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Slow Motion.


GREEN

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I thought about everything that happned last night. My mental break down. I reread what I had written. It really felt good to write that but In the same sense it made me think about where I was mentally last night. I could have easily told my friends yet I am always hesitant to hinder then with my problems. This si why I feel like I am losing my mother. I wanted to tell her so many times in the past week but I always failed at it.

 

I came home today with every intention of telling my friends everything but when I walked into my house everyone seemed happy and was sharing stories about last nights party. Chaz was playing with Selene's daughter and David was telling everyone how everything went with the waiter. They didnt even notice that I had come home. Selene's daughter was the only one to see me. She didn't say anything. The sad part is that I felt like I was intruding on them so I left again.

 

I dont know how I came to feel like a stranger in my own home and the more I think about it it freaks me out. I want to feel normal again but this tumor thing has made feel like I'm lost and moving in slow motion. As I drove away I realized that I am afraid of looking weak in front of my friends. I have never looked weak in front of anyone except for Jonathan but that's because he's more of a brother to me and we've been through alot together since kindergarten. Besides he can see right through me.

 

So my personal odyssey has taken me to my friends house at the beach. he said I could stay with him for a few days. I sent Chaz a message explaining that I need to be alone and not to worry I am not leaving him. I Emailed Dave and Selene, telling them that I would be back in a few days.

 

 

GREEN as the day takes me.

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Good for you Green.

 

Sadly I feel you are in this place right now that I'm hopping you can get yourself out of. Health issues are not easy to take, trust me I know. I've been there, but not with what you are going though now.

 

Remember this though, life sucks. Yeah words of the wise. :blink: Actual what I mean is. I've been there were you feel you don't belong with your friends anymore. The sad part is somethings it's fate telling you it is time for you to move on. Before you take that leap though I have also learned that Friends are there for a reason. We share our problems and help each other though it.

 

Most of my friends wouldn't be there at the drip of a hat for me like yours are. So keep that in mind when you talk to you friends.

 

Ask yourself this. ARe they going to feel more hurt that you felt that you couldn't come to them or because you tried to spare them from your pain.

 

We affect those around us, regarless if they like us or not. As a result we should embrase the fact that they are apart of our lives regarless of the good and the bad.

 

Take care dude. Remember we are here for you :2thumbs:

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Heya Green

 

Wow, you have been through the mill over the last few weeks.

 

When you went to the doctors and he told you about the tumours, you had it in your mind that it was a death sentence. You had to face your own mortality.

 

That is the funny thing about us humans, we will fight to live and we will fight to die. What I mean by this is that no one wants to die. All of us want to live forever but when the time comes, we want death to be on our own terms.

 

Just ask the guy who has had half his body cut away and gone through the pain of chemotherapy or radiotherapy, fighting to survive each day. Just ask the woman who has had her body burnt in a fire and is stuggling on life support. Just ask the baby who was born premature and stuggles to breathe in a humidicrib. Each one is fighting for his or her life, fighting to survive.

 

Then there is the person who is stuggling though life and wants to die, but when he is ready...and he doesn't have the strength to swallow the pills or throw himself off a tall building.

 

Life and death...a small phrase that means very little to those who have never faced their own mortality.

Death and life...the longest and most meaningful sentence in the world for those who are just taking each day at a time, hoping for strength to get through it or get it over with.

 

Green, I read the second part of your story from the Shadow Boys. It really disturbed me with the scenes of death and pain and how you were trying to hide and run away from it all. But now it makes sense to me....sort of. In your story, almost everyone of your friends died...painfully...by an unknown assailant - "the man". In your story, you are facing death again, but you don't want to die...you are doing everything within your power to survive and ultimately, you go on with your life. It was almost a mirror image of what you thought was going to happen to you...a painful death while all your friends go on with their lives.

 

Back to real life now...Green, when you have a chance to think about it, do you think your friends will understand the battle you have been fighting within yourself? Maybe the reason that you don't want to talk to your friends or your mother about it because you don't think that they will understand?

