I'm currently running into the problem I knew I'd have writing this blog:  Rambling.  I've already taken four swings at this only to delete it after I've caught myself going off topic on many tangents.  Granted, they provided a lot of insight and exposition into the story, but it's just too much and not necessarily needed.  So, allow me to digress, again.

This is not the first story I've ever written.  I think that's pretty clear.  I also think everyone knows (or can find out) that this is my first story published on Gay Authors.  What may not be known is how frustrated I was with this site.  I had a load of questions that I couldn't find answers to, and I found the approval system annoying at best.  I still have issues but nothing like I originally did.

Posting Chapter 1 was a nightmare for me.  I made multiple attempts to get it posted, then had to edit (a nightmare) because the system itself added line spaces I didn't (and it still does), having to wait between publishing dates is annoying, etc.  I think I tried about six times, before I said, "Fuck it.  If they want it removed, they can do it themselves."

And that's why there's no Prelude to this story.  Chapter 1 was supposed to be the prelude.  I finally found someone who could help me, and got it all sorted.  Then, I discovered that there was a cap on how long a Prelude could be.  I literally spent several hours figuring shit out, having to copy and paste line by line to get the formatting right, only to be told the Prelude was too long.  It didn't tell me by how much, though.

I don't know if I've made it clear or not, but I hate editing.  I don't mind doing some grammar and spell corrections (okay, I do hate it, but I'm kind of, maybe, close to potentially getting near to thinking of getting over it.)  What I hate about editing is trying to figure out what needs to be cut.  I once submitted a short story to be published and was told it had to be no more than 5,000 words, including the title.  Great, I thought.  5,000 words is nothing.  I often wrote 10 page essays and reports in college for the fun of it.  Writing is my jam!  It took me 14 edits to get it down to 5,000 words...10 of those was because of a single word.  Every edit didn't sound right, even the last one, but I wasn't going to do a 15th edit.  After I submitted my story, I found out that the word count wasn't as set in stone as they told me originally.  Needless to say, I was beyond livid.

Anyway, when I saw that Gay Authors wasn't going to publish my submission with editing the Prelude, I once again said, "Fuck it!"  The Prelude became Chapter 1, and all subsequent chapters got bumped down a number.

The very original concept of this story centered around the character who would become Bryan.  At the time, Bryan was a mouthy 10-year-old, with a special needs younger brother (who would become Caleb).  Calvin was as we met him in Chapter 1, but a bigger waste of space.  After losing his job and tired of living his car with two boys, Calvin goes to the home of his former lover and friend, Diego, who is a neurotic, bitter drag queen, who loves the kids but detests Calvin.  Calvin eventually toys with Diego's feelings by insinuating that there could be more between them, while finding a girlfriend on the side.  Things come to a head when Calvin and his girlfriend go to a bar where, unknown to Calvin, Diego is performing, but as himself with a 90s cover band.  Diego sees the pair and becomes livid.  The girlfriend is oblivious to the whole affair, since Calvin has been lying and keeping her in the dark.  Diego goes into a very grungy, Nirvana-meets-Nine-Inch-Nails version of "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrisette, while staring daggers are a very uncomfortable Calvin, who leaves with the girl, packs the kids and leaves Diego alone, once more.

My problem from the very inception of this tale is that, no matter how hard I try, I cannot make Calvin a sympathetic character.  Oh, and I've tried.  What you just read was the third attempt at telling this story.  In fact, I even told the real Calvin about it, and he was okay with it until the whole "You Oughta Know" part.  He had never heard the song before, so I played it for him.  Sure, I could've chose another song; in fact, I had several in mind ("Storms" or "Silver Springs" by Fleetwood Mac, any number of Adele songs, or "I Fucking Hate You" by Godsmack.)  Ultimately, I stopped writing until the day the real Calvin severed our tenuous friendship for good.  I told him that I was going to write about what happened, and he said, "Okay."

As touched on in the previous entry, the events of Chapter 1 were very loosely based on real events.  It's also very, very close to what I wrote for the 3rd attempt.  The real Calvin's kids are very young, as they are in Chapter 1.  As in tuned as I am with my own memories of childhood, I felt that I couldn't continue the story as I saw it from only Diego's perspective.  I wanted to tell the story of how Calvin's actions and behaviors effected the kids, and the best way to do that was by having them old enough to tell their own story.  In order to do that, I time jump was needed.

Preludes are great when you're doing a time jump, because the readers already know that the prelude is just exposition to help understand the rest of the story; however, when word count and the agonies of editing prevent a prelude from being published, a time jump can be very jarring, especially when you're dealing with multiple time jumps.  In Chapter 1, there's a six month loss of time.  I considered dedicating a few chapters to that, but it felt unnecessary, since I could make it into the Prelude.  Well, not to beat a dead horse, but yeah....

I've had a few people bring it up, which is why I'm discussing it here.  I still remember junior and high school, so I wanted Bryan to be at that age.  I shifted the age differences between Bryan and Caleb, so they'd be on their last year at their current schools, without being at the same school.  The advantage to having Bryan at 14-years-old is it gives him both awareness of adulthood and naivete childhood.

