So today some really huge issues came up and I am really at a loss as to further course of action. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I have to take serious action regarding these issues, because I know I can't just let them lie. If I do, I may end up with regrets that I'm just not willing to live with. One of these involves a sorta.... well.... let's say that it's within the realm of those few and far between things I just can't talk about on my blog due to possible legal repercussions, as well as privacy issues which are not my own. I don't really give a damn as to my own privacy, but the privacy of other people should probably be protected in certain instances.

Well, first let's talk about what happened to me earlier tonight. My little cousin is sitting over playing on his laptop, fixing his website or some such something. He's one HELL of a kid. He is f**king incredibly awesome, and insanely smart, not to mention he'll be breaking hearts left and right when he gets a bit older. He's twelve, by the way. His name is Mitch, and he's my dad's sister's kid. He lives pretty close to Hattiesburg, so I go see my lil cousins, aunt, uncle, and grandma a lot.

And let me tell you, oh jeez, that kid is sharp as a diamond tipped tack. He picks up on EVERYTHING. He is SO smart it's kinda scary. I mean, I just went outside a while ago to have a cigarette and he was like "...what smells like cigarettes?". I was like "...howdahell do you know what cigarettes smell like?!". Then I was just like "um, don't worry bout it...". Yeah I'm a terrible influence.

Okay, well, here's the big issue. His mother is my aunt Brenda, and she's a really sweet lady. I mean she's got a big heart, and she loves her children dearly and is a good person. She also happens to be a fundamentalist Christian who, even if only because she's been misled, has been feeding her children a crock of shit which is just not f**king healthy. I've learned that I can't really pass judgment on people's religions, though, because I have that delightful vendetta against all religion so I'm biased. I'm just afraid of something happening that I'll greatly regret not stopping later in life.

I'm really afraid of him growing up and becoming yet another wasteland of southern overzealous Christian tutelage gone terribly, terribly wrong. He is SUCH a bright kid, and SO nice, and just awesome. I don't want him to grow up thinking certain things... like that any little sin will end up sending people to hell if they don't repent, or that sex is evil and disgusting, or that gays are evil and disgusting, or... well.......

I want him to always be my little cousin, Mitch, the kid with the crazy platinum blond poofy hair and kickass green eyes and funny front teeth and insanely smart and I want him to still look up to me when he finds out things about me that I'm not willing to hide from my family all my life.

I want him to know that one day I'm going to fall in love with a boy and stay with that one and hopefully have children somehow and I want him to know that he's their almost-uncle-Mitch.

I want him to know that I'll ALWAYS be there for him when he can't tell his mom or he can't face his dad or his grandma would freak or his sister would tattle or his pastor would judge him or his friends would abandon him.

I want him to still love me when he finds out I'm gay. I don't think I could stand it if he just... stopped looking up to me the way he does now, because I'm really trying so hard now to be a good role model for my little cousins and my little siblings. I want to be a constant figure in their life of just plain normality, the cousin who's weird enough but close enough so they can tell him anything and trust him to keep his goddamn mouth shut. Hell, I might want to get him good and sloshed when he's old enough, or assist with his crazy adventures as he grows up.

Someone has to be there for kids in the way that parents aren't always able. Someone has to believe in them and tell them they can do anything they want to and that no one can stop them from achieving and being what they want. Not God, not their parents, not their friends, not anyone. And I just can't help thinking...

if I don't step in and pick up the slack, and take care of my family, what good am I? If I don't provide that outlet, that help, that friendship, what kind of a person can I claim to be? And besides that, I really love him, he's such a good kid. His sister is the same way, she's absolutely brilliant, beautiful, and adorable. Both of them are f**king perfect in every way (and woe be unto the dick who messes with either of 'em).

Well, anyway... point is I just want to keep anything bad from happening to them, and I think that the whole religion thing is not good. Mitch started talking to me about something to do with some sort of scientific something. He wanted to know how something worked or y'know, some thing like that. Well eventually we got around to other things, and he made the mistake of telling me that "evolution is stupid". So I told him the truth when he gave me a funny look. I'm not going to lie to him; otherwise how can I ever ask him to tell me the truth?

