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Dad Chat Part 2


Demetz

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So a couple days ago I was talking to my dad and the conversation led to him asking me if I'd ever been molested or raped. I froze for a second and looked down, my head in my hand. There's no saying "no" after that happens. So after a second I looked up at him, then away, closed my eyes and nodded.

 

I have to give my dad a lot of credit for how he handled the rest of that conversation. I suppose I should have known he would not freak out. There were questions, of course, as there had to be. Who did it, when... I told him what I knew, what time references I could remember. He asked if there were others, "adults?" and mentioned a couple. I told him there were no others as far as I know, remembering the words and relating them to him "There are only two ways to answer when asked if you were you molested/raped as a child: 'yes' and 'I don't know'" He said he wished I had said something earlier. In a way, I wish I had too. I denied myself his support, the support of anyone until just over a month and a half ago. I was just about to type "I don't know yet rather I regret that aspect of the decision though, I still think I did the right thing by protecting my family" but that's not true. I do regret the decision to keep it inside because resulted in my being less a part of the very family I was trying to protect. I said there were other boys, around my age, that what happened with them was just innocent exploration. He asked if I was sure that it wasn't innocent with that first boy, given that he was young too.

 

Now, some explanation of that question, his time referencing was a bit 'off' too. When I told him who it was he knew who I was talking about, but it was at least fifteen years ago, and he was in the Navy and gone a lot, so he would have only seen the kid a couple times. He said the kid had been baby-sat by mom a couple years... I had only remembered a couple times which up until he said that I assumed had gone over the course of a month, though I'm starting to remember more, even as I'm writing this the memories are surfacing up from around thos events... one of sitting on the floor and being told the boy was coming back and not being too happy about it, what happened hadn't happened at that time, but I distinctly remember thinking the guy was a jerk for being mean to me and wishing he wasn't coming back. You see it wasn't a year-round thing, it was over the summer.... remembering more now, parents talking about him and his sister coming for the summer...

 

Anyway, I think Dad had a mental image of the boy from when he was younger than when what happened to me happened. But as I related to him what I had for time referencing, knowing I would have had to have been five or four... pretty sure now that I was only four since I don't remember the boy who later became my best friend having moved in at that time... So yeah... it happened before I had even been enrolled in kindergarden, and I remember on the way to being enrolled, mom said that he'd already graduated from the school I'd be going to. That puts him in middle school when he did what he did. Elementary school lasted through 6th grade at the time... that places him at around twelve or thirteen when it happened.

 

Someone at that age does not innocently have sex with a four year old, something we (dad and I) both agreed on. He [the boy] took full advantage of the fact that I was too young to understand, full advantage of the fact that at that age a little kid would do just about anything to make a big kid pleased with him. Not so sure about this next one, but I'm pretty sure he also took full advantage of the fact that I knew he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to. He wasn't violent that I recall... in fact, when it happened I remember thinking something to the effect of "wow, he's being nice to me, I think I like him after all..." ... I could not have more badly mistaken what was going on.

 

And of course Dad asked if maybe it was this event that happened then that made me attracted to guys now. While I can't say for certain what the answer is, I did tell him my thoughts on that, about how I'm fairly sure its what's actually held me back from accepting that I'm attracted to guys.

 

We talked some more about my attraction to other guys... he doesn't "understand" it per se, doesn't see what could be at all attractive about it. I guess that's a good thing considering if he could understand in terms of being able to relate to it that probably would cause problems with his relationship with my mom.

 

He suggests that I go out and have sex with women to be sure >_<

 

I love Silven though, and to have sex with some woman just to find out what it feels like... I don't think I really care for the idea. On one hand I'm kind of curious, but I'm completely devoted to Silven. He's the one I want and even if it were just "meaningless" sex to find out what it feels like, I would feel wrong because Silven is the one I want. I couldn't explain that to him... not ready to tell him about Silven yet, not until Silven has moved to Florida and we've known each other in person for a while.

 

Dad wasn't the only one with questions once we got to this part of the conversation. It was hard to preface things with hypotheticals, but I did. I asked "if I turn out to be with a guy, will that be a problem for you?" His answer remained "I'd rather see you with a woman, but its your decision, we're not going to throw you out or anything" he took it one step further and answered a question I had before I'd even asked it "and YES you can bring him over for Christmas!"

 

I love my Dad.

 

Edit, need to add some more here:

 

I did a lot of cutting my family out of my life when I was growing up. Talking to my dad like I have over the last couple weeks... I know I wasn't much of a son while I was growing up and I can't go back and be his son as a child, in effect, I took my childhood from more than myself, I took it from him too. After this talk... I'm going to try to make things right between him and me. I can't be his son as a kid again, but I can be his son as an adult. So... I'm going to have more talks with him about me, let him get to know me better as an adult... can't possibly say everything that needs to be said in one talk, but I will be talking to him more.

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WOW. I'm really glad your Dad accepts you the way you are. :2thumbs: And if you bring Silven and your kid over for Christmas you'll win over the other family-members too :D

 

:hug:

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Dem, :hug:

 

 

That had to be one of the hardest conversations of your life. I'm so happy for you that your dad is being so understanding and supportive of you. Absolutely priceless.

