Truths and Lies - 25. Gary's Visit

"Wow, this is nice!" Gary said approvingly. "Ya got everything a growing teenager needs," he noted, checking out the computer, the game machines, TV, stereo, and shelves and shelves of books. He glanced through my CD collection and nodded his head in silent approval a few times. "Korn...The Beatles. Good taste, dude."

"We can put something on if you want," I offered.

"You have some cool stuff but...I don't think so. Not right now." He was still really nervous and I wondered why he wanted to go through with this if it was making him so uncomfortable.

The truth was, I'd be glad if he just called the whole thing off. But if he wanted me to, I'd do it somehow. I hoped that I wouldn't gag or get sick. What if I accidentally bit him? It wasn't like Jesse, where everything just happened so naturally. I'd be thinking about the whole process in a very objective way, just to get through it. I began to wonder if Gary's dick was anything like Goreski's and felt my gorge start to rise.

"You're getting that look again," Gary noted uneasily, slumping down in my desk chair, extending his long legs out into the room. He kept his sneakered feet planted while he slowly swiveled the chair back and forth.

"I'm feeling a lot better. Really. It's just that...I'm a little nervous," I confessed. "I guess I wasn't expecting you to just show up like this."

"Of course," Gary said agreeably. "I understand. I wasn't sure I was gonna come over here either. But Theresa finally insisted. You see, I've been thinking about you a lot since I last saw you and I tried talking about it with her."

"I've been thinking about you too," I admitted. "How stupid I was to drag you into such a—"

"Hold the phone, dude!" he said, his voice strong and clear. "I went in with both eyes open, both times! To me, this isn't about payback. You don't owe me anything, Perry, really, honestly, and truly. Got it?"

I shrugged noncommittally.

"The thing is, besides going over everything that happened, what could have happened to you, all the ways you could've been hurt...I've been thinking a lot about you in that other way."

"Like Shane." I said quietly.

"Yeah, something like that. Only, you're not Shane. We didn't grow up together and we're not the same age. I'm almost eighteen. I shouldn't even be thinking about you like...like this. But the fact is that I am. And it's been kinda messing things up with T. She says I'm distracted. She says even the way I kiss ain't the same as before!" he laughed sheepishly.

"She seems really understanding though," I pointed out.

"Absotutely!" Gary nodded in agreement. "So I finally got a break from work and b-ball practice, and decided this was gonna be the day that we would...talk. And I didn't want you getting all freaked out about it, so I figured it would be better if I just showed up."

"Sure...I mean, this is fine," I lied.

Gary looked at me expectantly with those dark, impenetrable eyes peering out from under that shaggy mop of tousled black hair.

"So, how do you want to do this?" I asked, hearing the quiver in my own voice as I spoke.

"You really think I'm here for my blow job, huh?" he asked frankly.

I nodded.

"Well dude, I don't think so. That would be awesome if you were into it—"

"But I'm totally willing!" I assured him.

"Hmmm...I guess you are willing, but you don't want to. Why would you? It's disgusting!" He made a childishly sour face and I might've laughed if I wasn't so wound up.

"It is what you wanted," I reminded him cautiously.

"Yeah, that's true. I wanted something from you. When I saw you at the rummage sale, I thought you were so...wow, Perry. It was like you took my breath away! Can you dig that? That this six foot two, one hundred and ninety-eight pound, scruffy lookin' high school kid—a guy in case you didn't notice—thinks you're hot?"

"Well...I don't know exactly what you mean by that," I admitted, "but I understand that sometimes, you're attracted to boys, just like a..." I hesitated before saying the word.

"A fag?" Gary finished bluntly.

"I was gonna say a gay person," I clarified.

Gary shrugged as if it was the same difference to him. "So, besides the fact that you're straight, and you're almost four years younger than me, the other big problem is that I'm not at all comfortable with these feelings. I made up my mind a long time ago that the feelings I had for Shane, the things we did, were a one-time thing, because we were childhood buds and things just naturally evolved from there. But when I saw you and Jesse at the rummage sale, it just triggered all those feelings again, very—physical feelings," he explained.

"So you were hoping that by coming here today, you could work those feelings out of your system?" I asked hopefully.

Gary threw up his hands in frustration. "I don't know if it is something I can work out of my system. It just might be something I hafta live with," he sighed.

"But for sure you don't want to be gay?"

"No, Perry, I don't. I just don't see myself getting into that sort of...lifestyle. I mean, I really sympathize with people who are like that, and I'd never hassle anyone about it, but it's just not for me. I really like Theresa, and she gets me plenty, well, worked up, if you know what I mean."

I nodded in understanding.

"And frankly, that's the way I want it to be. Ever since Friday night though—well really, since the rummage sale, I've been having thoughts about you, sexual thoughts and fantasies."

"And Jesse too?"

"Yeah, what the fuck," Gary said with a shrug. "There's no point in holding anything back. Sure, Jesse too, but not as intensely. I mean, it's different with him. He saved my sorry neck and all, but he's also got a different kind of personality, ya know?"

"I think Jesse's much better looking than I am," I told him plainly.

Gary laughed drily. "Yeah, Jesse really is a looker. Like he just walked out of some music video or something."

"And he's really very cool when you get to know him," I added a little defensively.

"I have no doubt about that. He was really amazing the other night, facing your mom the way he did, and we had a little time to talk when we took him home."

"What did you talk about?" I asked with more than idle curiosity. "I mean, if you think it's okay to tell me."

Gary nodded. "Well, he was pretty upset there at the end. The whole thing was totally unexpected from his point of view. He didn't know what we'd been up to earlier in the evening."

"I was so stupid." I began admonishing myself for the millionth time.

"You did what you thought you had to do, and I was glad to help you out," Gary interjected quickly. "But really, he was mostly just grateful that I had gone along with you, and he said that...." He suddenly paused.

"What did he say?" I asked anxiously.

"That...he may have misjudged me," he said quietly. "That you had always said that I was a good person, but he couldn't get over the fact that I was gonna force myself on you. But now, he was feeling different."

"I'm so glad he said that!" I exclaimed, feeling like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe something good had come out of all that craziness and heartache. Jesse had at least been given the chance to see Gary the way I had always seen him, to see the goodness in him that I just knew for a fact was there all along. I was even starting to feel more relaxed now. Gary was a good person, and he had more than done right by me. I just couldn't see denying him anything.

"But the truth is, as incredible a kid as Jesse is, I don't have quite the same feelings for him," he admitted uneasily. "I mean, shit yeah, I do fantasize about him. Whatever physical thing was reawakened in me that day, was certainly caused, at least partially, by him. But you're a looker too, Perry."

I wanted to deny it, to shake him by the shoulders and tell him that wasn't me. I knew, because I looked in the mirror every day and saw the same kid I had seen for years. Maybe a little taller, a little more physically developed, no more freckles, but...Jesse had said that it didn't really matter what I thought. It was just something other people saw in me, or thought they saw, and if they were my friends, I needed to respect their feelings.

"Alright," I sighed nervously. "You wanna see me without clothes on...right?" I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth and I felt a tightness in my chest that made it difficult to breathe.

Gary looked somewhat shocked by my question, but he slowly relaxed into a more thoughtful posture. "What I really want," he said quietly, "is to be your friend, to be someone you can shoot hoops with, listen to tunes with, go to a flick with, or just hang...without any of this other shit."

"I'd like that too," I acknowledged sincerely.

"But I have to get past this. I want to! I need to!" he said desperately.

He was confusing me now, but I did understand that desire to be friends. I felt the same way about him. I had since the day we met. I felt no sexual attraction for him, even though he was undeniably a very healthy, athletically built guy. His face wasn't classically handsome, but there was a certain appeal to those severely high cheek bones, that strong chin, straight nose, and dark brown eyes under those brooding, jet black eyebrows. He always looked like he needed a shave. The shaggy black hair that tumbled haphazardly over his forehead and ears seemed uncharacteristically long for a jock. I knew myself how difficult it was to play sports and have long hair. But the truth was, I missed it. Maybe it was something like Jesse had said about wanting to hide myself from others. I knew that my big, stupid eyes gave away my feelings and even my thoughts, whether I wanted them to or not, and having long bangs was a way to shelter myself from that kind of scrutiny. I wondered if Gary let his hair grow long for similar reasons.

"Then maybe we shouldn't do this," I offered.

Gary nodded hesitantly. "Maybe. It's wrong for me to have these kinds of thoughts about you, Perry, and it's very wrong for me to take advantage of you like this. I know that, and yet, I'm still here. You can see how fucked up this is; how fucked up I am."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm really sorry that I'm making you feel bad," I apologized helplessly.

I saw Gary's dark eyes begin to tear up. His lips were pressed into a tight grimace. I could only imagine the flurry of conflicting thoughts and emotions that were going through his head right now. I also knew what it felt like to have a physical attraction for somebody that you knew was wrong, at least in the eyes of society.

"Don't apologize, Perry...please...it just kills me inside."

"It's not really wrong," I explained to him in a calm voice. "I mean, some people might think it's wrong—"

"Like your mom!" Gary pointed out.

I nodded. "Yeah, maybe...but to me, if you want to do something for someone, if you want to help them out, then it's not a bad thing but a good thing. Don't you think?"