 

Someone once said to me that they didn't want to talk about death or funerals because it was like inviting death to come to them. I could never understand that. Some people are so terrified that they will do or say something that will invoke the Grim Reaper to come and pay them a visit so it is better not to say a word and bury their heads in the sand. But being nothing better than an ostrich and keeping things inside ourselves and pretending that nothing is happening or that we aren't hurting, does nothing but make us sick and alienate those who are closest to us.

 

We affect those around us, regarless if they like us or not. As a result we should embrase the fact that they are apart of our lives regarless of the good and the bad.
Bard is right. Our lives affect those around us. And your friends love you unconditionally and unreservedly. They have been there for you on numerous occasions...sometimes to make your life better, sometimes to give you something to whinge about but mostly to love you and support you, even when you do stuff that, quite frankly, would p**s any one else off.

 

Here is another couple of questions to ask yourself. If it was Chaz, who had gone through this, would you want to be there to love and support him or would you rather he kept it inside himself and pretended that nothing was wrong? What about your mum? Would you want her to lie and pretend to you while inside she was screaming for understanding?

 

When you are ready to face your friends, who by the way love you unreservedly and unconditionally, and you tell them the truth about what you have been through and you fully explain why you feel the way you do and allow yourself to be supported, then you will know what it truely means to be a friend.

 

Sometimes the greatest gift that we can give to someone we love is to let them see our weaknesses and let them help us as we struggle to overcome those weaknesses or to deal with them.

 

I'm sorry Green, if I'm not sounding very supportive of you. I don't mean to be mean but I just had to say what I thought.

 

Bev

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You guys are totally right if they were going througgh this and they didnt tell me I'd be angry with them. I'd like them to know that they could count on me for anything, but when it comes to me I've always been the friend they came to. I just dont like the idea of going to my friends because they all have their own problems right now. Besides they always take someone else's side when I talk to them about anything. They took my mothers side during the liar situation.

 

Like I wrote before I hate the idea of being weak in front of them. Even though I am alright that was all I could think about. It drove me crazy and I dont know why? Yesterday I actually tried to tell them but I freaked.

 

Chaz called me late last nigth wanting to know where I was because he was coming for me. I didnt tell him. Selene came here this morning and myfriend told her I wasnt here. Good thing I hid my car in his garage. David didnt call but he left me an email telling me that he saw me come in the house. He said that he knew by the look on my face that something is really wrong but I'd talk when I was ready.

 

Chaz called again a little while ago and asked me what was going on. I told him I'd meet with him soon. I reassured him that I wasnt going to break up with him and I left it at that. I called Sleen back and I told her I was going somewhere and that I'd see her at school this week.

 

Right now I am preparing to be completely honest with these people. I have to be and I cant fail at it. The thing is that I will probably ask them to leave me alone for a few more days. I'm not the touchy feely type when it comes to stuff like this.

 

I am about to go tell my mother. I called her and my stepfather this morning and asked them to meet me for breakfast. I told them that we had alot to talk about and I didnt want the Liar around. I also called my father and he agreed to meet with me tonight. That one os going to be the hardest one because I had decided to not talk to him for a long time after our last argument but I feel that he needs to know too.

 

Thanks for your kind words guys.

 

GREEN

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Guest Rob Hawes

Posted

Bev is absolutely right mate - trust me, I've learned through experience. When I was diagnosed with lung cancer it was weeks before I told anyone, partly because I didn't know how to deal with it and partly because I was unwilling to burden them with my problems. The same thing happened when I was attacked last October - had my best friend not called that night I wouldn't have told anyone. The thing is, if any of them were having a problem I would hope and expect them to come to me and most of them do.

 

You should also consider the fact that if you don't tell your friends what's wrong they will see there's a problem and make assumptions - most of the time those assumptions will be far from the truth. If you need time and space then by all means take it, but at the very least call Chaz and let him know what's going on so he doesn't worry. He will understand, he will want to help, but he sounds like the sort of guy who will give you the space you need to deal with this.

