My Brother Daniel - 5. Chapter 5

When we’d all calmed down, Daniel and I went to get the picnic basket from the car and brought it back to share with the woman, whose name, we discovered, was Margaret. “Just call me Mags,” she’d said. While Daniel’s busy setting out the enormous amount of food on the table, Mags corners me in the tiny kitchen.

“Do you know if Daniel is getting counselling for what happened to him?”

“No, I… Oh. Yes, yes he is. He’s mentioned a psychologist.”

Mags looks relieved. “It might be worth mentioning to his sister – that’s who he lives with, right?” I nod. “It might be worth suggesting she arranges an appointment quite soon. Reliving something like this can be traumatic, as you know.” She gives me a sideways glance that makes my stomach queasy. How right she is. “It can be hard to handle the feelings that are thrown up, especially for someone like Daniel.”

“Yeah, I could see that might be bad for him.”

“Oh no, it won’t be bad for him. In fact, it might be very good, but he needs help to cope while he’s working through things. You’re going to have to speak to his sister about it anyway, because he’s going to need careful handling over the next couple of days.”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“You’re not sounding too keen on the prospect. Can I take is she’s not too crazy about you and Daniel?”

“She doesn’t know yet. Hell, we didn’t know until just now. She has warned me off him though. I think her words were something along the lines of cutting off my balls and ramming them down my throat.”

“Oh dear, that doesn’t sound like much fun.” Her demeanour changes and I only notice when I hear the careful note in her voice. “What about you?”

“Me? I don’t understand.”

“Do you have a therapist?”

“Oh. Not anymore. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” Will I? My words sound somewhat hollow even to myself.

“You should see someone, Rayn. You’ve been through trauma too.”

I attempt to smile but have no idea of its success. Mags face is unreadable. “I’ve spent more than enough time in ‘therapy’ thank you and have all the ‘skills I need to manage the situation’. I promise that if I feel the need to buy razor blades I’ll call someone.”

Mags is looking at me and I recognise the expression only too well. “Don’t look at me like that. You’re not my shrink and you’re not my therapist. No disrespect but you’re the last thing I need when you’ve got that expression on your face.”

She laughs. “What expression?”

“The ‘I’m just going to sit here and look at you until you crack and start talking’ expression.”

Mags laughs. “I didn’t even know I have that expression. I was trying for ‘caring and concerned’ while I wondered what the hell I can do to help you both.”

“Why do you want to help us?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re both such darlings.”

“Darlings?”

“Of course.” She pinches my cheek. “You’re both absolutely adorable, although I’m afraid I have to admit your Daniel is the total picture.”

“What do you mean?” I glance over my shoulder at Daniel. He’s intent in laying out food, moving things around on the table until they look right. The sun is shining through the window behind him and lighting his hair, making it look as if it’s made of gold. It falls forward as he leans over the table and almost brushes the table. It takes my breath away. “Yes. A picture.”

Daniel looks up and smiles at me. “Come, eat.”

****

After dinner, we wander back up the hill just in time for the fighting display. Warriors pose and strut then come together in a clash of swords and battering of shields. Daniel holds on to me tightly, almost bouncing up and down in excitement as we shout for Cadfael. Daniel is almost in tears when he falls and ‘dies’.

“It’s alright. It’s only pretend.”

“I know,” Daniel says, indignant that I would think otherwise. Then he squeals and grabs onto my arm, bruising the flesh, when the warriors clash their swords against their shields and rush the audience. He skips back a few places before they stop, behind the inner corded off area, a good ten feet away from us.

“Did you enjoy that?” I ask and Daniel looks at me with shining eyes, nodding vigorously. All signs of tears or distress have disappeared.

“Daniel.” We look up when someone calls his name. It’s Cadfael and he’s waving Daniel to come closer. There are already three children and an adult in the ring with the warriors. Daniel shoots me a look and I shrug. With a smile and a bounce in his step he joins his large friend in the ring. I notice the eyes that follow him. Damn that boy is something special. He’s grace in movement.

In the middle of the field the warriors are dressing the children and two adults in helmets and mail shirts. “Rayn,” Daniel yells, his voice surprisingly loud, carrying melodiously over the grass. “Take a picture.”

Fishing out my phone I take photograph after photograph as Daniel poses in his finery, a sword in his hand and a shield hanging off his arm. Cadfael produces a golden helmet from somewhere and places in on his head. He hands him a shining golden sword which Daniel brandishes as if it was made for his hand. In his other hand another warrior places a beautifully painted shield. From the fact it is free of dents and scratches, I assume it’s for display only.

