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Random ramblings from the Amadán Dubh

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Orientation Week and Health

The very very last of our new Teaching Assistants gave me her paperwork today. Reminded her that she never wants to be the very very last person.  Her excuse is that she's a commuter (who only lives an hour away). I had people from out of state turn in their stuff before they even moved; even the international students who didn't have stuff to give me until they got here this week had turned their things in already. Blood pressure is continuing to climb after having gone wacky the first wee
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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Whispers

I mentioned in a comment recently, the insidious voices that whisper words of doubt in your own mind. Voices, dealing my entire life with depression,  I know all too well.  It brought this story to mind:  Always, They Whisper.  The author also has a spotlight article on the story that is quite insightful, but that should be read after you read the short story.
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Fae Briona

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Pincushion and Memories

Went to the Allergist this morning for the first time, and had the full 61-stick test.  Results of what it says I am -- and am not -- allergic too don't match my life experience. Things it says I'm barely allergic too are things that are guaranteed to make me sick when they get high.  We'll take the new stuff, see how it goes, and go back in about a month. Hate it when a song sneaks up on you and clubs you over the head with emotion.  Had Pandora playing, and Gin Wigmore's, "I Will Love You
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Fae Briona

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Valves

What I've described to the Dr. in the past as being, "short, sharp, heartbeats" were being very and unusually persistent last night when I was trying to fall asleep. Ended up going to the ER -- not out of concern (they've already said they didn't see anything concerning about my heart function) but in the hopes that if they were going to persist that I could relax enough they would happen there where I would be monitored.  It's very difficult to relax in an ER room, even when that's your goal. 
 

Under [not enough] Pressure

Blood pressure was low yesterday morning so just took a 1/2 a pill.  Dropped to a point I nearly passed out when standing up at one point.  Only got up to 105/72 by 5pm last night (pulse of 75). It's just 85/62 this morning with a pulse of 109 (pulse would be that high because the bp is so low).  No idea what's up but it could stop and I'd be happy.  Need to eat something for breakfast then try to lay down and stay down for the morning.
 

Power and Heat

A "transmission arm" broke early this afternoon in the city where my brother and parents live, leaving about 1/5 of the town without power (just under 10.4 thousand). Naturally, my charming brother didn't bother to text me until FOUR HOURS LATER to say that he still had power and mom & dad were with him.  I hadn't had the TV on all day and hadn't heard anything about it. Aunt was without power too. Heat index there today was 108° F at 3pm.  Can't find anything that gives trivial little
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Fae Briona

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Can't win for loosing

Well, apparently, in addition to not lasting more than a few days when it should last a few weeks and increasing my shaking, the dual steroid shot I got on Friday makes my blood pressure go up. It's increased every reading [morning / evening] since Friday. Of course, I did need something to break the pain for a bit at least and it did let me get up to the memorial & back which I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. If I get it again I need to remember that the higher reading isn't one of
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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Memorials

Woke up early this morning (too early for a Saturday [ah - just remembered re-reading this that I need to reset my alarm!]) and drove up to attend my Aunt's Memorial service. Took mom so she wouldn't have to ride with my brother -- that and I have a handicap sticker. The slideshow / video her oldest boy made with a bit of help from my brother was nice. Could have done without the ministers congregational recruitment blah blah that I found a bit out of place and inappropriate for the situati
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Old "Friends"

I introduced my best friend in high school to my best friend from college and they got married and had 5 kids -- all of whom still call me "Uncle". Then his brains turned to mush,  he married the Whore of Babylon, had other kids and forgot about his first family.  I've not spoke with him in ages. Last time we talked he apologized for only calling when he needed money -- them promptly asked for money. The oldest boy is angry, but still wants his dads love. He's given L second chance after se
 

Diabolus ex Nihilo

Stayed home today to, as the boss said, try to "reset" myself.  Work has been stressful recently, but it always is this time of year; just seems extra stressful this year. I know part of that of loss -- of my love, of my aunt -- and part of that the weather, which has been keeping my pain level much higher than normal. Consistent high pain makes it difficult to deal with the stress and increases my depression; increased depression makes it harder to deal with the pain; and soon I'm "circling the
 

Tha e air a dhèanamh

It is done.  They were able to place my Boy's headstone yesterday.  C's sis sent me an email at almost midnight last night that I didn't see until lunch today. It looks good. It feels....   relief?   I had really wanted / needed it to be installed before his birthday on Monday, and was afraid they weren't going to be able to do it because of the weather. His sis was wanting it done before his birthday as well. If the state doesn't wash away, I'll go down on Monday for his birthday, and be a
 

Dreamscapes

I frequently have vivid hyper-realistic dreams but some are more odd than others. Last night I had a very strange dream and vivid dream and can still remember the main details.  There was a city with six sides, surrounded by walls, and at each corner a Gothic spire rose impossibly high into the sky, slowly arching over at the top until they met in the center high above the city.  There was some sort of disk on top of the points of the spires -- entire thing was almost like a birdcage. I was
 

