I have done a lot of thinking lately about the things that have happened over the last year or so. It hasn't even been a full year, though with everything that has gone on, it sure feels like it should have been well over a year. Now, let me make it perfectly clear, this blog entry isn't meant to be a "poor me" blog entry. I hope it doesn't come out that way, but if it does, I apologize in advance. A lot of what I am sharing has been shared in more detail in some of my previous blog entries over the last little while, but since a lot of this has been an ongoing thing, I feel the need to update.

The downhill slope seemed to have started at the beginning of December when we found out that my brother had been diagnosed with cancer. It was an agonizing wait as we were told first one thing and then another. First we were told something that didn't sound too bad, then something that could be a for sure death sentence, and then we were finally told that he had stage 4 Leukemia. Luckily, it proved to be very treatable. Several rounds of chemotherapy, several rounds of tests and blood work, a few multi-day/week hospital stays, and nine months later I'm happy to say he is cancer free. For now. There is no guarantee that it won't come back, and it is a fear that we will always live with, but for now we still have him with us and that is something we are certainly grateful for.

Back in March, we almost lost our niece during childbirth. Our doctors here are truly idiots (trust me on this one, there are so many horror stories that if me and hubby ever have kids, we're going elsewhere for pre-natal care and delivery). It was touch and go for nearly 4 days but in the end, both our niece and great-niece made it through.

In the midst of my brother's cancer scare, I had my own health issues. In March I found out that I had Keratoconus. Basically a eye issue that means I have to wear hard contacts or face a cornea transplant in the far distant future. Only problem, I have issue upon issue with the stupid contacts and still can't hardly wear them for more than a few hours a day. But, overall that's a fairly minor thing. In April I had the passing out issue that resulted in me being diagnosed as pre-diabetic. Though the results were close enough to being type 2 diabetic that they may as well have said I was diabetic. Needless to say that was a scare that my family didn't need at the time. Eating healthy is a very hard thing for me, as I've never been good at eating on a regular basis, but I'm trying and I'm at least doing better. In July, I had an issue while I was out camping with my family at the lake. It is suspected that I had a partial-complex seizure. On top of the other issues, this was a set-back that I really didn't need. Especially as it really limits what I can do as I can't do any long-distance driving and even a drive to the next town (a ten minute drive) is questionable. For months prior to all of this, I was also suffering from constant migraines, at least a couple of times a week, that were so bad I literally couldn't function because I couldn't see. (I had really bad aura migraines where my vision goes all wonky). Anyways, I got put back on anti-seizure meds which have the plus side of being anti-migraine meds as well. Since then, no migraines and no problems that we know of.

What brought on all of this thinking? I went to see my grandma the other day. I did a blog post about her not to long ago. She had undergone surgery in July, just days after being diagnosed with cancer. I only found out the other day that it was a stage 4, fast growing cancer. She survived the surgery but three weeks later was still in the hospital. Then, she got an infection that required another surgery that they weren't sure she'd survive. The choices were surgery or to make her comfortable, the doctors advice (what he would do if it was his mother) was to make her comfortable. Grandma was lucid that day (one of the very rare moments she wasn't hallucinating) and SHE decided she wanted the surgery. Well, she survived the surgery and is currently in a rehabilitation place. As I said, I went to visit her the other day. My Aunt was there when I arrived and told me I picked a good day to visit as she was having a good day. If that was a good day, I don't want to know what a bad day was.

I found out later that it being a good day meant that she actually was making sense and wasn't warning you to move before the elephants that were in her room stepped on you. (ie. hallucinations). Well, in the couple of days since my visit, I guess she has taken another downturn according to the phone call I received from my mom. It is a constant roller coaster of emotion with my family lately. It's like one day we're getting a sliver of hope and the next we're preparing ourselves to say good-bye and honestly it is emotionally exhausting. Also, I was absolutely furious after my visit when I found out that one of my cousins, who lives five minutes from the rehab facility has not even been to see our grandmother. Apparently her mom has told her that she just can't handle seeing her. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to see her like that, but out of all of my cousins, I am the emotional one. I always have been, always will be. It was hard, but the one thing is, I will be the one who won't have the regret that I didn't go see her and honestly, I feel sorry for my cousin because she is the one who will have to live with her decision.

My other grandmother is also having some issues at the moment, but we haven't heard back on what her test results are, so I'm not entirely sure what is going on with that at the moment.

To add into all of this, my husband's grandmother passed away. To be fair, this was a grandmother that he has been estranged from for years and years, so he's not close with her at all. In the over seven years that we have been together, I have met her two, maybe three times, and that's only been in the last six months or so. The only real reason that we're even going to the service is in support of his dad. After we talked about it, he decided that he does need to go to the service to be there for his dad, no matter his feelings for his grandma. What gets me is that as of right now, none of his siblings are going. I guess I'm just the type that regardless of their feelings for her, they should go to show their support of their dad, to let him know that they are there for him.

All in all, it's been a rough less than a year. I won't say there hasn't been any pluses. All of the issues that the family has gone through have actually managed to bring our family closer together. My husband and I went on a vacation and after a short stay at Mt. Rushmore, we went and spent a few days with my brother in Wisconsin. I hadn't actually seen him in probably five years, so it was good to get to go and spend some quality time with him.

While I know that things are likely to get worse before they get better, especially with my one grandmother, I can only hope that things start to get better soon. Until then, what can I do but take things one day at a time and doing what I can to stay sane. That does include writing when I can keep my focus to do so and I hope to be able to get back to work on my unfinished stuff soon because it is driving me insane to know that I have some projects that have been on hold for so long!!!!