"I hear what you're saying, and I guess that makes sense but...I honestly don't know, Perry. Maybe it's not wrong from your side, but it is from mine. I just know that you're an incredible person, and fortunately or unfortunately, it just happens that you're a fourteen year old boy and not someone else."

"Like a girl?"

Gary laughed harshly and tilted his head back. "Oh, man, you do have a way of hitting the nail on the head," he said, staring blankly at the ceiling. "If you were a chick, and a little closer to my age, there would really be a problem."

"But I am a boy, so it doesn't really matter. Theresa doesn't have to feel jealous or anything," I noted with some relief.

"Actually, I think she does—feel jealous I mean, at least a little, although she won't admit it. She told me herself though, that she thinks you're really cute and can understand why I'm attracted to you."

I got off the bed and walked the few steps over to where Gary was sitting.

"Look at me," I demanded. "What do you really see?"

The tears were still pooled at the bottoms of his eyes, but he nevertheless took my request seriously. "I see just what I've been telling you all along: an extremely attractive, very young-looking fourteen year old boy, who turns out to have a sweet personality, is smart, and warm, and caring, and just...just someone I'd like to call my friend."

"But look," I said, holding my hands out to him. "There's nothing remarkable here, nothing to get excited about. I've got two hands and ten fingers, just like anyone else; I have a nose for breathing," I said, lightly touching it with one finger. "I used to have a lot of freckles, but they're almost completely gone now, which is cool." Gary began smiling. "I have two really big, stupid eyes that show everyone what I'm thinking. I've got these dorky ears, and this messy hair, and this disgusting tongue." I stuck it out at him and he actually laughed.

"I've got two tiny little boy tits," I went on, smiling now at my own silliness as I gestured to every part as I went down the list, "pointy elbows, an 'innie,' a really boring butt," I noted as I wiggled it playfully in his direction, "knobby knees, and big, stinky feet!"

Gary laughed through my whole silly dance, and a couple of tears actually trickled down his cheeks. I waited for him to calm down a little.

"So, it's like, whatever it is you think you see, the truth is, it's all just a bunch of standard issue stuff!"

"God, Perry, you're so funny!" he said, chuckling a little despite the tension in the air. "You really are, and I totally get your point. But you gotta hear me too, hear me clearly.... It ain't just about your nose, or your hands, or your pointy elbows...although I'd put your amazing hazel eyes up against anyone's, and those full red lips—"

"I wish I didn't look this way," I admitted sullenly.

"What the hell for?"

I wanted to tell him that every time my mom looked at me, it reminded her of my dad, and that wasn't a good thing. But this wasn't about me and my problems. This was about helping Gary. He had really come here confused and conflicted, but he had come, and I just had to do anything I could for him or I'd regret it later. And now that I knew Jesse was feeling the same way about him as I did, I didn't think that he would resent me helping this really special guy who it turned out, was just as mixed up as the rest of us.

"Nothing..." I said dismissively.

Gary didn't say anything for a few uncomfortable seconds. "Hey, you logged onto the internet?" he suddenly asked, swiveling around in the chair so that he was facing the computer monitor, which was currently showing scenes from the upcoming The Return Of The King.

I nodded. He clicked the mouse and my Netscape home page materialized. He quickly typed an address into the web browser.

"Check this out," he said quietly.

I came to stand behind his shoulder and the first thing I noticed was a small and grainy picture of a young man with some acne and black framed glasses—

"It's Billy!" I gasped.

Gary nodded, a grim look on his face. "Yeah, ever since...since that business, I've been searching on the internet, trying to get every piece of news that I could. And at first, there was plenty, about the raid, about the explosions, about other cage fights in the county...but very little about who was behind the operation and nothing except a little vague speculation about the people that escaped."

"Like Al-Jihuad," I said, feeling a shiver run down my spine as I said the name out loud.

"Yeah, he really covered his tracks like a pro—the bastard," he mumbled from a clenched jaw. "And this article showed up just yesterday."

I quickly read through the two paragraph article, which identified the picture as belonging to William Richard Zanterman, a senior at Escondido High School. He had apparently gone missing a few days before his eighteenth birthday. He was described by students and teachers as a loner at school and had been suspected on more than one occasion of hacking into the school database, although no charges had ever been pressed against him. Apparently, his mother was worried sick about him and afraid that he had fallen victim to foul play. Both the CIA and FBI, as well as local authorities were involved in the search.

"Usually when a teen goes missing, it's all over the front pages of every newspaper in the area. But this is all I could find about Billy. It's almost like somebody's keeping it quiet on purpose."

I noticed the web site was linked to the Escondido Daily Press, definitely a very local paper.

"Poor Billy..." I muttered.

"Poor Billy...fuck 'im!" Gary grunted. "My guess is that the FBI or whatever has some idea that Billy was involved in the Hode Ranch business. Maybe they'd already had suspicions about his online activities before that place blew sky high. They probably wanna find him before anyone else does and find out what the fuck he knows about Al-Jihuad and company."

I knew I should be angry at Billy because he had taken advantage of me in the worst possible way, but the fact was, seeing his grainy school picture there on the computer, I just felt sorry for him. It made me think of that little picture of Shane that Gary carried in his wallet. Whatever had become of Billy, whether he was alive and in hiding, or possibly abandoned or even murdered by his disgruntled boss, he was still just a kid, mixed up in things that were way too big for him.

The brief article only confirmed what I had suspected all along: that Billy was a lonely kid, with no friends, who lived with his mom. Who knew where his dad was? There was no mention of him in the story. I figured that the cunning Al-Jihuad had recruited him with money as well as flattery and had treated him with respect. But I had a feeling that the most important thing to Billy about the whole thing was that he was part of a family. Granted, it was a family devoted to illegal and dangerous enterprises, but a family nonetheless, a place where he had a purpose and people appreciated his talents.

"You're probably right," I said, my voice tinged with sadness. "But really, he was just a kid—your age, who got caught up in something that was over his head. Wherever he is, I hope he's at least okay."

"He's probably sitting in front of some seaside mansion in Puerto Vallarta or Acapulco, sipping Piña Coladas with that big Asian bodyguard and that slimy—"

"It's okay, Gary. Let it go, please?" I asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. I felt powerful muscles twitch beneath the thin fabric of his polo shirt. "We got away, and nobody got hurt—you didn't get hurt."

"It makes me so angry when I think about that night, and the way those scumbags treated you," he continued with the same sense of angry frustration. "How could they do that to a sweet, innocent kid like you?" he asked, turning his chair so that he faced me once again. But there was a look in his eye that I sort of recognized. There was an intensity of focus combined with a certain emotional distance, as if the animal was taking over from the human. "So...you never finished telling me what happened to you that night, when you were in that room with Billy," he said in a quiet, almost hypnotic voice.

Why was he bringing that up now? It seemed like we were just starting to get some place, figuring out what was going on in Gary's head and what his hang-ups with me were all about. Now he wanted me to revisit that very unpleasant memory.

"You seemed to be getting really upset—I thought it was better to stop talking about it," I said, recalling our emotional conversation at the gas station.

"You said there was a camera in the room and Billy had some forms to fill out," Gary went on, picking up exactly where I had left off that evening.

"Well, yeah..." I said, letting my mind reluctantly go back to that night, that room, with Billy Zanterman sitting behind a desk, peering at me through those black framed glasses, with the imposing form of Zhen Woo standing guard by the door. "He said we had to do it in a certain order, and he said we had to follow it."

"And then what happened?" Gary asked, eyeing me intently.

I suddenly felt weird and uncomfortable again and my legs felt weak. "Is it okay if I sit down?" I asked.

"Like you were sitting on that sofa in that back room."

"Yeah..." I said, sitting once again on the edge of my bed. "You really want to hear about this?" I asked, remembering how scared and humiliated I had felt that night.

"Every detail. This might help," he said somewhat unconvincingly.

I wasn't sure how it was going to help anything, but I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. "So...yeah...first he told me to take off my shoes and socks...s-so that's what I did."

"Do it." Gary said, almost too quietly for me to hear.

"W-what...?"

"Do it...just like Billy said," he repeated, the words sounding urgent while his tone sounded strangely distant. He just sat there tensely in the swivel chair, leaning slightly forward, his hands clasped tightly against his stomach.

"You-you want me to take my shoes and socks off?" I asked uncertainly.

Gary just nodded stiffly. I got a twinge of that creepy feeling again, like when Billy looked at me; but this was Gary, someone I felt really good about, someone I wanted to help, not hurt. So I went ahead, toeing off my sneakers and peeling off my socks. I curled my toes into the soft carpet. It was strange to feel uncomfortable being barefoot in my own bedroom, but there it was. My heart was starting to beat faster in my chest and my mouth felt dry.

"That's good," Gary said in a quiet but tense voice. "What happened next?"

"Well, he had me walk over to his desk and..." I felt myself blush with embarrassment, "he made me show him the soles of my feet...like in case I had something hidden on them or something." I tried laughing a little at the ludicrousness of the idea but it just came out as a breathy sound from my nose.

"Okay, come here then," he urged me.

I slowly got up and walked up to him.

"Show me," he said with no inflection in his tone.

I turned and lifted my right foot to show him my sole, and then quickly shifted my balance to show him the other. Gees, this was embarrassing. "This is where Billy grabbed my ankle and like...really stared at my foot," I noted nervously. "I thought maybe he'd take a good whiff and pass out!"

