Fallen Valley Heights - 4. Silent Hope

Fallen Valley Heights

Chapter 4

Silent Hope

In the weeks that followed the affair with Thomas and me, it didn’t seem real. It was as if things had finally clicked for me; the way Thomas was acting, the way he stopped responding to me. I thought that I had finally convinced him that I might be the one. But that wasn’t to be true. After the ‘oral sex’ we had in the cemetery, Thomas just shut down. He left me there, without a word, spent.

I watched him go; of course, I tried to reason with him, tried to talk him into giving it a shot, but to no avail. He was set in his ways. “What ways?” you ask, I’ll explain…

Flash Back

“Thomas, look at me, for Christ’s sake!” I yelled at him.

“Why, it won’t change a thing. You know that as well as I do, Rodney.” Thomas spoke almost as if he were defeated, as if he had given up already. That’s not like him, and it worried me.

“What is that supposed to mean, Thomas? You make it seem as if this will never work out. As if this thing we have was never supposed to happen in the first place…” I laid a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off.

We sat there in complete silence. I didn’t know what to say or how to even go about doing it. I must admit though, getting here was one thing and might have been rough, but getting through it was another thing. I totally enjoyed our little adventure. Shit. If it felt wonderful, then why are we arguing under this stupid tree in a grave yard? Thomas laid his head on the tree, he sighed out into the night. For a moment there I thought he was actually going to say something, but he didn’t. The moment was over when he looked at me with very sad eyes, sighed once more, and got up.

I grabbed his pant leg, but he merely looked down at me with even more sorrow in his eyes. Was it so bad that he couldn’t give it a shot? “Please don’t… Don’t go, Thomas.” Thomas only shook his head as he ripped his pant leg out of my grasp. He walked slowly away, with his shoulders slumped and his head hanging low. I knew then that I probably wouldn’t see him again, until school.

And as I sat there with tears cascading down my face, I watched as his shadow faded to black. Then he was gone.

*End of flash back*

The flash back seared into my memory like the business end of a branding iron. I remembered the emotions. I remembered the turmoil that I felt when he left. Sitting here on my bed, I cried and cried, until my tear ducts couldn’t produce anymore. But as I sat there, I thought of a lot of ways to get rid of my emotions, of my pain.

For the simple fact is, I couldn’t handle not meaning anything to Thomas anymore. Every day I saw him, every time I watched him walk the halls, and every time we shared a class together, I was reminded of the night under that tree, our tree.

“Rod… Rodney, snap out of it,” came my friend’s voice. He was standing in front of me, waving his hand in my face. It would have been funny if not for the simple fact he wore a worried expression.

“Sorry.” I bowed my head. I let the hurt consume me for a bit longer.

“Well snap out of it, it’s time for Chem.” He held out his hand for me, and as he pulled me up, we hugged each other… in a manly way, of course.

“Sorry about that man, just have a lot on my mind lately.”

“It’s alright dude, just don’t make a habit out of it.” He laughed, but I didn’t.

“Yea, yea sure thing.” But as I said that, I didn’t believe it.

“There must be a lot up there if you’re not wise cracking at what I just said. You sure you’re okay?” he asked.

“Yea, just like I said, a lot of things are going on.”

“Do you wanna tell me about it?”

“Not really, it’s nothing. Just don’t mind it, alright? Anyway, let’s move; the bell is about to ring.”

But he didn’t. Jacob stood there looking at me. It unnerved me, I guess. He never once showed interest in my dull, boring life before. So why now? “Why are you just standing there, come on.” Again he didn’t move. He just stared. “Look man, I told you I’m fine, just get over it, and let’s go.” Ugh, Jacob still didn’t move.

Have I ever told you about Jacob? He’s not like the rest of my friends. Jacob is more laid back, he doesn’t usually start a conversation, but he doesn’t necessarily stay quiet around our friends either. Jacob has a way of making an ass out of himself, but he cleans up nicely too. We have been friends for as long as I can remember, honestly. It started way back in Elementary, when all the other kids were playing and enjoying themselves. I stayed back and played in the sand.

Jacob one day comes up to the sand box and just starts to play with me. Ever since then we have been friends. I have noticed him before too, in the showers mostly after school or after gym. He has a nicely built body, and nice trim waist also, but I have never actually looked at his package before. It never occurred to me. If you asked, IF I ever questioned us as more than a friends, then the answer would be yes, but considering it, it would probably not be likely.

However, what I like most about Jacob is that he can normally read people, all kinds of people. And that’s why today when he just decided to stare, I knew he was trying to read me, but I never once looked into his eyes. I guess, in a way, my eyes are a gateway to my soul… or my problems. And I didn’t need that to be known, not now, not ever.

