I don’t know how they do it. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I really can’t fathom how some people are as out as they are. I can understand when you’re out of the house and you don’t have to worry about being kicked out or anything, but for those teens that still are living with their parents and are completely out, I applaud them for their courageousness.

I’m not even living with my parents anymore, my mom already knows about me, I assume my brother knows, my sister is iffy but I know she won’t really care too much, but I still can’t take the step and just f**king tell people. I mean, if I do start telling people, there’s a good chance that I’ll lose a few friends right now. Which isn’t really that bad considering I’m basically starting over and I’ll end up meeting a lot of new people at college. And if I’m out now, then the friends I make at college will already know and I can really be myself.

It seems like such a simple decision, but it’s those 3 or 4 people that I know wouldn’t accept it that stops me I think. I hate that I’m so susceptible to what others think about me. It doesn’t even matter if I despise the person; I still care what they think. It sucks. On one hand I want to be myself. I want to be open and able to do what I want without thinking about how others will think of me. On the other, I just can’t. The years of living how I have and the friends I’ve made I guess are holding me back.

Sometimes I do think about what it would be like to just say f**K it all, I don’t care if you like me or not, this is who I am, accept it or don’t. It’s a really attractive offer that I’m more than capable of doing, but somehow I always talk myself out of it for one reason or another. I think it’s time for me to really think about how I’m going to live my life starting with the New Year.

This blog really doesn’t have a purpose other than to let loose some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately. When I opened my blog I was going to post a funny story about what happened today, but somehow ended up getting sidetracked and posted this instead. Meh, oh well.

Joe

(Who finally had an awesome dream last night, but is sad it’ll never come true)