I nearly toppled over when Gary's hand suddenly shot out and clamped onto my bare left ankle. I reached out and grasped the headboard of my bed to keep my balance. The grip of his large hand was uncomfortably tight. I turned to watch as he leaned in so close that I could feel his breath tickling my sole.

"Gary! Gees, don't get so close—you might pass out!" I tried joking, but he didn't let go. If anything, his grip around my ankle got even tighter.

"What's this?" Gary asked, pushing up the cuff of my pants enough to expose the light blue band clinging to my left ankle.

"Oh...er...that's from Jessica...she's like...my girlfriend."

"Cool," he said approvingly. "Was she one of the gals you went downstairs with?" he asked.

"Yeah, the—"

"Don't tell me," he said with a knowing smirk, "the pretty one."

I nodded. Even though Clarissa was older, taller and better developed, and they looked more like sisters than cousins, I did think Jessica was the prettier of the two, with more delicate features and less fussy clothes and make-up.

"Would you mind if I take that off...for now?" he asked carefully.

"Um...okay."

I felt Gary's fingers brush my ankle, nudging the cuff of my Dockers out of the way. I braced myself for the ticklish feeling of having that tight band dragged along the length of my foot, but still couldn't help but snicker as he got to my toes.

"Ticklish, huh?" Gary asked.

"Yeah," I admitted, as he finished pulling off the friendship band. He set it on the desk and then lowered his head again. I couldn't imagine what he was doing down there for so long, and I was getting really uncomfortable balancing on one foot while he kept a tight grip around my other ankle. Finally, he let go and I turned to look at him.

"This is gonna be harder than I thought," he noted grimly.

"Were you...?"

"Smelling your foot?" Gary asked with a thin smile. "Yeah, I guess I was. That smell, it's so great, so...intense and boyish, it just brought back tons of memories. Shane and I used to do some foot stuff when we were having our little sessions together."

"I'm so sorry about Shane," I told him.

Gary just shook his head dismissively. "This isn't about Shane. He's gone. That's the past," Gary said as if he was trying to convince himself that what he was saying was true. "You have beautiful feet, Perry. I was pretty curious to see what they looked like, but I wasn't expecting this. If the rest of you looks this good—"

"Well, my feet are probably my best part," I decided rather suddenly.

Gary looked at me skeptically and smiled thinly. "So what happened next?" he asked.

"Ummm...He had me bring my shoes and socks to him so he could look through them for...stuff, I guess."

Gary nodded. "Bring 'em on!" he said, pointing at my discarded footwear lying on the floor.

I scooped up my sneakers and socks and brought them over. Gary set them down on his lap and took my crumpled white socks out of my shoes, carefully straightened them out, and then draped them over his knees. Then he picked up one of my still-tied sneakers, carefully scrutinized it, and then held it up to his nose! He closed his eyes and I saw his chest expand as he took a deep breath, the way somebody would sniff a fresh flower. Well, my shoe was fresh all right—but gees! Then he took one sock in each hand and brought them up to his cheeks, rubbing them against his stubbled skin. He closed his eyes again, as if recalling some deeply personal memory, and his breathing was heavy and irregular. I thought about the socks I had hidden under my own pillow...Jesse's socks.

When he looked at me again, it was like his eyes were out of focus. He slowly lowered his hands. "This is so great," he uttered softly. He carefully stuffed my socks back into my sneaks as if nothing weird had just happened.

I started to reach for my shoes, but he shook his head. "No way, dude," he said with a slight, lopsided smile. "You're barefoot for the duration, Perry. This is just too awesome. I feel like a kid again. No, that's not right..." he muttered, "but I feel...something." he noted with a sense of confused frustration.

Wow, I hadn't expected Gary to be into this weird stuff—sniffing my shoes, smelling my feet, rubbing my socks in his face. No doubt he was yet another potential member of the Secret Foot Society. But it probably had more to do with his memories of Shane, and that was definitely sad. Gary probably didn't want to live in the past, but he couldn't help it. And it was frustrating that I was at least part of the reason that all these memories were coming back.

"So what happened next?" he asked, getting back to the strip search. Even as I shuddered at the memory, I understood now that he was using my experience as a sort of fantasy game. He wanted to see me undressed and this was his strange and roundabout way of doing it. Gary had admitted that he liked boys, even though he would have preferred not to. The fact that he found me at all attractive was actually kind of flattering, and the fact that he was making it into a strange little game somehow made it more palatable for both of us.

"Well, then I stood by the sofa and he told me to take off my shirt," I said. Gary nodded as I expected he would and I pulled my blue polo shirt off over my head. "Do you want it?" I asked.

He nodded and I playfully tossed it at him. He caught it with quick reflexes. He looked at me sheepishly, and then held the shirt up to his nose, taking in my scent.

His eyes had a glazed look for a moment, and then he focused on my chest. "Nice crucifix," he noted, still holding my shirt.

"Oh...uh...that's from Jessica too."

"Can I see?" he asked cautiously.

"Sure." I unclasped the thin silver chain link and handed it to him. He scrutinized it carefully, smiling as he read the inscription on the back.

"Cool...My mom got me a super fancy one, with diamonds and shit, for my Confirmation, but I hardly ever wear it."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "Too fancy to wear to school and games and shit, and...." He paused thoughtfully. "Sometimes, I don't know. I don't know why I should bother wearing it...what I should believe in."

"God turns everything into something good," I offered helpfully.

Gary didn't seem convinced. "Do you think He'd approve of what I wanted to do to you that day at the rummage sale...what I'm doing to you now?"

"The thing is, you didn't do anything bad to me that day. You rescued me, so that just proves my point."

"How so?"

"Well, you got to do something really good—even though you ended up getting hurt, which I'm really sorry about, and I made a new friend."

Gary just stared at me for the longest time, and I sensed there were a lot of things going on behind those dark eyes that I could only guess at. So I just stood there, waiting for him to tell me what to do next. I couldn't say that I was enjoying the experience, but I didn't feel any of the fear I had at Hode Ranch.

"So Billy, he just checked out your hot bod?" Gary asked, laying my shirt over the headboard of my bed.

"Uh, yeah, well...actually, I was feeling pretty warm in there even though I was half naked," I noted, trying to make a half-hearted joke.

Gary shook his head and smiled. "Perry, you're the cutest thing...I swear. I'm so mixed up. I hate it that I'm doing this to you, and yet I'm enjoying myself. I'm so sick."

"No, you're not," I assured him. "Please don't be so hard on yourself. I understand that when you see me, it's like you're thinking about Shane and the stuff you guys used to do."

"I don't remember thinking that Shane was so beautiful," Gary admitted. "I mean, we'd grown up together and seen each other naked since we were little kids. Don't get me wrong, he was a great looking kid, but I don't remember it being like that. It was more about us being around each other so much, having the same parts and playing games and getting each other off and shit like that."

I didn't know what to say about that. I wanted to believe that I really was physically attractive. After all, Jesse, Tom, and Jessica had told me the same thing, but I didn't see it when I looked in the mirror and that was confusing and frustrating. "Maybe it's just because I'm not all hairy and full of muscles like guys your age," I conjectured.

Gary laughed. "I've seen plenty of naked guys of every age, size, shape, and color, taking showers, changing into uniforms, or whatever," he said. "But I told you, before the rummage sale, I hadn't even thought about stuff like that since-since that time."

I knew what he was going to say, but I was glad he didn't. The idea that someone a little younger than me had actually taken his own life, possibly because he couldn't deal with the fact that another boy might have strong feelings for him, was one of the saddest things I could imagine. Poor Shane. Gary was such a cool, caring, sensitive guy. If only Shane had opened himself to the possibilities, he and Gary could have had what Jesse and I had now.

"Hey, what's with the weepy eyes?" Gary asked with sudden concern.

I realized my vision was blurred and there were pools of moisture at the bottoms of my big, stupid eyes. I quickly wiped them away with my bare arm and sniffled.

"Just thinking about you and Shane."

"Aw, that's really sweet, Perry. Don't go there. It's over. It's been over for a long time now, and I mostly just think about the good times we had—not just the sex stuff, but the sports, the sleepovers, the camping trips. He was a great kid and I just want to remember him that way. Is that cool with you?"

I nodded.

"Are you okay with what we're doing here?" he asked uncertainly.

"I'm not scared or anything, if that's what you mean."

Gary looked at me thoughtfully and seemed like he wanted to ask something else. Then he just shrugged. "So what happened next?"

"He told me to lock my hands behind my head," I remembered.

"Go for it," he said in a strangely unenthusiastic voice. It was like he was torn between wanting to see what I looked like, and not wanting to put me through this. I dutifully clasped my fingers behind my head, letting him get a good look at my nearly hairless armpits, my rib cage pressing clearly against my flat and narrow chest.

"See, nothing here worth looking at," I told him triumphantly.

"Then why am I getting hard as a rock?" he asked.

Gary had set my sneakers down so that the toes rested on the front of the chair seat and the heels were leaning up against his crotch, covering up any visible evidence of his claim. Still, there could be a good reason for his arousal that had very little to do with me.

"Because you're thinking about your friend," I offered.

"No.... You're the one thinking about him," he corrected me. "I'm thinkin' about you, Perry. Just you."

"Uh...do you want me to keep going?" I asked after I had stood there with my armpits fully exposed and my elbows pointing out to the sides of my head for a couple of minutes.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I feel like what we're doing—what I'm doing to you ain't right."