People in my town wouldn’t take very kindly to people like me, and, like I said before, my friends don’t really like “queers” or any other different types, but rather, the norm, the usual. To be brutally honest, I like it like that. Except, well, now Thomas knows, and that’s what’s also keeping me from saying ANYTHING, to ANYONE!

“Jacob dude, come on.” I told him once more. It seemed like he was in trance of some sort. So I resorted to a slight push. His body just swayed a little, but he still didn’t come out of it. “Whatever, dude. I can’t afford to be late for class. Check ya later.”

*          *          *          *

Throughout the whole day, I thought for sure Jacob saw something, but wouldn’t he have a said something? I mean, he wouldn’t just stand there and stare would he? Ugh, I’m driving myself insane trying to wrap my head around whether Jacob saw something or not.

“Mr. Kasson, are you paying attention?” I snapped back to reality, to find that the whole class was looking at me weird. When I looked frontwards, my teacher, Mrs. Beck, was staring at me with her head tilted to the side. “Sorry Mrs. Beck, won’t happen again.” She resumed her lecture, as I tried to pay attention. Looking towards the clock, I saw there were only ten minutes left.

After class was through, I walked the halls, still trying to wrap my head around Thomas, and Jacob, two of my friends that I have known and loved for a long time. I needed to figure out what to say or do with Thomas, and I needed to figure out if Jacob saw anything.

Normally I wouldn’t put myself through this, but given the recent news and activity, I couldn’t really trust anyone…

“Rod… Rodney!” yells Jennifer. I wonder what she wants.

Turning around, I wait for her to jog her way to me. However, as she drew closer, I could clearly tell she was thinking something or had something on her mind. The smile she always wore wasn’t there. Her brows were creased, and her normally light brown eyes, were darker. That worried me, only a few things could have happened.

“Rod…” Jen spoke in a huffed voice.

“Heh, take a few breaths, girly.”

She waves me off, “I’ve heard,” she takes a few breaths, “I’ve heard that you,” again she breaths in. This time deeper, “I’ve heard that you’re gay.”

As soon as she said that, all the blood faded from my face. My heart stopped beating; I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Everything slowed down as if I were in a trance. Never have I thought I would be faced with this, never in my life would I have to… “Have to what? Think? Try to make up something so one of your best friends wouldn’t or couldn’t or even shouldn’t find out, great job! Literally, great fucking job.”

Then everything came flooding back in, making me feel dizzy, nauseous, and my heart beat so fast that I thought it might explode. Slamming my body against the locker, I leaned there, trying to get everything to calm down. But it wouldn’t, I don’t think it could. I felt tingly. My body felt as if it were on an adrenaline high. “FUCK!” I yelled, as I banged my head off the locker.

“Mr. Kasson, language,” said Mr. Doubtright.

“Sorry, Sir.”

Looking towards Jen, I found that she was still waiting for my reply. How could I begin to tell her; how can I even trust her with it? Sighing, I said, “…It’s true.” As soon as the words left my lips, I felt the world crashing down around me, the look she gave me was nothing less than disgust. I couldn’t hold it against her.

“You couldn’t have told me, your best friend. The person who has been there your whole life, the one person who has helped you out, helped you overcome things. Rodney, I don’t know what to say… I feel betrayed, let down. HURT!” she spewed out. Each word felt like a knife and each time I winced. I knew it was true. It hurt, really hurt. But it was nothing compared to the hurt in her eyes and the tears that ran down her delicate face. The more she looked at me, the more it hurt; it felt like a vice was gripping my heart, squeezing it.

I tried to speak, tried to apologize. But each time I tried, I couldn’t speak. The pain of letting her down, the pain of not trusting her, it was all too much to handle. “I’m…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry… It wouldn’t mean anything. You were caught, and now you have to pay for it.” She again looked disappointed, and the hurt in her eyes told me that our friendship was over. “Just don’t talk to me anymore…” After that, she walked away with her head hanging low. As for me, I don’t know… Maybe it was needed; maybe it is time for me to face up to it.

Wiping the tears away, I turned and walked away, out the door and kept walking, even after the monitors were yelling for me to turn around and get inside. I didn’t listen, I didn’t care. I couldn’t be there anymore.

“When will it be my time? When will people that I care about realize that I am still the same person? I hope that this will all blow over.”