The helmet and sword, blazing in the sun are nothing compared to the brightness of his hair which is heightened, not diminished by the burnished bronze.

“Look, Rayn,” Daniel yells. “I’m the leader. I’m the chief.”

“You sure are,” I yell back. “the best chief I’ve ever seen.”

Daniel hands the sword and shining helmet to Cadfael and someone else takes the shield. Still wearing the mail shirt he dances over the ropes and into my arms.

“Did you see me, Rayn? Did you? I’m a real Celtic warrior now, a chief – paint and all.”

“Rather smudged paint,” I say with a smile, tracing a swirl with my finger.

Daniel’s beautiful blue eyes are alight with excitement and his white teeth sparkle along the wide smile that’s plastered all over his face.

“Did you take photographs.”

“Lots. Do you want to see?”

“Yes. Yes.”

I take out my phone and show him the photographs. He’s delighted. “Can we show Sara?”

“Of course we can. Do you have a computer? I can send them to you.”

“Yes, I have a computer. Sara won’t let me use it very often.”

“Why not?”

“She’s afraid I’m going to be taken advantage of.” Daniel frowns darkly. “All I want to do is play games and look at pictures. I don’t know what she’s afraid of.” His sulky expression turns to one with an edge of wickedness. “I just wait until she goes out to look at porn.”

“What? You look at porn?”

“Of course I do. Gay porn. Men in cages, with whips and tied to—.” He stops and goes into peals of laughter, presumably at the expression on my face. I couldn’t be more shocked.

“I’m a grown up, Rayn. I’m not a virgin and I don’t get too much action so….”

“Really? You’re not kidding me?”

“Well, maybe about the whips and cages. I only saw that once and didn’t like it. I don’t like to be hurt and I don’t like to hurt anyone else.”

“You keep on surprising me, Daniel.”

“Is…is that good?”

“Yes. It’s good. It’s very good.”

Daniel beams and takes my hand. “I’d better give the shirt back. It’s heavy and the links stick in me.”

I let Daniel lead me back to the roundhouses. I don’t pay any attention to where we’re going, or what we’re doing. I’m barely aware of what’s going on around me, because it’s suddenly hit me. Since lunch, Daniel has been talking to me, really talking to me, without the hesitancy. He still speaks slowly, choosing his words carefully but they’re fluid and without the skips and pauses I’ve become used to. What the hell…?

While Daniel is divesting himself of his chain mail, which is surprisingly difficult to do, I take the opportunity of having a quick word with Mags.

“It’s possible the speech problems are psychological, arising from the incidents involving his father. If that’s the case, talking about it, and the fact that he feels very safe with you, might be beginning to break through the barriers. It’s a good sign but also a sigh that you need to be very careful.”

“What do you mean.”

“If what we talked about is having such a profound effect on him, there’s a possibility he might become swamped by the feelings it’s unlocked. He could crash at some point, and as he feels so safe with you he might become very clingy and distressed when you’re parted. You need to deal with that carefully. I really can’t stress enough how important it is for him to get to see his therapist as soon as possible.”

“I understand. I’ll speak to Sara.”

“Rayn.” Daniel’s call ends my brief discussion with Mags and he drags me off to see a cooking demonstration in one of the houses. He’s very disappointed we’re not allowed to eat any.

“It’s against health and safety rules, Daniel,” I explain.

“But it’s not going to poison me. Look, they’re eating it.” Two delightfully grubby children in iron age costume are munching on what looks almost like a burger made of minced beef, leek, spring onion and oats.

“They’re part of the group so they’re allowed.”

Daniel pouts until something else catches his interest, and like a butterfly his attention flits over to that. He forgets all about the food.

By the time we’re ready to leave both Daniel and I are exhausted. We say goodbye to Cadfael and Mags, and Daniel is delighted when he’s presented with an arrowhead and a reproduction penannular brooch, which he wears proudly.

Daniel’s feet drag on the trip down the hill. He perks up when we reach the bottom. “Come see if we can see the otter.”

“Daniel, can’t we just go home?” I beg, too tired to go searching for otters.

“Please, Rayn. Please can we.”

Of course, I give in. I have a feeling I’ll always give in to Daniel.

We don’t find the otter but we see a couple of fish which have Daniel bouncing up and down in delight. The sunlight is sparkling off the water and dappling the banks with dancing spots and patches of sunlight. It’s cool under the trees after the blazing heat on top of the hill and I find myself drowsing.

The next thing I know I start awake with Daniel shaking me. “Ssh,” he whispers. “Look.”

I turn my head and see it. Daniel’s otter playing in the water not twenty feet from us. “Isn’t it beautiful,” he breathes.