"It's okay," I assured him.

Gary sighed heavily. "Yeah, I wanna keep going," he agreed, almost as if he was talking to himself. Even though he had said that he had a boner, his hands remained clasped tightly against his belly.

"Well, then Billy told me to take off my pants, and he was getting pretty worked up and I was getting pretty angry."

"Angry?"

"Yeah, it was like he was looking at me like I was a piece of meat or something, and...it really pissed me off!" I recalled.

"That's so cool, Perry. Good for you!" He looked at me worriedly. "Are you angry now?"

I shook my head. "I'll do anything for you, Gary. I couldn't get angry at you." And to show I meant what I said, I quickly unbuckled my belt, undid the snap at the top of my Dockers, tugged down the zipper on my fly, and pulled my pants down my legs, using my feet to step out of them. I stood there in just my dark grey boxers, showing him my knobby knees and skinny legs. Of course, my anxiety had kept me from getting the least bit hard, so there was nothing unseemly showing through the loose material of my underwear.

I was almost naked in my own bedroom, which wasn't at all unusual, except for the fact that a seventeen year old guy was apparently getting hard watching me strip. I didn't feel good about undressing in front of this high school junior, but I didn't feel bad either. I knew why I was doing it even though I wasn't sure what Gary was getting out of it. Surely he must see some incredibly well built guys at Holy Trinity on a daily basis. They probably even took showers together. Those guys had big muscles; they worked out; their bodies were fully developed. I couldn't even compare to Morgan, who was just an eighth grader like me. How could I possibly compete with eleventh or twelfth graders?

I assumed he didn't want to go through my pants, so I tossed them on the bed, my wallet and keys still inside the pockets.

"How far did it go?" Gary asked, sounding as if he were afraid to ask the question.

"Well, of course he wanted me to finish stripping, but I just couldn't. I mean, I knew he was a-a...."

"Fag." Gary finished for me.

I nodded reluctantly. "And I just didn't want to give him the satisfaction."

"You were so brave, Perry," he said admiringly.

"Not really. Mostly just stupid. I mean, Billy started getting really pissed off and he was screaming at Zhen Woo to beat me up or something."

"But he didn't," Gary surmised.

"Well, Zhen Woo was a pretty hard guy to figure out, but I don't think he really wanted to hurt me." I admitted. "He might even have thought that I really was a blackbelt!" I added, remembering how the big guy had carefully kept his distance.

"What the...?"

"Yeah, it felt right to stand up to Billy, but I knew I couldn't win. Finally, Zhen Woo started coming towards me and I just got really desperate and took this Karate stance like I'd seen Jesse do." I got into my defensive pose with an appropriately intense sneer on my face and Gary's eyes lit up with approval.

"Look at yourself in the mirror, dude!" he said enthusiastically. "You look awesome! No wonder they all thought you were a blackbelt!"

He was referring to the dresser mirror across the room. I felt a shudder go through my whole body as I realized I didn't want to see myself like that, looking so incredibly stupid, posing meaninglessly in my boxers.

"But I was just bluffing," I told him as I dropped my stance. "It was all bullshit.... Can I...uh...get dressed now?" I asked, dropping my gaze to the carpet.

"So you didn't have to take off your boxers in front of Billy?"

"No. Zhen Woo got a call and I think it was Mr. Al-Jihuad. They had bumped me up in the schedule to fight the Karate Kid, so they wanted me to get downstairs right away."

"Man, that worked out just right, huh?" Gary asked with obvious relief.

"Yeah, it sure did. I was so lucky that night, the way everything worked out." I felt a little dizzy as my mind started racing through all the ways things could have gone wrong that evening.

"Sometimes when I think about it, I just wanna scream!" Gary admitted without shame.

I nodded in agreement. "So, uh...can I get dressed now?" I asked again.

He looked at me thoughtfully, and then a slight, hesitant grin appeared on his rough hewn face. "Well, if you'd turned out to be as plain and uninteresting as you claimed you were, I guess I'd say yes."

"You mean...you think I look good?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh yeah. You look just fine," Gary said. "And I know you don't get it, so don't get all bent out of shape about it, okay?" he added quickly.

I just nodded reluctantly.

"So now what?" I asked trepidatiously, figuring he'd want to see the whole enchilada at this point.

"I'm-I'm not sure," he admitted. He set my shoes down on the floor, and got out of the chair. He looked good in his white polo shirt, with broad shoulders, a smoothly curving chest, and a trim waistline, a real jock despite the shaggy hair and brooding looks.

He came by the bed and looked me deeply in the eye. I felt a shiver go down my spine as, for a brief moment, I thought I caught an actual glimpse of his soul. I couldn't see into it, but I could sense its warm and intimate presence. He laid his large hands on my bare shoulders and then slid them down my arms. He held my hands in his. He looked down at me as we stood so close that the toes of his basketball sneaks were touching my bare toes.

"I feel like kissing you," he revealed.

"That's okay," I assured him, trying to keep my voice from quavering.

"Is it?" he asked, his warm smile turning slightly sour.

I tilted my head a little so that he could kiss me on the cheek. His hands squeezed mine a little tighter as he leaned in and pressed his lips against my skin. It felt so strange, feeling the stubble on his chin and the dryness of his lips. He pulled back and then caressed the cheek he had just kissed with his fingers. The strange expression on his face was a mixture of guilt and pleasure. He leaned in again and lightly holding my chin, his lips found mine. I thought about kissing him back, to show that I really did like him and feel good about him, but I knew Jesse wouldn't approve. He felt it was important that we maintain our 'straightness,' and so that was clearly my priority, even with someone I liked as much as Gary. I just held my breath while he kissed my lips.

After a minute or so of light pressure and just a little chewing action, he released me. "Strange when only one person's doing the kissing," he observed.

"Sorry," I apologized sheepishly.

"Nothing to apologize for, but man, you sure taste good...for a boy!" he said with mild astonishment.

"You need a shave!" I pointed out.

Again there seemed to be mixed emotions playing across his rugged face, but I recognized the physical passion burning inside him. I trembled a little as I felt his hands touch my sides. They slid slowly down my rib cage, too slowly to cause any tickling sensation, and eventually, they rested on the waistband of my boxers.

"Should I do this?" he asked, and I knew what he meant.

"If you think it's important," I told him.

Our gazes remained locked as I felt his fingers slip inside the elastic waistband. I felt my dick twitch slightly as his fingers brushed my bare hips. I realized that I actually wanted him to go through with it, to get it over with. I knew there was nothing down there that would intrigue a physically fit seventeen year old. I held my breath as I felt him pulling the fabric away from my skin on either side. All he needed to do now was pull them down—

Suddenly, he released a heavy breath, spun around, and flopped back into the swivel chair, snapping the waist band of my boxers back against my skin. He looked tired and confused, and cradled his forehead in one hand. I wondered if he was crying. I started to come closer.

"You...should get dressed now," he said without looking up.

"Are you sure?"

There was a long pause. His chest rose and fell heavily. "No...I'm not sure." He moved his hand from his face and looked up at me. "If I didn't think I would be betraying T.... Oh man...I never thought...." I could hear the tightness in his voice that hinted that there was a lot more going on inside. Gary was dealing with his own turbulent ocean of feelings, conflicting thoughts, powerful emotions, and raging hormones.

"You know I'm still willing to do that thing for you," I reminded him, "that thing from your fantasy."

"You're tempting me again, Perry," he warned. "I already feel bad about this."

"Why?"

"Why?" he echoed with exasperation. "I used what was a horrible experience for you and twisted it into my own fantasy."

"I understand that," I told him calmly, "but I don't feel the same way now as I did when I was with Billy. I knew you wanted to see me like this."

"I want to see more," he admitted grudgingly.

"Then why don't you?"

He bit his lower lip, his eyes darting randomly from me to the floor to his own knees as his mind tried to sort things out. "You would be okay with that?" he asked me again.

"I...I think so," was the best I could manage.

"But you understand that I'd be looking at you, not like a guy checks out another guy, but, like...sexually."

"Well, I think, once you have a look, all your fantasies and stuff will just sorta...evaporate," I predicted. "I'm not especially well endowed or anything."

"Come here," he said.

I came up to where he was sitting.

"Tell me to stop," he warned me. Then he reached out a hand and tentatively pressed his fingers against my crotch. He explored me gently for just the briefest amount of time, feeling my shrunken cock and scrotum before he withdrew. "You're not even hard," he noted.

"Should I be?"

Gary laughed uneasily. "No, I don't think so. But I sure am...and you taking off your boxers isn't gonna help, I guarantee it."

"Why not?"

"Because I will like what I see," he told me adamantly. "I know that for a fact."

"I guess...I guess I could live with that. Like I said, if it's important to you...." I felt like I was making Gary suffer. It was like I was teasing him by standing here in my boxers when he wanted so desperately to see me naked. But I couldn't bring myself to just do it myself. Besides, what if he really didn't want to see me and was just momentarily horny and confused? I'd feel so embarrassed later.

"Believe me, it is important. I've been fantasizing about it for weeks."

"Yeah, you told me," I said, recalling the vision he had while waiting for his turn outside the men's room where Goreski was trying to force his dick down my throat. "So what's the problem?"

