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Demetz

Letting go of old loves

There is something that must be done before one can move on from a broken up relationship, and that is to let go. It has bothered me that now more than a month after Dwayne and I broke up, I still think about him everyday... still play through conversations in my head... I need to stop that, but to do so, I needed to understand why I was still doing it. What I came up with as an answer is that although the relationship was broken up, I was still holding on to something... it wasn't hope of getti
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Remix

So yesterday I get a call from Jeremy, apologizing again and wanting to hang out because he's bored and doesn't really have much to do. What a coincidence, I'm generally bored with nothing to do too. So, I agree to hang out and when he gives me a call after work I suggest we play a game of Axis and Allies - an exceedingly complex board game that can go on for hours and hours. I also suggest he ask Aaron to come over and play as well...   It seems that between talking to Jeremy that afternoon a
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Gavin.... :)

Today started off like many other days... I woke up, looked around, wondered whether I was already late for class, looked at the clock and saw that I was not, and then was faced with the decision of whether to go, or not to go. I went. I'm glad I did, actually. My microeconomics professor had our exams back... I got a 63 out 100 points. Normally this might be something to feel devastated by. However, as the average grade was in the low 30s, a 31 point curve boosed my grade to a 94... which means
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days of... huh?

Okay, so monday, i go out with my friend and her fiance. We saw vantage point.... I loved it. President Ashton... has a nice ring to it, lol.   After the movie we went to dinner at Chilis.... I love their Nachos and they have this tasty fruity drink that goes 2 for 1.   After dinner we went driving... didn't really care where we were going... drove all the way to the end of university parkway, then turned around and went the other direction towards the airport. It was during this time that
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First time blogger here

This is my first entry here (as though you couldn't tell). Basically I intend to use this space as somewhat of a journal, so I guess I'll start with what's happened since I woke up today.   Had breakfast with the family today for the first time in a long time. That's when they sprung a surprise family BBQ party on me for today, which meant lots of cleaning up to do. I vaccumed out the pool and cleaned out the pool filter (I can't believe how quickly that thing gets clogged up!). The chlorine i
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Finishing College; Moving forward

Warning: This blog may contain graphic contact and/or TMI. Read at your own risk.   So this week is my last week of undergraduate school. Papers, exams..... blah. Just so glad to be done with it all.   Saturday I walk the stage, sometime in January I'll have my Bachelor's degree in hand....   From here, I don't know where I'm going to go. I'm still going to apply to the University of Pennsylvania, though I'd rather go to Princeton. I'm going to be applying to a bunch of grad schools actual
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Dad Chat Part 2

So a couple days ago I was talking to my dad and the conversation led to him asking me if I'd ever been molested or raped. I froze for a second and looked down, my head in my hand. There's no saying "no" after that happens. So after a second I looked up at him, then away, closed my eyes and nodded.   I have to give my dad a lot of credit for how he handled the rest of that conversation. I suppose I should have known he would not freak out. There were questions, of course, as there had to be. W
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Doctors visit

Okay... so this lump of... whatever the hell it is... it seems to grow and recede and is most prominent when I'm aroused. Guess what I'm NOT when in an office with an 80 year old asian doctor I can barely understand? I could still find the lump, but it was so small the doctor couldn't... an no matter how much he rolled my balls around in his hand or played with my shaft, my arousal level was not budging and the lump was gonna hide indefinitely.   So... doctor couldn't find it to diagnose it a
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Apparently I'm an evil sexist man for daring to have an opinion on abortion

I think abortion should be permissible in such cases as where the woman's life is endangered by the pregnancy or when raped. I'm also against elective abortion morally, but unwilling to make it illegal.   I hesitate on the issue of abortion for two reasons: 1) The child is conceived without his or her own consent and is innocent, punishing the child with death for a parent's mistake is cruel. 2) The morning after pill can prevent conception and thus make the question of elective abortion irre
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Gay candidate for political office?

I have often considered the possibility of running for political office. I know that inevitably any run for office would mean my sexuality would be brought up. Today I saw this comment in response to a question "would you vote for someone who is gay" and it irked me enough that I ended up writing out the rest of this blog entry     Apparently it nowhere crossed his mind that candidate x's gayness may not be an issue by the choice of candidate x.   I happen to be gay, I have a long term rel
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insomniac heart

You know that feeling you get when you're sleeping alone... and no matter how hard you try, you can't trick your arms into believing the pillow in your arms is who you dream it to be?   Thats the feeling I've got tonight.   Well... thats all i had to say.
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Never making it to shore.