“Not at beautiful as you.” I pull him into my arms and hold him gently as we watch the otter play until a noisy party with a couple of kids passes on the path and frightens the otter away. Daniel sighs deeply and I turn my head to look at him. He looks so sad. “The otter will play somewhere else. Maybe we’ll come back one day and see it again.”

“Can we come back tomorrow?”

“Not tomorrow. It’s a long way.”

“Next weekend?” I look into his hopeful eyes and laugh.

“What if we go somewhere else next weekend?”

“Somewhere else? With roundhouses?”

“You’ve got a one track mind. Alright. I know somewhere else with roundhouses and I’ll take you next weekend.”

“Thank you Rayn. You’re so kind to me. I love you so much.” He throws his arms around me and squeezes me tight. I’m in shock. I have enough perspective to realise that when he says he loves me it’s not really in the way I’d like it, but listening to the words sends a shiver through me, and it’s a shiver of fear.

****

The journey home is very different to the first one. Daniel and I chat about all kinds of things. He still has a stammer and speaks carefully and thoughtfully, but he’s so much more fluent than he was before. I can’t believe how many things we have in common. There’s the love of history, of course, and an appreciation of experimental archaeology – that’s testing out archaeological theories by actually reconstructing them, like roundhouses. He’s reading for pleasure some of the academic works we’re studying on my course and has amazing insight into complicated theories, having an absolute gift for putting difficult things into simple terms. To Daniel they are simple. He likes logical things, things that make sense and he can wrap his mind around almost anything that has a logical progression. It’s almost impossible to believe, when talking to him about these things, to remember his problems. The mind is a very strange thing but I refuse to accept that Daniel’s is as defective as they think it is. Do they even know how brilliant he is?

When we arrive at Daniel’s house, we sit in the car, lost in our own silence and not wanting to move, to end our perfect day. I turn my head, as Daniel does the same. He seems sad.

“Do you have to go?”

“I’ll have to go sometime.”

“I know.” Daniel sighs. “But I’ve had such a good time.”

“We’ll have more good times, lots of them, We’re going out for the day again next week.”

“A week’s a l…long time, Rayn. Can’t we do…do something before? It doesn’t have to be for…for the whole day. You said you’d take me to the… cine…ma. Will you? Please. Please take me this…this wee…week.”

I can’t say no. I just can’t say no to him. “Alright.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Daniel, I…. Oh, alright. Tomorrow. But I’m working most of next week so after tomorrow you’ll have to wait until next Saturday.” Daniel pouting is cute as hell, but not as cute as Daniel giving me the amazing smile he flashes at me right now.

“I know, Rayn,” he says. “Ta…ta…taking it’s…slow. It…it’s just….” He gives me an odd look. “Be…being with you m…make me feel…safe, and…and I feel. You make me feel…funny inside.”

“What do you mean ‘funny’?”

“Squirmy and fluttery. I felt like this with Mark, too, in the beginning, but you…you make me feel sa…safe. I know you won’t hu…hurt…me. I know you’ll ta…take care of me.”

“Always. I promise.”

Daniel beams, then his expression softens. “One kiss, Rayn? Just one?”

I glance around nervously. The last thing I need is for Sara to catch us kissing. It’s going to be hard enough to explain as it is. I suppress a groan as I realise exactly what situation I’ve got myself into. But Daniel’s looking at me with that soft look in his eyes and his lips are plump and soft and – I don’t even realise I’m doing it until our lips meet and a jolt of electricity passes through me. Daniel sighs and my body responds with a need I desperately suppress. Breaking away, gasping, I look into Daniel’s wide eyes and shiver.

“Are you going now?” he asks, regret in his tone.

“Not quite. I need to talk to Sara.”

Daniel’s eyes widen and a look of fear creeps in. “A…about what?”

“Us.”

He looks even more scared. “She…she…she’ll b…be cr…cr…cross.”

“Not as cross as if we don’t tell her and she finds out later on.”

Daniel thinks for a few moments, then he nods. “Yes,” is all he says, then gets out of the car. I pause for a moment and take a break. When I get out Daniel’s patiently waiting at the back. For a moment I wonder why, lost in his beauty, then I remember he’s waiting for the picnic basket. By the time we get it out, Sara is on the doorstep, her face like thunder.

“Take the basket to the kitchen,” she says to Daniel. “I want to speak to Rayn.”

“No,” he says.

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

Daniel just his chin. “I kn…know what you’re going to say. If you…you’re going to say it to Rayn, you have…have to say it to…to me too. I kissed him, Sara. I did. Not him.”

“He didn’t exactly fight you off, did he?”

“How do you know?”

“I was watching through the window.”

