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Random ramblings from the Amadán Dubh

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Property

SP and I are now the owners of 5-acres of land just outside of town.  Hopefully, we'll be able to get it cleared, get utilities hooked up, and get the house built -- at some point before we retire in 12-ish years.  We're probably insane, but worst case scenario is that we have property that will slowly appreciate.
Fae Briona

Fae Briona in Home

1
Life

Grief and Guilt

One week from tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of C's death.  It's hitting me harder than normal this year -- then I start to feel guilty about morning C while I have SP by my side.  😢
Fae Briona

Fae Briona in Life

3
Family

Crazy year

It's been a long and crazy year.  SP just left for work; we'll stay up & have a glass of Champaign when he gets home. Spent some time this week working on his house, but not as much as he would have liked. We have got a lot accomplished (I think). We made Hoppin' John for supper tonight, and there's enough for lunch tomorrow (a VERY Southern US dish for New Years that, in it's most basic form, contains rice, black eyed peas, ham and/or bacon, green bell pepper, and some cayenne pep
Fae Briona

Fae Briona in Family

1
Wedding

Wedding planning

Wedding is only about 8-weeks away and we're still trying to get some things nailed down. I keep having to remind SP that it's close than he thinks it is.  The invitations need to go out and we don't even have a full guest list typed up yet!  Not to mention minor things like FLORAL.  <sigh> Just had to rant a bit this morning.  I know everything will come together in the end the way it was meant to and am trying not to stress over it, but I'll feel better once all the details are nail
Fae Briona

Fae Briona in Wedding

2
Family

2am Phone Calls

Brother [M] called at 1:44am this morning. Dad -- who would have turned 100 on Oct. 7th -- had been sliding a bit but not rapidly. We expected something soon - but not this soon. He was hurting quite a bit last night so Hospice gave him what M called "a very tiny amount" of morphine just to knock the edge off the pain.  Before he left they said his vital signs were really good.  He hadn't been sleeping that well. The morphine allowed him to relax enough to go into a deep sleep and...just di
Fae Briona

Fae Briona in Family

6

New Beginnings

SP and I got married yesterday -- the 1-yr anniversary of our first date.  We'll need to take off Monday morning to return the license to the court clerk.
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

14

Counsel / Console

SP and I are going to start pre-marriage counseling next week. Expect it to be a bit rough, but good in the long run.  There are things in his past he thinks he's dealt with, that I don't think he has. We've had a few difficult conversations the last week -- not helped by my pain level having been extremely high for three days now -- but we'll work through things.
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

0
Family

Final Goodbyes and Continued Beginnings

We had the internment for my mom yesterday morning -- just my brother and I, our SO's, and my last surviving Aunt. My brother surprised both SP and me by asking if we wanted to go somewhere for lunch. Had a nice meal without any awkward silences, so that was nice. Maybe -- maybe -- he's changing some. But then just a couple of weeks ago when he stopped by to sign mom's life insurance paperwork he never even turned off the car. Doesn't seem like it's been almost 12 month's since SP and
Fae Briona

Fae Briona in Family

0

Friends and Fear

My best friend sent me a txt at 6am this morning.  She's in a hospital in OKC with a massive infection in her lower back. She's had multiple back surgeries in the last 10+ years. Two weeks ago her pain level was so high she was nearly suicidal. Not helping that her "pain management" Dr. cut back her pain Rx to a point where they're useless. She finally convenced them to take an MRI and they found a "raging infection of osteomyelitis in her spine where her hardware is. She kept trying to tel
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

6

The New Plague

Last Tuesday I woke up w. an ear ache from sinus congestion and  a slightly elevated temp; went into Urgent Care on Wed and -- based on my history of sinus infections and a lack of more serious symptoms -- got some antibiotics. Those haven't worked.  My normal body temp is at the low end of normal (low to mid 97's; occasionally high 96's. Hit hit 99.8F yesterday. Shortness of breath is getting worse, lethargy has been present the last few days, and this morning the "digestive upset" portion
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

3

New beginnings

SP and I bought promise / engagement rings today. His is 10mm wide - 6mm black band in the center, with two small silver bands on the outside, spaced slightly off the main ring; mine is a 6mm black band.  It was good.   We did not go to the cemetery today like I had originally thought I would. The last two years I had very strong "intuition" on what day and time I should be there. This year... nothing. That really upset me yesterday; then felt bad about being upset about it when SP and
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

