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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

2011 - Fall - Legends Entry

Vitality - 1. Chapter 1

 

“This is Dr. Ricky Santino it's 0100 hours and day twelve of weapons testing on new Phoenix technology. Tested today was the vitality pill and accelerator suits.” The man in his thirties reports in front of his web cam. “Accelerator suits are still in the early prototype stage a lot of bugs that make the suit slow down. However, the vitality pill is nearly there, if only I can find some way to decrease the side effects then I would feel much more safer to release them for military field testing. In the meantime this is Dr. Ricky Santino, signing off” Dr. Santino shuts off the web cam and starts saving files to his hard drive.

 

When an older man in his mid-forties dressed in full military uniform walks into his office, “Dr. Santino nice demonstration today on those pills you've concocted I hope to see them in field action soon.”

 

“Ah, Colonel Washburn the pills aren't ready to be taken to the next level.” he says sitting down in his chair. “The side effects are just too vast and too risky to be taken out into the field.”

 

“You worry too much Ricky. It'll be fine in the field so it comes with some minor setbacks. We can work around them. I want these pills to be prepped to be tested out in the field by 1400 hours” Colonel Washburn storms out of the office.

 

***

 

A lady in her mid thirties walks into a coffee shop her hazel eyes shifting around the buzzing shop nervously. She notices a man signal her over in the back corner she takes a deep breath and makes her way over to the table where the man is sitting accompanied by a woman. She takes a seat cautiously, “Mr. Patton?” she asks the man sitting down in a three piece suit and black fedora hat.

 

He nods, “Yes, but you can call me Blake. And this is my associate here Jeanette she handles my security.” The women greet each other with a nod. “Mrs. Santino would like some coffee or maybe something stronger?” he asks

 

“Yes please, a caramel macchiato please.” she responds still glancing around the room. Checking to make sure she wasnt followed by anyone. Blake nods to Jeanette and she gets up to get her coffee.

 

“So, Mrs. Santino tell me why you need my teams help.” he asks with a weak smile.

 

“Well, you see its my husband Richard Santino...” she started continuously checking around to make sure no ears were listening in. “he works for Phoenix Industries, and recently he's been working on some new technology that a lot of people are trying to get there hands on”

 

“And you think some has abducted him for this” Blake responded

 

“Well you see its a little bit more than that. Companies and countries have been trying to buy him out of Phoenix for years, but he keeps declining. And this new technology has just made it worst and now the Military even wants to get there hands on the new tech” she continued as Jeanette comes back with Mrs. Santino coffee she thanks her.

 

“Well, Mrs. Santino this isnt really my teams area of expertise.” Blake frowned at the lady

 

“Mr. Patton” she says desperately

 

“Blake, please” he responds

 

“Blake, he's been missing for over 48 hrs. along with his technology that he had left at the lab.” she responded as she took a sip of her coffee. “And, today someone pulled up at our house this morning, telling me I had to give up whatever documents he had on the technology because its now military property.”

 

“Wait, I thought you said he hadn't sold this technology to anyone, yet” Blake replied

 

“He hasn't. But, the military has been one of the biggest supporters of this product and the frontrunners to purchase it, but my husband hasn't quite worked out the kinks of the technology and some of the military has been pushing him to get it out into the field.” she sighed

 

“What technology is her working on Mrs. Santino?” Jeanette asks as she eyes to big guys walk into the coffee shop suspiciously.

 

“From what hes told me its a pill that can cure almost anything including someone on their death bed. He called it Vitality.” she replied

 

“Ah, so I see why the so many people would pursue such a product and why the military would be after it as well.” Blake replied

 

“And these guys that showed up at your house. Were they big guys in suits and earplugs.”she asked

 

“Why yes, how'd you know?” she asked

 

Jeanette leaned over to Blake in whispered, “It's definitely military guys, I think a few just walked in they probably already broke into the house to try and locate the documents.”

 

“Alright, Mrs. Santino I think my team and I can help you. I'll have Jeanette here walk you out to your car, and will keep you posted.” Blake smiled attempting to reassure her.

 

She nodded and the two started to make there way to the exit. As they left the coffee shop the two men that walked in followed them out. Jeanette calmly asked Mrs. Santino if the men walking behind them looked familiar with a slight look back she nodded yes. Jeanette notified Mrs. Santino to get in her car and go straight home. Jeanette then stopped as Mrs. Santino continued towards her car as the men got closer to Jeanette she quickly dropped down into a crouch and swung her leg around in a clockwise motion knocking one of the men off his feet and throw a punch at his head. While, the other man went to kick her she blocked it and punched the man in the groin sending him to his knees and hit him with a knee to the head. With both men knocked out Blake wasn't far behind the scene of the action.

