Okay so ever since I got really sick and had to take that huge leave of absence and then I got back to work and I was still sick and have been out like four times in the last four months because of various things, I've been terrified of work.  My job gives me panic attacks sometimes, I always feel like I'm going to get into trouble.  Why do I feel like that?

Honestly, I'm a pretty great employee.  I mean everything I do is right in line with what they want for the most part, and where I excel oh boy do I EXCEL.  I take a serious sense of pride in measurable effects of my work.  I like metrics driven judgment, I like seeing the numbers go to where they need to be, I like feeling like I'm making that happen.  So again, why do I feel like that?

I have severe social anxiety and I work from home.  I hide my anxiety extremely well.  That's my coping mechanism (that and horribly inappropriate dark humor).  I fake it until I make it, so if I'm nervous around you, then I'm going to pretend I'm not until I don't feel that way anymore.  The issue is when you work from home and you have no daily interaction with your boss (or even monthly a lot of the time) or any other co-workers.  Don't get me wrong, I love not peopling, but it has downsides, like me always thinking they might secretly hate me because I can't look at them and figure out from their body language and tone how they feel.

Now that you have context, lemme explain what had happened today.  I logged on, bleary-eyed and sipping a Red Bull and checked my schedule and email.  Surprise meetings, multiple.  I was like "WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO IDIOTS ALL DAY?  I WILL GO FULL WHITE GIRL RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR TO CHRIST, I CANNOT EVEN."

My first thought was they were going to try to write me up for missing a few days because of the whole sick then hernia then doctor visit two states over then possible surgery sometime soon yada yada yada, like maybe they're just tired of dealing with me.  Turns out, they just assigned me a new quality person for scoring my contacts who wanted to go over some goals and that meeting was basically "So all your numbers are fine, whatcha wanna talk about?  Btw you really don't spend a lot of time on the phone with people, I mean they seem to love you, but feel free not to rush if you don't wanna.  OH and did you accept the new... wait, nevermind, forget I said anything."

I was like erm... huh?

Next meeting was a job offer.  Surprise!  A mostly lateral move, but with a good bit more opportunity for advancement and incentives.  Not to mention far, far less boring.  

All this just after they decided to start listening to me about quality procedures that were making life hellish.  I have to admit, I'm pretty happy with this direction they're going.  They're really listening to employees, taking the good ideas, running with them, and getting a lot better.  I'm sorta weirdly proud of them.  I haven't exactly worked for a company that's made me feel valued to the degree they have.  The beaten down corporate slave in me wants to scream "FUCK YOU AND YOUR CORPORATE GREED!" just as a general reaction after years of abuse in the service industry but the person in me is like "...dude, thanks for listening and trying, that's hella nice of you."

I'm genuinely surprised, and I have that tiny spark of possibility back.  I mean not gonna lie, still crazy depressed and generally filled with ennui, raging against the dying of the light, screaming into the void each day and hoping something dares to answer back, and I know you think I'm exaggerating but I'm really not, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  Good old Bob Ross always said you have to have opposites in life, good and bad, light and dark, to make you appreciate the good times later.  If these times have been that dark, then one can assume that perhaps it's merely preparation to appreciate more fully the nice times ahead.

In other news, I am refusing to admit it anywhere other than here, not even to friends or family, but the fact that Ryan/Chad and I no longer talk does make me sad.  The tiny psychologist that lives in my mind, however, keeps telling me "Don't be sad, remember what was wrong with him, remember his faults, remember how hard you tried and never forget that you tried even when you doubted it would work from the start.  Do not give him the time or the energy it takes to be sad, celebrate the happy memories you made, take what you learned, build from it.  And who knows, in days, weeks, months, or years from now, you may be able to forgive him and be friends again, after the hard feelings pass.  It would be doubly sad if you hardened your soul against future possibilites because of something that was truly neither of your faults (though it was entirely his fault)." <--- that last bit, my inner psychologist is a bit of a bitch, oh well.

In that same vein, I have another ex, the ex that I still talk to and love dearly.  His given name is Taylor, which is what he goes by now, but I call him Primus, which is a whole story.  It's not like I-wanna-be-with-him-forever sorta love because he is my one and only and we're destined or whatever, but because he's him.  Our sexual chemistry was always amazing, he's so intelligent, so thoughtful.  Have you ever met someone who just looked at you, took in the state of you, stared into your eyes, grabbed your hand, and said "You need a massage and a blowjob, I can tell you had a rough day"?  He literally did that one day while I worked at a horrible job.  Even when you thought you were doing okay for that day, and then that all happens and the last thing your conscious mind registers is "I love you, mister" and careful, attentive hands running through your hair and over your back before you fall into sweet oblivion and wake up just to do that all again?  We shared a lot, we have a bond, and I have to say I care about him probably more than anyone else I've ever cared about.

I feel like he's making a grave mistake, though.  Basically he's really worried about his job, because there's a whole thing that happened with his company and they lost about half their revenue because a contract fell through.  He's moving out of his apartment because the rent is so high ($1700 for a one bedroom, albeit a very nice apartment).  He also decided to move in with an ex of his, from way back before we were ever together, that he's been fraternizing with for the last couple years, and I see this for what it is because I've done it before.  

That boy likes you, and you're in a situation where your fiscal responsibility must come first.  So you trade on your looks and personality to live with another person who finds you attractive, and at least pays half the bills (or far more if you try hard).  You may not find them attractive at all, and you may never even touch them, but for them to feel the possiblity of something they yearn for, they will pay for it.  

It's a dishonest move, and it makes me feel a bit upset, but I don't blame him for it.  In the real world, nobody cares about your morality, only your ability to pay or trade your way.  I just sincerely hope he doesn't regret it.  This particular person Primus moved in with HATES me.  We have never met in person, I've spoken to him over the phone maybe twice.  Primus and I were just planning a visit again before all this happened, and now what I think is basically I won't see him for another year, minimum.  Sad to say, but I don't feel it's helpful for me to be around him in this sorta situation; his housemate might get bitchy if I'm around, and I have a severe allergy to drama.  

If he'd have waited another month, I'd have just said let's move in together without these additional dramatic factors.  I'm not opposed to moving anywhere.  I work remotely, and I'm always open to opportunities.  And before you say that would be toxic, I'd make sure that moving in together with him would be extremely clear, like we might bang a little, but you have no power over me, and I will always pay my bills, but we're both mature enough to know that we have separate lives and will make our decisions accordingly.  

I kinda feel really sorry for him.  I love him.  He's the only person who came to see me in the hospital during tough times, and he made my day, he tried so hard, and I will always cherish him.  I hate to see him in this situation.  

It's difficult to see my friends go through things I went through ten years ago and be powerless to help.