I told him that regardless of what he believes as far as religion goes, evolution is an absolute concrete undeniable scientific fact based in logical observation and proof. I told him that if he believes in God as strongly as he seems to, he has to learn to reconcile his personal religious beliefs with the things that he learns to be absolutely true. I explained that the only thing about evolution that isn't absolute fact is the mechanism by which evolution occurs, which is only theory, which would be natural selection. I explained how genetics works (briefly), and some other serious facts. One big one is that the world is far older than 10,000 years or so. Given what we have observed and learned, there is no way that the world is not older than that, and the universe far, far, far older than that.

I think the issue he took with me is that he has been raised as a fundamentalist Christian and he is only 12 years old. I still can't really lie well, and I don't think he SHOULD be told any lies. So, well, finally he wheeled the conversation around to asking me if I believe in God and Jesus and the whole shebang. Well, I told him that it doesn't matter what I believe, it matters what he believes.

The boy looked like he was about to cry, and when he started to look like that, I nearly freaked the f**K out. I didn't know what the hell was going on, like what had caused him so much frustration or trouble all of a sudden like that. So y'know I asked, and he made me nearly start crying just from how.... incredibly sweet, but incredibly sad the situation was.

"But do you believe in God and that Jesus is real and he's your savior?", he asked me. It's a classic Southern Baptist religious package he's pushing.

"It doesn't matter what I believe, it matters what you believe. If you believe in God and that Jesus is real and that he is your savior, you can believe that and I will support you all the way, and I think it's great. All I'm telling you is that you can't go through the world totally blind to what's around you, and you have to make what you believe consistent with the things you can't deny are true," I told him.

"But, I mean, Jesus is how you get into Heaven and if you don't believe in Jesus and accept him then you can't get into Heaven, and you're really cool and I think you're an awesome guy and...." he started getting all teary eyed. He didn't cry, but it looked like he was so close, I just kinda felt like holding him tight... and punching someone for letting him think that kind of thing.

Well, eventually we got it kind of worked out. He's an amazing kid, and he cares soooo much about other people. I'm gonna have to have a good long talk with his mother, though. There are some things she needs to know, and she needs to know them really soon. There are certain things I won't be hiding forever, and if she can't accept that and reconcile it with her faith and teach her children acceptance and love, then I'll just have to wait until they're old enough to make their own decisions.

Anyway, there are other things that really annoy me now. I have the one gigantic f**king issue that isn't going to resolve itself but I can't resolve it, and my mother is just as stumped on it as I am. I finally called her today and told her everything because she's probably the only person in the world who I know beyond any doubt I can completely and utterly trust. She basically said that she doesn't think there's anything I can really do about it, but to remember that people aren't automatically any less of good people because of something they think. Some things, so long as they remain within the realm of the mind, are okay I guess.

This is just one of those things that I take such HUGE issue to that if I weren't absolutely beyond any shadow of any doubt sure that it would never become a real life situation under any circumstance, I would be doing something about it personally. I don't usually meddle, but that would be one time when I would make an exception. And no, I can't talk about it here. That's why I called my mother, because I can't talk about it to anyone who I don't trust with my life.

So, anyway, now I'm back in the room... came home, and now Drew's over there playing Guitar Hero which is f**king retarded by the way. It's slightly fun, and a good way to waste some time in a mindless fashion, but the amount of effort you'd have to put in to beat the higher difficulty levels is just f**king stupid. There's no reason to waste that much of your life playing a game which will never actually help you in life. If you want to enjoy something, learn to play a real guitar. Pick up a saxophone, sit down at a piano, make music, real music, and you'll be glad you spent the time doing it later. I still miss playing my sax so much, I wish I could figure out how to work in concert or symphonic band into my life again. I wouldn't want to do marching band anymore, not my cup of tea, but god I'd like to make real music again.

So now I'm going to do some fun mindless activity myself to calm down and keep from dwelling on the things I've been thinking about. There comes a point at which I can't do anything more just by thinking, and I should calm down and put that thought away.

I love my cousins very much. They are both so wonderfully amazing that it blows my mind constantly. I intend to be there for them no matter what. I intend to be there for my family no matter what, and I'm on my way to being the provider of the type of support and safety I wish to be able to give.

So no worries now. I think I have things under control, just needed to talk about it all.

Take care, love you guys.