 

“Nice work, Jeanette” he said “Now lets gather the team together” She nodded

 

***

 

Walking into a nice spacious loft the team gathers together in a mini conference room with a wall full of flat screen TV monitors everyone takes a seat at the black conference table sitting in front of the wall. “Alright, Blake I hope whatever job this is worth us coming out of vacation.” a tall man in his early twenties asks.

 

“Yes, Darwin I think this is a good case for us to take.” he replied grasping Darwin's shoulder. “Now, tell me what intel have you gathered so far on Phoenix Industries.”

 

“Alright so Phoenix Industries is a weapons company that designs weapons that can revolutionize the way wars are fought and won. Based on what they've produced in the past if you take Marvel's Stark Industries that's pretty much what this corporations motive. The head of the company is a Colonel Washburn a former vet who has ties to a lot of head officials in Washington and leaders around the world.” Darwin started saying going through his iPad going through his presentation.

 

“So, that would explain the military would be so hard fought after this technology. And, claim it as there own property. What else you got?” Blake asked

 

“Well, it seems the old Colonel here also has a bit of a past of dealing some weapons to some of enemies of the state. Including countries such as Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Ukraine, Russia, Nigeria and the list goes on. And it seems the military says nothing to them because he keeps them on the payroll and first look at the weapon tech that they develop.” Darwin continues

 

“So the question still remains if there holding Dr. Santino then where would they be holding him?” a woman sitting elegantly in her chair a nice satin black dress asks.

 

“Well, I did a little bit of digging but Phoenix has a testing compound in Colorado hidden off in the Rockies. It's where they do a lot more advanced testing on new weapon tech.” Darwin replied “Oh, whoa now! It seems if Washburn and his men did abduct Dr. Santino then they had a reason of urgency to, he's sent a mass email out to potential buyers saying that the pills are almost ready and he's even sent some special invitations to some of the more wealthy buyers.”

 

“Okay, so we have motive. But where would they keep the pills and whats the way in?” a man in his late teens asks sitting in a slouched posture laid back in his chair.

 

Blake leans back in his seat and ponders for a few seconds, “Hmmm, Darwin see if you can find a blueprint of that compound in the Rockies. Miranda we need to get on that list for the demonstration.” he says looking at the elegant woman sitting in the chair. Jeanette and Davenport I want you guys to do a sweep of the location both here in Denver and the compound.” he says as his phone starts to ring in his pants pocket.

 

“Mr. Patton” the shaky voice squeaks on the phone

 

“Mrs. Santino? Whats wrong?” he asks her hearing the fear in her voice. He puts her on speaker.

 

“Some more men stopped by again. They said I had something that belonged to them. My husbands journal with all the notes of the pills. And whats worst when I got home my house was practically turned upside down.” she said almost in tears.

 

Jeanette steps up to the phone, “Mrs. Santino the men that were there can you describe anything about them. Clothes? Physical attributes? Anything?”

 

“They weren't the same men from the coffee shop. They were in suits and had briefcases. And they said they'd bring the police next time.” she sighed trying to calm herself

 

Jeanette looked at the rest of the team, “Lawyers. Definitely lawyers. Alright Mrs. Santino sit tight I'm on my way over to you now.” she replied grabbing her coat.

 

***

 

Davenport a man in his late teens gets out of a Jeep across the street from a large multi story white limestone building. He surveys the front checking out all the windows and the main entrance. The entrance to the building read Phoenix Corporations on the glass doors which only opened with badged access. He quickly started to make his way around the building surveying any quick entrances or exits.

 

A voice comes in through his earpiece, “Davenport what've you gathered so far?” the voice asked

 

“Hah, well this place is locked down tight. So far i've gathered is the only way in is with a company badge. The closest ventilation system is up about three strories and the building but I'm gonna also guess this building has roof access as well.” Davenport replied hearing an helicopter hover above the building.

 

“How do you figure that?”

 

“I'm looking at a helicopter landing on the roof now.” Davenport stated as he continued his sweep of the building.

 

“Ah ok. Great work Davenport, lets all regroup back at hq to find our way in” Blake replied

 

Davenport not really paying any mind to that last remark by Blake notices a small group of college students headed into the building. “Blake, are you still with Mrs. Santino?” he asks throwing on a short sleeve button up shirt from his jeep.

