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So I should be sleeping, because I'm supposed to be getting up in the morning and going to compete, only, despite the time spent training and helping to set up tonight, i really don't want to go. I always loved to complete, especially when i was younger, but these last few years, the thought of having to go out there in a ring in front of people leaves me sitting up the night before in tears, trying to think of a million and one excuses to just skip out and go hide some where. I've felt that feeling creeping up on me all week and yet no really good excuse has come to mind yet. There are times when I close my eyes and i still see myself as I was when I was 18, 19, 20, and i see myself going through the form, or breaking the boards and I feel that old surge of confidence that i used to have, until I'm reminded that I'm 37 now and have damaged an ankle and hurt a knee and wrecked a shoulder and aren't as fast, and can't break as much and just plain flat out ain't as good as I used to be and how all the weight i've gained as just slowed me down even more and I ask myself why i am even going to bother going out there and embarassing myself by thinking I can even do any of this anymore when all i really, really want to do is crawl under the covers and pull them up over my head and say i was sick or something and just can't go.


I don't know, in 6 hours the alarm is going to go off, and i don't want it to. I'm not ready and a part of me really just wants to quit all together and not even bother to train anymore.


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We all feel the insecurities that creep up as we get older. But don't let that keep you from something you enjoy. Injuries are one thing to slow you down, but I'm reading more anxiety in that text than anything else. You won't embarrass yourself by going out and doing your best. You'll prove your fears don't own you.




Now go kick someone's ass...

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You can do it.  We all slow down.  That doesn't mean we have to stop.  Chin up.  Show'em what you've got.  When it's over, you'll be glad you did.  Just be careful!  :)

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Whenever I'm in a triathlon and see some 70 year old on the course, I think "I want that to be me when I'm that age."   I bet there are a lot of younger people thinking that about you.  Show them the love you have for the sport, the joy you take from working with your horse.  Show them that doesn't diminish with age. 

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Thank you guys :) You were right Mann, it was mostly anxiety and not feeling ready for the start of tournament season and just really overthinking what i needed to do today. I did go to the tournament, (mostly because my daughter was about to have a fit when i even suggested not going, since I'm her coach, and I started the day judging, but i did compete, and low and behold, my whole division was my age and older and i didn't embarass myself at all. :) thanks again folks. 

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May I ask what sort of competition it was? Your initial blog sounded like martial arts to me, yet Percy was speaking of working with your horse. I didn't see some of the injuries you listed as particularly detrimental to show competition unless you are in the 4 foot classes.

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It was a martial arts competition. I used to spar, a lot, now i stick mostly to forms and breaking, because i just can't handle the stress the rapid movements in sparring put on my knee and angle, even with forms I have to be careful of any jump kicks, and not to land wrong. 

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