“That would be Daniel, my boyfriend.”

“Sounds like a good man to have at your back in a situation like this.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Are you going to make a complaint about the breach of the injunction and the assault?”

“I….” I’m half inclined to say no, but I glance down at Daniel, and the sight of his tear–stained face is enough to give me the courage I have, so far, lacked. “Yes. Too right I’m going to make a complaint, and I want to go ahead with the other one, please. I know I was reluctant before, but I’m not anymore. I’m not afraid of Andy anymore.”

“Good for you. How about Daniel? Will he make a complaint?”

I glance at Daniel again. “I don’t know. I’ll speak to him about it.”

“How do you want to play it. Shall I come out and take your statement?”

I ponder for a moment, but I’m sure the sight of a policeman would frighten Daniel, the state he’s in. “No, I’ll come down.”

“That’s fine. Just ask for me. If I’m not here, ask for Paul Barrett. He’s my partner and knows all about the case.”

“Okay, thanks.” My hand is shaking as I set down the phone, but I feel better about myself and the situation than I have in a long time. Anger flutters around the edges of my thoughts. How dare Andy make a complaint about Daniel. After everything he’s done to me…. Daniel nudges me and I thrust the anger aside. The last thing I want is for Daniel to think it’s aimed at him.

I take a deep breath and smile at Daniel. “You’re an annoying little bugger sometimes, you know that?”

“But I hurt, Rayn.”

“I know. We all hurt sometimes. I hurt when Andy split my lip. Sometimes we just have to put up with it.”

“But I don’t want to put up with it. I want you to make it go away.” Daniel is sulky and fractious from tiredness and pain. I have to hold on to my nerves to stop myself snapping at him. It would do no good at all to shout at him and tell him to ‘man up’ because he can’t and it would be needlessly cruel. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel like slapping him. I’m tired and fractious too.

“Do you want me to get you some more painkillers? It’s just about time.”

“No,” Daniel says sulkily. “I want you to cuddle me.”

“That’s something I can do with no trouble at all.” Carefully, I manoeuvre him into a more comfortable position and wrap my arms around him. He sighs and snuggles in to me. If he were a cat he’d be purring for sure. Within minutes he starts to get heavy as he relaxes into sleep again. It’s the last thing I want to do right now.

Waiting for Daniel to sink into a deep sleep, I very carefully disentangle myself and slip out from under him. He murmurs and stirs but doesn’t wake.

Padding into the living room, I call Sara who is none too pleased. “You said you could handle it, Rayn. You promised he’d be safe.”

“I know. Do you think that slipped my mind. No one is angrier with me than I am. There is nothing I want more in the world than to take care of Daniel and no, at the first time of testing, I didn’t take of him. I didn’t protect him. I let him down.”

“Why didn’t you call me when you took him to the hospital?”

“Because he didn’t want me to. If I thought it was really serious I’d have called you, but he was fine.”

“I don’t think that, by definition, you can say he’s fine when you had to take him to the hospital.”

“Relatively fine.”

“It’s not funny, Rayn.”

“No, Sara, I was here at the time and I can absolutely assure you it wasn’t funny. However, Daniel is fine. In fact, it would have been a lot worse if it hadn’t been for Daniel. If he hadn’t flipped Andy and literally had him under his foot, things might have gone a lot worse for both of us.”

“What do you mean?” Sara snaps.

I smile fondly as I think about what happened. “Daniel came over all ninja and flipped Andy onto his back then but a foot on his chest and ordered him out.”

“He did what?”

“I’ve never seen him like that – powerful and in control. I was so proud of him. He told me he used to take martial arts classes. We’re going to go together.”

“There aren’t any classes around here.” She sounds stunned.

“Then I’ll drive us. I want to do this. It’s something we can do together.”

“What about Andy?”

“Can you believe he made a complaint about Daniel? Don’t worry, the police reminded him he was breaching the injunction by coming here, and he backed off. I’m going to the station this morning to make a statement. I told the police I’m going to actively pursue both complaints.”

“Good for you. Do you think you and Daniel are safe?”

My heart stutters for a moment as I consider. Are we safe? Is Andy still out there plotting? Planning ways to hurt us? He’d pretty much said as much, and he wouldn’t be pleased about being cut off on making that complaint. Then I remember his face when Daniel flipped him. He was scared shitless. Andy’s basically a bully and a coward. I doubt he’d ever openly confront either of us again. He knows I’m not afraid now, and that’s what he wanted; what he relief on. But that doesn’t mean he won’t try to hurt us.