My heart plummets, and sinks even lower at Daniel’s next words.

“As if that was the only kiss. When…when we kissed in the…in the field, Rayn was s…scared to but…but I wasn’t. I know what I want and I don’t care ab…about you. Rayn’s my…boyfriend now.”

For a moment Sara simply stares at Daniel, then at me, too stunned to speak. Then she scowls. “Take the basket to the kitchen.”

“No.”

“It’s okay, Daniel,” I say, not liking the way the brother and sister are looking at each other. “I need to speak to Sara. Please.”

Daniel stares for a moment, then shocks me by kissing my cheek. “I’ll do it for you. Just for you.” He grabs the basket and disappears into the kitchen.

As soon as the door closes, Sara rounds on me. “I knew it. I knew I couldn’t trust you. How dare you do this to me.”

“To you? I took care of him, Sara. I brought him home safe.”

“Safe? You promised you wouldn’t touch him. You promised you wouldn’t take advantage of him. You promised –.”

“Some promises just can’t be kept, Sara. I had no idea how amazing he is. I wasn’t expecting him to be so bright, so intelligent and wise. This isn’t what you think. I have strong feelings for your brother. I want to take care of him, protect him from everything. All I want is a chance to really get to know him. I’ve told him I want to do this properly, slowly.”

“You don’t understand,” she says eventually, after staring at me for a while. “You don’t understand anything.”

“You’d be surprised what I understand.”

“Go on then,” she snaps, “surprise me.”

“Daniel has a lot of love inside him and he gives it freely. He falls in love very easily and gives his whole self, no holding back, which makes him very vulnerable. On one level he trusts very easily, on another he doesn’t trust at all. That’s why I want to take it slowly.

“I also understand that he’s been hurt – badly, and he was deeply affected by it. I understand that only too well. I’ve been through it too. The difference is that it broke me, but it hasn’t broken Daniel.

“I swear to you, Sara, I will never hurt Daniel, never.”

“Not deliberately. But what happens if it doesn’t work out? If you leave him it will destroy him.”

“I’m not going to leave him.”

“You can’t say that. Not now. Not yet.”

“So are you going to keep him locked in a tower? All that love wasted? Dying from the inside out? Are you going to deny him love because it might not last? No one can know, Sara. No one can ever know at the beginning if it’s going to work out, but I really want to give it a chance. I truly can’t see myself ever not wanting to be with Daniel.”

“What about when you find out all the things he can’t do, how it limits your life? What when you get frustrated with him? Angry?”

“I’ll never hurt him, Sara. I keep on saying it and I mean it. I will never raise a hand to him and I will never hurt him, not like your father did.”

She freezes. “What? What are you talking about?”

“I know what happened. Daniel told me.”

“Daniel couldn’t have told you. He doesn’t know what happened and he’s never talked about it – ever. Not even to – ever.”

“He talked about it to me – how your father got frustrated with his limitations. He was away at school and one time when he was home your father got angry with him and hit him. I’m assuming he caused quite serious head injuries.”

Sara is gaping at me. She nods slowly. “He…he was in a coma for three weeks. We thought we were going to lose him. He was…ten. I was fourteen.”

“Your father went to prison?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know he thinks your mother hates him because he made your father go away?”

“No. God no she doesn’t. No one’s ever said anything like that to him.”

“He told me that, too – that no one’s told him – but he still believes it.

“But why? Why did he tell you all that? He’s never told anyone.”

“Because he trusts me. Because he knew I’d understand. Because I told him about myself, showed him everyone has their own problems.

“What problems?” she snaps.

I’m scared, really scared, but I have the feeling only complete honesty will be good enough – for her, and for Daniel. Taking a deep breath, I slide up my sleeve and show her something I’ve kept hidden from everyone but my psychiatrist for almost a year.

The scars aren’t too bad really. They could have been a lot worse. I had a good surgeon.

“I was betrayed by a complete bastard, too. He outed me to my parents and they threw me out of my home. I was rejected by everyone – my family, my friends. I know what it’s like, Sara, and I swear I will never make Daniel feel the way I felt back then.”

Sara is speechless. She stares at me with my mouth open. “I think you’d better go,” she says at last. “I need to think.”

“Fair enough. I’m taking Daniel to the cinema tomorrow night. We’ll go out for dinner first so I’ll pick him up about five.” Sara nods. “Oh, while I remember. When Daniel was telling me about all those things, one of the re-enactors was there. She’s a psychologist and she said it would be a good idea to make an appointment with a therapist because there’s likely to be some kind of fall out.”

Sara nods. “I’ll think about it.”

“He was pretty upset, Sara.”

