Finding Myself - 16. Chapter 16: Confessions & Commitments

April 26, 2019

For the spring trimester, I wasn’t involved in any sports, so on Fridays I had a study hall for 7th period during the athletic period. The other days of the week I still had off season training for basketball and lacrosse. Today, though, was a Friday, and I was bored out of my mind in the study hall classroom. As I was trying to work on my algebra homework, a student office aid came in and handed a slip to the teacher. “Aedan Jackson,” she said. “You’re needed in the counselor’s office.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I nodded, beginning to pack up my stuff..

Others in the class murmured “ooh, you’re in trouble!”

“Get back to work...” the teacher grumbled. I left the room with my hall pass and went to the office and found the counselor for the class of 2022 students in her office.

“Ah, hello, Mister Jackson. Have a seat,” she said, and I sat down in a chair.

“Um, am I in trouble?” I asked nervously. “The chicken feathers in Connor’s locker wasn’t me! I swear!!”

“Aedan, calm down, you’re not in trouble,” she laughed. I blushed in embarassment. I guess I’m too used to getting in trouble. “You’re here because of this.” She handed me a pamphlet. Prodigious Art Students Seminar, it said. “This is a summer seminar program for talented students like yourself.”

“WOAH seriously?” I smiled. “How do I apply?”

“You’re already invited, Aedan,” she explained. “Your art teacher, Mrs. Leland, figured you were a prodigy, and sent in pictures of some of your art pieces to the program and they accepted you.”

“Wow,” I fiddled with my fingers, trying not to blush. “When is the program?”

“It starts in mid-July and is about a month. It’s held at an art college campus in Rhode Island. You’ll live in the dorms there and attend different sessions based on some different things you’re interested in. There’s a lot more info in that pamphlet. You don’t need to commit immediately, but the deadline to accept the invitation is June first. This would be a great opportunity for you, though.”

“Oh, um, okay, thank you,” I blushed. Was my art really that good? Does everyone see me as some kind of prodigy?!?!

Suddenly the bell rang. “You’re good to go, Mr. Jackson. Have a good weekend.”

“Thanks, you too, ma’am,” I waved and exited the office. I pocketed the pamphlet in my shorts and excitedly biked the half mile back home. Jake was home sick today as spring allergies gave him a sinus infection. Also, Violet was on a 3-day field trip for some “save the animals” thing, so I was on my own. When I got home, I ate a snack before I went out to feed the bunnies in the backyard. The mother bunny was pregnant with a new litter this spring, so she got extra hay and lettuce. When the bunnies were fed, I went inside to relax. In the kitchen, I noticed mom was home. She had a glass of water and a bottle of pills in her hands.

“Hey Mom!” I said excitedly.

“Someone’s in a good mood,” she chuckled.

“Yea,” I pulled the pamphlet out of my backpack resting on a stool at the kitchen counter and handed it to mom. “I got invited to this art program over the summer.”

She looked over the pamphlet. “Congrats, sweetie,” she reached up to hug me. “We can look more into this before you decide to accept it. But, for now, I need to bring Jacob’s antibiotic and decongestant up to him.”

“Oh! I’ll do it,” I jumped up.

“Oh-kay....” mom cautiously handed me the medication which I took to Jake’s room.

“Hey, Aedan,” Jake mumbled. He had a cute stuffy-nosed voice. “Thanks for the medicine.”

“No prob,” I shrugged. “Hey guess what?! I got invited to an art seminar thing this summer.” I handed him his medicine and water.

“Oh, congrats,” Jake said, taking the two pills and rolling onto his side and pulling up the blankets.

“Yeah, I’m so excited...” I began rambling. Jake brought out a more cheerful side in me lately. I think I’ve been letting my guard down around him. I’ll have to confess my crush to him eventually. I just need to figure out when. According to Ian, Jake likes me back, but dating my best friend could be risky.

“Hey, baby, come with me,” mom said. I rolled my eyes.