But what I didn’t know was that by the time I got back to my house, the whole city would know. And the torment, oh the torment, in my wildest dreams would I have never thought that it could happen to me. I didn’t know at the time that my parents would disown me, my friends abandon me, and the people that I once knew and held dear would turn their backs on me…

Walking down the street, I saw children clinging to their mothers, children running around the merry go round. The laughter, the happy screams of adults playing with kids, it made me feel even sadder, depressed, and more alone. I have never felt this alone, this cutoff from everything. I couldn’t tell anyone, I couldn’t trust people, and why should I? This city is nothing but religious nut jobs. Hell bent to keep it clean, innocent, and blah, blah, blah…

There I stood, facing the house that I’ve lived in for sixteen years. The memories, the emotions, the hurt, and pain, it came flooding back to me. Almost knocking me over with it all, I dreaded walking into that house. I hated this house. But, I can, I have to… “You can do this, Rodney.”

With each step my heart pounded, the fear of parents knowing, it was almost enough to stop me in my tracks. However, as I reached for the knob the door opened. There stood my parents; my mother had her arms crossed, with a look that could break ice. The glare… I couldn’t look at her, so I turned to my father. He wasn’t any better. His was worse, if he had powers, oh god I would probably be dead where I stood.

“What have you got to say for yourself?” My mother spoke, her voice was like ice. Just like her stare.

Before I could respond, my dad jumped in, “Answer her, dammit!” His voice shook with fury.

I looked down at my shoes. I couldn’t look at them any longer; it hurt too much. “I don’t have anything to say.”

“That’s what I thought. You’re worthless. We’ve heard…” I snapped my head up and looked to both my parents. Their faces changed. “We’ve heard, the whole town knows. How could you be what other people are saying? How? We did everything to make sure that you didn’t… That you wouldn’t… I can’t even say it I’m so disgusted.”

“You think that I want this, that I chose this? That I want to be something that others think is wrong and sickening? Because I don’t…”

“Then we will get you help… Send you to a camp or something. There has to be something out there for you…”

“You think by sending me to a camp that it will fix me? You have to be out of your…” Before I could finish my dad blind sides me and smacks me hard enough across the face that I land on my ass staring up at them.

“You better watch your mouth.”

“Fuck you!” I spat.

“Jerry, don’t!” My mother yanks him back.

“Let him, let him hit me. Maybe by doing so he can beat it out of me. Come on, Dad, hit me.” My voice rose with defiance.

“Get out of my sight, you faggot. Don’t you dare come back to this house. You’re no longer my son,” The last part hurt, his words repeating themselves. Each time it was as if he was taking a knife and ripping me open. My eyes stung with tears, my heart ached for him to take it back. But he didn’t. My father yanked me up and literally forced me off the property. I looked past my father and saw my mother, she was crying. Her mascara was running down her cheeks, and the pleading look in her eyes broke my heart even more.

“…I said get out of my sight, NOW!” My Dad slams his hands into my chest, making me take a few steps back. With one last shove he turns, walks to my mother, helps her inside, and slams the door shut. I was left there, staring at what used to be my house.

After that I had no clue where to go. I knew that going to my friends houses were out. They would most likely slam the door in my face while laughing or calling me whatever name they could think of. If I only I had trusted Jen more…

…Wait a minute. I might have someone, even though he probably doesn’t want anything to do with me either. But here’s to hoping…

*tap*

*tap tap*

*tap tap tap*

If you haven’t realized by now, I was up on Thomas’ roof, tapping on his window. I wish he’d wake up. How hard is it to hear that? One more time, *tap tap tap* Finally, I heard some movements. About damn time too, shit my legs were almost ready to give out on me. Do you have any idea how much muscle it takes to balance yourself on a short ledge like Thomas’? Of course you don’t.

I was almost ready to tap again, when Thomas revealed himself. At first glance, Thomas glared at me. Then he rolled his eyes and opened the window. The first thing out of his mouth was, “Are you crazy?”

Rolling my eyes this time, I reply, “NO Thomas, I just don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

“Come on, Thomas, please.”

“No, if my parents find out… I don’t even want to know what they would do.”

“Thanks for nothing.” After that I turn to jump down, but Thomas grabs my arm. Looking back at him, I saw something in his eyes. I just didn’t know what it could be.

“You have to promise to be out by morning.”

“Promise.” By him doing this, I almost teared up.

Carefully climbing into his bedroom, I took a look around. I have never in all my years been in Thomas’ room at night. Not even for sleepovers. I guess that has to do with him not wanting to be called any names. Shit, look at this town, go figure.

I didn’t know that he had lava lamps on each of his end tables. One was orange, while the other blue. His two favorite colors. The posters on his wall were of girls in their bikini bottoms, showing their tits with a fake smile. Some posters even had more suggestive outputs. And then there were some rock bands, and other boy stuff. However, what really got me was the broken heart. It was on his desk, facing towards the wall.

Picking it up, I rotated it towards me. The detail that he went through must have been agonizingly painful. Like someone literally ripped out his heart. I could relate, it felt that away when he left me in the cemetery.

