My Brother Daniel - 6. Chapter 6

Next day at five I’m sitting in the car outside Daniel’s house feeling scared to death. This is different from yesterday. Everything is different from yesterday. Things said in haste have sunk in and though I don’t regret a single one of them, it still scares the hell out of me.

I’m still sitting here when the door opens and Daniel appears looking anxious. When he sees me the anxiousness disappears and his sunny smile falls back firmly in place.

“Rayn, I th…thought you w…weren’t coming.”

“If course I came. Why wouldn’t I come? How could I not come? I missed you, Daniel. I really missed you.” And I have. Oh boy, I really have. A weight lifts from my shoulders. Who gives a damn about problems and responsibilities? I’m with my Daniel and this is where I belong.

“I missed you, too.” He’s leaning in through the car window and I see Sara over his shoulder. Suddenly, I want to be anywhere but here.

“Are you ready to go?”

“I just n…need to get my…my coat.” He straightens and turns. “Oh,” he says when he sees his sister. He doesn’t sound too happy. Sara hands him his coat and tries to hug him but he moves away. Uh oh.

As Daniel stalks around the car, Sara leans down. “Don’t bring him home too late, and make sure you’re sensible about what you watch. He doesn’t follow complex stories and—”

“I told you, Sara,” Daniel says loudly, standing at the passenger door. I can’t see his face but I hear the scowl in his voice. “I’m going...going to w…watch horror films and drink… alcohol until I’m dr…unk. I’m not a…a child and I don’t…don’t have a curfew so I’ll s…stay out as long as I li…li…like. If I want, I’ll have s…sex with Rayn in the back of his car.”

“He’s being difficult,” Sara says to me. “He gets like this sometimes when he’s over stimulated. You’ve been warned.”

“Oh shut up, Sara.” By this time he’s in the car and buckling up. “Let’s go.”

Sara bends low and says very softly. “I spoke to him about Mark. Please Rayn, I beg you. he’s got no restraint, no idea of danger. Please don’t do anything.”

“I’ve told you I’ll take care of him, and I will. I won’t hurt him and I won’t take advantage of him. How many times do I have to say it?”

Sara stares at me for a moment then nods and withdraws.

“Can we please leave now?” Daniel asks in a sulky voice.

“Yes, your majesty. Just wait for the grownups to finish talking.”

“I am a…a grow…own up,” Daniel says indignantly.

“Grownups don’t speak like that to people who care for them and are trying to keep them safe.

“I–I am s…afe with you. I know it.”

“But Sara doesn’t.”

Daniel’s silent for a while and I wonder if I’ve gone too far. I know how fiercely Daniel wants to be treated as an adult and if I’ve rubbed in his face that he isn’t behaving like one, will he turn on me? Will he be angry? Will he think I’m not on his side anymore?

“She frustrates me,” he says and makes me jump.

“She frustrates me too but I don’t tell her I’m going to get drunk and have sex in the back of the car, because then she’d never trust me.”

“Oh,” he says. “I didn’t think of that.” He’s quiet again for a while, then he again speaks out of the blue and startles me. “I just want her to s…stop treating me like a child.”

“Then you need to prove to her you can be a grown up.”

“How?”

“Well, you can start by not saying things like that to her.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry to me. You haven’t done anything to me to be sorry for.”

He thinks for a while. “I sh…should s…say sorry to S…S…Sara shouldn’t I?”

“I think it would be a step towards showing her you can take responsibility for your actions. That would be a good start.”

“I’m…I’m not really going to do that. You know. The th…things I said.”

“What? Not even the sex in the back of the car.” I test him by trying to sound disappointed, although the way it comes out it’s completely obvious I’m teasing.

Daniel laughs. “Not today.”

“Aww.” I mock pout but can’t maintain the expression, even a mock one in the glow of that twinkle in Daniel’s eyes.

And then the smile fades and Daniel turns his head to look out of the window.

“What’s the matter?”

“Mark and I did it in a car. I hated it. It hurt.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because he…he wanted to…and because…I thought I–I loved him.”

“You thought you loved him? What made you change your mind?”

“You did.”

“What do you mean, I did? What did I do?”

Daniel turns his head to look at me again. “Ye…esterday I re…realized I couldn’t have loved M…Mark, because I never…never felt for him the way I…that I….feel for you.”