“Okay, mom. Bye, Jake,” I turned and walked out of the room. “What’s goin’ on?”

“I need to get River from school and take him to get his braces on at the orthodontist.”

“But why do I have to come?! I already had my ortho appointment this month!”

“Because if I leave you here, you’re going to bug Jacob and keep him from getting rest. Also, we’ll be getting smoothies afterwards.”

Fair point... I rolled my eyes and put my phone in the pocket of my shorts.

“Seriously why did he have to come?!?” River whined after he got in the back seat when we picked him up from middle school.

“Bro, who was that girl you were hanging with? You have a girlfriend?” I asked.

“She’s not my girlfriend, you idiot!” River said. “Gawd you’re so weird, bro...”

“Both of you, knock it off. You’re acting like children. Aedan, stop teasing your brother. River, stop whining.”

“Yes, ma’am...” both my brother and I sighed.

I played games on my cell phone and answered a few texts from friends to kill time in the boring waiting room. One text came from Bailey. “Hey we should meet in video call tonight to discuss the data for our bio project : )”

Seriously??? Who the hell works on homework Friday night? What a loser! I thought to myself as I typed my response. As obnoxious as Bailey is, she’s really smart and I need her help if I want to do well in Biology class. I’ve always sucked at science, anyways. It’s my second worst subject in school after ELA. We agreed to meet at 8pm right after dinner.

Later, at home, I fought off the urge to hang out with Jake and went out to play basketball in the backyard until dinner. After dinner, I opened my laptop in my room and logged into Discord to meet with Bailey. Her video camera immediately turned on and I saw her sitting on her bed with Kevin. Their mic was muted, so I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Bailey had broken up with Jakey the previous week, so she wasn’t my favorite person in the world but I had to work with her. Ugh.

“Hey, Aedan, ready to work on this?” Bailey unmuted herself after Kevin left the room.

“Mhm, yeah,” I mumbled to her. For about 30 minutes, we talked about our project about photosynthesis in plants. After we did that, I was thankful that I could relax. I messaged Chase on Discord to see if he wanted to hang out and play Pirate101 or something. Apparently, he was going to bed early to rest for the baseball game tomorrow.

With nothing better to do, I sat down on my bed, undressed, laid down, and grabbed some tissues… “Hey, Aedan,” River entered my room. “OHHHH GOD!” My brother covered his blue eyes and turned around.

“Geez bro, don’t you know how to knock?!” I quickly pulled up the sheets to hide my lower half. “It’s safe to look now. I was just about to… um…” I blushed in embarrassment.

“Dude, I know what you were about to do. You don’t have to say it,” River rolled his eyes. “Anyways, I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but how do I ask girls out?” He sat cross legged at the foot of my bed.

“Haha! I knew it you do like that girl!” I teased. River blushed. River’s pretty big for a 13-year-old. He’s Jake’s size despite being two years younger, and certainly bigger than me when I was 13. He could probably be good at football.

“Anyways, how were you so confident around girls before you became gay?”

“I don’t know...” I shrugged. “I was also a dumbass in middle school. Girls don’t like flirty players. Which I thought was cool and stuff. So, like, just be yourself, I guess. And I’m bi, not gay. I still like girls too.” Somehow River found out about me not being straight. I haven’t specifically come out to him, but I don’t exactly hide that side of me too much anymore.

“Wow, thanks for the help, bro...” he rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Get back to your... stuff... I guess...” River left the room. He killed the mood, so I put my boxers and pajama pants on to relax and work on digital art commissions for my Instagram followers.

June 7 2019

I stood up from my seat and turned in my World Geography final exam with a few minutes to spare. I then had to wait for the teacher to return the graded copies after time was up. Today was the last day of school, and I was excited to have a relaxing summer vacation where I could focus on art and not all this other junk that school wants me to be learning. I’m not exactly what most people call “smart”, or at least not "book smart", so I’ve had to struggle my way through school, especially 9th grade with harder high school classes going on. So I was proud of my B in geography.

