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Demetz

Old wounds mostly healed

http://www.gayauthors.org/efiction/viewsto...&chapter=11   I wrote this several months ago, but at that time I could not quite bring myself to actually post it among the other poems I have written for Silven... however, as time has passed, and much of the pain has eased, I think it may be suitable after all. Its not the happiest poem, it certainly took a lot out of me, though at that time it was more reflecting pain already present... even in pain though, and perhaps its just the survivali
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Demetz

Sometimes...

I am only your boyfriend some of the time. The rest of the time I am nothing. My voice has no words My mind is without content My heart has no value I exist, as only a broken shadow in your mind. For I am only your boyfriend some of the time.   I look back through my blogs here, public and private... I look back through e-mails, many I never sent... I look back over my life and for so... so long I have been unhappy - in a desperate struggle with my boyfriend to get him to show the love h
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Posessive-Obsessive Exes

Last night... what a trip.   I get a call from Aaron who I hadn't heard from in two weeks apologizing about not calling because he'd not had any access to a phone and the bitch of a roomate who does have a phone refused to let him use it.   He says that he and a bunch of friends, including his ex, are going to be meeting at a park to hang out for a while and he invites me to come along. So I do - this is about 10pm. By around midnight the other friends have all left and its just me, Jere
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A Mach 3 Bath

I Have to say that a person can never fully comprehend the sheer amount of surface area there is to the human body... until they attempt to shave it. I just spent three hours in the tub and went through three razors... and I'm still not finished. Got m upper arms, shoulders, chest, stomach, what I could reach on my butt, and my my legs north of my knees. On the agenda tomorrow: what I can reach of my back and my lower legs. Day three comes the touch ups and hopefully day four onward will just b
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Computer Games... my single greatest vice

I can't tell you how many countless times I have played a game on the computer instead of doing something far more important. Usually the something far more important has been studying. I'm strongly considering handing my computer to a roommate and asking him to hide it from me until the semester is over so I won't have the temptation anymore.   I'm taking in five weeks a number of classes that would normally be taken over the course of four months. I should be studying instead of playing game
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Vacation outing

So my mom flew in to Kansas City Missouri to visit her family a few weeks ago. She managed to not tell my grandmother about me being gay and having a boyfriend for the entire trip... almost. This morning they printed off a bunch of the pictures on her camera and among them was one of Silven. My grandmother asked who he was... my mom said he was a friend of mine; she asked how we knew each other, mom said we met over the internet; she asked what we had in common and.. .well... my mom doesn't know
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New Content Block

For my own amusement, I started keeping track of how many new reads and reviews I was getting for each of my stories as well as keeping track of how many new chapters are being put out on a week to week basis... this helps me track how popular stories are in the present, rather than just how many times they have ever been read. My good friend TL The Writing Tiger mentioned that would be an excellent thing to add to a blog... and so I tried to do just that... the thing is, it wouldn't all fit int
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Nathan and David Part 3 on the way

Okay, I admit, its been ages sinces I've posted a new chapter of... anything >__<   However, I do have a new chapter of Nathan and David on the way, it just needs a bit of editing to polish it offf... the problem is... If you've talked with me before, you've always heard it referred to as the final part of Nathan and David.   This is no longer the case as I now have some insidious, explosive, boiling hot plans for our boys and their honeymoon.   In any case, be on the lookout for so
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Church; Poem

Last night at around midnight my mom knocked on my door and asked me to go to church with her, saying I should get some sleep so I could wake up early enough if I wanted to go. I am not a very religious person, and there are things about Christianity that will probably keep me from ever becoming a devout Christian, and while I really would rather not have gone, she didn't ask me as a matter of normal routine. My mom is not exactly the most religious person either; she goes to church when she nee
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Returning to the previous schedule as best as possible

Okay, so... after some clearing up by the administration as to what constitutes porn in their eyes, i will soon be posting Nathan and David part 2, not quite on the schedule i had hoped, but probably within a week. Liberty Island will remain behind the scenes and a chapter of Webs should be on its way by some time in the middle weeks of the month. Sorry about all the confusion.   Also, while you're here, I updated the story tracker to give a summary for the month of march. Hopefully at some po
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Grad school... a far off dream

... that may forever remain so.   Its not that I couldn't do the coursework, I could. Its not that I can't complete all the prerequisites... I can. Its not that I lack the ambition to try courses actually requiring thought, or that I lack the writing ability to do a master's thesis. I excel at analysis and have no problem writing.   Its that I don't have the funds to sign the check to the school, nor is my credit history sufficient enough to merit borrowing against my soul. I would have to b
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Yippee!

Yes! I finally got my computer back! *does a happy dance   Okay, so a couple months ago my videocard burnt out. If I had money, it could have been fixed in two days. I didn't have money, so I had to go out and get some... finally got the money and everything all ready, sent it in, and have it back again! I can finally start writing again and of course, I'll be dropping by chat much more often now. I'm officially a part of the community again.   ~Deme
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Reflecting on a turbulent past

I wrote this poem some time ago, and I'm posting it again now, with some extra stanzas. It tells my story pretty well I think.   I was walking across a rope bridge Behind me, my life without you Before me, the day I move in with you Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream Below me lay a vastly wide river Moving warm and slow To nowhere I'd rather go Than the other side.   You were standing on the other side When I saw you disappear, And a moment of confusion crossed my mind When yo
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Okay, so its been a while...