Poetry and Prose

I had problems falling asleep last night and this popped into my head unbidden and fully formed. Then insisted I write it down before it would let me rest (you can picture whatever Muse is to blame standing behind me, his sharpened quill-pen ✒️ at my throat) : My beautiful rose made of shattered glass, glittering in the sunlight and morning dew. Beautiful from afar, but made of sharp points and rough edges which cut & scar when you try to hold it too close, hold it
 

joie de vie

Something during my trip up to see mom and my Aunt on Friday has triggered a full-blown allergy attack.  If it weren't for my stubborn insistence that I will have my bœuf bourguignonne for lunch I'd still be in bed.  But...   as I so want it for lunch it has to start now.  One of the reasons I rarely make it -- too much of a pain in the ass to bother for one person. However, it's what I was going to make my Boy last year before our plans fell apart, and what I was going to make him for Valentine
 

Waiting

Drove up to see my Aunt this morning before she passes.  Mom and I went over once I got into town.  There was enough of an awareness that when mom said we were there, her breathing rate changed.  Almost like she was struggling to the surface.  I told her to relax -- that she didn't need to respond to us, and sat holding her hand. Told her I loved her. Weren't there too long, but by the time we left her breathing had settled back into a calm and regular (if shallow) pace.  Her blood pressure (top
 

Patience

My Boy's headstone is - finally - ready; HOWEVER -- they are going to have to wait "until the ground is a bit drier" before they can install it. I just want him to have it before his birthday on the 27th.  At least they didn't screw it up a third time. It does help some to know that it's ready.  Extremely annoyed at my best friend who, not intending to be a bitch she says, used the word "antzy" to describe my feelings on it's continuing delay.  More storms moving in overnight into tomo
 

Lean air adhart a ’dèanamh na tha math dhomh

Finally realized that I'm going to have to finish painting the loft the same way I started:  playing songs of love and loss, grieving for my boy, and loosing myself in the painting. It's the only way the loft can get done and -- more importantly -- I think it's one of the things that has to be closed for me to let him go. Though I should have left Rebecca Ferguson's version of "I'll Count the Days" off the playlist. 😭 The other is for his headstone to finally be installed. Sent an email to
 

Haberdashery: Measurments

Forgive the pun but suitably impressed by my suit consultation today.  Getting a nice light charcoal in a wool/silk blend.  Gentleman took several measurements and I left feeling confident that when the suit arrives in a week or so there won't be that much "fine tuning" to do for it to fit perfectly. And the total cost is going to be less than I expected, so that's a bonus!
 

Haberdashery

Found a menswear store in this town that can actually do decent tailoring (or so I've been told).  Going in for a fitting on Friday after work.  I need a new suit, and my body frame is too oddly proportioned  to even consider just wearing a suit off the rack -- especially the jacket.  Un-tailored, a suit jacket that fits my shoulders is way to baggy around my chest; and my waist (narrow) and leg length (long) is a nearly impossible size to find even in normal dress slacks.  Hoping they are as go
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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Beautiful Titles

I buy a lot of books for new faculty members, and this one is the best title I've seen in ages: From a Broken Bottle Traces of Perfume Still Emanate I know nothing about this book and want to read it based on that title alone.
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Blessed are...

A "thank you" card from C's sister showed up in the mail today, to thank me for paying off the headstone. First time I've heard from her directly -- my other interactions have been with a mutual friend of C and his sis. Was nice to finally hear from her directly, but sad to know that she's still having a really really hard time with his passing.  I know there are moments for me where a memory will catch me blindsided and rip my heart to pieces again, but for her it seems like that's still a cons
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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Loverboy

Need a vacation -- too much stress.   Reading "Between the Shadow and the Soul" has brought back memories of my cub. Wish I knew where he was, but he stopped talking to me a couple of years ago. My cub is the one person I've loved with all my heart who I knew would never love me back the same way. He stayed in my apartment for about a month while he was trying to get things together. Always tried to be circumspect about when he was going out, to not hurt my feelings, but I always knew.
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Ailey II

Went tot the performance of Ailey II last night that had originally been C's and my's big night out. Glad friends (IRL and online) encouraged me to go.  I did have to leave at 2nd intermission, but that was because of my joints and not my mental state. If you ever get a chance to see them, or the main Alvin Ailey troupe, do so - they're wonderful. Touch & Agree was their second of the three sets. Music was about 2x as loud as it should have been, but overall it was an enjoyable evening -- ba
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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Deireadh

L gave me the number to the Memorial place that C's sis had used.  She'd put down a down-payment on the headstone, but wasn't sure how she was going to pay for the rest of it.  It's been such a busy week, I hadn't had time to call them until lunch today.  Thay had to call his sis to get her verbal OK before talking to me (which I expected) and I paid off what was left on the headstone; was about what I was expecting. It was something I felt like I had to do for my Boy. I didn't expect the emotio
Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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Candidate season

So much for a relaxing day off.  We're bringing in candidates for a few open faculty positions.  Flight for the one leaving today has been delayed / cancelled. Waiting on automatic call-back from the airline to cancel the last two legs, as the candidate has made other arrangements to get back home (weird set of coincidences, but at least they have a way back).
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