Sometimes the best thing to do is face your fear head-on. I've been reading online a bit, about people who are or have failed out of graduate school. What I realize is that I'm not alone at all about feeling scared about failing, or realizing that I went into this process completely blind and uncomprehending about the pitfalls and troubles I could face. There's this interesting site by a woman who left her PhD program four years in. I thought it was pretty interesting:

Straight Talk About Graduate School

It's good for me to read about a woman who lived through my greatest fear- not succeeding in graduate school- and got through to the other side. This woman was a model student in college- she graduated with a 3.97, and well-loved by faculty. If she could fail, it can happen to anyone- and on the flip side...I remember reading about a guy who graduated college with a 2-something like I did and wound up a tenured faculty member. It really does seem like it's a combination of the individual and the environment they end up in.

From her story and from a bit of others....here's what I'm taking to heart, and will keep reminding myself as I go through this experience, for however long it may be. It could be less than one semester or it could be seven years...and I'll keep this all in mind.

1. If I fail, that means that I'm not suited for an academic life. It does not mean I'm stupid or I'm not a talented person. It means I wasn't a right fit. I want a 4.0, and I'll go after it the best I can. If I wind up with a C in all my classes and am kicked out, I will not take that as a mark of me being unable to hold an intelligent conversation or that I have nothing to offer the world because I didn't make it in the academic one.

2. I will not let myself get entirely consumed by academia. I will work my hardest, but I won't make it my entire life. I will try to balance other interests I have- having friends, bonding with family, doing activities like acting, and maybe even occasionally having a beer at the bar. I will not let myself feel isolated, or feel that if I fail this M.A. attempt, I don't have anything else in my life. That could lead to a very dark road with some very dark consequences, and I refuse to go down that.

3. I will continually engage myself into activities that remind me why I fell in love with history, such as going to living history museums and watching re-enactments. I will read or watch something about periods of history that I'm not covering in class for my own personal enjoyment when I have time to spare. There's a Jimmy Stewart museum here, and I'm definitely going to visit it when I get the chance.

4. I will accept that sometimes life takes you in other directions, and what I want at the age of 24 might be entirely different in two years.

5. I will create an escape plan for myself if graduate school does not work out. I'll audit some computer classes, maybe learn about how to temp and work in an office. If I flunk out, I will take community college courses back home and learn some different kinds of trade.

Here's a quote from the site above that explains why you need a back-up plan, and it was pretty enlightening:

• [*]Feeling that you can't leave makes you an easy target for abuse, because the consequences of standing up for yourself could be being forced out.[*]Feeling trapped robs you of perspective on your situation, leaving you with an all-or-nothing, total-success-or-total-failure mindset that is unhealthy and unsound.[*]Feeling trapped adds stress to every decision you make, because when you feel you have nowhere to go, you don't dare make a decision that could force you to leave or get you kicked out. Even relatively minor decisions can carry heavy costs