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Random ramblings from the Amadán Dubh

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Date Night

Nervous tonight.  SP  has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight. Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him. Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be.  Made sure to have his card and box of chocola

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Changes

Dad is getting settled into the new assisted living facility. We've been told he could be confused for a month or so still. Went up yesterday to help my brother sort through the remaining things in dad's old apartment in the independent living center - piles for me, piles for him, piles to move, piles to donate.  Extremely depressing. Like dividing up someones things after they've died - thought I guess there is a bit less emotion to doing it now. Brother has finally admitted that dad is 98

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

cràdh cridhe

Warning:  This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Part

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Not long ago. Not far away.

Today, January 27th 2020, marks the 75th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz; 1.1 million died there - Jewish, gay, Roma, and others. https://dynaimage.cdn.cnn.com/cnn/q_auto,w_634,c_fill,g_auto,h_357,ar_16:9/http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.cnn.com%2Fcnnnext%2Fdam%2Fassets%2F190614214813-auschwitz-exhibition-6-shoes.jpg  

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Carpe Noctem

SP spent the night last night, for the second time.  Slept in an odd position and my hip is killing me; his back is killing him.  That's most likely because neither of us is used to sleeping next to anyone anymore.  My allergies are bad and my blood pressure is sky high this morning and they were last time too.  This one I'm pretty sure is because he smokes -- and has for many many years -- and bringing that up is going to be difficult.  I'll probably have to tell him he'll need to go outside (h

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

For love is sufficient unto love.

SP and I have had several conversations, and a couple have circled back to becoming partners but maintaining our individuality.  Just ran across this quote from Kahil Gibran from The Prophet [if you've never read this, do so]:  

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Tòiseachadh

SP and I have had several conversations:  about our pasts, our fears, our insecurities, our hopes for what this could be. Had a few small dates so far, and planning on something larger for New Years.  I'm cautiously optimistic and I think he is too. We seem to be on the same page with things - where we are now, what we want going forward. To possibilities, hope, and the future.  🍾

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Holidays

Cake was a hit, but.... Morning before I left my brother called to say dad had fallen (again) and this time shattered his leg just below the hip.  They did a partial hip replacement yesterday morning, using a spinal block instead of putting him out completely.  Doc said his leg / hip bones looked like someone who was 48, not 98 so that was good. He was doing ok this morning. Came back home to find a car from the AirBnB across the street parked in my driveway.  They moved it pretty quic

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Random thoughts

Attended the memorial for the wife of a faculty member today.  They had planned on retiring this year (for the second time), take a position back with his Alma Mater that involved less work (his idea of retirement), and enjoying their time together.  She was a sweet, kind, lovely woman -- but don't mistake that for weak. Not sure exactly how long they've been married, but longer than I've been alive. Between that and the weather changes making me ache, I've been mostly awake since 3am.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Memories and Lyrics

I'm not really a writer - things pop into my heat now and then and demand to be written down, but not good otherwise; and at the moment there's too many competing emotions to make any coherent statement. So I'm going to do what I've done before, and use a selection of song lyrics to express my feelings on this -- both my birthday, today, and the 1-yr anniversary of the loss of my boy at the end of the week. Kind of traces my emotions from the beginning or our relationship, and the hesitancy he h

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Memories

Took today and Monday off. I'm not making it to Joplin for the Tri-State Gem & Mineral event because of unexpected car repairs but I did drive down to the same town C & I were at when we spent an entire afternoon wandering through antique stores. There were a couple of moments where his loss threatened to sneak up on me, but I tried to focus on the fun we had that afternoon -- the brief moments holding hands, the quick pat an the ass when we where out of sight of other customers -- the g

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Recent Events

Blood pressure has continued to swing from way too high to way too low -- and yesterday it did both in one day.  I know part of the "high" was taking my evening medication later than I normally do by almost two hours + very high level of pain. A multi-state property management agency just bought the house across the street and down one. They want to turn it into a "short-term rental" [which the city defines as anything less than 30-days] full time. To do that you have to apply for a permit

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Orientation Week and Health

The very very last of our new Teaching Assistants gave me her paperwork today. Reminded her that she never wants to be the very very last person.  Her excuse is that she's a commuter (who only lives an hour away). I had people from out of state turn in their stuff before they even moved; even the international students who didn't have stuff to give me until they got here this week had turned their things in already. Blood pressure is continuing to climb after having gone wacky the first wee

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Whispers

I mentioned in a comment recently, the insidious voices that whisper words of doubt in your own mind. Voices, dealing my entire life with depression,  I know all too well.  It brought this story to mind:  Always, They Whisper.  The author also has a spotlight article on the story that is quite insightful, but that should be read after you read the short story.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Pincushion and Memories