0

Lost in Memory

My brother got dad moved into his new facility yesterday -- or, more accurately, watched as staff got him moved. Sent me a pic of the room through the window; looks nice from what I could see. Said dad was able to walk [using a walker] from the car to his room, but also asked if he would still be in the Army. 😢 Dad's not been in the Army since the end of WWII.  Hoping that by the time SP and I am able to get up there to see him he still remembers who I am. It's been very upsetting and
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

0

Home on the Range

Last Thursday I was trying to cook something in the oven and was wondering why it wasn't cooking like it should be -- then looked in and noticed the lower element was shorting out and sparking like an arc wielder. They delivered the new range this afternoon.  Brought it in, hooked it up, and were about to leave. Said, "just a moment" and turned the breaker back on.  Good thing I did that because nothing happened.  They double checked their installation of the new cord onto the range and it
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

0

Puppy Love

SP and I moved the dogs over yesterday evening -- it was a long long night. We're sure they'll adjust at some point, but it could be awhile before that happens. Wish us luck.
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

3

Date Night

Nervous tonight.  SP  has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight. Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him. Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be.  Made sure to have his card and box of chocola
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

4

Changes

Dad is getting settled into the new assisted living facility. We've been told he could be confused for a month or so still. Went up yesterday to help my brother sort through the remaining things in dad's old apartment in the independent living center - piles for me, piles for him, piles to move, piles to donate.  Extremely depressing. Like dividing up someones things after they've died - thought I guess there is a bit less emotion to doing it now. Brother has finally admitted that dad is 98
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

0

cràdh cridhe

Warning:  This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Part
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

0

Not long ago. Not far away.

Today, January 27th 2020, marks the 75th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz; 1.1 million died there - Jewish, gay, Roma, and others. https://dynaimage.cdn.cnn.com/cnn/q_auto,w_634,c_fill,g_auto,h_357,ar_16:9/http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.cnn.com%2Fcnnnext%2Fdam%2Fassets%2F190614214813-auschwitz-exhibition-6-shoes.jpg  
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

3

Carpe Noctem

SP spent the night last night, for the second time.  Slept in an odd position and my hip is killing me; his back is killing him.  That's most likely because neither of us is used to sleeping next to anyone anymore.  My allergies are bad and my blood pressure is sky high this morning and they were last time too.  This one I'm pretty sure is because he smokes -- and has for many many years -- and bringing that up is going to be difficult.  I'll probably have to tell him he'll need to go outside (h
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

3

For love is sufficient unto love.

SP and I have had several conversations, and a couple have circled back to becoming partners but maintaining our individuality.  Just ran across this quote from Kahil Gibran from The Prophet [if you've never read this, do so]:  
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

4

Tòiseachadh

SP and I have had several conversations:  about our pasts, our fears, our insecurities, our hopes for what this could be. Had a few small dates so far, and planning on something larger for New Years.  I'm cautiously optimistic and I think he is too. We seem to be on the same page with things - where we are now, what we want going forward. To possibilities, hope, and the future.  🍾
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

2

Holidays

Cake was a hit, but.... Morning before I left my brother called to say dad had fallen (again) and this time shattered his leg just below the hip.  They did a partial hip replacement yesterday morning, using a spinal block instead of putting him out completely.  Doc said his leg / hip bones looked like someone who was 48, not 98 so that was good. He was doing ok this morning. Came back home to find a car from the AirBnB across the street parked in my driveway.  They moved it pretty quic
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

12

Random thoughts

Attended the memorial for the wife of a faculty member today.  They had planned on retiring this year (for the second time), take a position back with his Alma Mater that involved less work (his idea of retirement), and enjoying their time together.  She was a sweet, kind, lovely woman -- but don't mistake that for weak. Not sure exactly how long they've been married, but longer than I've been alive. Between that and the weather changes making me ache, I've been mostly awake since 3am.
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

4

Memories and Lyrics

I'm not really a writer - things pop into my heat now and then and demand to be written down, but not good otherwise; and at the moment there's too many competing emotions to make any coherent statement. So I'm going to do what I've done before, and use a selection of song lyrics to express my feelings on this -- both my birthday, today, and the 1-yr anniversary of the loss of my boy at the end of the week. Kind of traces my emotions from the beginning or our relationship, and the hesitancy he h
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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