 

“Yeah, we're just about to leave. Whats up?” Blake asks

 

“I found a way into the building...”

 

“Ok, well before you go rushing off into the building lets devise a plan first and then lets figure away get in.” Blake replied

 

***

 

Back at the loft the team gathers together at a long wooden dinner table trying to find someway into Phoenix undetected. Darwin busy hacking through Phoenix Industries and Washburn's emails. While Darwin and Jeanette going over the blueprints to the compound and Phoenix. And Miranda and Blake trying to figure out what the Washburn is strenuously searching for from Dr. Santino.

 

“Ok, now guys I think I got something. I just hacked through Washburns email and i've uncovered the guest list for this private viewing in the Rockies. And this list is pretty exclusive it includes some major figure heads from all over the world including some noticeable terrorists.” Darwin replies skimming the email and guest list from his iPad.

 

“Ok, ok this is great!” Blake says getting out of his seat. “Ok, Davenport tommorow I need you to get into Phoenix Industries and into Dr. Santino's office to find this journal or something that could let us know if he's still alive. Jeanette I need you to go back to the Santino's and find out if Mrs. Santino knows anything about this journal Washburn's looking for. Miranda, I need you to get us on this guest list.” Blake replied pouring himself a shot of brandy.

 

The next morning started with the plan going in full swing, Darwin was sitting outside Phoenix Industries about to venture his way in. Jeanette was at the Santino's with the Mrs. and Miranda on her way to meet Washburn.

 

Outside Phoenix Industries Davenport quickly hops out of his Jeep to rendezvous with the rest of the interns to get into the building. As he crosses through the glass doors he and the rest of the group pick up there intern badges and proceed through the lobby and down the west hallway, Davenport followed behind down the hallway for a distance and then disappearing in one of the staircases. “Ok, I'm in.” he said heading up the steps.

 

“Ok, great work Davenport. Miranda that puts you up next.” Blake replied

 

Miranda walks up to the building wearing a gold dress with a knee high hemline and black Louboutin heels. Before she taps on the glass doors she asks in her ear bud, “Darwin you have me on their appointment list for today, right?”

 

“Yeah, just finished it up took a little time to hack into database but your in.” Darwin replied checking the security cameras in the building to make sure they haven't detected Davenport yet.

 

Miranda presses the call button on the door. One of the guards answers, “Can I help you?”

 

“Yes, Amelie Granger I have an 11am appointment with the Colonel” she replies with a smile looking at the man through the glass doors. After a few seconds the glass doors automatically slide open for her. As she makes her way in the guard tells her that Colonel Washburn's assistant would be down to get her shortly and for her to have a seat. “I'm in” she whispers through the earpiece.

 

“Excellent work. Ok, Davenport have you located Dr. Santino's office yet?” Blake asks

 

“Right around the corner from it” he replies as he reaches a large office he opens the door and slips inside quickly not being noticed. “Ok, I'm in the office.”

 

***

 

Jeanette sits down with Mrs. Santino at her kitchen. Mrs. Santino still a little shook up about the series of events that have happened recently. As she sips her coffee Jeanette speaks up, “Mrs. Santino this journal that Washburn's after do you know why he needs it?”

 

Mrs. Santino sits down her cup of coffee and sighs, “My husband knew what the Colonel was up to at Phoenix throwing his private auctions to terrorists and other countries to sell the weapon tech to the highest bidder. But, with these pills my husband knew he couldn't let these get into the hands of the Colonel and be sold to the highest bidder, there was too much at stake if gotten into the wrong hands.”

 

“So your husband was never gonna give up the pills to the Colonel in the first place. So do you know whats in this journal or where it might be?” she continued

 

Mrs. Santino nodded and got up from the kitchen and signaled Jeanette to follow her, they came up to what looked like a regular bookshelf filled with books and various encyclopedias. Mrs. Santino then pulled out one of the shelves that held a small journal. “This is the journal that contained all the notes he took at work on the pills”

 

As Jeanette skims through the journal she comes across some astonishing notes. “Blake you gotta see this...” she states wide eyed looking down at the pages

 

***

 

Colonel Washburn's assistant introduces Miranda to the Colonel, “Colonel Washburn, Amelie Granger is here to see you now” he said showing Miranda into the large spacious office. She gives the office a quick once over noticing a few medals and pictures scattered around the office.