"The problem is, I shouldn't be doing this to you. You're younger than me, you're straight, you think you owe me something but you don't."

"You can't tell me that," I pointed out. "It's my choice if I feel like I owe you."

Gary sighed. "Yeah...I guess. You're something, Perry. You're amazing and I-I want you. But seeing you naked...." He shook his head. "That's something you should save for your girlfriend...not for a fucked up shithead like me."

I thought of Jessica's desire to do exactly that, and I realized I was more frightened by the idea of her seeing me that way, than Gary. "But you're hard,"I pointed out. "Don't you want some relief?"

"Yeah, I do, and honestly, I'd like nothing more than to feel your sweet lips around my dick...but I'd hate myself if I let you do that."

"But I'm willing!" I insisted even as I cringed inwardly. Seeing clearly for the first time the way Gary was built, I suspected that his dick had to be larger than Morgan's, maybe even as huge as Goreski's disgusting member. Could I really take something like that into my mouth?

"Your lips say one thing, but your eyes say something else!" Gary noted with a sardonic smile.

My big, stupid eyes! "Then let me do...something for you," I pleaded.

Gary looked me intently in the eye, and I could see the fear, the apprehension and the guilt, mixed with the lust and desire, the craving for some sexual experience between us. I imagined it was like a war going on in his head, with reason, society's views of what was normal, and a lifetime of Catholic teaching and morality fighting his emotions and instincts. Slowly, his gaze moved down my nearly naked body.

"You have the sexiest feet, Perry," he noted with a slight grin.

"I don't know about that, but I bet you won't forget the smell any time soon!" I joked.

"No I won't. I could totally get off, just with your shoes and socks," he admitted, and I immediately thought of poor Tom, kneeling on the floor of our hotel room, with Jesse's shoes on his feet and my socks on his hands.

"I do have an idea...but it's pretty gross," he warned me.

I shrugged. I could feel as well as see the sexual frustration in Gary's demeanor. Letting him get his rocks off with me didn't seem like too high a price to pay for everything he had done for me. Besides, he was being so open and honest about his feelings, and I just thought that was great. I so wished I could do the same.

"Before I get totally carried away here, I gotta ask you something pretty weird, okay?"

"I'm kinda losing track of what exactly 'weird' means," I admitted, feeling a little giddy, like this whole thing wasn't actually happening.

Gary laughed and I laughed with him. "That's so true. I'm a very weird guy, Perry."

"Everyone's pretty weird when you come down to it," I realized.

"Even you," Gary noted, "but in a good way. You don't seem to have all the sexual hang-ups I would expect from a kid your age. You're so open and honest about everything...not to say you're exactly comfortable with all this shit, because I can see you're not, but still, the fact that you're able to deal with this at all.... It's really awesome."

For some reason, when someone started to compliment me, it made me feel guilty, like I was somehow deceiving that person. "You said you wanted to ask me something," I reminded him.

"Yeah," he said nervously. "I wanted to know if you've ever seen another guy...you know," he cleared his throat uncomfortably, "ejaculate?"

I hesitated only for a few moments, clearly recalling Morgan's jizz blasting up to his face while I clutched his rock hard dick in my hand. I nodded, figuring he was going to ask me to do something like that for him.

"I guess everyone experiments a little, huh?" he asked. "I honestly don't want to pry, but I hope it was a-a good experience," he added with some concern.

I shrugged. "It was...okay, I guess."

"Well, I had this crazy idea how I could get a little relief, play out a little fantasy without you having to blow me or get naked."

"What do you want me to do?" I asked quietly.

"Hmmm...I'm just trying to think what the best way to do this is."

While Gary pondered the logistics of his 'little fantasy,' I noted that there was a slight grin of anticipation on his rugged face. I couldn't say that he was relaxed, but I got the sense that he was allowing himself to get into this, and I felt good about that.

"Actually," he said, his grin getting a little bigger, "I think I know how to do this. The thing that's going through my fucked up head right now is how I'm gonna explain all this to T!"

"Be sure to tell her that you didn't make me do anything," I reminded him. "In fact, I'll tell her myself if you want."

A few tears suddenly trickled down Gary's cheeks even though he was still smiling. "You...you need to be...less nice to me," he said, his voice choking with emotion. "I can't take it."

"Hey, I'm sorry," I offered, feeling my eyes empathetically pooling with moisture as well. "I can't help it if I like you. And the way you risked your life for me—"

"Enough!" he said gruffly, and I thought for a moment that I was going to get a repeat of his outburst at the gas station. But he just wiped the tears from his eyes with his bare forearm. "Let's just do this...or I'm gonna cream my pants!"

He got to his feet and immediately pulled off his polo shirt, revealing a broad chest that looked like it had been cast in solid, flesh-colored steel. There was a patch of curly black hair that started below his neck and formed a 'V'-like patch across the tops of his hardened pecs. There were tufts of axillary hair sprouting from his armpits. There was no hair visible on his well defined abs, but there was a distinct trail that began at his belly button and disappeared into the tops of his Dockers.

"Gees," I muttered out loud.

"Huh?" Gary asked innocently, and then seeing where I was staring smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I do some weightlifting to stay in shape. Basketball don't exactly build you up."

"I feel so...stupid, so skinny and..." I stammered, crossing my arms over my bare chest, suddenly feeling small and cold and exposed.

"Hey, that's not what this is about!" he told me quickly. He came up to me and slowly forced my arms back to my sides. I could feel the heat coming off his torso and the slightly musky scent of his body. "I already told you I think you're beautiful. Didn't you hear me?"

I nodded, but looked down at my feet in shame.

"Oh, Perry," he moaned, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in so that our bare torsos were pressed together. Because he was taller than me, my head ended up tucked against his thickly muscled neck, my face against his broad shoulder. I could also clearly feel his hardon pressing against my belly.

I felt his lips touch my bare shoulder and slowly work their way up my neck. I thought he was going to go for my mouth again, but he breathlessly pushed himself away. "Oh man, this is not good," he groaned. "You should tell me to stop."

"I can't do that," I told him sincerely.

"Alright then.... Let's do this crazy thing. I'll never ask you to do anything like this again—I swear!"

"Don't swear. Just let me make you happy," I told him.

He reached up a hand and caressed my cheek the way Jesse did. There was no sexual spark there, as his large fingers brushed my skin, but there was an undeniable tenderness that moved me.

"This is just two guys experimenting," I declared, trying to convince myself as much as Gary.

He nodded hesitantly. He got down on the floor and stretched himself out, so that he was lying at my feet, parallel to the bed. His head was towards the foot of the bed while his feet pointed towards the bathroom. "Sit," he said, looking up at me.

I sat on the edge of the bed, my toes nearly touching his waist.

"Now lift your feet," he said.

When I raised my legs, he scooted himself even closer to the bed. "Go ahead," he said in a hushed voice. "Just set your feet right on my gut."

It didn't seem like a very respectful thing to do, but it was clear that he knew what he wanted. I first touched him tentatively with my toes, and then lowered my heels. It felt a little like I was resting on a thin layer of very dry jello, and I was careful not to apply any pressure. I could feel the occasional twinge of his hard muscles and the tiny hairs on his abdomen tickled my soles.

"Go ahead, put some weight on your feet," he insisted.

I did as he said, sliding my butt a little closer to the edge of the bed and pressing my bare feet onto his stomach. Now I could clearly feel the rock hard abs beneath the thin layer of smooth skin just above his belly button.

"Ohhh...maaaaaaan..." he crooned, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath. He smiled, something that always looked a little incongruous on that rugged face. Seeing Gary's smile gave me a little more confidence, and I moved my feet in small circles around his belly. He laughed. "Oh...that rocks!" he moaned with pleasure.

He opened his eyes and lifted himself up on his elbows. "Okay, Per. I can't hold on much longer. I hope this doesn't freak you out!" he warned with a sheepish grin. He reached over my feet and unbuckled his belt and pulled it completely out. He tossed it carelessly across the room before undoing the button at the top of his black Dockers. I could feel those amazing abdominals supporting his entire upper body as he used his hands to unzip his fly. I was startled to see to what extent his boxers were tented. He really was worked up! Then he grabbed his Dockers and plaid boxers and shimmied both down his thighs, rising nearly to a sitting position, pushing his clothes down past his knees but stopping before he got to the tops of his socks. He still had on his huge Nike basketball sneaks. Then he laid back, giving me a few seconds to take in the view. And what a view it was! He had a very thick black pubic bush that blossomed from the slender trail of hair that started at his belly button. He also had quite a bit of hair on his thighs. Large, pinkish brown balls hung loosely between his slightly outspread legs. His dick wasn't as massive as Goreski's, but it was bigger than Morgan's, both in length and girth. The smooth head was a very dark pink and was leaking small globs of translucent precum. His penis seemed especially broad and thick to me and I felt my stomach turn, imagining trying to take that into my mouth. If either he or Goreski had gotten me to somehow suck them off that day, I think it would have driven me totally mad.

"You okay?" he asked with concern.

I slowly nodded, forcing my eyes to move from his groin to his worried face. "Does Theresa get...that?" I asked in awe.

Gary smiled proudly. "She loves it!" he crowed. "Now go ahead, Per, just put your foot right on it. Don't be afraid."

