Luc, I'm not sure what to say. I don't think there is anything to say. I remember when you came into chat the first time. You were welcomed there and in the forum just as everyone else is, free to be who you are or who you want to be. Although possibly seeming more real, this place is no less a fantasy than any other. Relationships here are based on assumption of truth and fear of falshood. Sure you followed a bright and wonderful young man here, sure he has been a rock in your life for longer than it seems possible. He still is.

Luc, I have been here a year (almost) and in that time who I am has changed, the people here have changed. You'd think I would be pissed, I can probably attribute my current state of emotional turmiol to a dozzen or so specific names at this site (and it would read like a who's who of GA), but it is a good thing.

There is a place for you here regardless of what you think of yourself. Hell, you should have seen some of the people that have wandered through here. Mark forced a change on you because he needed it. Do you get that? Mark did something for himself that he knew would possibly hurt you. You followed because you couldn't not. That much is obvious. There is a place for you both as someone who has a Mark, and as someone separate from Mark. Just as Mark has a place, as someone with a Luc, and someone without you.

We all get a glimps, read a few blogs, have a few chats. But one thing is clear, whatever you call that thing between you two, it is strong. Something you might want to consider (and I'm reading between the lines here) while everyone was talking to you about Mark, who do you think they were talking to him about?

You say who you were when you first got here (what all of a couple weeks at the most) isn't the real you. I've chatted with you some, and I suppose with Mark more. I assume he knows that real you, that one that is behind all the role play and fantasy; I assume he got there. With the way he feels about you, all I can say is that I hope you stay here, join us for a while and give us the chance to learn about Luc, let us see some of what Mark knows. Trust me, this place can forgive an ass, can forgive a temper tantrum, a hurt feeling, a bad mood. There is often someone to talk to and someone to give you a hug if you need it, or show that you need it. There is more here than a bunch of people talking about stories and the writers who write them. Everyone here has issues and problems (well, except lurker ), and I guarantee you that you aren't the most f**ked up person here (wonders if we should have a poll).

You said something about a point ... oh yeah ... Luc, keep the med check appointment ... and realize that telling everyone here about yourself in a blog entry can be very unnerving and uplifting. I was stunned by the response I get from mine.

Talk to you later

Snowy

Edit: Oh, and I want to cry now, and I look forward to the day that it can be more than just a few tears. (shut up Mr. Arbour )

Edit #2: Maybe someone starting new meds, shouldn't comment in the blog of someone who needs a med check ... at 2 AM

Hey Luc

Whoever you are is just fine, I promise.

-Kevin

It's taken me 52 years to figure out that it's OK for me not to be perfect (and there's still parts of me that haven't quite accepted that.) Part of that means interacting with other imperfect people and letting the imperfect parts of me be seen by them. *yikes* That's been a real biggie for me, and for me it actually takes a lot of strength to do it, when I'd rather run away and hide under the bed.

As far as the "illusion" and "delusion" thing ... that's part of human existence. Hmmm. No answers here for you, really, except to tell you that you're not alone. Actually, most people are in the same boat, except a lot (most?) of them don't know it, because it takes someone who is introspective and sensitive enough to the subtleties of life to be aware of it.

Also, coming from a dysfunctional family or cultural background (which to some extent I think we all do nowadays, and more so if you're marginalized in some way, such as being gay) tends to add layers to the personality which may not be "authentic", since their purpose was self-protective. In other words, we learned to hide who we were in order to protect ourselves, and the parts of us that wanted to express themselves had to do so in a distorted way. If you're sensitive, you also tend to pick up other people's patterns of thinking and acting. I've spent a lot of years sorting out what is mine and what is other people's, and peeling off the layers to get to the authentic parts.

I don't know if this is responsive to what's going on with you; just some thoughts I had when I read what you wrote.

At any rate, good luck with whatever you decide.

Kitty

It's taken me 52 years to figure out that it's OK for me not to be perfect (and there's still parts of me that haven't quite accepted that.) Part of that means interacting with other imperfect people and letting the imperfect parts of me be seen by them. *yikes* That's been a real biggie for me, and for me it actually takes a lot of strength to do it, when I'd rather run away and hide under the bed.

 

As far as the "illusion" and "delusion" thing ... that's part of human existence. Hmmm. No answers here for you, really, except to tell you that you're not alone. Actually, most people are in the same boat, except a lot (most?) of them don't know it, because it takes someone who is introspective and sensitive enough to the subtleties of life to be aware of it.

 

Also, coming from a dysfunctional family or cultural background (which to some extent I think we all do nowadays, and more so if you're marginalized in some way, such as being gay) tends to add layers to the personality which may not be "authentic", since their purpose was self-protective. In other words, we learned to hide who we were in order to protect ourselves, and the parts of us that wanted to express themselves had to do so in a distorted way. If you're sensitive, you also tend to pick up other people's patterns of thinking and acting. I've spent a lot of years sorting out what is mine and what is other people's, and peeling off the layers to get to the authentic parts.

 

I don't know if this is responsive to what's going on with you; just some thoughts I had when I read what you wrote.

 

At any rate, good luck with whatever you decide.

 

Kitty

**Applauds**

YES!

I don't know if it helped Luc but it certainly made a lot of sense to me! Thanks

So, here's what I've learned just by reading your post here...

You are incredibly thorough and intelligent and you overthink things like crazy. You will put aside your own happiness for the happiness of a true friend and you are about three steps ahead of everyone else who hasn't yet figured out some things about life.

I've only just met you Luc, and Mark, but I like what I see. I am sort of an overthinker too, but more an overfeeler I guess you could say... I sort of have a tendency to find some way to bond with someone and then it's all over, I care about you and there's nothing you can do about it. It seems simplistic, but in a way, I prefer it. It takes away all of the nonsense and ego involved and leaves me with true emotions and saying exactly what I think and feel... it's genuine, and I like it that way. Real. I don't have to sift through what people say to find the truth in it, because I feel it, and I appreciate the insight it gives me.

But like I said... simplistic. Maybe all it needs to be to start with, is a bowl of cherry vanilla ice cream and two spoons, sitting in a park, watching the kids playing, and laughing and smiling... always a necesity for me, cause it's SO much better than being sad and worried about the people I care about. No judgements, just total acceptance of the 'you' that I feel.

Glad you're here hun,

Vivian