I’m about to say something banal, when a shocking realisation hits me. Andy was exciting and my time with him was wild, and good in so many way. He opened my eyes to a lot of things and I thought I loved him, even to the point I’d rather die than live without him. My psychiatrist helped me see that what I felt for him wasn’t love but obsession, fed by Andy’s clever but malicious manipulation. Thanks to Andy I know what it’s like to not be in love. This…this is so different. Is this…? Could it possibly be…? Is this what it’s like to be in love? Really in love? This strange protectiveness and desire to cherish and care for him. Can you fall in love so quickly? Does love at first sight actually exist? I’ve never believed so.

“I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you, either.”

“Not even the other boy, the one you… the one who hurt you?”

“No, not even him. Especially not him.”

“Do you love me, Rayn?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean?” Daniel tilts his head to one side and frowns. He really doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. How do I explain this.

“I believe that part of being in love is being attracted to someone, and I’m definitely attracted to you. Very much. You’re beautiful and sweet and I love spending time with you.”

“But you…you don’t…love me.” He looks sad I hate myself.

“Another part, a big part, of being in love with someone, is knowing them well. Knowing their likes and dislikes, all those little habits that make them unique. It’s about learning their faults and loving them anyway, about knowing if you fit.”

“I don’t have any faults.” Daniel smiles at me and everything’s okay again.

“I’m sure you don’t but it’s going to take me time to find out.”

“I understand.” He pauses. “Rayn?”

“Yeah?”

“I do have faults. I have a lot of faults.”

“We all have faults.”

“I ha….ve more than m…most.”

“You have more everything than most. More beauty, more innocence, more honesty. You have no idea how special you are.”

Daniel sighs. “Yeah, I do. Everyone says how special I am.”

“Ah but there are so many different ways to be special and to me you’re special in a very different kind of way.”

“A good way?”

“An absolutely wonderful way.”

Daniel shines. There’s no other way to describe it. He literally lights up and shines. His beautiful hair turns to gold in the sun and his intensely blue eyes sparkle and glow. I can’t look at him. If I look at him, I won’t be able to look away and that would be a very bad idea when I’m driving.

“Rayn?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re special too.” Daniel’s hand lands gently on top of mine which I have a very bad habit of leaving on the gear stick when I’m driving. Damn that hand feels good. I glance down.

Daniel’s not a big person; not at all. He’s a good few inches shorter than me and a much more slender build. But his hand is bigger than mine, well longer. It’s slender and pale, like the rest of him, but he has very long fingers. Pianist’s hands my mother calls them, well hands like them. A sudden pang shoots through me as I realise it’s very likely my mother will never see Daniel’s hands, or any of him. That’s so sad.

“I like children,” Daniel says out of the blue.

“Oh. Do you?”

“Yes.”

“Any particular reason, or just because.”

“Children understand me. They don’t judge.”

What the hell am I supposed to say to that? “Not all adults judge.”

“That’s true. Can I tell you a secret?”

“You can tell me anything.”

“Most of the time I really don’t…don’t care. Sometimes when…when people are horrible, like…like that…woman yesterday, then I c…care. It hurts. But most…mostly it doesn’t…bother me. It bothers Sara, though. She gets…gets cross when…when people stare or say things.”

“What kind of things do they say?” I have to fight the urge to gawp at him. The things he’s describing are a different world to me, and not one I really want to explore.

“Oh… “C …can’t you keep him under con…trol? What’s wrong with…with him? Is he retarded? She gets re…really angry at that one.”

I feel physically sick. The thought of people saying those things to Daniel, that he has to hear them, makes me so mad. “What does she say when people say that to you?”

Daniel smiles and shrugs. “That I’m special.”

“And what about you? How do you feel about it?”

He shrugs again. “I don’t know. Most…mostly it doesn’t bother me. A lot of the time I don’t understand why…why they’re saying those th…things but as long as they…don’t hurt me or…or shout at me, I don’t mind. Most of them don’t me…mean any harm, and I am different. I’m not…not the same as everyone else. Something went wr…ong when I was born and I was bro…broken. There are things in…inside my head that don’t… join up.”

“You seem pretty joined up to me.”

Daniel chuckles, then sobers. “You haven’t seen yet, well not re…really, not the things that…make Sara mad. I hope you’ll still…still like me when you do.”

“There is absolutely nothing that can make me stop loving you.” Oops, that slipped out. I hope he didn’t hear, or didn’t notice.

“You love me?” Daniel beams at me. Well, there goes the hope he missed it.

“We’ve already gone over this, Daniel.”

He grins impishly. “You love me.”

“Daniel.”

“You love me. You love me. You love me.”

“Daniel. Stop it.”

“You love me.”

“You’re getting annoying.”

“You love me.”

“Daniel, stop. We’ve had this discussion and I don’t want you to have unrealistic expectations. I told you, I don’t love you, not yet and you don’t love me. What we have it attraction which might grow to me love, but it isn’t yet.”