A general update on things....   Gavin and I are friends, and not more. His low sex drive and disinterest in the romantic did not make him a good match for me for a boyfriend... we're still friends though. I actually just got him a job working at the same theater I'm working at.   Oh yeah, I got a job working at a theater. The pay sucks, but I do like the job and the people I work with.   I'm looking at a job elsewhere, if I can go to work as a waiter in a restaurant around here, I think
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Crazies

So yesterday I was going to class and in front of the building stood two crazies. One had tied a cross to himself from which hung a sign. One side said "Turn or burn" the other said something to the effect of "Jesus: your savior or judge?" Perhaps I'm mistaken but it appears that last one is a bit contradictory and the former rather counterproductive. Regardless, their rantings, ravings, and random insults to passing students was quite amusing - as were the cops who showed up when they were draw
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Standardized testing... yawn

So Yesterday after I got out of class I noticed a flyer about a lecture to be held regarding "The hundred Languages of Children." Well, being only a few weeks away from co-fatherdom I decided I'd drop in on that lecture, thinking it was going to be about children... what with the topic being the hundred languages of children.... as you can probably tell, for the most part it had very little to do with children. It was mildly interesting to down right sleep inducing to watch Mr. Pence talk about
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Family de genetics & Roomates by... ugh, they suck

A few things to go over... I'll start with the more depressing so I can leave off on a high note.   Well, I've been out to much of my family for several months now. The only one I can see ever actually accepting me is my dad. With my mother... any time the subject of Silven or the baby comes up I get an icy cold vibe from her. My guess as to why: she's attending a pentecostal church. There is no room in a good pentecostal family for a gay son, much less a gay son's boyfriend and his son - and
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Defense Mechanisms; Fear of the Uncertain

I spent a lot of my life hiding from myself, in more ways than one. Psychologists say that the mind and body each develop certain defense mechanisms to make it through the stresses in our lives. As with all things with me, this is rather complicated.   It seems as though the defense mechanisms I developed were in place for so long that I fear now they have grown to become and are more a part of me than what they were defending. I don't understand the how and why of it, my only explanation is t
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Islam and homosexuality

As many of you may already be aware, I am an ex-Muslim apostate. I converted to Islam in the summer of 2004, deserted it in late spring 2006. Among various other issues for my departure from that religion is the Islamic stance on homosexuality. I inquired about it on Islamonline.net, having been previously referred to that site as a legitimate site for the discussion of Islam.   This was my post:    
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General plan for education

On the financial side I'm looking at loans, loans loans.   I'll be taking four courses this summer, and another five in the fall to complete my bachelor's by december.   In January '08 I will start graduate school. I will be completing it as quickly as possible, since I'll be taking out loans to pay for it and live off of. Five courses in the spring, four over the summer, and five more in the fall will have all my coursework finished in one year. Spring of '09 will see me doing my thesis and
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Been a couple weeks

Yesterday I realized again just how much I love Silven. Just the thought that it might not be until December that I see him had me upset...   I suppose in a way its a good thing that I'd get upset at the idea of not seeing him sooner...   Anyway... I was pretty annoyed with myself last night, I got home too late to talk to him, he'd already gone to work. And now this morning my Internet connection was cut off, so I couldn't get on until seven... I guess he's asleep now... hopefully sleeping
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Morning musing

The first Thoughts as I wake up My last as I go to sleep The subject of my dreams The star of my fantasies If Ever before There was any doubt I am in love now This, I want to shout     I wrote this within a few minutes of waking up this morning.   Today will be a good day.
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Encouraging Conversation

I had a very encouraging conversation with my Dad this morning... glad I got to sleep early enough last night to see him before he left.   We started out talking about politics... both of us are very disappointed in the available candidates. He mentioned McCain... I said I felt betrayed by his recent pandering to the religious right, that I thought it was a big mistake on his part since those are precsisely the people who hate him and the people who liked him are the kind who don't care much f
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One exam left!

So yesterday I took two exams, one in Management of information resources in the public sector, and the other in Contemporary political philosophy.   I'm not sure how I did on the first one, but I'm not especially concerned either. I would have to get below a fifty in order to not get an A in that class. As for Contemporary Political Philosophy... that one I gambled on a bit, and my gamble worked great.   You see, we were told that 6 questions would be on the exam, 3 in each of two sections.
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Campaign/Political Carreer and how I would deal with inevitable slander

As for the decision to run... I'd probably do what I'm sure plenty of politicians do and get the family together, talk with them about it, and after hearing their concerns make the decision from there. I think the only person who would hold an absolute veto in my mind is my boyfriend... maybe our son as well, but I would stilll want input from everyone.   As noble as it might sound to refuse to even acknowledge the inevitable slander... I know me well enough to know that I couldn't go on day a
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