Man, this was the weirdest thing I'd ever done, weirder than jacking off Morgan, weirder than watching Tom blow his load with my socks on his hands...weirder even than Jesse pretending to be an alien and tying me to his bed! Slowly, I lifted my foot. Again, I first probed delicately with my toes, brushing the top of his thick, curving shaft.

"Don't be afraid," he urged me. He grabbed my foot by the ankle and pressed my toes against his shaft and then moved it around. My toes slid across the paper thin skin and it felt like there was a steel pipe inside, a hot and throbbing steel pipe!

"Mmmmm...awesome," he growled with pleasure, his chest rising and falling heavily. Still grasping my right ankle, he moved my foot further down so that my toes were now caressing the tenderness of his ballsac. "Press down," he urged me, and as I did so, I was able to actually feel his hard testicles in the midst of the weird, silky-gelatinous texture of his scrotum. Now he grasped my left ankle and moved that foot from his stomach onto his hard, throbbing shaft. He rolled the ball of my foot across it several times, groaning with pleasure at the stimulation.

"Okay, time to bring this baby home!" he declared, and took both my feet and set them side by side on his fat cock. "Go ahead, put as much weight as you can on it," he pleaded. He still grasped my ankles firmly as I put some more weight on my feet.

"More!" he begged me, "You won't hurt me, I swear—more!"

I lifted my butt off the bed and balanced on my arms as I directed more of my weight downwards. The balls of my feet rolled slightly against the thin skin that encased his rock hard erection. Gary was totally off in his own place now, groaning and moaning, squeezing my ankles so tightly that I thought I would have to scream. I forced more weight onto my feet and he started pushing against me, actually managing to lift his hips in the air despite the downward pressure I was putting on his massive dick. Finally, his face contorted into an orgasmic grimace, his body froze in mid-arch, and I actually could feel, through the soles of my feet, the semen being pumped through his shaft before it shot out in a huge blast. Because I had his penis flattened up against his belly, the cum wasn't able to fly as far as it might have otherwise. Instead, a large milky puddle instantly formed on his upper belly, splattering all the way across his broad chest.

"Oh...fuck...man...!" he crowed loud enough to fill the room and probably the whole house. Several lesser blasts of thick and gooey jizz forced their way through his hardon before he slowly lowered his butt back to the floor.

"My...ankles," I finally gasped in pain.

"Oh, shit!" Gary cried, finally becoming aware of how hard he was holding on to me. He let go and I pulled my legs up on the bed, rubbing the circulation back into my throbbing ankles.

"You okay?" Gary gasped breathlessly from the floor.

"Yeah...sure," I replied, trying to keep the pain out of my voice.

"I sorta lost it there," he noted, and that was certainly an understatement! He exhaled heavily. "Man...that was something...some-un-fuckin'-believable thing!"

As the pain subsided somewhat, I looked back down to see Gary's six foot two frame still fully stretched out along the side of my bed, a huge pool of slick, translucent spooge gleaming on his belly, his semi-erect penis starting to give in to the pull of gravity, his pants and underwear accordioned around his shins, his sneakered feet splayed out at nearly ninety degree angles.

"Thank you, thank you," he muttered breathlessly. "That was just fuckin' incredible!"

"Let me get a towel for you," I offered, scooting towards the head of the bed so I could step over his feet.

"Wait," Gary said breathlessly. "Wait just a sec," he urged. "Come here," he beckoned with one hand, his chin pressed up against his chest so that he could see me.

I came and stood near his shoulder.

"Put your foot on my belly again," he urged.

"But's it's covered with—"

"Yeah," he answered quickly.

I moved to his naked waist and tentatively dipped my big toe into the gooey puddle of Gary's spent seminal fluid. He quickly grabbed my right ankle and pressed my whole foot into the slowly coagulating mess.

"Ugh!" I groaned instinctively, feeling the warm, sticky gunk covering my toes and the bottom of my foot.

Still holding my ankle, Gary sat up. "Put your hand on my shoulder," he warned me, and I barely had time to do as he told me before he pulled my leg towards his head and brought my toes to his mouth.

His tongue extended out nearly full length and began licking his own jizz off my foot! He began with my big toe, licking all around before moving on to the others. I stooped awkwardly and held tight to his broad, tightly muscled shoulder. I couldn't help but snicker a little at the tickling sensation, but I was more shocked than anything else. Then his wide, flat tongue began working on my spunk-covered sole and now it tickled like crazy. I started giggling, and then laughing uncontrollably.

"Stop!" I gasped between hoarse bouts of laughter. "Stop—It tickles!"

But Gary didn't stop, at least not right away. He continued holding my ankle in a firm grasp as his tongue licked from my toes to my heel, over and over again. Surely, there couldn't be a drop of cum left on my foot after such a thorough bath, but still he didn't stop.

"Please...!" I cried. "Gary...stop!" I was still laughing hysterically when I realized I could no longer feel his tongue. My ankle easily slipped out of his grip now, and I stumbled back, light-headed with tears blurring my vision.

"Wow, you're really ticklish!" Gary noted with a wide grin, bits of milky white jizz still visible on his chin and the corners of his mouth. He began laughing as well, and pretty soon both our throats were dry and we began coughing.

I felt weak kneed and I tried to lower myself gently to the floor. Instead, I just fell flat on my butt, my legs splayed, the soles of my feet pointing towards Gary. I was totally shocked by my sudden landing and I'm sure my face showed it! That seemed incredibly funny somehow and we both started laughing hysterically again.

"Oh...man..." he moaned, wiping the tears from his eyes, and then his expression suddenly turned very serious. I wondered if I was bleeding or something.

"What?" I asked confusedly, my gut aching from laughing so hard.

But I had only to follow the line of his gaze to see the way the front of my boxers were tenting out. Damn! I'd been doing so well until the tickling part. Now I was clearly sporting wood and there was very little I could do to hide it. Besides, Gary had noticed it even before I had. We both looked at each other, but Gary's eyes kept going from my face to my crotch. Obviously, he was intrigued.

"That's what you get for ticking my feet!" I chided, but it didn't come out nearly as funny as I had intended.

Gary quickly picked himself up and was suddenly crouching between my outspread legs. He was still mostly naked and it was clear that he was becoming aroused again. He looked like he was hypnotized as his hand slowly reached out towards my crotch. I didn't know if he was going to pull it out, or just grab it right through the thin material of my boxers. Suddenly, he lurched to his feet.

"No...this-this is bad," he muttered. He stood there with his Dockers bunched at his ankles, the remnants of his own semen starting to creep down his belly towards its point of origin. He started backing away, shuffling awkwardly because his legs were trapped in his pants.

"I'm...I'm sorry," I apologized fearfully. "I didn't mean—"

Gary shook his head, and he looked more like he had in Herbie's parking lot on Saturday night. Whatever enjoyment he had gotten out of our kinky little jack off session had evaporated. He was again thinking about something that he really didn't want to think about.

"I-I need to get cleaned up," he stammered.

"Sure. Help yourself to whatever you need. There's lots of towels and stuff in the bathroom." I just sat there, willing my erection to go down. But it was being stubborn for some reason, and the evidence of my arousal was obvious.

Gary started shuffling towards the bathroom once again, with his pants and underwear down around his ankles. It could've been a funny scene under different circumstances. I noted that he had a great looking ass, with firm cheeks and only a little hair at the top, near the small of his back. He also had a very light tan line, suggesting that he more than likely did some nude sunbathing. He stopped at the door and turned his head back to look at me. He had that hungry look in his eyes. I saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed a lump in his throat. I finally released the breath I'd been holding when he closed the door. I debated whether or not to jack myself off before he came out. The thing was, I didn't know if he'd be in there for thirty seconds or five minutes. What if I started and he suddenly came out?

God, I was feeling so horny! I pulled the bedcovers down and quickly tugged my boxers off. I knelt on the bed and reached under my pillow looking for Jesse's socks. Shit—they weren't there! I began to panic and then remembered I had hidden them before the Disneyland trip, knowing that the maid always came on Mondays and changed all the linens in the house. I stuffed a hand desperately between my mattress and box spring. I pulled out one of Jesse's socks and slipped it over my raging boner. Oh man! The sock that had been on Jesse's beautiful, bare, sexy foot was now surrounding my dick. I stroked myself through the fabric of the cotton crew sock, harder and harder until... Mmmmmmmmmm...I felt the spunk blasting out of my shaft into the toe of the sock. I squeezed and squeezed until the spasms stopped shaking my body.

Just then, I heard the doorknob rattle. Gary was coming out! With the sock still around my wilting cock, I pulled the bedcovers right up to my chin.

"Whoa. Am I interrupting something?" he asked with obvious embarrassment.

"I-I'm done," I stuttered, equally flustered by his sudden appearance. He was still shirtless, but his pants were back up where they belonged, and he looked really good, with those broad shoulders, solid chest and washboard stomach. Knowing where that narrow trail of hair around his belly button led, made my spent dick twitch a little in envy. I didn't think I'd ever have a package like that!

"Whew! That was incredible dude...just fuckin' incredible!" He managed a tentative smile.

"Uh...could you...uh...hand me my boxers?" I asked sheepishly.

"Huh? Oh, shit!" Gary said. "I almost stepped on 'em!" He stooped and scooped up the flimsy garment. He held them near his face for a long moment before handing them to me. "Do you want me to step out for a minute?" he asked uncomfortably.

