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Blogging Schizophrenia


Camy

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I'm rather like that parrot in the Monty Python sketch. I'm pining, but not for the fjords. I want... I want some defining person to enter my life and tell me that it's really all going to be OK.

 

I blog here (well duh) and elsewhere too. Here I am probably as whole as I can be, in that I'm reasonably happy to discuss my sexuality; or as happy as I'm going to be anywhere I guess. However, and here's the rub: I can't be completely 'me' without talking about what else I do, and that scares the shit out of me. It's the 'outing' concept. Conversely on the other blog, and online places I visit, I can't talk about my sexuality...

 

So am I turning into more of a split personality than I was before I started blogging here? Is this doing me any good. Should I just bury the sexual 'me' and carry on my merry way. Or what...

 

I have two very close 'best' friends one male, the other the woman I live with platonically. They both know that I'm gay but they don't know how much I'm hurting at the moment. I guess ultimately there comes a point when you get fed up pretending and just say 'f**K it this is who I am. If you don't like it I don't care.' I can't seem to get to this point without backing away in terror. Not that I show it. I can't seem to cry either, and this oddly really upsets me. Crying is so cathartic, and lord I could use some tears now.

 

Sorry for the pathetic rhetoric. I'm not out to garner sympathy. I could, perhaps should be writing this privately; but this is GA and where else could I be so anonymously wimpy.

 

Camy. B)

5 Comments


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Hey Camy,

 

I'm really sorry to hear you feel so "divided". I can readily understand that, it's easy to feel like you're either hiding one part of yourself or the other. I suppose the "healthy" answer is to figure out a way to incorporate the two, but of course I understand that's not as easy as it sounds.

 

is you are out to your two best friends, maybe you really could talk to them about how you feel though. I know that's a difficult conversation to have, but maybe you could bring it up very casually and try to keep it light. It might still make you feel better.

 

Crying is cathartic, I think it's a learned skill. I'm much better at it now than I was four or five years ago. Don't give up on crying. I'm sure you'd rather cry about whatever particular things are bothering you, but if you can't perhaps you could watch a very sad movie, or read a really sad book or something and cry at that. Then look for more "crying" material. Eventually when crying becomes a more routine, accepted part of your life, it'll be easier to do it for personal reasons at the appropriate times.

 

It's strange about crying though, it rather seems to me like people actively try to avoid crying, or actively try to cry. If only everyone could just cry whenever the mood struck, and not worry about supressing it, or forcing it......Not likely to happen though.

 

Anyway I hope you feel better, and I hope you can come to whatever decisions will be necessary so that you can lead a happy, fulfilled life.

 

Good luck, and take care

Kevin

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Hiya Kevin,

 

Thank you so much for your comments. Once I'd written the blog entry I wasn't going to post it; then once I had, I was going to delete it... But I made a pack with myself that if I post I will never delete; on the basis that every entry is a 'slice of life', embarassing or not.

 

The division 'thing' is really hard, though I think we all do it to a greater or lesser degree - one person with the bank manager, another when out with collegues, and another with friends. The same person, just different aspects: That's day to day life.

 

My personal sexuality is now getting more vocal and demanding. It's upset, won't be denied, wants to be heard and is fed up of being ignored! I guess the bottom line is that I'm a repressed fool.

 

A lot of that is down to the British educational system. At school, especially single sex boarding schools you can't cry otherwise you're weak. It's the 'stiff upper lip' attitude... and EVERYBODY knows there is sex going on, but you don't talk about it... It's all just a nasty phase.

 

So. My best friends know I'm Gay, and I truly love them both dearly: but I'm living with the wrong one! Life can be a real bitch at times!

 

Anyway today is a fresh slice of life, and I feel so much better... Today.

 

Thanks again.

 

Camy B)

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Guest Kitty

Posted

Camy, it almost sounds like an alarm clock went off for you ... it's time! It's hard to live when you have to constantly repress (or not express) some basic parts of who you are. It has to do with personal integrity. ("Integrity" meaning not just honesty but wholeness as a human being.)

 

Up until now, I lived in a part of the U.S. where I always had to conceal a lot of who I am, and where I never really felt like I fit in or could freely express myself and have it appreciated. Now at age 52 I have moved cross-country, and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm really at home. So it's never too late. As you said, everyone's hiding to some extent. Some more than others, and sometimes it's essential, for various reasons (such as personal safety.)

 

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this.

 

Kitty

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Camy, it almost sounds like an alarm clock went off for you ... it's time!

 

Yes, Yes! That's a really apt analogy!!!

 

Though one of my other big problems is that I hate getting up in the morning, and have broken several alarm clocks along the way :lol: :wacko:

 

It'll all come right in the end, of that I have no doubt. It's like everyone knows Christmas will arrive eventually. It always does. I just want it now. NOW!

 

Thanks Kitty.

 

Camy B)

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Camy, it almost sounds like an alarm clock went off for you ... it's time! It's hard to live when you have to constantly repress (or not express) some basic parts of who you are. It has to do with personal integrity. ("Integrity" meaning not just honesty but wholeness as a human being.)

 

Up until now, I lived in a part of the U.S. where I always had to conceal a lot of who I am, and where I never really felt like I fit in or could freely express myself and have it appreciated. Now at age 52 I have moved cross-country, and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm really at home. So it's never too late. As you said, everyone's hiding to some extent. Some more than others, and sometimes it's essential, for various reasons (such as personal safety.)

 

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this.

 

Kitty

:2thumbs::D

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