“I do so love you.”

I have a feeling this argument could go round and round in circles for some times. “Alright. Whatever you say.”

“You love me too. You said so.”

“Sara was right. You are being difficult tonight.”

“I’m never difficult.”

“I disagree.”

Daniel grins and looks out of the window. “Where are we going?”

“The Capital Centre.”

“Oh wow, I love the Capital Centre. Where are we going to eat? Can we try the Japanese bar? I’ve never been there. Sara won’t take me but it looks a lot of fun. They have dishes going around and around and you pick them off. There are other places if you want but I’d really like to go there. I’ve looked through the window and they have bright pictures on the wall and—”

“Take a breath Daniel.” It’s the longest speech I’ve ever heard from Daniel with no hesitation at all and I’m delighted, but he’s said it all in one breath and my head’s spinning.

Daniel grins. “Can we?”

“Why not? I’ve never had Japanese.

“Yay. Thank you, Rayn. I love you.”

“I’m fast going off you.”

Daniel’s smile disappears instantly. “I told you so,” he says, sounding sad.

“Told me what?”

“That you wo…wouldn’t like…me when you s…saw what I’m really…like.”

“What, you mean really annoying?”

“Yes.” Daniel sighs. “I can’t help it.”

I realise, with a jolt, that he’s deadly serious. “I didn’t mean it when I said I was going off you. I was being sarcastic, teasing you.”

“I don’t understand sarcasm and teasing, Rayn,” Daniel says carefully and seriously, with such sadness in his voice. “I’ve tried but I…I don’t understand why someone would…would say things they don’t…mean. Especially hurtful ones.”

“Don’t you ever say things you don’t mean?”

“No.”

“Not ever?”

“No, not ever. Why would I?”

“Everyone says things they don’t mean sometimes.”

“I’m not everyone.”

“No, you’re not. There is no one else on earth like you and I’m so glad of that. I’m the luckiest person in the world to have met you.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

Daniel smiles impishly. “You love me.”

“Whatever.” I can’t help smiling, especially when I peep at Daniel and see the expression on his face.

“Do you think we’ll have children someday?”

Just when I think I’ve heard everything and have the situation under control, Daniel surprises me – again. Be cautious, Rayn, don’t say anything that might be construed as a promise.

“Umm. Can we just take it a day at a time. We’re a long way from that just yet.”

“Okay. I’ll wait until we’re married first.”

Hazarding a glance, I’m relieved to see the teasing smile on his face. “I thought you didn’t do teasing.”

“Oh… I understand teasing…when it isn’t sarcasm and lying.”

“I’ll remember that.”

When we get to the car park we have to go up to the fourth floor.

“Can I get the ticket?” Daniel asks excitedly. “Can I put the money in the machine?”

“Sure. Hang on, I’ll get you some change.”

“I can’t do it on my own, Rayn,” he says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“What do you mean? Why not? It’s only ten feet away.”

“No, not that.” He sighs and rolls his eyes. “I’m not very good with money.”

“Oh. Oh, I see. Okay then, we’ll both do it.”

“Yay,” Daniel gets out of the car and literally bounces up and down while he waits for me.

“Come on, Rayn.”

“Hang on. I’m getting change, out of the glove box.”

“Okay. Hurry up.”

When we get to the machine Daniel stands expectantly waiting for me to give him the money.

“So, how much do we need?”

“Well, I don’t know, do I?”

“Check on the board.”

“But I don’t know how.”

“Okay, break it down. What information does the list give?”

“Can’t you just give me the money?”

“I could, but it wouldn’t help you.”

“I don’t want you to help me, just give me the money.”

Daniel sounds almost upset, very winey.

“It’s cool, Daniel. Let’s work it out together. How long are we going to be here, do you think?”

Daniel, still frowning, thinks carefully and I can see his lips move as he thinks. “Five hours?” he offers.

“Sounds sensible. Do you see five in that column there? See? That’s the one that says how many hours.”

“I can read, Rayn. I just get confused when there’s lots of information.”

“So just look at the information you need. Just look for a five.”

Daniel studied the list, then points. “There. Five to eight.”

“That’s right. So, how much do we have to pay for five to eight?”

“I don’t know.”

“Put your finger on the five.”

Daniel’s getting interested now. “Sara doesn’t do this. She just gives me the money.” He isn’t complaining anymore.

“That’s why you can’t do it, because you’ve never been shown how.”

“No, it’s because I can’t pro…process complex…infor…mation.”

“That’s rubbish.”

“It’s what the doctors say.”

“But you read history books, text books, and remember facts. You do more than that, you think about it and understand it.”