"Well...no...that's okay," I assured him. I tugged the cum-soaked sock off my deflated member and cast it towards the wall side of the bed. Then I got my boxers situated properly and stuffed my legs in. All this activity was of course done 'undercover.'

"Mind if I join you?" Gary asked with a sheepish grin.

Gary wanted to get into bed with me?! I tried to hide my shock as I found myself slowly nodding. I watched as he toed his sneakers off. Then he came and sat next to me—on top of the covers. He rested his bare back against the headboard, stretched out his Dockers-clad legs and crossed his ankles. I glanced down at his wide feet. He had on white socks with grey patches on the toes and heels.

"H-How big are those?" I asked.

"Fifteens! And believe me, they don't smell nearly as sweet as yours!" he pointed out facetiously.

We sat like that for a few minutes, each lost in his own thoughts. I saw Gary's six pack rise and fall and his chest swell as he released a heavy sigh.

"Man...Perry. What're we gonna do? I mean...I can't believe I did that stuff. Are you like, totally pissed?"

"That was the weirdest thing I ever did!" I admitted with a smile. I squirmed up so that I was also leaning my bare back against the headboard.

"I'm so sorry, dude. I don't know what got into me!"

"Horny got into you!" I pointed out with a giggle.

"Yeah...it sure did!"

"Did you and Shane do that?"

Gary shook his head resolutely, causing his shaggy black hair to flap around. "No way! That was definitely a first for me too."

"Cool," I said.

"Really?" Gary asked in astonishment. "I mean, you're really okay with what we did?"

I shrugged. "It was really weird, and I was embarrassed to, you know, get undressed in front of you, but that last part...that was...really weird!" I repeated helplessly.

"Aw, Perry. I dunno, man. I'm so sorry. I made you go through that awful experience at the ranch again...just for my pleasure. That's so sick—"

"I didn't mind," I assured him. "You just made a game out of it and I just wanted to show you there was nothing to get excited about."

"Yeah, you sure did a good job of that!" Gary laughed. "You are—" He paused abruptly in mid-sentence.

"What?" I asked fearfully.

"You're so fuckin' hot, Perry Thompson!" he said with a bona fide ear to ear grin.

I felt myself blush. "I'm not, Gary. I know I'm not. Why do people say things like that?"

"Well, I don't know what other people you're talking about, but to me, you're just this incredibly gorgeous lookin' kid! Beautiful eyes, tight bod, warm heart...and I'll never forget what we did today—ever!"

Gary did seem really happy, and that was a big change from...from every other time I'd been with him. Obviously, his good memories of Shane and what they had together as kids were influencing how he felt, and that was fine with me.

"You're like a hundred times better looking than me," I assured him. "Look at all those muscles. And your...."

"Manpole?" he asked with an embarrassed smirk.

I giggled. "Yeah, your manpole! It's just...awesome!"

Gary shrugged modestly. "I don't think it's anything remarkable for a guy my age," he noted modestly. "Although T. seems to like it just fine." He brought his hand up to his forehead. "Man, what'm I gonna tell her?" he asked fearfully.

It was kind of funny that Gary was afraid of crossing Theresa the same way I was afraid of messing up with Jessica. Women might look like the fairer, weaker sex, but they sure had something going on, some strong and domineering hold over guys, and maybe that was how things were supposed to balance out.

"I want so much for us to be friends, dude," he pleaded. "But I just don't know."

"I don't know either," I told him in a fearful tone. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

He seemed momentarily taken aback by my question and then shrugged. "I got an older brother...but I don't see him much any more. He lives up in L.A."

"That's cool. I bet he's awesome," I said. "But I was thinking...maybe we weren't exactly meant to be friends." I saw the look of disappointment on Gary's face and I almost felt like laughing so I went on quickly. "I was thinking that, instead of being friends, maybe...maybe you could be like...my big brother," I suggested bashfully.

I saw the surprised look on Gary's rugged face melt. I saw tears start to well in the bottoms of his dark eyes and I had the fleeting sense once more that I had somehow glimpsed his soul, and maybe, by the way he was looking at me, he had glimpsed mine as well.

"Brothers...?" he asked hesitantly.

"I know...it's a stupid idea..." I began to apologize, flushed with emabarrasment.

Gary put a finger to my lips to shush me. "That's a totally bitchin' idea," he said quietly. "I love it. You'd really wanna be like, my little bro?"

"Well, not exactly. I mean, we're not related or anything, but it just seems like, with you being older than me, and having saved my sorry ass twice already, and everything we've been through, that being friends just isn't enough, ya know?"

"I get it," he said. "But Perry, dude, don't get me wrong, I totally love the idea of being like your big bro or whatever, but what about-about the sex stuff? Big brothers don't lust after their little bros."

"Don't you think, now that you've seen me, most of me anyway, that you can like, get over that stuff?" I asked hopefully.

Gary looked at me with teary eyes, and then slipped his big arm behind my neck, resting his hand on my bare shoulder. "Oh man, Perry. I want to get over it—I really do. I want to be your big brother so bad...."

"You know, I don't think it's such a big deal for brothers to do...silly things together."

"Like experimenting?" Gary suggested.

"Yeah, like that. Didn't you used to mess around with your big brother?"

"Well, there was some messing around all right, but it usually involved him beating the crap out of me!"

"I'm sorry."

"No, dude. It's okay. It's just how it is between brothers, sibling rivalry or whatever. It don't mean nothin'." The way he said it made me think that it did mean something, and maybe things hadn't been great between him and his brother.

"Well, I don't like that sibling rivalry part," I noted, "but I think I'd be okay like...experimenting with you sometimes, as long as it didn't do anything to mess up what you have with T."

"That's very cool, Per...Little Bro," he said with a warm smile. "But I have to think about that. As much as I loved what happened here today, I still don't know if it's right or not. I've gotta talk to T. about this. Don't know how much detail I wanna go into though," he smiled embarrassedly.

"I'm with you there," I added quickly. "She doesn't need to know all that...weird stuff. Just that we've decided to be like...brothers!"

"Yeah...like brothers!" Gary repeated. "And ya know what big brothers always get to do to little brothers?" he asked with a sly grin.

"What?"

He pulled me towards him with the crook of his arm and then began grinding his knuckles vigorously into the top of my head. "Noogies, noogies, noogies!" he laughed.

"Stop!" I cried, but I was laughing too. When he finally let go, I patted my hair back down as best I could and scowled menacingly at him. "Little brothers sometimes do things to big brothers too, ya know!" I reminded him. He looked at me, an expectant grin on his face. I leaned in, fluttering my long lashes and giving him a sweet smile, pretending like I was going to kiss one of his nipples, and then at the last second, I grabbed one of his curly black chest hairs between my teeth...and pulled!

"Yeow!" Gary cried, nearly falling off the bed. "Shit!" He rubbed his chest where I had wrenched the small hair from out of his flesh. I looked at him worriedly, afraid that I might have gone too far. Gary set his jaw firmly and glared malignantly at me. "That was uncalled for, dude—Now you die!" he declared. Then he pulled the covers down and leaned over so that he could begin administering massive lip farts to my belly.

"Stop...stop!!" I laughed and cried at the same time, flopping around helplessly as Gary's lips vibrating against my tummy made that grossly disgusting sound. Oh man, did it tickle! Finally, we both sat back, exhausted and breathing heavily.

Suddenly Gary poked me in the chest. "Little boy tits!" he noted, mocking my earlier diatribe. "An innie!" he said, poking me in the belly, where there were now wet red marks from his lips.

"Pointy elbows, knobby knees, and big stinky feet!" I finished for him.

"Don't remind me about those awesome feet, dude! I could eat those for dinner!"

"I think you pretty much sucked all the taste out of them!"

"That was only the right foot!" he reminded me with a mischievous grin. I definitely didn't want Gary messing with my feet and possibly getting me hard again. "Okay, okay!" I said. "You win. I'll be good!"

"You are good, Perry. You're incredibly good!"

I really did feel like I had a big brother just then. I felt so comfortable being with him, I hardly even felt self-conscious about lying next to him wearing just my boxers. I thought about the fact that he had seen me sporting wood, and that he had licked his own jizz off my foot, and it should have freaked me out...but it didn't. It was just the silly stuff that brothers did; nothing serious, nothing deep. Just two guys who were so close, they could goof around with each other and just have fun. And yet I knew that, if I ever got in trouble, Gary would be there to help me out. I truly wished it could be like that. Not that I ever wanted to get in a situation where I had to be rescued again, but just that, it would be so much better if it was Gary doing the rescuing rather than Jesse. It was too much for my sweet and fragile angel. He had been absolutely right when he had told me months ago that violence didn't solve anything. It just caused more problems, and it had caused us plenty. It was because of that violence, and the lies we had spawned to cover up those incidents, that I wasn't able to see my beautiful blond boyfriend. Now on top of everything else, we had Deanna Kennedy to worry about as well.

I leaned my head against Gary's hard, furry chest and was comforted by the solid thump of his heartbeat. I threw one arm across his belly. He began to stroke my hair and I just closed my eyes, feeling the rock-hard strength of my big brother.

I felt something drop on my hair, and then heard Gary sniffle. I looked up to see streams of silent tears running down his face and dribbling off his chin.

"What's the matter?!" I asked in shock.

Obviously embarrassed, Gary quickly used his bare arm to wipe away as much of the moisture as he could. He sniffled again.