 

“So, Mrs. Granger I'm afraid I don't know you or why you have called for an appointment” Colonel says checking out the woman.

 

Miranda smiles, “Well Colonel, I believe the question is what can I do for you? You see word on the underground is your selling a new product on the black market. My client and I want in on this auction.” she replied taking a seat in front of the Colonels desk.

 

“And your client is...” Colonel Washburn asks

 

“My client is Macus Worthington III, a wealthy arms dealer by way of Canada” she replied

 

“Well, now that I know who your client is, how is it you guys can help me?” he asks with a smirk

 

“Well I've also heard you've been in search of a journal from your missing scientist. What if I told you my client and I have come into possession of it.” she replied

 

“You have the journal? And how does a Canadian come across US Military research.” he questions her raising an eyebrow.

 

“The question Colonel isnt simply how we got it, the question is how much do you want for it. My client is willing to give you this journal on an invitation to this auction of yours.” she replied

 

“Done, i'll have my assistant get in touch with you and your client. Oh, and also theres a buy in fee of one million dollars.” the Colonel replied getting out of his seat to show Mrs. Granger out of his office.

 

As they both reach the door of Colonel's office Miranda turns around and looks the Colonel in the eye, “I think the journal can cover the buy in fee” she smiles taps his shoulder and heads down the hallway.

 

Back at Dr. Santino's office, Davenport finishes up his sweep of the office, “Davenport, get outta there quick man security is doing a floor sweep they'll be at that room in ten seconds” Darwin tells Davenport from the earpiece

 

“Ok, almost there almost done with the download on the computer” he says as he opens a drawer that contains a black leather book with no title or inclination of what it is. He quickly pockets it and heres the click of the computer signaling the download complete he quickly grabs it.

 

“Davenport there right outside the door, theres an airduct right above you” Darwin says alerting Davenport

 

“Thanks” Davenport says as he quickly shimmy's his way up the air duct and into the vents. As he maneuvers his way around the ventilation system he finally reaches the air duct by the elevators and hops down. He hits the elevator call button and is greeted by Miranda waiting for him on the elevator.

 

***

 

Back at the team's loft the group looks over the intel they gathered today between the journal and the files picked up today, the team knew they had to stop these pills from getting sold from anyone. As the team gathers in the conference room watching the Colonels finances.

 

“Looks like we got a confirmation email to the auction. And the Colonel is gonna want that journal too and we have to buy in.” Darwin replied putting the email up on the screen.

 

“This is great. When we send him the buy in money Darwin you can follow the money to the account and we got him.” Blake replied taking a sip of his bourbon “Also, Darwin I need you to forge a journal a replica of the one Jeanette brought back from the Santino's”

 

“You want me to forge an entire military research journal in a day!” Darwin exclaimed and sighed “Alright, Blake i'll get it done”

 

“Blake, you do realize this pill what harm it can do to the world in its current condition.” Miranda said reading over the journal entries. “Necromancy isn't something the Colonel should be messing with, if gotten into the wrong hands it could...”

 

“Start the Zombie apocalypse, I know. This is why we need to take down this guy. Based on the information we have we can take him down, now we just have to get the pills and get Dr. Santino.” Blake replied

 

“How do you figure he's still alive?” Davenport asks looking over the blueprint for the compound.

 

“Well, the Colonel needs him? Dr. Santino is the only one thats been working with these pills. My guess is that he'll be selling him and the pills together.” Blake starts “Think about it, not only will the buyer have the pills but they'll also have the creator at there disposal.”

 

“Looking over the blueprint for the compound I think they would be holding Dr. Santino in the lower levels they seem to have individual holding rooms down there.” Davenport said pointing it out “Now, the pills well I'm taking a hunch but theres this room here thats unnamed but by the looks of it looks like where they hold most of there technology to be tested and stored.”

 

***

 

As the team arrives at the compound for the auction, they split up in there perspective areas. Darwin stays back in a van keeping an eye on everything inside the building. While Jeanette goes on a search for Dr. Santino and Davenport on a search for the pills. While, Blake and Miranda would be amongst the other guests.

 

As Blake and Miranda stepped out of there escorted ride they were immediately greeted by Colonel Washburn and his assistant. “Ah, Colonel! I'd like to introduce you to Macus Worthington III” she smiled.

 

The two both shook hands and Colonel smiled, “I trust the buy in money made it into my account”

 

“Why, yes it should be going through now.” Blake stated waiting for confirmation from the Colonel's assistant.The assistant checked the iPad he was holding and looked to the Colonel and nodded.