Diego also became "straight acting" and cis.  I don't care for stereotypes if I can void them, and when I came up with the original incarnation of Diego, I was trying to write a comedy with a lot of camp.  When things shifted to drama, I didn't feel that camp was the best approach, as it would've fed into negative stereotypes, which I felt would've been a disservice to the stories and characters.

I'm also a fan of the show Boston Legal.  Their use of self-referential, meta humor always brought a smile to my face.  I still wanted comedy, but I knew I couldn't have it be central to the story but as a tension breaker.  Deadpool is great for fourth-wall breaking, but that wasn't something I wanted for this story.  Fourth-wall humor is best when done visually, when the narrator can look at the audience, and I don't feel it translates when in a 3rd person narrative.  However, the humor Boston Legal utilized (like making reference to time slot chances, not getting renewed for a new season, and cast changes) was perfect for this.  Bryan is the one who makes the references because of his cheeky world view that he's just living in some crap, internet novel.  How aware he really is is entirely up to the reader.

I wanted Diego to be the father we all wished we had.  Despite not having to take responsibility for the boys, he did it anyway.  My choice in Diego being Latin-X came by happen stance.  I didn't settle on the name or description for Diego until I wrote Chapter 1, and even then, I wasn't sure.  I'm white and know very little about Hispanic culture aside from the friends I have.  What settled it was Diego's voice.  When I write, most of the time, an actor or actress will come to mind.  In Diego's case, his voice is that of actor Christian Navarro, who played Tony Padilla on the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why.  His face, physicality and demeanor just fit, so I gave Diego Tony's surname and it all just fit.  Nobody else has a famous voice or inspiration, though.

I wanted Diego to be in a relationship.  I considered having him married, but chose against it.  I wanted to show a contrast between Diego and Calvin, in which Diego is also a single father, but he's successful and never abandoned the kids, unlike Calvin.  In the United States, the "lazy Mexican" is a disgusting, undeserved stereotype, so to have Diego be a business owner, gay man, single father to two white kids, and still able to do it all on his own was representation that I felt was needed.

Steve, as I mentioned in the comments of Chapter 2, is a character from another story I've written.  He wasn't utilized much, so I brought him in.  I decided, as I was writing this story, that I would create a shared universe among several other stories.  You don't need to read those other stories, as they're just hinted at, and several are too dark to publish here.

Donna...she's based off of the real Calvin's ex-wife, whom I do not like, irl.  In real life, she's a drug addict, homeless and lived with the kids in a tent and which ever new boyfriend was supplying her habits. She lost the kids after self harming in front of them while high (according to the real Calvin, at any rate).  To this day, she's still alive (to my knowledge) and doesn't have any contact with the kids, mostly due to the real Calvin cutting off contact despite court orders.  I chose to kill the fictional Donna off because I didn't want to deal with too many antagonists in this story.  I've made that mistake before, and it can just dilute a plot.

Bryan's disconnect comes from attachment issues.  Depending on how far you are in the story, you'll know it's a big motivator when it comes to his relationships.  He remembers being put in foster care and Calvin abandoning him with Diego, so his apathy towards Donna's death isn't healthy but understandable.  It's also based on my own apathy towards the death of my father, who was also an abuse drug addict.  After he died, I was only able to mourn the loss of my ability to mourn his death, and that's kind of where Bryan's at with Donna.

School and bullying seem to, sadly, go hand in hand.  I remember bullies, being bullied and I'll admit bullying others for a short time.  This was pre-mass shootings, so the worst you could expect was getting stabbed.  Not much of a consolation, but that's the nature of the Trolley Problem.  Stories need antagonists and conflict to truly progress and be worth reading.  I chose the Dan because it was easy.  He's very much like my brother, including the homophobia.  I wanted to show Bryan's dynamic when Diego wasn't around, while establishing his relationships with Terra and Kenny.

Being an opening chapter, everything is all about setting up.  Yes, a lot of it wasn't needed or could've been spread out by more talented writers, but I also don't feel this story needs to be 1,000 pages.  As I mentioned in the comments of the previous entry:  Why say in four sentences what you can say in two?  The conflict with Dan served it's purpose.  It established that Bryan isn't afraid of direct conflict and his dynamic with his friends.  This can become impactful later on should something rock his world causing his reactions to change (this is or isn't foreshadowing; your choice.)

As for Dan's mother, she's the typical, privileged, white, suburban, racist mother I knew growing up.  They're called Karens now.  Bigotry is also a learned behavior, so I didn't want his mother trying to be woke, while raising an asshole.  He learned it somewhere, and most bigots learn it at home.

Mr. Deacon is based on the first vice principle I had.  Everyone loved him and he treated everyone with respect.  I added that he was also tired of all the bullshit, as most teachers and administrators are.

I still feel like I added a lot to this chapter without actually saying a lot.  I've read it several times, and I feel like I could've spread it out to at least two chapters.  I also think in order for me to do that, I would've had to do somethings I don't like in writing, such as espousing endlessly about what's eating at the characters or discussing more backstory that could either be done later or just not needed at all.  Luckily, this chapter was well received and allowed me to just move on to the story with little, unnecessary call backs.

See you in the next one,

John.