 

You had a terrible shock when you found out about the tumors and now you're trying to deal with it. You're reassessing your life, second guessing your decisions and until you get your head straight you need space to think. The people who care about you need to know what's going on though. Let them support you as you would support them.

 

Rob

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Hey Green,

 

I'm proud of you for preparing to talk to everyone and tell them what's been going on. I also understand the need for "some space" while you sort everything out. I'm an odd sort of person: I love being around other people but I love being by myself too. I'd never be happy spend a considerable amount of time alone, and if I have been alone for long I start craving other human interaction. On the other hand if I've spent a considerable amount of time with other people and had very little time to myself I start to become desperate for a little "quiet time alone". Like you I feel like I can't solve my problems just by listening to other people. I want advice; support; understanding; and love. But ultimately I always feel like anytime I have a major decision to come to I need to make the final decision on my own after some quiet reflecting. So I can definitely relate to your situation.

 

It's also common not to "know how" to tell someone bad news. I mean you can't just say over breakfast "pass the butter please, oh and I might have cancer." However, I definitely think it's problematic if you "run away" to be on your own every time something happens. It's noble not to want to burden your friends but the truth is leaving someone to avoid hurting them is still leaving them. Even if it isn't permanent most people would rather have the information and make the decision on their own. As for worrying because they "have their own problems", well everyone is always going to have their own problems. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't have something on their mind at any given time.

 

Also think about how they feel now. They've been very worried and have interrupted their normal daily lives to try to find out what's wrong. Chances are they wouldn't have been as upset if you'd just discussed it with them. They could have dealt with it, and probably decided something along the lines of "well I'll be there and we'll face this together". There's nothing wrong with wanting some time to think about it on your own but there's other ways to do it. You could have told them what was going on first, had the conversations with them, then said: "I need to get away for a couple days and clear my head, please respect that". Or at least you could have said "I'm upset about something and I promise I'll discuss it with you guys later and there's really nothing you can do right now anyway, but I just really need to be on my own for a couple of days".

 

Finally let me conclude by sharing with you this little story from one of my all time favorite television series, Blake's 7 - a British Sci-fi from the late 70s/early 80s. In this one episode Blake's upset because one of the crewmembers has just gotten killed and feels like it was his fault and his responsibility. So he decides to exile himself for a couple of days on this uninhabited planet and decide if he can "reasonably ask that the rest of the crew continue to follow him", and otherwise sort out his guilt and feelings. As soon as they find out (from a video he's left behind) they conclude that it isn't really his decision to make about whether or not they should stay with him. Anyway naturally it turns out that the planet isn't a safe place and he almost gets himself killed, and everyone else finds themselves in much greater danger as they try to find and rescue him. Eventually at the end when he's rescued he says something along the lines of: "next time I want to think I'll just do it in my room". So anyway take from that what you will.

 

Now that I've probably thoroughly ticked you off and also convinced you that I'm a big sci-fi geek, let me just say that I wish you the very best in this and hope it all works out. Also I am proud of you for deciding to level with everyone. Let us know how it goes! Have an awesome day and take care.

 

Kevin

 

 

 

 

 

************************************

 

Bev is absolutely right mate - trust me, I've learned through experience. When I was diagnosed with lung cancer it was weeks before I told anyone, partly because I didn't know how to deal with it and partly because I was unwilling to burden them with my problems. The same thing happened when I was attacked last October - had my best friend not called that night I wouldn't have told anyone.

Rob

:hug::hug: Hope you're ok now, Rob. Take care and all the best,

Kevin

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Green, it sounds like you've just had a life-changing experience (that sounds like a cliche, but it's true.) That means the way you look at life has changed, so now all of the different parts of you (emotional, mental, pnysical) have to come to terms with that change and integrate it. Sometimes when that's happened to me, I've needed time to process it by myself, without any input from anyone else.

 

I don't know for sure that's what is going on with you, but I thought I'd throw it out there. You've got a lot to deal with already. It could be your friends will understand, could be they won't (or can't, if they haven't been there.) That doesn't mean they can't be supportive of you. Hopefully, you'll find the right person (or persons) to talk to about this when you're ready.

 

Kitty

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