 

“Now then, lets have a drink and talk about this journal.” Colonel said ushering the two inside the compound. As they walked inside they were ushered into a small office. “Do you have the journal?”

 

“Yes, we do. You'll see that everything is intact with the journal” Blake said as the Colonel quickly sifts throw it. Colonel hands it to his assistant who quickly makes off with it. “So the pills I trust there locked away safely?” Blake asks

 

The Colonel nods, “Of course I have it safe and secure in a burn room.”

 

Leaving the office the two leave the Colonel and mingle around the guests in the room before the auction starts. The more Blake and Miranda mingled around the more they realized that a lot of known terrorists had attended as well as arms dealers, mob bosses and dirty politicians. Standing off in the corner Miranda speaks into the earpiece, “Davenport, have you located the room yet?” she asks

 

Davenport outside scaling the building, “I'm getting in the compound now” he replied as he slipped inside a cut window. “Ok, I'm in! Darwin have you hacked into the secuirty system”

 

“Yeah, wasnt that hard either you would think it being Military compound they'd have beefier security but nah this was as easy hacking someones twitter account.” Darwin replied

 

Back in the hall the Colonel address' the group of people there for the auction. “Ladies and Gentlemen, the auction shall commence in a few minutes. If you all could take your seats.”

 

As Blake and Miranda meet back up again Blake speaks, “Jeanette hows it goin down there?”

 

“I'm in the lower levels Blake, but theres no sign of Dr. Santino down here anyway. Wait! I see a couple of guards. If he's down here, I'm sure they have him under guard watch” Jeanette replied peeking around the corner of the lower levels to see three male guards armed standing around watching one cell.

 

As Blake and Miranda took there seats the auction started to begin, with Colonel's products selling pretty quickly. “I hope you guys are getting closer to your targets. This auctions going pretty fast here.” he whispered making it look like he was talking to Miranda.

 

Jeanette walks around the corner towards the guards she smiles innocently, “Excuse me, ma'am your not supposed to be down here.” One of the guards exclaimed

 

“I'm sorry it seems I got a little turned around looking for the restroom.” she replied

 

“I'll have one of the guys here escort you back up” the guard replied putting his hand on her shoulder and in that same instant she spun around grabbing the guards wrist and pulling him towards her and kneeing him in the gut and flipping him down to the floor. The next guard pulled the gun out of his holster and aimed to fire when Jeanette dropped down and swept up his feet from under him with spinning roundhouse kick. She stood up and turned around to the last guard to be met with a fist to the face and kick to the gut. Falling to her knees she notices the pistol laying next to her she picks it up and lifts herself to her feet to pistol whip the guard in the face and then kicking his left knee out.

 

Davenport finally reached the room which held the burn room, “Darwin can you get me in this room or do I have to break in myself” he cooed putting down his black bag that was on his back. Unzipping it he pulled out a harness and as Darwin unlocked the door he shot a grappling hook at the top of the ceiling of the burn room. He took a couple steps into the room pressed a button on his belt and started raising himself up so he wouldnt disrupt the floor sensors. Right in the center of the room Davenport noticed some glowing blue pills sitting on a pillar sealed in by a bulletproof glass.

 

“Ok, guys I'm in. I'll have the pills shortly.” he said into the earpiece as he pulls out a glass cutter to try and get through the barrier.

 

“Now, for the product that many of you gathered here today for. The vitality pills, these little blue pills, not to be mistaken with viagra, can cure virtually anything even a person from there death bed. Whoever purchases these pills tonite would be the only ones in the world with this kind of technology. We will start the bidding at ten million” the auctioneer announces as the bidding starts hands go up quickly one after the other. Blake and Miranda look at each other and nod s Miranda gets up and leaves the room and Blake leaves not long after.

 

Jeanette fumbles around with keys to the holding cell where Dr. Santino sits finally she gets the cell unlocked and runs to Dr. Santino's aide, “Dr. Santino?” she calls she looks at the man as he flutters his eyes open and nods. “I'm Jeanette, I'm gonna get you outta here” she added helping him to his feet and they started to make there way out of the compound.

 

“Ok, team everyone meet back at the van.” Blake said as he met Miranda outside the compound followed not far behind by Dr. Santino and Jeanette.