Went to the Allergist this morning for the first time, and had the full 61-stick test.  Results of what it says I am -- and am not -- allergic too don't match my life experience. Things it says I'm barely allergic too are things that are guaranteed to make me sick when they get high.  We'll take the new stuff, see how it goes, and go back in about a month. Hate it when a song sneaks up on you and clubs you over the head with emotion.  Had Pandora playing, and Gin Wigmore's, "I Will Love You

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Valves

What I've described to the Dr. in the past as being, "short, sharp, heartbeats" were being very and unusually persistent last night when I was trying to fall asleep. Ended up going to the ER -- not out of concern (they've already said they didn't see anything concerning about my heart function) but in the hopes that if they were going to persist that I could relax enough they would happen there where I would be monitored.  It's very difficult to relax in an ER room, even when that's your goal. 

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Under [not enough] Pressure

Blood pressure was low yesterday morning so just took a 1/2 a pill.  Dropped to a point I nearly passed out when standing up at one point.  Only got up to 105/72 by 5pm last night (pulse of 75). It's just 85/62 this morning with a pulse of 109 (pulse would be that high because the bp is so low).  No idea what's up but it could stop and I'd be happy.  Need to eat something for breakfast then try to lay down and stay down for the morning.

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Power and Heat

A "transmission arm" broke early this afternoon in the city where my brother and parents live, leaving about 1/5 of the town without power (just under 10.4 thousand). Naturally, my charming brother didn't bother to text me until FOUR HOURS LATER to say that he still had power and mom & dad were with him.  I hadn't had the TV on all day and hadn't heard anything about it. Aunt was without power too. Heat index there today was 108° F at 3pm.  Can't find anything that gives trivial little

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Can't win for loosing

Well, apparently, in addition to not lasting more than a few days when it should last a few weeks and increasing my shaking, the dual steroid shot I got on Friday makes my blood pressure go up. It's increased every reading [morning / evening] since Friday. Of course, I did need something to break the pain for a bit at least and it did let me get up to the memorial & back which I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. If I get it again I need to remember that the higher reading isn't one of

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Memorials

Woke up early this morning (too early for a Saturday [ah - just remembered re-reading this that I need to reset my alarm!]) and drove up to attend my Aunt's Memorial service. Took mom so she wouldn't have to ride with my brother -- that and I have a handicap sticker. The slideshow / video her oldest boy made with a bit of help from my brother was nice. Could have done without the ministers congregational recruitment blah blah that I found a bit out of place and inappropriate for the situati

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Old "Friends"

I introduced my best friend in high school to my best friend from college and they got married and had 5 kids -- all of whom still call me "Uncle". Then his brains turned to mush,  he married the Whore of Babylon, had other kids and forgot about his first family.  I've not spoke with him in ages. Last time we talked he apologized for only calling when he needed money -- them promptly asked for money. The oldest boy is angry, but still wants his dads love. He's given L second chance after se

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Diabolus ex Nihilo

Stayed home today to, as the boss said, try to "reset" myself.  Work has been stressful recently, but it always is this time of year; just seems extra stressful this year. I know part of that of loss -- of my love, of my aunt -- and part of that the weather, which has been keeping my pain level much higher than normal. Consistent high pain makes it difficult to deal with the stress and increases my depression; increased depression makes it harder to deal with the pain; and soon I'm "circling the

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Tha e air a dhèanamh

It is done.  They were able to place my Boy's headstone yesterday.  C's sis sent me an email at almost midnight last night that I didn't see until lunch today. It looks good. It feels....   relief?   I had really wanted / needed it to be installed before his birthday on Monday, and was afraid they weren't going to be able to do it because of the weather. His sis was wanting it done before his birthday as well. If the state doesn't wash away, I'll go down on Monday for his birthday, and be a

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Dreamscapes

I frequently have vivid hyper-realistic dreams but some are more odd than others. Last night I had a very strange dream and vivid dream and can still remember the main details.  There was a city with six sides, surrounded by walls, and at each corner a Gothic spire rose impossibly high into the sky, slowly arching over at the top until they met in the center high above the city.  There was some sort of disk on top of the points of the spires -- entire thing was almost like a birdcage. I was

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

 

Poetry and Prose

I had problems falling asleep last night and this popped into my head unbidden and fully formed. Then insisted I write it down before it would let me rest (you can picture whatever Muse is to blame standing behind me, his sharpened quill-pen ✒️ at my throat) : My beautiful rose made of shattered glass, glittering in the sunlight and morning dew. Beautiful from afar, but made of sharp points and rough edges which cut & scar when you try to hold it too close, hold it

Fae Briona

Fae Briona

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