Last night at around midnight my mom knocked on my door and asked me to go to church with her, saying I should get some sleep so I could wake up early enough if I wanted to go. I am not a very religious person, and there are things about Christianity that will probably keep me from ever becoming a devout Christian, and while I really would rather not have gone, she didn't ask me as a matter of normal routine. My mom is not exactly the most religious person either; she goes to church when she needs it, and I know she feels uncomfortable going alone. So, I put aside my own lack of comfort with a church setting and today I went with her. I know what its like needing a spiritual outlet, and if my being there helps her, then I can stoically stick it out. That's what I tell myself anyway.

In truth I don't really mind the bible study portion of church. I haven't really grown up in a strongly Christian house, and my knowledge of the Bible is sorely lacking. There are those who say that the Bible is simply fiction and not worth studying... rather it is fictitious or not I'm always up for an intellectual analysis of philosophy and the Bible is packed with it. Of course, my "its debatable" approach doesn't always go over well with those who believe it to be God's word in printed paper form.

Its interesting how you can learn things from people's facial expressions. The Bible study session focused on honesty and being honest with other people about who we are, what sorts of problems we struggle with and so forth. It was general consensus that pride and an unwillingness to take the risk of exposing oneself, becoming vulnerable to other people when we could far more easily up a facade and live with that. I took the message of that seesion to be that we were supposed to be more open. Brother McDaniel, who led the session, then went on to talk about not making judgements on other people, about how part of why people fear becoming open is the judgments that get passed upon them. As an example he said "Hypothetically, what if I had come in here and told you all that I struggle with pornography? Would you look at me the same? Would you still have as much respect for me?" Looking around I could tell that for many people the answer was no to both. Looking back I can see that I was working on a different level than the ones he was trying to reach out to. Too bad I didn't realize that at the time. I said "I'd have a great deal more respect for you, and feel much more able to open up and talk to you if you could do that." Looking around... the others there did not agree with me. Looking at Brother Mc Daniel, I was pretty sure he was suprised at my response. He asked how many people look at porn, pausing for an answer, I said what I'm sure everyone thought, "everyone does, its universal."

Looking at the other guys I could tell I was right, but they seemed much more guilty or embarrassed about it than me. A copule of girls looked embarrassed, several looked disgusted ... rather or not it was honest disgust I'm not sure. Later on he mentioned that he had bought some software to put on his computers to block internet pornography and things like that but still didn't feel sure about it with his kids. I said he's right, we find ways to get around just about any kind of blocking software there is, the obvious implication being that I've looked at porn, as if they hadn't figured it out already.

All that talk about honesty and being open doesn't seem to work so well with people who have been taught to be ashamed of themselves first and seek help last. Rather or not that gets taught intentionally, it happens. Its like with parents who inadvertantly teach their kids to lie. "Did you steal the cookie" in a tone of voice that tells a child if they say yes they'll be in trouble has the double effect of telling them that if they say no they shouldn't be. Similarly, "This is the way you should act morally" has the effect of adding on "or else you are a bad person" even if that is not taught directly. Combined with the social pressures of "you don't want to be a bad person because bad people go to hell," or in the case of this church which seems less brimstone based "you don't want to be that way because it leaves you further from god" it has the added effect of "and then you won't be part of our group, but an exile with no place with us" As with the child and the cookie, it breeds dishonesty, but while the parent can very quickly identify the lie with the cookie thieving child, in our personal lives there is only ourselves, and we can safely build our walls and be dishonest, with others if not ourselves. So what's the problem? Why can't everyone keep their true selves a secret to the world and deal with each other as though every one were a saint?

The answer is complex and for the purposes of putting my thoughts here its going to be pretty disorganized.

There are a number of problems with a world of this form of dishonesty. Like it or not, we are all human. We all have our problems, our mistakes, and our tragedies. Everyone has a murky past. When we find ourselves in a position where we are expected to keep these things to ourselves, we internalize them in a way that is not healthy. When we live in a world where everyone is expected to believe and behave a certain way and we step outside of that set of approved behavior we isolate ourselves. We draw apart from the community and fall into ourselves, more and more, especially if we do not agree that the behaviors in question are morally wrong. We end up wrapped in ourselves, while still trying to keep up the facade of being up to the same standards we think everyone else is following.

This is not healthy either for the community or the individuals. The walls get built up high and even if they are built exceedingly well, eventually they come crashing down upon their builders. The community in turn is forced to react as though shocked when it happens to someone, but in reality the collapse of one person's walls just weakens everyone else's and people end up in an internal panic. Some patch their's up quick with little difficulty, others scramble to patch irreparable damge, for some that damage is just enough to set off a long decline, for others the collapse of the first person's walls destroys their own. The mess it makes of a community is not good. The hell it puts people through is not good.

There should be enough openess in a community that people can share their problems without having to fear other people's scorn. In terms of a church oriented community, people's first concerns should be getting help and helping others, not what judgments others will have against them. They should be able to let God handle judgment when that time comes and be able let it go at that. Unfortunately, it seems all too often morality is held not a principle of virtues to be striven toward if never fully reached, but as vice on people's hearts or bludgeon in the hands of the less scrupulous so-called moral crusaders.

Enough of that though. I finished writing a story I've been working on. I'll probably take a day or two to tweak it here and there. I also made my first submission to the e-fiction archives. I wrote the poem a few years ago back when I was busy not paying attention in French class, hope you guys like it.

http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...1cd480c90a84b1e