I went to clean out the remaining stuff in my locker and turn in my textbooks before meeting up with Jakey to eat lunch in the cafeteria. School ended at noon today but the cafeteria was available for lunch. Jake and I both brought sandwiches from home since cafeteria food is gross.

“I’m sooo excited for summer, you have no idea!” I smiled at Jake, my voice cracking a bit.

“I bet you are. You’ve been excited about that art seminar camp ever since you got invited.” Jake smirked. “So, you’re going home with Violet and I’m staying for my baseball game?” Jake asked. The final Freshman baseball game was this afternoon.

“Actually, Violet’s graduating, like, right now,” I said. “Mom’s here too.”

“Oh, I’m not dressed for a graduation ceremony,” Jakey blushed, looking at the t-shirt and shorts he had on.

“I ain’t either,” I laughed. I had a sweatshirt on because the school’s A/C was chilly, but under that I had a tank top and basketball shorts. “We’ll be a’ight tho,” I said as I led Jake to the auditorium where graduation was held. Our middle school graduation last year had been out on the football field, but today was really hot outside, so they’re holding middle and high school graduations in the auditoriums.

“So what’re Violet’s plans after grad?” Jake asked as we entered.

“Oh, um, she’s going into nonprofit work,” I answered. “She’s into saving animals from hunting. And saving babies from abortions, and shit like that.”

“She’s not going to college like everyone else?” Jake asked.

“Nah, bro,” I shook my head and swooped my hair out of my face. “It’s not for her and that’s fine.” I shrugged. I had a few years until college myself. It’s not like I’m smart enough to get into most colleges. College probably ain’t for me anyways. I could probably just go into being an artist immediately. Eh, that’s a worry for a later time. I’m just a freshman.

We took our seats in the row where my mom and River were. The ceremony went well. There were about 160 students graduating, and Violet was announced in the middle since our last name is Jackson. By 2:00, the ceremony was over, and mom left to go to work.

“I have to get over to the baseball field to get ready for the game,” Jake said as we left the auditorium.

“Okay, Jake,” I tried to hide my blush. Jakey was looking really cute in those shorts. “I’ll be sure to make it to the game at 4. John’ll be taking Riv and me… oh and Fiona too.”

I followed Jake outside and the heat hit me like a wave. “Damn, it’s hot…” I drawled as I put down my backpack and pulled off my sweatshirt. Jake and River blushed, I looked down and realized my shirt had come off too. Jake laughed and took my sweatshirt from my hand and ran. “Hey give it back!” I chased him until I tackled him on the soft grass, both of us laughing.

“Can I keep it…. Pleeease???” Jake pleaded. “It’s a good luck charm for me.” Jake made up on the spot. I of course couldn’t say no to him. And the idea of my hoodie bringing him good luck tickled the gay side of my brain.

“You can borrow it for today. That’s my favorite hoodie.”

River came over and helped us up. “Y’all’re so gay…” River rolled his eyes. Jake and I blushed and looked at each other.

Thanks for the memo, Captain Obvious... And thanks for the reminder that I still have to talk to him about my feelings...

“Uh huh… yeah… and I’m a big green dinosaur that’s gonna eat you,” Jake teased. I laughed.

“Good luck, Jake,” I picked up my backpack, waved, and followed River to our sister’s car where we planned to meet her. I glanced back at Jake a few times, watching him gracefully walk towards the baseball field.

Now that I was shirtless, some girls were definitely looking at me. And River was impressed by all the silent attention I was getting. “I can’t believe you…” River shook his head.

I shrugged as we reached Violet’s car. “I’m a boy, it’s fine. It’s like 95 degrees out here anyways.”

“There’s no way Jake could’ve given you the tank top back? You pulled off that hoodie, but your shirt came off with it.”

I shrugged. I had a vague idea of why Jake would steal my shirt. And that idea made me nervous.

“Hey dorks…” Violet walked up with Kayley. “Woah, what happened to your shirt?”

