If we ever met in person, odds are you'd never know I was gay.  I have don't exhibit any of the stereotypical characteristics associated with gay men.  In fact, I have been accused of being a homophobe and queerbating.  Some of these resulted in several arguments.  I just don't present as "gay."  I don't even engage in "gay activities."  I don't watch Drag Race.  I don't care for most musicals.  I don't listen to Lady Ga Ga.  And, most scandalous of all, I want go to most PRIDE events.  The only thing that would qualify me as gay is the fact that I'm sexually attracted to and have had plenty of sex with men.  With that said, I never had the "coming out" issues most people have had.  I mean, when you can't convince your own community that you're one of them, how are you going to convince anyone else?  That's the struggle I faced with Chapter 4.

I realized, when starting this post, that I missed my opportunity to discuss Kenny and Bryan's conversation about the kiss.  Like myself, Bryan doesn't present as queer.  Aside from coming off as a bit effeminate, neither does Kenny, but as established, Kenny is out to those close to him.  There were a lot of undertones that built to the surface and get called back at the end of Chapter 4.

Bryan, who has never and to directly face the ridicule of being gay, doesn't see his teasing of Kenny as anything harmful.  His privilege gave him the luxury to not treat Kenny's feelings as important.  Even as Kenny protested and got upset, Bryan remained ignorant.  It clearly wasn't malicious, since Bryan had no real context for what Kenny had gone through.  Bryan's lack of empathy is from lack of direct experience and not from indifference.

Kenny, however, is where most of the subtext comes from.  I think most people can empathize with Kenny's situation.  A bullied gay kid who feels queerbated by his seemingly straight best friend.  Even when Kenny starts to protest, it seems like Bryan is being mean and hurtful.  Until the first kiss, I made the assumption that Kenny never saw Bryan as anything more than just his friend, but after the kiss, it plagued him with all kinds of thoughts and feelings that were being toyed with by Bryan, which only added to his pain during the conversation.

The term "queerbating" is one that I have complicated feelings about, especially after the forced outing of Kit Connor.  I have been told by more than one straight friend that, if I were a woman, they'd love to be in a relationship with me, which, to me, feels like that's queerbating.  I've been accused of queerbating when coming out to certain gay associates who refused to take my word for it.  But, it's when queerbating is weaponized to force someone to come out that I take exception.

In the scene where Kenny accuses Bryan of queerbating him, I had a conflict.  Was Bryan queerbating Kenny by teasing his own sexuality and feelings for Kenny through the expression of the kissing, or was Kenny weaponizing the term to get Bryan to out himself?  Based on the comments section of Chapter 3, I don't think anyone came to this conclusion the way I did.  Neither meant anything malicious, but does that really matter?  Did Bryan really queerbate Kenny?  Did Kenny make the accusation to force Bryan out? 

I'd have to say yes to both.  Bryan intentionally teased and beat around the bush regarding the kiss, so he wouldn't have to address his feelings, while still getting Kenny worked up about it, and Kenny knew using that term would put Bryan on the spot to either come out or to stop, while forcing him to accept responsibility for his actions.  That moment set everything up for their relationship.  It exposed a lot in Bryan that gets recalled at the end of Chapter 4.

The beginning of Chapter 4 opens with the family dinner.  Being perceptive, Diego senses the energy between Bryan and Kenny, and decides to teach his son a lesson.  I wanted the banter to continue from the previous chapter, to help show that no matter how serious the topic, they can joke about it in a healthy way.  Diego went for Kenny instead of Bryan, as Bryan would have a thicker skin and would play dumb.  Kenny would give the best, telling reactions.  I also wanted to show that Kenny was treated as a member of the family, which included being pulled into the ribbing and teasing.  Unlike Bryan, Diego can understand Kenny's situation and can empathize, so he knows how far he can push before it just becomes mean spirited.  This was also another opportunity for Steve to integrate himself into the family dynamic.

I rarely talk up my own writing, but I loved how the dialogue turned out.  The flow was good and realistic.  It reminds me of something my own family would've done, especially my mother, who was definitely an inspiration for Diego's humor.  But, isn't this also queerbating in that Diego teased Bryan into outing himself?  If the previous example was queerbating, why wouldn't this count, as well?  I have a hard time accepting it in this case.  There's definitely strong parallels, but I think the difference is that Diego wasn't trying to force Bryan to come out.  If Bryan had denied it or changed the subject, Diego would've let it go and had a serious, private chat later, like he ended up doing.

When ultra-thirsty queers turned on Kit Connor forcing him out of the closet, the general public didn't know.  They used the excuse that only queer actors should play queer characters, and that Kit was queerbating his fans through some of his social media posts.  I think that the majority of those accusing Kit of queerbating were trying to out him.  They were weaponizing the term to maliciously validate their own suspicions and fantasies.  It might have been a little different if Kit had stated he was straight or came off as homophobic prior to being cast on Heartstopper, but since that wasn't the case, it was toxic queer culture at its worse.

It's on that level that I don't think Diego was queerbating.  Yes, he was teasing, but it was clearly playful and was about Bryan gaslighting him earlier on the way home and not about his son's sexuality or physical acts with Kenny.  That seems like a very round about way of putting it, but that's also 1am while I'm writing this.

Bryan's reaction to the whole conversation was inspired by David Rose (Schitt's Creek) and the snarky tone he'd get when teased by Patrick.  I love that kind of banter and felt that it was appropriate for Bryan in that moment to save face.

Everything that happened after dinner was to reinforce a lot of the dynamics that were covered.  Steve wanting to help clean, but Bryan pushing him away.  Bryan's conflicts with his life with Calvin and the happy memories he gained after being adopted.  Diego trusting Bryan enough to give him a smart phone.  It was also a time to remind the readers that Bryan was feeling unsure and insecure about his feelings for Kenny, given his attachment and abandonment issues created by Calvin and Donna.

Being a teenager and with everything going on, I felt it was appropriate for him to have all these internal conflicts and uncertainties.  I also didn't want to keep rehashing them a lot, so I wanted this to be a summation before moving on to bigger issues and events.  In that regard, I don't think I did a good job, which I'll get into later on.  Bryan's self-reflections have given him a lot of insight, but he still hasn't figured out how to use it to make his situations better.  I know I suffer from that a lot, and I think that adds to the realism of the story and Bryan as a character.  He's deeply flawed, is aware of it, but doesn't know how to fix it.

See you in the next one,

John.