“Gimme that.” Before I could object or move it away from him, he took it and shoved it in his night stand.

“Sorry.” Thomas comes so close to me that, for a second, I felt his breath stroke my cheek. It sent a chill up my spine. When he stepped away I missed him already. I stepped closer, put my hands around his neck and guided him toward my lips. Our lips touched for the briefest of moments, and then hesitantly we connected our lips again, this time in a deeper, sensual way. It was like a blast of fire hitting me from all sides, a blast of color erupting in a blissful way. Oh god, I loved that kiss.

“I… I can’t Rodney.” Sighing, I open my eyes and stare at his.

“Why?” I ask hopelessly.

“Because, it won’t work.” Grabbing his hands, I guide them towards my waist. He let me.

From there we glide our hands over each other’s sides, teasing for more. Finally I have enough and grip his sides with force, slamming our bodies even closer together, I needed this, no I wanted this. This had to happen. I lifted up his shirt with ease, feeling his heat consume me. Oh, it felt so wonderful. Thomas did the same to me.

Soon we both stood there with barely anything on. Except of course our boxer briefs, I don’t think either of us knew exactly what to do, but I was determined to find out. I don’t know how, but we ended up on his bed. Rolling around, touching each other in a needful way, each touch lead to more lowering of our hands. The feel of him, grazing my skin, made me crawl. Each touch felt so romantic, each stroke of his tongue swiping across my jaw, it excited me. My god, my skin felt on fire. I wrapped my hand around his thick cock and started to stroke, he of course followed my lead. I never knew in my wildest dreams that I would be fooling around on my crush's bed.

Things became more heated as we progressed, one thing lead to another. And, somehow, I don’t know how, but I came to find I was straddling his hips. With his dick sliding in my crevice, it felt amazing. Thomas reaches over to grab his personal lube. My eyes lit up, I watched his every move. He applied the lube to his dick first and then proceeded to lube up his fingers. He poked my hole, smearing the lube around my sphincter. With an effortless push, his finger slid within me. I don’t even know how to describe the pleasure I felt.

Thomas put two fingers in me and started to relax me. As soon as I was good enough, I grabbed his dick and led him to my hole. There I teased my hole with his dick, and teased him as well.

“Please, Rodney.” He says breathless. I smile at him and slowly slide his dick in. With every inch of him, I became full, like I needed to shit, but as he gets enough in, Thomas begins to pull out, hitting my G-spot on the way. I shiver with delight and quietly moan.

After sex, we lie there, basking in the afterglow of intimacy. I look towards him and he smirks. If I didn’t know him as well as I do, I would say that Thomas is definitely gay, but since I do, he’s most likely Bi. We cleaned up, of course, and dressed. Thomas didn’t say much but “You missed a spot,” or “Here” when he handed me something.

As we lay next to each other, I stare up at his ceiling remembering the greatest sex I have ever had in my life. Well at the time! And as Thomas’ breathing started to deepen, I knew he was done for the night, not long after, I fell asleep also.

That morning, I awoke with a jump. Looking towards Thomas with the light of a new day streaming in, he looked absolutely breathtaking. His golden skin, and his very sexy lips, Thomas looked peaceful. Easing myself out of his bed, I got dressed. With a sigh, I wrote a letter to Thomas. It wasn’t anything important… Hah, that’s a joke. God, I wrote a very passionate letter to him and I left it on his desk. With one last look at my sleeping prince, I climb out his window and slowly walk my way across his roof and down the side. As I stand here now, I would have totally imagined me doing the exact opposite. Instead of walking away and out of his life, I would be walking into his life. Hmm, that’s kind of weird.

I made it back to my house, just as the rents were leaving. Great timing! Fishing out my keys, I unlock the door and go up to my room. There I proceed to pack all the things that were important to me. Before I left that day, I found a letter in an envelope taped to my door. It was in my mother’s handwriting. She wrote, “My dearest son, I am sorry for how everything turned out. If you need anything please DON’T be afraid to call. I love you, and that will never stop. You must know by now that your father was indeed angry at you. And he still stands by his decision, you’re not his son. Give him time he will come around. In this envelope I have left you spare keys, $5000 dollars to get to wherever you are going. And also I included something else. Your inheritance! With love, your mother.”

I found that after I read the letter, I was crying. And I loved her even more for it. Sitting down at my desk I wrote her a similar letter. It told of everything that I was going through, and how I can’t forgive Dad just yet. I even told her where she could find me if she needed to. With a bigger sigh, I put the letter on her desk and walked out the front door.

From there I went to the school, told them that I wouldn’t be returning. Walked to my car and drove to a place where I knew someone wouldn’t care what sexual preference I am.