“That’s different. That’s stories and I can… ‘see’ it. I can… understand stories, but I can’t cope where there’s… where there’s lots of different information in one place… and I have to choose.”

“Oh. Okay, but you can still find out how much we have to pay. Move your finger over into the next column.”

“I know that symbol, it means pounds, and that’s a six – so we need six pounds.”

“That’s right. Do you know money?”

“Kind of.”

“Show me.” I hold out my hand with a handful of change.

“That’s a pound. And that funny shaped one is a fifty pence… and that’s half. Those are twenties because that’s what you put in the bubble-gum machine, but I’m not sure what to do with them apart from that.”

“Well, we won’t need to worry about them today. Can you find six pounds?”

“Hmm.” Daniel pauses and carefully studies the coins in my hand. His lips move silently as he hesitantly selects four pound coins and two fifty pences, then looks at me expectantly.

“Check it,” I say and Daniel touches each coin individually. He pauses over the fifty pences.

By now, there are other people waiting for the machine. Two teenage girls snigger but Daniel doesn’t seem to notice, so I ignore them.

“Oh! Those two make one don’t they? I forgot.” He picks out another pound coin and beams. “Can I…? Can I put them in…now?”

“Go ahead.”

Excitedly, Daniel feeds coins into the machine, then pauses for a moment, his eyes scanning the machine. He presses a button and, when the ticket drops into the tray he snatches it in triumph and waves it at me.

“I did it, Rayn. I didn’t all by myself. Well…nearly.”

“You absolutely did.”

An elderly woman standing in the queue pats his arm. “Well done,” she says with a kind smile. Daniel beams at her.

“Sara, my sister, won’t let me do things. She says…she says I can’t, but, Rayn…. He’s Rayn. Rayn is going to teach me all kinds of new things. Aren’t you?”

“You betcha.”

Daniel, as spontaneous as ever, throws his arms around me. “You’re the best boyfriend ever. Can I...? Can I put the ticket…in the…car?”

“Sure you can. You put it on the dashboard at the front where everyone can see it.”

Daniel looks at me and says loftily. “I know that. I’m not completely retarded.”

“Don’t say that word.”

“Whatever.” Daniel rolls his eyes and trots off toward the car.

“You’ve got your hands full with that one,” the old woman says.

“Yeah, but he’s worth it. I’ll never get bored, that’s for sure.”

“Is he…always like this?” she asks. A diplomatic way of asking if he’s up to being a boyfriend, I’m sure.

“No. he’s excited today. You’d be surprised how bright and wise he can be. He just seems to have lost his filters – and his inhibitions.”

“All his inhibitions?” one of the teenagers asks, waggling her eyebrows at me.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” I say and they dissolve into fits of laughter.

At this point Daniel returns and looks at them with a bright smile. Then he looks at me.

“I couldn’t lo…lock the door, because you didn’t…give me the keys.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I fish my keys out of my pocket and hand them to him. “You point the black one at the car and press the red button. Do you think you can manage?”

Daniel sighs and rolls his eyes again. “I’m not a child.”

“Absolutely not.”

The teenagers watch him walk away, his hips swaying and a bounce in his steps.

“I wouldn’t mind losing my inhibitions with him,” one says.

The other one giggles. “Shame he doesn’t play for our team.”

“Maybe he would if we made him captain.”

There’s something strangely disturbing about the way the girls are speaking about Daniel and even more about the way they’re looking at him.

“That’s my boyfriend you’re talking about,” I say and I’m a little surprised by the edge in my voice. “The only team he’s playing for is mine.”

“Sorry,” they mumble, unrepentant. Then they giggle again.

I leave them behind and go to meet Daniel.

“What are they laughing at?” he asks a little too loudly. “Is it me?”

“They were just being silly girls.” I lean in close and whisper. “They were fancying you.”

Daniel’s eyes go wide and he looks back at the girls. “Oh, but they can’t,” he says. “No one can. Only you. Did you tell them? Shall I?”

“Don’t worry, I told them, but you can’t stop people liking the way you look. You’re a very sexy man.”

“I am?”

“Absolutely. They can look but they can’t touch, okay?”

“Of course. I’m all yours.” He flashes me a look that makes me tingle. “You can touch, though. Anywhere. Do you want to…to touch me now.”

“We don’t do things like that in public.”

Daniel’s eyes flick around. “There’s no…no one here.”

“No, Daniel.” Thankfully, we reach the stairwell and I’m presented with a distraction. “Lift or stairs?”

“Can I press buttons in the lift?”

“Of course.”