“I don’t know,” I have to say. “Andy’s unpredictable. I don’t think he’ll confront us directly, but he might do other things. Or he might walk away. I just don’t know.

Sara sighs. “I guess I can’t keep Daniel safe from the world forever.”

“The world isn’t a safe place and living in it definitely isn’t safe. Who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow. All I can promise you, Sara, is that I’ll protect Daniel from as much of it as I possibly can, but shutting him away from it isn’t the answer.”

“I know. I know. Don’t push it.”

Her tone makes me smile. So, down to business. “Will you come sit with Daniel when I go to the police station?”

“I thought he didn’t need a babysitter.”

“Ordinarily, no, but today he’s not well and I’m worried what might happen if he’s here on his own. He was really badly shaken yesterday and he had a terrible night. He’s asleep now and I hope he stays asleep for a while but he’s in pain and he needs someone to get his pills and, quite frankly, just to hold his hand.”

“Yeah, that’s Daniel. Okay, I’ll be there in an hour. You’re lucky I’m not working today.”

“Who were you talking to?” Daniel’s sleepy voice asks as I head for the kitchen. He’s standing in the doorway of the bedroom, his hair ruffled and his eyes heavy with sleep. Did I mention he’s drop dead gorgeous?

“Sara. I have to go to the police station and she’s going to come stay with you while I’m away.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“No, but you might need some help, with your arm in a sling. She can get your pain meds too. You have to be careful with those.”

“I know how to take a couple of pills when I need them. You could leave the right ones on the table if you’re scared I’ll do it wrong. Wait a minute.” He frowns, then walks towards me combing his fingers through his hair. “You’re going to the police station? Then I’m coming with you.”

“There’s no point in dragging both of us down there. It’s not as if I’m going to be having fun.”

“But I can tell them…about the bad man. No…about Andy.” He says the words slowly, weighing them in his mind. Grownups don’t say that, do they?”

“Say what?”

“’bad man’ or ‘good man’. They use different words.” He sits at the kitchen table looking extremely sad. “I don’t have the right words and I don’t look at things in the right way. I’m never going to be a grown up, am I? I’m never going to grow up. I’ll always need someone to take care of me because I’ll never be able to take care of myself. I’m sorry, Rayn, I thought I could do it.”

“Do what?”

“Be a grown up, a proper boyfriend for you. I thought one day we could get married and have children, be a proper family, but it’s never going to happen is it?”

“Why not?” I’m absolutely horrified – by what he’s saying and the way he’s saying it. So sad, so hopeless.

“Because only grownups have those things. Otherwise it’s just playing, just pretend. Are we just pretend boyfriends, Rayn? I don’t think I can ever be a proper one.”

I sit down, just across the corner of the table, and take Daniel’s hand. I don’t really know what to say. “We are proper boyfriends. You are a proper boyfriend. We’re not playing at this, Daniel, at least I’m not. I want all those things, the things you said – a husband, a family. I don’t have a family of my own, not anymore, and there’s nothing I’d like more than to make a new one with you.

“So what if you need someone to look after you? I like looking after you. I like the fact that you’re so open and honest. Okay, I get frustrated but everyone gets frustrated with each other sometimes. I’m so lucky. I never have to worry about you lying or deceiving me because you just can’t and that’s a huge thing in a relationship. I never have to worry if you’re hiding what you feel or being dishonest in the way you feel about me. And, let’s not forget a rather important part – you’re gorgeous and sexy and…well, we fit.”

Daniel looks a little less sad, but he’s still frowning and drawing little circles on the table with his fingers.

“Will you get fed up of it one day? Of having to take care of me? If we have children will it be too hard to look after three of us?”

“Three?”

“We can’t have just one. It won’t be fair. I don’t know what I’d do without Sara. They need someone to be there for them always.”

“They’ll have us.”

“It’s not the same,” he explains patiently. “Parents are great…well mothers are… but they’re not there all the time. They’re not out playing in the street to chase the bad…the…cruel and spiteful people away. They’re not there in your room at night when you’re crying and….” He shrugs. “It’s just not the same. We’re going to be great dads but they’ll still need each other.”

I can’t help but smile. He’s talking like it’s a done deal again and it’s a huge relief.

“Okay then, two it is.”

“Or three.”

“We’ll start with two and see how it goes.”

“We will? For sure?”

“For absolute sure.”

