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About this blog

Random ramblings from the Amadán Dubh

Entries in this blog

 

Friends and Fear

My best friend sent me a txt at 6am this morning.  She's in a hospital in OKC with a massive infection in her lower back. She's had multiple back surgeries in the last 10+ years. Two weeks ago her pain level was so high she was nearly suicidal. Not helping that her "pain management" Dr. cut back her pain Rx to a point where they're useless. She finally convenced them to take an MRI and they found a "raging infection of osteomyelitis in her spine where her hardware is. She kept trying to tel

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

The New Plague

Last Tuesday I woke up w. an ear ache from sinus congestion and  a slightly elevated temp; went into Urgent Care on Wed and -- based on my history of sinus infections and a lack of more serious symptoms -- got some antibiotics. Those haven't worked.  My normal body temp is at the low end of normal (low to mid 97's; occasionally high 96's. Hit hit 99.8F yesterday. Shortness of breath is getting worse, lethargy has been present the last few days, and this morning the "digestive upset" portion

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

New beginnings

SP and I bought promise / engagement rings today. His is 10mm wide - 6mm black band in the center, with two small silver bands on the outside, spaced slightly off the main ring; mine is a 6mm black band.  It was good.   We did not go to the cemetery today like I had originally thought I would. The last two years I had very strong "intuition" on what day and time I should be there. This year... nothing. That really upset me yesterday; then felt bad about being upset about it when SP and
 

Lost in Memory

My brother got dad moved into his new facility yesterday -- or, more accurately, watched as staff got him moved. Sent me a pic of the room through the window; looks nice from what I could see. Said dad was able to walk [using a walker] from the car to his room, but also asked if he would still be in the Army. 😢 Dad's not been in the Army since the end of WWII.  Hoping that by the time SP and I am able to get up there to see him he still remembers who I am. It's been very upsetting and
 

Home on the Range

Last Thursday I was trying to cook something in the oven and was wondering why it wasn't cooking like it should be -- then looked in and noticed the lower element was shorting out and sparking like an arc wielder. They delivered the new range this afternoon.  Brought it in, hooked it up, and were about to leave. Said, "just a moment" and turned the breaker back on.  Good thing I did that because nothing happened.  They double checked their installation of the new cord onto the range and it

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Puppy Love

SP and I moved the dogs over yesterday evening -- it was a long long night. We're sure they'll adjust at some point, but it could be awhile before that happens. Wish us luck.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Date Night

Nervous tonight.  SP  has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight. Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him. Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be.  Made sure to have his card and box of chocola

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Changes

Dad is getting settled into the new assisted living facility. We've been told he could be confused for a month or so still. Went up yesterday to help my brother sort through the remaining things in dad's old apartment in the independent living center - piles for me, piles for him, piles to move, piles to donate.  Extremely depressing. Like dividing up someones things after they've died - thought I guess there is a bit less emotion to doing it now. Brother has finally admitted that dad is 98

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

cràdh cridhe

Warning:  This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Part

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Not long ago. Not far away.

Today, January 27th 2020, marks the 75th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz; 1.1 million died there - Jewish, gay, Roma, and others. https://dynaimage.cdn.cnn.com/cnn/q_auto,w_634,c_fill,g_auto,h_357,ar_16:9/http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.cnn.com%2Fcnnnext%2Fdam%2Fassets%2F190614214813-auschwitz-exhibition-6-shoes.jpg  

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Carpe Noctem

SP spent the night last night, for the second time.  Slept in an odd position and my hip is killing me; his back is killing him.  That's most likely because neither of us is used to sleeping next to anyone anymore.  My allergies are bad and my blood pressure is sky high this morning and they were last time too.  This one I'm pretty sure is because he smokes -- and has for many many years -- and bringing that up is going to be difficult.  I'll probably have to tell him he'll need to go outside (h

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

For love is sufficient unto love.