 

As Darwin opened up the back of the van they all helped Dr. Santino inside where Darwin was sitting watching the rest of the auction go down from the computer set up he had hooked up in the van. “Now, were only waiting for Davenport” Darwin said

 

As the words left his mouth the passenger door to the van opened, “Well you guys ready to hit it.” Davenport smiled

 

***

 

The next day the team gathered at the Santino's household to check on them. Mrs. Santino opened the door with open arms to the team giving each of them huge hug. “Blake, thank you so much! How can we ever repay you for bringing my husband back to me.” Mrs. Santino beamed

 

“It's nothing Mrs. Santino really.” he replied “Me and the team have something to give you and your husband” he replied.

 

Showing them into the dining room where Dr. Santino was sitting Davenport brought a small case with four glowing blue pills inside. “I believe these are yours sir” he replied

 

The Doctor looked up at Davenport wide eyed, “How did you get these? I thought they were sold last night at the auction.”

 

Davenport grinned, “Yeah, what you saw purchased was actually some Aleve extra strength tablets that I switched out when I lifted these out of the burn room.”

 

“And the five hundred million bucks spent on the pills. I've wired to an account for you and your wife so you guys can use it to start a family, or start your own company” Darwin replied writing down the account information.

 

Tha Santino's looked at each other speechless and an awe of what they've just been given. But, the Doctor only had one more question, “Whats to become of the Colonel?”

 

“Well, lets just say not only will the Russians who paid five hundred million for pain reliever pills not be too thrilled that they've been tricked. But, also somebody might've tipped the FBI about the where abouts of the auction where just about ever major criminal was last night.” Blake nodded

 

“You guys are amazing” Doctor Santino rejoiced “If theres anything I can do to repay you, just say the word.”

 

As most of the team started to head out after giving the Santino's one last goodbye, Jeanette stayed behind for a moment to give Dr. Santino back his journal, “One way you can repay us, is figure out these pills” she smiled gave him a hug and headed out the door with the rest of the team.

 

“So, Blake we did it. Took down a military compound right under a Colonel's nose. So whats next?” Miranda asked as they got in the van

 

Blake pondering that for a moment stated, “Lets go steal a country...”


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Copyright © 2011 Prince Duchess; All Rights Reserved.
  • Like 1
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

2011 - Fall - Legends Entry
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Chapter Comments

  • Site Administrator

Very sneaky spy and adrenaline intent for your plot. However, I found the delivery kept me from really enjoying the story. Your punctuation was all over the place and I had a hard time seeing the characters as 'in character'. For example, the beginning part of the story has the doctor updating the project status and he says, much more safer. Usually a highly educated doctor would be more eloquent and follow proper grammar rules. Do some writing rules/english grammar research, I am always finding new rules I am breaking since English is such a complicated language.

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Interesting take on a the spy ring. I really enjoyed it. The only comment I have beyond a good story is find an editor. It is worth your time Adam.

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Hey Princey, I’m not going to harp grammar and punctuation. It was a very clever story. With some polishing it could be turned into a longer spy novel full of espionage, mystery and intrigue. I really enjoyed the story. It was a fun read! :D

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It is encumbent on reviewers to say somethjng good about a story, because there is very rarely a piece of work that is without merit. Luckily for you, the one thing that can be said of this story is a very big one. It's a great idea.

 

But unfortunately, that is as far as it goes. The punctuation, the grammar, the language, the pacing, the plot cockups, the malapropisms, the lack of characterisation, the lack of narrative development, all combined to make this a terrible waste of time on your part.

 

It's a great idea, perhaps not that hugely original, but in the main the plot devices are new to me, at least.

 

For me, the summation of it all lies in the word throw. You used this, misspelling it from threw, and that was a misspelling of through. A misspelling of a misspelling! That's pretty original, but utterly self defeating. Get an editor, and have a closer look at it all yourself. Otherwise, you are going to get nowhere, and that would be a shame for a creative mind.

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While it suffers in its delivery, the concept of a group of Robin Hood-esque thieves doing good deeds is a very sound one.

It's a shame it's been taken from the TV show Leverage. Along with the tagline, character's catchphrase and the characters themselves. Names have been changed and a few genders have been flipped but each character is easily and instantly recognisable.

 

Blake = Nate = The Mastermind.

Miranda = Sophie = The Grifter

Jeanette = Elliot = The Hitter

Darwin = Hardison = The Hacker

Davenport = Parker = The Thief

 

As for the final line in the story: it's not only ripped off but nonsensical out of context. Still, it sounded very cool when Nate said it in The San Lorenzo Job.

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