While Daniel presses the call button I feel a twinge of unease. I would have preferred the stairs. Oh well. I seem to have distracted him.

The lift arrives almost immediately, along with the woman from the ticket machine. Daniel seems disappointed, but I’m relieved. Being accosted in a lift might be some people’s dream but for me, right now, it’s a nightmare.

The looks Daniel gives me as the lift descends has me praying the woman doesn’t get out before we do. Fortunately we make it out of the car park without Daniel having a chance to lay a finger on me. As soon as we step into the sunshine he seems to forget his disappointment and grabs my hand, linking it with his own and swinging them between us as we walk.

Daniel’s excited by everything. He points things out constantly as we walk and doesn’t seem to have a volume control. Trying to ignore him is disastrous.

“Look, Rayn. Look at what they’ve done to the wall. It’s got words in it. Look. Rayn, look. Rayn. Look Rayn. Look. Over there. Look.”

“Alright, alright I’m looking. It looks great. Fabulous.”

Daniel grins and looks at me from under his lashes. “You’re just saying that. You want me to shut up.”

“No...oh. Well, not really. Just be a little…less…emphatic.”

Daniel pauses and thinks about it. Then he nods. “I’ll try.”

A few moments later we arrive at the doors to the centre and Daniel breaks away to open them and practically run through. “Come on, Rayn,” he calls. “Over here. Rayn, it’s over here. Oh.” He stops stock still and bites his lip. I can see the suppressed excitement spilling out of his eyes and it makes me smile.

“You can be excited, Daniel, just not so….”

“Emphatic?”

“Yeah. That’s the word.”

Without a sound, Daniel takes my hand and tows me over to a brightly lit shop. Inside I’m bombarded with colour, from the bright murals on the walls, to the array of food on a conveyor belt that circles the kitchen, which is in the middle of the room. Seating in on tall, plush benches at tables which radiate outwards like the spokes of a very large and oddly shaped wheel.

“Come on, let’s sit down.”

As we approach one of the tables, a waiter appears with a menu and a smile. He hands us a sheet of paper covered with little squares, each containing a picture of a bowl of food with the name of the dish underneath. The waiter explains that the sheet itemises the dishes that are travelling around the conveyor and the menu gives us extra options that will be made just for us. He shows us a button on the table which summons a waiter, takes our drink order and disappears. Daniel’s eyeing the button.

“Don’t press the button, Daniel.”

“Aw, please. Just one time. Can I press the button just one time?”

“When we need a waiter.”

Daniel glances at the conveyor, selects a dish and places it on the table in front of him. “I need help to know what this is.”

“It’s on the sheet in front of you.”

“I can’t read that.”

“What do you mean you can’t read it? You can read fine.”

Daniel shakes his head. “There’s too much.”

“You’re just saying that because you want to press the button.”

“No, honestly, Rayn. I can’t read that. There’s too much. My eyes get scrambled before they reach my brain.”

I stare at Daniel. He seems deadly serious. “Seriously? You can’t find the dish you have on the table in the pictures on the sheet?” He shakes his head. “Have you tried?” Daniel hangs his head and shakes it. “So give it a try. Maybe you can. You didn’t think you could do the money at the ticket machine, but you did.”

Daniel, still with his head hanging low, stares at the paper. I can see his eyes moving and the deepening frown on his face. Just as I decide to offer help, Daniel grabs the paper, tipping over the dish, balls it up and throws it across the room. “I can’t do it,” he yells at me. Every eye in the room is drawn to us but Daniel either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. “I t…told you. I c…can’t do it.”

“Alright, Daniel. It’s alright. You don’t have to. You tried. That’s all I’ll ever ask you do to. Just to try. It doesn’t matter if you can’t.”

“Yes, it does. I don’t…don’t li…like it. I don’t like…not…not…I hate not…being able to…to do thinks like…like nor…mal people.”

“What’s normal?” a voice says and we look up to see our smiling waiter, who puts down two glasses of Diet Coke. “Lots of people can’t get the hang of those.” He leans forward. “They all look the same to me. If you’re unsure of anything just press the button.”

“Rayn wo…won’t let me…press the button.”

“I guess Rayn thinks we might be too busy to keep running over here.” He shrugs. “But that’s what the button’s for. Besides…” he leans closer conspiratorially, “I like serving the cute customers.” He winks at Daniel and disappears.

“He…he said I’m cute,” Daniel says grinning at me. “Am I? Am I cute?”

“Very cute.”

“But…but you said…. You said I’m sexy.”

“You can be cute and sexy.”

“Can I?”

“For sure.”

“Can I press the button?”

I can’t help but roll my eyes. “Press the damn button.”