 

 

:hug:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B)

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When he asked... it was definitely a shock to me at first, but I could tell the conversation was headed in that direction, so I had some time to prepare myself... actually, I've had a lot of time to prepare myself to have this kind of conversation with my dad. I wouldn't have been able to talk to him like this and definitely not about this a month and a half ago. I owe a lot to GA, the people here, and especially Silven for this. Thanks Guys!

 

Also, just added a little bit more to the entry, in case you didn't catch it.

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Wow Demetz ...

 

I see a problem growing inside you now. You made a decision not to share what happened for fear of how your family would react, and you fear sharing Silven with them for how they will react.

 

I can see you starting to blame yourself for the distance between you and your family. It is natural, it was your choice to hide the truth. When you were young it was fear of having done wrong or for getting hurt. Then it became status quo with nothing to be gained and everything to be lost. As you pulled away to protect them from what you held inside, they could not have been ignorant. Yes, they may have thought that it was simple teenage behavior. You don't sound like you were the type to get into extra trouble or into drugs. You seem to be the type who was lost and looking for something to allow your life to make some semblance of sense. It is easy to see the problems with a child when there is a sudden change in behavior. It is when the changes are slow and gradual that the probelms are hard to spot. If the child does not eventually act out in an extreme fashion, the unobservant parent will never notice. You blame yourself for pulling away from your family as though you had some other choice. You were simply trying to maintain your safety as you understood it. At each step along the way, reaffirming the choice made sense, in that combination of relived childhood memories and the understanding of the current circumstances in your growing brain.

 

The danger I see is, now that this information is out in the open, you are apt to start blaming yourself more and more for the distance you created, and the things you have lost that can never be recovered. None of it is your fault. It is obvious that your parents did not have the son they had hoped for when you were growing up. They wanted a son who was more a part of the family. They wanted a son who was happy and connected. They thought it was just you being you, and they were right. What they didn't realize and you couldn't tell them is that there is a "you" inside that wanted to be connected, wanted to be a part of the family but could not risk the rejection for fear of what he already had. It was not you who dropped the ball, it was your parents. There is no such thing as "typical" teen behavior, if they wanted a child who was more connected, they should have worked harder to find out why you weren't. The fact that your parents finally figured out that something was wrong, even what it may be, tells me that they never meant to drop the ball. It tells me that, just like you, they thought they were doing the right thing. When they figured out they might not have, your dad came to you and asked you one of the questions that no parent ever wants to feel the need to ask, much less hear the feared answer. It is so much easier not to ask the question and deal with the consequences. Just like it is so much easier not to tell and deal with the consequences. As little as 2 weeks ago, you were never going to tell, and just live with that separation, particularly since Silven would just most likely add to it. Your dad did the right thing, he did the brave thing that many parents are unable to do. He did his job. It was his responsibility to try. it is the responsibility of every parent to work their hardest to maintain emotional and physical contact with their children, regardless of the age of the child. Even as an adult, you are always a son first.

 

At this point in time, I think it is right not to share Silven with them. Unless you have experienced it, you cannot understand what an online relationshipp can mean; how real it can be. They most likely will not understand and may come off skeptical. Once you have had time to build an "offline" relationship, then you will be ready to tell your family regardless of if they are ready to hear it. But you can always bring him over for Christmas, and that really says all you need to know.

 

I might add, as a parent, you want what is best for your children even if they don't want it. We force our kids to go to school when the very thought of it is more than they can take. We make them do chores, when often it is quicker and easier to do it ourself. We want to hide the bad and highlight, even exagerate the good. We all want our children to be straight, to fall in love with someone of the opposite gender, have a wonderfull loving marriage that lasts for decades without any problems. We want them to get along in society never knowing what the local police uniform, or hospital tile looks like. We want them to sleep well every night. Having a child be straight makes all (or most) of those things easier to believe possible. When you are young you think that love is sufficient to overcome all problems, and it isn't. When who you choose to love, or who you are attracted to places you outside of the norm, makes you something that stands out and is easily noticed, parents fear. So yes, even the most enlightened parents would prefer that their children be straight, but more important than sexuality is happiness. While parents have many dreams and desires for their children, none is really stronger than the hope that they are happy with the life they make for themself. It sounds to me that you have a good dad who is struggling to connect with a son he doesn't understand, but loves more than he can ever explain to any living soul.

 

It would be a wonderful world if every child was so blessed.

 

:king: Snow Dog

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Snowy has some good points, but this one stands out most, And needs to be understood most.

The danger I see is, now that this information is out in the open, you are apt to start blaming yourself more and more for the distance you created, and the things you have lost that can never be recovered. None of it is your fault.

 

 

 

It's not your fault.

 

 

 

 

 

B)

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I'm so glad things with your dad went well and seem to be heading in a good direction! That's awesome :D

 

Snowy's post is excellent and very insightful!

 

Good luck with everything! :)

 

Kevin

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