“It’s a long story…”

“Whatever, just get in the car…”

At home, I took a nap and played some video games before I put on a shirt from my school to leave for the baseball game with mom's boyfriend and his daughter. Jake was a left fielder and Chase was a shortstop. And Ian was our designated hitter. We ended up losing, but it was a fun game. The team was going out for dinner afterwards to celebrate the end of the season, so Jake and Chase were gonna come to Violet’s graduation party a bit late. When I returned home with River, Violet’s friends had all arrived as did some pizza boxes on the back patio for dinner. River and I went out to the patio, and put some pizza slices on our paper plates. We each grabbed 3 slices and sat down to eat despite having nachos at the baseball game not long ago.

After eating, it was clear the seniors weren’t interested in having us around. River and I hung out and played some basketball on the court in the backyard. A couple minutes in, I was sweaty enough to get rid of my shirt thanks to the heat. River put up a fight, but I had the lead 16 to 12. I called timeout when I heard Jake’s voice approaching.

“Yo, Aedan,” Chase called out. Both he and Jake were in their baseball unforms and looked sweaty and tired.

Damn, Jake was looking cute in that baseball uniform. Jake blushed when his brown eyes met me.

“How’s the basketball game going?” Jake asked. “You guys look hot.” River and I blushed. “I mean like sweaty... dehydrated? Your cheeks are flushed too.”

“Yeah, I might jump in the pool after this,” I said, dribbling the basketball a couple times before taking a shot. “That’s 18 points for me!” I smirked. We were playing to 20 points.

“That was during timeout you idiot!” River whined. Chase laughed.

“Could y’all grab a swimsuit for me in my room?” I asked. Jake nodded.

“Could I borrow one of yours too?” Chase asked. “I didn’t bring a swimsuit.”

“I’ll need one of yours too, bro,” River drawled. “None of mine fit me anymore. And mom hasn’t taken me to buy new swimsuits.”

“Only if I win,” I chuckled. “If not then you get to go skinny-dipping,” I teased.

“No way! Not in front of those older teens!”

“I’m just teasing...” I rolled my eyes as River began the next play. A few minutes later, I scored my 20th point, winning the game.

“Nice win, Aedan,” Jake returned with Chase. They both had swim shorts on. Jake had on his favorite pink floral trunks while Chase had on my favorite blue/green striped trunks. Jake’s faint abs were visible and looking tasty.

“Thanks, Jake,” I smiled and used my shirt to wipe sweat from my face and chest. He tossed me a swimsuit. Oh fuck... he found my speedo... “A speedo?! What the fuck???” my face went pink. This was so embarrassing. I hate speedos. River fell to the grass laughing as Jake tossed him a totally normal pair of my yellow trunks. “Can we trade, bro?” I pleaded. I only owned 3 pairs of swimwear. I thought of just wearing my ball shorts in the water, but these shorts are nice, and they ain't made for chlorine like my trunks... and speedo... are.

“Hell naw, bruh,” he dropped the basketball on the ground. “I’ll meet you in the changing room.”

I sighed. “I’m sure you’ll look fine in that speedo,” Jake smirked deviously. Ugh he drives me so CRAZY.

I went into the bathroom of the small (and new) poolhouse with Riv where we put on our swimwear. I checked myself in the mirror. This black speedo revealed way too much thigh and my bulge was noticeable. You look absolutely ridiculous... I told myself.

“Nice speedo, Aedan,” River laughed. I blushed.

“Go ahead. I’ll be out in a min...”

“K, scaredy cat,” he laughed as he left the bathroom.

You got this, Aedan. It’s not like anyone out there is gonna take pics of me and share them with the world on Instagram. Oh fuck that’s totally what they’re gonna do! Ughhh! Whatever. Any judgmental seniors or little brothers can take a punch in the face.

I set my sweaty basketball shorts, socks, and sneakers on the floor of the poolhouse when I left the bathroom. I took a deep breath and walked over to the pool barefoot. The seniors chuckled a bit. Thankfully they were in the pool and didn’t have their phones to take embarrassing pics of me.