This poem is straight from the heart, very emotional, very metaphorical, and possibly tear jerking. You've been warned.   I was walking across a rope bridge Behind me, my life without you Before me, the day I move in with you Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream Below me lay a vastly wide river Moving warm and slow To nowhere I'd rather go Than the other side.   You were standing on the other side When I saw you disappear, And a moment of confusion crossed my mind When you retur
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morning

My professor of literature and the occult, Dr Heim, died this past weekend, may he rest in peace. He knows now the truth of what he spent most of his life seeking out.   In the meantime, I have a new professor, with a very different attitude about how to run the class. Dr. Heim had an awesome policy: tardy? what is that? Attendance? -bleh, people come or they don't thats their business and what matters is if they know the material come exam time... which is also their business. My new professo
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A conclusion reached

I've made a few philosophical decisions about how I'm going to live my life from now on, based on certain experiences, and grand disappointments that I've had.   First I'd like to say I won't be giving up on love itself, as I'd been pondering doing just yesterday. That's still just not the kind of life I want to live.   What I am doing though, as a matter of preserving my own personal dignity and self-respect, is throwing aside a certain path I was traveling too often. I will no longer be p
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Unentrenching

A thunderous excursion at criminal velocity,   Prompted by tormentuous raging pychopathy,   Preceded all preference for bodily safety,   For no latch remained locked within his fragile psyche...             Crash.
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Flight

Last night, some of you may have witnessed me throwing a bit of a temper tantrum and a subsequent pity party. I believe it went something along the lines of "f**kING f**k f**k BANK OF AMERICA THoSE SHITS" followed whimpering as I tried to pull myself together and deal with the situation.   What happened: I had the perfect itinerary and at a cost just meeting my budget. The problem was I did not have enough money actually in the bank at the time, so I had to make a deposit. Unfortunately, they
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Escape

Something has crossed my mind rather frequently lately - Gays need to just pack up and go. All of us....   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .....to Montanna.   Why? -Montanna has one of the lowest populations in the county and IIRC from 8th civics class its the only state in the union with a population low enough that it has fewer representaives than it does senators. If Gay people move to Montanna en masse we could easily grab up those two senate seats and depending on just h
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A new guy, Aaron

A few days ago I was at work and this cute guy sitting at the counter gave me his number, last night (my first night off) I gave him a call and he came over... we went to a little park and hung out for a bit, then headed back to my place and had a couple drinks. As I was walking to his car we kissed...   I was taken a bit by surprise at his kissing style. How to describe it.... well, it was a lot more... aggressive than what I was used to, and quite a bit, um.... sloppier. But, as we continued
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Running away with me

So last night I did what I've wanted to do metaphorically in a literal way. I ran. And Ran. And kept right on running. It was pouring rain out. I went anyway. Lightning striking all over the place. Sun set well below the horizon. I kept running. Soaken wet, heart pounding, foot numbing I stopped and walked long enough to so I could feel my foot again and catch my breath, then I ran some more. And ran, and ran. I ran right past the road I was supposed to turn down and didn't realize it for a half
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STD Testing; Sonogram results

So today I went in for a consultation, talked with a doctor about various things concerning safe sex, and talked about the various dieseases they could test for and whether I want each of the tests.   I decided to be tested for them all.   Dwayne if you're reading this, I'm not writing it to hurt you... I don't know what I can or can not believe about what happened between us. I have asked you to tell me... its your decision to do so or not. If you leave me to put the pieces together with pi
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Hiatus.

Addendum   I find myself falling more and more into an emotional wreck. When that happens, I'm going to go offline so as not to do/say things to push people away.
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Constitution v Law

In seeking to find out information concerning the legal status of an immigrant to the united states who marries someone of the same sex in Massachusetts, I came across this section of the US legal code which rather perplexed me....  
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Christian forgiveness

I found myself in a discussion with one of those adamantly believing Christians. Initially I merely expressed somewhat incoherently the failure of religion to support my mom. You see... every few years my mom starts going back to church because she feels she can not cope with life otherwise. For a while she'll feel great having been "forgiven" for her sins. Then she'll feel guilty for not imposing christian "values" upon myself and my brother and for not having consistently imposed them on herse
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A revealing talk with Dwayne

So, tonight, against my better judgment, I went into what I've avoided doing for a long time. Of all the conversations in my head with Dwayne I knew I didn't want to actually say those things to him. Well, tonight against my better judgment I said some, and his reaction was precisely as I predicted it would be... he really doesn't know how to deal with someone emotionally troubled. Eventually though, after blathering on about my feelings and thoughts I said that I was conflicted, and he remarked
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