“And we’ll be married one day?” He looks so hopeful yet unsure it hurts. It occurs to me that I would be physically unable to walk away from him when he looks at me like that. It could be a crushing responsibility, being so completely responsible for someone else’s happiness, and six months ago it would have been a responsibility I’d run from. Now….

I slide off my chair and reach up to pull Daniel into my arms and hold him close. “We’ll be married one day, I promise. When I’m through with university and have a proper job, we’ll get married and get a beautiful house together, where we’ll have beautiful children, who’ll look just like you. They’ll be the most beautiful and most perfect children on earth.”

Daniel pulls away and frowns at me. “You do know, don’t you, that I can’t have babies? I’m a man and we’re not made like that. Only women can have babies.”

Stifling laughter I smile at him. “Then we’ll find a woman to have your babies for us.”

“A woman?” He looks so disgusted I can’t help the laugh bursting out.

“There are ways, Daniel. Don’t worry, you won’t have to have sex with a woman.”

He sags with relief. “Oh good. I was worried for a minute.”

“Would it really be that terrible for you?”

“Oh yes,” he says in all seriousness. “It would be like having sex with Sara and that would be horrible.”

I bite my lip and turn away so he can’t see the expression on my face. I will never stop being surprised by the things Daniel say. “Well, we’ll sort something out. There’s nothing you can’t do if you want it enough and are prepared to work for it.”

“That’s what Sara says.”

Thankfully, he seems to have shaken himself out of his melancholy and I get on with making breakfast. I’m just finishing, putting the toast on the table, when he says out of the blue.

“Do you think they’ll be ashamed of me?”

“What? Who do you mean? Who?”

“Our children. Will they be ashamed to have me as their Dad?”

“Are you crazy? They’ll be the proudest kids around. Who wouldn’t be proud of you?”

“Lots of people. Andy isn’t the only person who calls me names.”

Ah so that’s what this is about. “Andy is a bad man. Those are perfect words to describe him. He likes to be in control and treats people like crap. You can’t let anything he says get you down.”

“I know, but he’s not the only one. Lots and lots of people have called me those things. All my life. Strangers shout it in the street sometimes. Sara used to chase them away, now she says to ignore it but I can’t. And the children won’t be able to.”

“The children will be so proud of you they’ll laugh in the faces of those rude people. There are always people who criticize and pass judgement. It isn’t just you.”

“No one can say nasty things about you.”

“Oh trust me, they have.”

“They have? What?”

“Back where I come from they don’t take to well to gay men, Daniel, especially not in school.”

“Ah. Yes. I’ve heard about that. No one’s ever said it to me. I guess they don’t know. I haven’t had a proper boyfriend before, so how would they?”

“I thought Sara said you’d had your heart broken before? Have I made you forget all about him?” I tuck a strand of hair behind his ear and brush his cheek with the back of my fingers. Daniel closes his eyes and smiles a dreamy smile, giving a little shiver. He flutters his eyelashes at me but he looks a little uncomfortable.

“What? What’s that look for?”

“Umm.”

“What? Daniel, you know you can’t hide anything from me.”

“He was never a boyfriend; not really. It was like…. I g…guess it was a bit li…like Andy. He t…told me what to do and said ba…bad things about me all the time. I always knew he was going to hu…hurt me but I–I le…let him….”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad. Yes, that boy was like Andy. He used you. But it wasn’t your fault. You let him do things to you because you desperately wanted to believe he cared for you. I know how that feels. Don’t feel bad about it because if you do it means he wins, and you can’t let him win.” I stop, listening to my own words, and a bitter laugh slips from my lips. “I wish I’d had someone tell me that about Andy. Listen. We’re going to get rid of Andy, and we’re going have a great life and you’re going to have the best boyfriend ever.”

Daniel grins and shakes his head. “No. I’m not going to have a boyfriend for much longer.”

“What?” Terror pierces the confusion. Have I blown it? Did I say something wrong?

Daniel smiles. “D…don’t look so w…worried.” He slips off the chair and into my arms. “My b…boyfriend is going to b…be my husband s…soon. Right?”

“You have a one track mind don’t you?”

“Wh…what do you mean?”

I slide my hands into Daniel’s hair and draw his face closer, kissing him gently on the nose. “I’m going to have to ask you to marry me sooner rather than later or you’ll hound me.”

“I d…don’t know what that means but yes, you do have to ask me s…soon.”

“I’ll bear that in mind.”

When we kiss I almost ask him right here and now, but I’m not ready yet.