SP and I have had several conversations, and a couple have circled back to becoming partners but maintaining our individuality.  Just ran across this quote from Kahil Gibran from The Prophet [if you've never read this, do so]:  

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Tòiseachadh

SP and I have had several conversations:  about our pasts, our fears, our insecurities, our hopes for what this could be. Had a few small dates so far, and planning on something larger for New Years.  I'm cautiously optimistic and I think he is too. We seem to be on the same page with things - where we are now, what we want going forward. To possibilities, hope, and the future.  🍾

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Holidays

Cake was a hit, but.... Morning before I left my brother called to say dad had fallen (again) and this time shattered his leg just below the hip.  They did a partial hip replacement yesterday morning, using a spinal block instead of putting him out completely.  Doc said his leg / hip bones looked like someone who was 48, not 98 so that was good. He was doing ok this morning. Came back home to find a car from the AirBnB across the street parked in my driveway.  They moved it pretty quic

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Random thoughts

Attended the memorial for the wife of a faculty member today.  They had planned on retiring this year (for the second time), take a position back with his Alma Mater that involved less work (his idea of retirement), and enjoying their time together.  She was a sweet, kind, lovely woman -- but don't mistake that for weak. Not sure exactly how long they've been married, but longer than I've been alive. Between that and the weather changes making me ache, I've been mostly awake since 3am.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Memories and Lyrics

I'm not really a writer - things pop into my heat now and then and demand to be written down, but not good otherwise; and at the moment there's too many competing emotions to make any coherent statement. So I'm going to do what I've done before, and use a selection of song lyrics to express my feelings on this -- both my birthday, today, and the 1-yr anniversary of the loss of my boy at the end of the week. Kind of traces my emotions from the beginning or our relationship, and the hesitancy he h

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Memories

Took today and Monday off. I'm not making it to Joplin for the Tri-State Gem & Mineral event because of unexpected car repairs but I did drive down to the same town C & I were at when we spent an entire afternoon wandering through antique stores. There were a couple of moments where his loss threatened to sneak up on me, but I tried to focus on the fun we had that afternoon -- the brief moments holding hands, the quick pat an the ass when we where out of sight of other customers -- the g

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Recent Events

Blood pressure has continued to swing from way too high to way too low -- and yesterday it did both in one day.  I know part of the "high" was taking my evening medication later than I normally do by almost two hours + very high level of pain. A multi-state property management agency just bought the house across the street and down one. They want to turn it into a "short-term rental" [which the city defines as anything less than 30-days] full time. To do that you have to apply for a permit

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Orientation Week and Health

The very very last of our new Teaching Assistants gave me her paperwork today. Reminded her that she never wants to be the very very last person.  Her excuse is that she's a commuter (who only lives an hour away). I had people from out of state turn in their stuff before they even moved; even the international students who didn't have stuff to give me until they got here this week had turned their things in already. Blood pressure is continuing to climb after having gone wacky the first wee

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Whispers

I mentioned in a comment recently, the insidious voices that whisper words of doubt in your own mind. Voices, dealing my entire life with depression,  I know all too well.  It brought this story to mind:  Always, They Whisper.  The author also has a spotlight article on the story that is quite insightful, but that should be read after you read the short story.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Pincushion and Memories

Went to the Allergist this morning for the first time, and had the full 61-stick test.  Results of what it says I am -- and am not -- allergic too don't match my life experience. Things it says I'm barely allergic too are things that are guaranteed to make me sick when they get high.  We'll take the new stuff, see how it goes, and go back in about a month. Hate it when a song sneaks up on you and clubs you over the head with emotion.  Had Pandora playing, and Gin Wigmore's, "I Will Love You

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Valves

What I've described to the Dr. in the past as being, "short, sharp, heartbeats" were being very and unusually persistent last night when I was trying to fall asleep. Ended up going to the ER -- not out of concern (they've already said they didn't see anything concerning about my heart function) but in the hopes that if they were going to persist that I could relax enough they would happen there where I would be monitored.  It's very difficult to relax in an ER room, even when that's your goal. 

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Under [not enough] Pressure

Blood pressure was low yesterday morning so just took a 1/2 a pill.  Dropped to a point I nearly passed out when standing up at one point.  Only got up to 105/72 by 5pm last night (pulse of 75). It's just 85/62 this morning with a pulse of 109 (pulse would be that high because the bp is so low).  No idea what's up but it could stop and I'd be happy.  Need to eat something for breakfast then try to lay down and stay down for the morning.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Power and Heat

A "transmission arm" broke early this afternoon in the city where my brother and parents live, leaving about 1/5 of the town without power (just under 10.4 thousand). Naturally, my charming brother didn't bother to text me until FOUR HOURS LATER to say that he still had power and mom & dad were with him.  I hadn't had the TV on all day and hadn't heard anything about it. Aunt was without power too. Heat index there today was 108° F at 3pm.  Can't find anything that gives trivial little

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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