“My god, Aedan... why??” Violet giggled.

“Shut up,” I jumped into the cool water, which felt amazing after a hot sweaty basketball game and a searing hot day that felt more like a summer day in Tennessee than Connecticut. The sky was fiery orange with the setting sun. Jake blushed and quickly got a nosebleed. “Shit,” he hoisted himself out of the water and grabbed several napkins from the table. Ack! The anime-style nosebleed! He's turned on...

“Hey, Violet, you got any alcohol for us?” a senior guy with an annoying fratbro voice asked.

“YOU KNOW MY OPINION ON ALCOHOL!” Violet yelped. “So, no.”

“Whatever. Like, this party is so lame.” He got out of the pool with his fratbro friends. “Freshman kid shows up in a speedo and there’s no alcohol? It’s totally bogus.”

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” I said. That earned a chuckle from Violet and Chase. Once Jake returned, we played Marco Polo in the pool while Violet and her girlfriend chatted at the other side of the pool. At around 9PM, the sky got fully dark and Violet went inside, returning with a cake. I was quickly the only one left in the water, a bit too embarrassed to come out. Jake came over with an extra towel, which I quickly tied around my waist after hoisting myself onto the deck. Chase, Jake, River, and I went inside with our cake slices, and afterwards, Chase changed into jeans and a t-shirt to head home.

“What a crazy day, huh?” Jake asked.

“Yeah,” I smiled. “I should probably get ready for bed. I’m wiped.”

“Me too,” Jake sighed. “That baseball game wore me out. Nice speedo, by the way.”

“Oh, thanks,” I blushed.

“Yeah, you look good in it,” Jake’s cheeks went cherry red and he shyly ran up to his room. I laughed. He’s so cute. I returned to my room and threw my sweaty clothes in the hamper and returned my orange sneakers to my shoe rack in the closet. After a cool bath, I put on blue and grey plaid boxers and got in my bed to doodle before sleep. My eyes had trouble staying open, and it was hard to concentrate on drawing. I was jolted back to reality by a knock at my door.

“Hey, come in?” I responded. Jake came in. He was in nothing but a pair of ball shorts he borrowed from me. Fuck he looks so hot in those. He took a seat on my bed. “Howdy, Jake.”

“Um, Aedan,” my best friend nervously rubbed the nape of his neck. “There’s something I wanna tell you.” I closed my sketchbook and placed it on the nightstand and nodded. “I, um, also like boys... as well as girls.”

“So, yer bi, like me?”

“Maybe. There’s only one guy I like, though.”

Oh fuck... “Who is he? Is he cute?”

“I can’t say his name. But he’s gorgeous. Tanned skin. Long shaggy black hair. A boyish dimple smile. Skinny but has some muscles. The greenest emerald eyes. Some braces to keep his buck teeth under control. He’s got a charming southern accent. And he looks great in a speedo.”

“That ain’t me right?” I teased, bringing out more of my accent for him.

“it is you, silly,” Jake giggled, ruffling my wet hair. “I’ve had a lot of time to think. And I’ve liked you since we first met in 7th grade. It just took me two years to realize that, and confess it to you now.” Jake blushed. It all made sense now: why he wanted to shower with me in the beach house, pushing his parents to let me and my whole family live in this big fancy house with him, that magical kiss on his birthday...

“I, um, like you a lot too. Ever since that kiss six months ago... Hell, maybe even longer than that... Maybe homecoming? I d-didn't say anything because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. You’re an amazing friend and I don’t wanna lose that—“

“Shush” Jake interrupted me with a kiss. I blushed, a bit surprised. “You’re so awesome. Nothing you do would ever ruin our friendship. You’d have to do something, like, really mega illegal and stupid.”

“Well, you know me, I’m a dumbunny,” I smirked. Jake laughed and brushed his hand on my cheek before we began making out.