"You trust me," he said in a quiet, hoarse voice, much thinner then his usual resonant tone.

"Yeah...of course."

Gary shook his head. "No, dude. That's not right."

"What do you mean?" I asked, wiggling a little away from the seventeen year old and leaning my bare back once again against the headboard.

"I totally took advantage of you today," he pointed out, and it was clear, from the tears and emotion in his strained voice, that he really meant that.

"Maybe you see it that way, but I don't," I assured him. "I feel like you had a chance to...to do some things you haven't done in a long time and it seems like, well...it seemed like...you were happy and stuff."

"I was...I am happy, Per," he insisted. "But I also know what I did wasn't right, and that you shouldn't be so trusting."

"Why...are you gonna hurt me?" I asked with only moderate concern.

"If I ever hurt you, I'd hate myself for the rest of my miserable life. But I'm not talkin' just physical hurt."

"What do you mean?" It was more than a little disconcerting to see a big muscular guy like Gary being so emotional and vulnerable.

"I told you already, that I wanted to see you naked," he reminded me.

"And I said that would be okay," I reminded him.

Gary shook his head again, causing his shaggy black hair to spill across his forehead. "No, it's not okay. It's-it's a bad thing, a wrong thing. For me to see or touch you in your...private areas, that would be letting the basest part of my being win out over the...over the part that knows better," he explained as best he could.

"Okay," I replied. "Then I'll just keep my pants on!" I smiled.

Gary started to laugh, but suddenly the tears started pouring out again. Wow, I'd never seen a big guy like this blubber so much!

"Gary, stop it—you're freakin' me out!" I implored.

"I...I can't help it. Shit...this is just ridiculous!" he sniffled. I felt his body shake with inner spasms as he tried to control the sobs that kept erupting from his throat.

I waited for him to calm down, wondering how I had caused this brave and sensitive high schooler so much pain. I wanted to tell him that seeing me naked would instantly quash any sexual thoughts he had about me, but I was afraid that would set him off again.

"Okay...okay, dude," he finally muttered. "Look, Per, I know you're just trying to be a good friend, but you can't just willingly give yourself like this."

I impulsively grabbed one of his thick arms and laid it right on top of my boxers. He looked at me with a shocked expression.

"Gees, Gary!" I exclaimed with some exasperation. "What do you think is in there? A three foot long ramrod or something?"

"No, of course not!" Gary replied, quickly taking his hand back. "I know what you've got. I mean, I know what a fourteen year old's package looks like. It isn't about the anatomy. It's about the feelings it arouses in me. Screwed up, lustful feelings."

I wasn't sure that physical lust by itself was really bad. When Billy had looked at me in that hungry, animalistic way, it sent shivers down my spine and twisted my gut with disgust, but when Jesse looked at me that way, it thrilled me, and filled me with warmth and good feelings. Not only that, I felt the same lust for him as he did for me. I didn't feel anything like that for Gary even though I admired his well-toned physique and generous endowment. But he had those feelings—or thought he did, because of his relationship with Shane, a relationship that had started out innocently, and turned into the worst nightmare possible.

"I'm really sorry I make you feel this way," I said helplessly. "I wish I could fix it somehow."

"This is something I have to fix myself," Gary replied. "But you have to help me too. You can't be...offering yourself to me like this. It's like...a horrible temptation. What happened today shouldn'ta happened. Maybe you really don't get it, but you just have to take my word for it."

"If I was older, would you feel the same way?"

"I-I don't know," he admitted. "I feel like...I love your idea about us being like brothers...having the kind of relationship brothers should have even if in reality, it mostly don't work out that way. I'd be so into that, it's not even funny.... But if I'm thinking about you in a sexual way, then that's clearly and plainly, like totally fucked, right?"

I guessed it would be bad for one brother to be sexually attracted to another. The ultimate result would be incest, and that was clearly wrong.

"But we're not really brothers," I pointed out.

Gary sighed heavily. I could see that this conversation was as emotionally draining for him as it was puzzling and frustrating for me.

"If I jerk you off—just for fun, wouldn't it make sense that you'd want to do the same for me?" I asked.

"That was taking advantage of you," he explained. "I never shoulda got you to do that. I was just...out of my head or something."

"It was super weird, but you seemed to enjoy it," I pointed out. "And it's not like I'm gonna have nightmares about it or anything." Not like the nightmares I had about being trapped in that stall with Fred Goreski, or locked in that back room at Hode Ranch with Billy Zanterman.

"Perry...dude," Gary said in a somewhat frustrated tone, "just because I enjoyed it, doesn't make it right. I mean, if I just turned you over, ripped off your boxers, and started fucking your ass—loving every minute of it even though you were screaming in agony for me to stop, would that be right?"

The idea was repellent enough to make my stomach queasy. "Is that...what you want to do?" I asked in muted horror.

Gary looked at me with reddened eyes, and I could see tears starting to pool up again. "Oh no, dude...I didn't mean it—not at all. That was really harsh. I-I just wanted to make a point...I went overboard with that," he apologized sincerely.

I didn't really see the connection between two friends jerking each other off and rape, but the image was truly frightening. "Okay..." I shuddered, trying to force that awful vision and the wave of raw fear it induced out of my mind. "I wish it wasn't like this," I sighed, "but you know how you feel. I thought I could make you happy, let you relive some of the good experiences you had with Shane—"

"Stop bringing up Shane all the fuckin' time!" Gary shouted heatedly.

I trembled, suddenly feeling extremely small and vulnerable lying next to this big high schooler in nothing but my boxers.

"Oh, dude..." Gary moaned. He swung his legs to the floor and got to his feet. "Oh, dude...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you—honest." He brushed the shaggy locks from his forehead and pressed his hand there. He slowly paced the room in his sock feet. I couldn't help but notice the way his six-pack flexed against his lean belly as he walked. "This is so fucked! I'm so fucked!" he moaned.

Finally he stopped and looked at me. "If I could take this afternoon back, I would," he insisted.

I felt so ashamed of myself for putting Gary in this position. I thought he had wanted to see me without clothes on and jerk off and stuff and that he would enjoy it. But I was so unbelievably stupid! Of course, anything having to do with boys and sex would make him remember the horrible thing that had happened with Shane. I just kept reminding him of that and making things worse and worse.

"Oh, fuck...Per...Please don't cry!" Gary pleaded, suddenly kneeling next to the bed. He tentatively reached out a hand and touched my bare arm.

"I'm-I'm so sorry," I blubbered. "I only wanted to make you happy, not bring back all those horrible memories, I'm so...dense...such a stupid moron," I sniffed.

Gary was holding my hand tightly in his now. "No, it's not like that at all," he assured me in as gentle a voice as he could manage. "Per, the fact that you don't see what a truly beautiful person you are is-is a good thing. It helps make you who you are.... But you have to have some idea of how others see you. You have to understand that you're very attractive to me in every way—and that it's you I'm thinking of, not Shane."

Gary got to his feet and paced some more. "I never told anyone this before, not even T," he said quietly. "But the truth is...the truth is...I'm really pissed at Shane!"

I looked at Gary through tear-blurred eyes, totally shocked by what had just come out of his mouth.

"Yeah...I know that sounds harsh. But there was no reason for him to do what he did. All he had to do was tell me to fuck off. He'd get on with his life. I'd get on with mine. There'd be some bad feelings, some regrets, but hell...you get over stuff eventually, ya know?"

He slumped weakly to the floor, leaning against the TV cabinet across from my bed. He brought his knees up and stretched his arms out, balancing his elbows on the tops of his knees. "Yeah, he fucked up, fucked up his life, fucked up his family's life, fucked up mine— The selfish bastard. The goddamn selfish bastard!" Gary muttered through gritted teeth. "God...Shane..." he muttered painfully, mournfully.

I got up and went to him. I carefully sat next to him without touching him. "Don't be angry with him," I pleaded quietly. "He made a mistake is all. He couldn't think beyond his own feelings...and I sorta get that. Sometimes, it's like there's an ocean in you," I said, echoing Tom's keen observation. Thinking about how brave Tom was, and how well he was able to deal with his homosexuality and his feelings for me, made me realize that Shane had more than likely let himself drown in his own internal ocean. Maybe there had been no one around for him to reach out to. Maybe he had intentionally closed himself off from the outside world, seeing no hope there. And Jesse...yes, my precious angel had done the same thing...let his own guilt and shame cause him to lose all perspective, to lose sight of all the myriad paths his life could take, all the potential for good, to drive him to do the unspeakable.

"You know," Gary uttered quietly, almost as if speaking to himself. "There's something else I never told anyone.... After I found out about-about what Shane did, I was so fuckin' sad, so guilty, so fuckin' miserable...I thought for sure I was gonna follow him, do the same thing he did...but you know what?"

I looked at him with wide-eyed shock.

Gary managed a sardonic grin. "I was scared! I was a big chicken shit! I couldn't do it. As horrible as I felt about Shane, about my own part in driving him to that level of despair, I just couldn't do it."

I leaned my head against his bare shoulder, breathing a sigh of relief. "You dummy," I scolded him, feeling physically and mentally exhausted. "You weren't chicken shit.... You were brave like you always are...really, really brave." I reached an embracing arm across Gary's broad chest and he didn't push me away. Slowly, I felt his arm come up and wrap itself around my shoulders, pulling me in closer.