Well, today is Mark's surgery. He went in the hospital at 7 am and was scheduled to be the surgeon's second operation. Second is good. I figure the surgeon will be all warmed up from his first op and not yet tired from operating all day. So second is good.

Mark showed me some things on his surgery and told me some things. Since he has recently had menengitis, he is at a higher risk for increased cranial pressure. So when he comes out of surgery they will fix it so he can't move his head and he will have tubes in his nose and down into his stomach. Coughing or vomiting will increase cranial pressure, so they don't want that.

I think what gets me the most, even more than worrying about whether he will be ok (because I know he will be), is thinking of him lying there like that. I hurt for him. Cried so much last night that my eyes hurt today. The worst was when it was time for him to go and go to the hospital. Saying night to him then was the hardest thing. I felt like I couldn't breathe. You know that feeling when your body just clenches and your eyes burn and there is this building up and then you just release what really could be described as a wail? Yeah, lovely thing. That went on for about 15 minutes.

Every possible scenario has gone through my head more than once. You know, I know he will be ok because I cannot even contemplate anything else. But there is still this feeling of an empty pit in my stomach. And my body is tense. And my head just wants to shut off. I told Mark I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until he is home. Which is expected to be 5 days at a minimum. Could be longer, depending upon how things go. Then there is 4-6 weeks of rest at home.

Today is openening day of the Saratoga Race Course. My dad and I always went. I missed last year because my head was so far up my ass. I'm going to miss today also. Not because my head is up my ass, but because I really cannot deal with two emotional stresses at once. I would likely walk through the gates and burst into tears--which is SO conspicuous. So will go to OTB today instead. Mark picked some horses for me last night and I want to play them. Then I will take Sam to Jumping Jacks and have a fish fry with chili sauce. Mmm. Sam will have a hot dog--and will feed his roll to the birds. It is a ritual.

Waiting to hear from Jay. I know it won't be until much later. I figure they will have to physically kick him out of the hospital. I suspect he won't be in the greatest of moods when he comes on. Might just wait for an email rather than talk to him--though I probably will end up sitting here waiting for him and pounce on him when he signs on. Poor guy.

It is so hot, which makes me think of Mark. He said it is unbearably hot in the hospital. He was working one day and it was so hot he looked like he was going to pass out, so they sent him home. I hope he is not miserably hot lying there. Though I know that he will be drugged up and stress to the body often makes you cold--which is why they have hospitals so damned hot.

Not really sure where I am mentally. Numb mostly. I told him last night that I wished it could be like Snoiwy's story, that he could go to sleep and while he was unconscious he could slip into an alternate reality which was like we both wish it were. Ok, crying now because I SO want to be there when he wakes up. But I wish it could belike that for him, even for just a little while to live in that other reality. I want to close my eyes and go there with him.

When my mind finally snaps--which could be at any time--that's where I want to go in my head.