“I said I’ll think about it.”

“Fair enough.”

Even before I turn towards the front door, Daniel flies through the kitchen door and if I hadn’t held out my arms and caught him he would have knocked me over.

“You were listening,” Sara says accusingly.

“Of course I was. If you had shouted at Rayn I…I would have saved him.”

“My hero,” I joke and he grins.

“Always.” The grin disappears. “I know people think of me as a child but I…I’m not. I’m really not. I’d fight for you. I’d fight anyone and anything for you. I…I kn…know I’m not very brave sometimes, but I can be. For you I can be.”

“I know you can. You were very brave with that horrible woman.”

Daniel scowls. “That wasn’t brave. She was wrong. She shouldn’t have hit the little boy. She shouldn’t have hit him on the head.”

“No, she shouldn’t have. That’s very wrong and children never deserve to be hit, never, no matter what they do. Children are precious. They should be taken care of and cherished. Kind of like I’m going to take care of and cherish you.”

Daniel smiles again, his shy smile, and ducks his head, looking up at me through his hair. “I’m going to take care of you, too. At…at least I’ll m…make sure you won’t s…starve. I make great sandwiches.”

“Well, I can’t let you starve either, so I’m going to take you to dinner tomorrow before the cinema. Be ready by five.”

“Okay.” He’s bright and sunny again. Before he lets me go, he kisses me. It’s a brief, bright, kiss but it has me tingling all the way home.

I’m in the bath when the phone rings. My phone never rings, not anymore, and I rush to answer it. In my haste I slip and bang my knee and I’m cursing by the time I get out to the living room. I curse even more when the ringing stops as soon as I pick up the phone. The number is unfamiliar, but local, so I ring back.

The voice that says ‘Hello’ is kind of familiar but I can’t quite place it, not from just ‘Hello’.

“Oh hi. It’s Rayn. I’m sorry I don’t know who this is. I don’t recognize your number.”

“it’s Sara.”

“Oh.” My heart flips and my stomach turns over. “is Daniel alright?”

“Daniel’s fine. Better than fine. It’ been a long time since I’ve seen him this happy.”

“Oh. Well, good.”

“I’ve been talking to my mother about you.”

“Oh? Umm…and?” It hits me that I’m standing, naked and dripping, in my living room. I blush which is ridiculous because neither Daniel nor his mother can see me.

“We’ve decided it’s okay for you to see Daniel as long as you play it cool for a while.”

My first reaction is a flash of anger. How dare she think she has the right to give me permission. However, I bat it down. When things are going well, just accept and move on.

“Thank you.” What else can I say.? I’m only glad I manage to keep the anger and frustration out of my voice.

“I’m warning you, Rayn. You’re not to lead him on and you’re definitely not to have sex with him. He’s not ready for that.”

“Do you really think he’s a virgin? He was ready for it with Mark, Sara.”

“What? Is that what he told you? He was fantasizing, Rayn. He never had sex with Mark, never.”

“Maybe you should talk to him about that, but you’re not going to tell me who I can and can’t have sex with and when. If I want it and Daniel wants it I’m not going to say no because of you. However, you don’t have anything to worry about because I’m the one who told him we have to take it slow. I have absolutely no intention of taking advantage of him.”

“I…well…okay. See that you don’t. I…um…I talked to Daniel about… what happened. He was very upset.”

“I’m sorry. I….” My heart is breaking. I made my Daniel cry. I sit down suddenly, the world that had been bright around me, turns bleak.

“No. No, don’t be. The thing is, I…I talked to Daniel. I haven’t had a proper talk with him in…years. It was… it was after what happened that he stopped talking. For a while he didn’t talk at all and then…when he started to talk again it was in that way he has. Now…. It seems that whatever happened today has unlocked something and he’s talking more fluently again. He remembers more than I would ever have imagined. I wanted… I wanted to thank you . We’ve got a lot to thank you for.”

It’s a lot to take in, a lot to process, so I do what I always do when faced with strong emotion I can’t handle – I resort to humour.

“But if I hurt your brother you’ll cut off my balls and ram them down my throat.”

“Something like that.” she sounds relieved. So am I.

I sit for a long time after the call ends. I think it’s finally hit me how much of a responsibility I’m taking on. Am I doing the right thing? Daniel deserves the best. Does that mean someone better than me? I’m broken. I know I am. Andy did that. Part of the reason I want to go slow is because I don’t know if, when the time comes, I’ll be able to go at all. I think part of me hasn’t been looking at Daniel as a sexual being at all. And what if I can’t give him what he wants, what he needs? Will he leave me? I’ve only known him for a day but already a world without Daniel seems unbearable.