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Razor

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A good friend of mine introduced this to me a while back. Every now and then I kinda stumble back across it cleaning my room/computer/journal/whatever and it makes me feel a lot better and kinda puts me back on the right track. I'm not much for prayer, but I do like good advice. Anyway, you can wiki this if you wanna know more about it, but it's entitled "Desiderata", translating from Latin to "desired things" in English. My favorite line is in bold: "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."

 

Desiderata

 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Excercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.

 

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

 

 

 

 

EDIT: This is a pretty massive edit because yesterday when I wrote this I was still pondering, which I still am, but I didn't feel like talking about it cause it was all so silly and odd. Well...

 

Zach and I are not dating. There are good reasons, and the real reason is totally my fault. Nope, you're not privy to that one, it's a private private private private matter, lol, but yah, suffice to say that I expected it. I could have totally avoided it, by keeping my mouth shut, but I would've always felt guilty for keeping something to myself that I wouldn't want him to keep to himself if the situation was reversed. Damn my conscience.

 

Turns out, that might actually have been my subconscious saving me yet again. It's gotten pretty good at bailing me out of boats before they sink. Now, it's almost embarassing for me to even tell this story because the way I feel is so deeply programmed into me that I feel like everyone should be that way, and anyone who isn't just isn't right, like they were raised wrong or something. Sooooo....

 

The other day, I got a call from Zach. We'd already broken up, but we both decided that the situation warranted time and patience instead of a hasty decision, so we've still been hanging out and talking from time to time. And before you say anything, yeah, it made me sad for a little while but now, well, you'll see.

 

He said that he was really bored, and that he didn't have anyone to hang out with. Naturally, I said he would be welcome to come over here and chill with me and Drew for a while. I don't have any money to spend, or I'd have offered to go out and do something, but hell, I can pretty well keep myself occupied here in my lil room. Anyways, he says yes, and a little while later he came over.

 

The night drew on, and roundabouts 11:45 or 12:00, we were playing around still. He had been doing some random annoying thing over and over, playing, like kicking me or something like that, so I grabbed one of my safety pin bracelets (yeah, I had an emo moment the other day and made them) and threatened to stab him. Evidently he has a ginormous sharp object phobia (like I do with needles), but I was just playing around with him anyway so I set my safety pin bracelet back on the thing. Later, I threatened to get it again, smiling and being a dork like I always do.

 

Okay, this is when it gets stupid, so stay with me...

 

He picks up my bracelet (made of those little tiny black safety pins that cost like 1.50 for 50 of them), and throws it out the window. At first, I assumed he'd been picking and that he hadn't actually thrown it, like something I would have done. However, I quickly realized that this was not the case. At this point, my Jamie brain processes took over and I was enraged. I decided that saying anything would be a bad idea because I might regret it. Thus, I simply put my shoes on, grabbed my cigarettes, key, wallet, and phone, and walked out after saying that I was going for a cigarette.

 

Okay, you thought that part was stupid, just you wait. Me being me and all, I figured I'd go back up and we'd sort it out, or he'd probably just say sorry and it'd be okay, but....

 

I'm standing downstairs out front smoking, looking at the stars, spinning in circles, whistling the mario theme song... y'know, usual entertainment nonsense, and I see him walking across the street. I tried to get his attention, but he just kinda waved. Then, I texted him just in case there might be something weird going on and I took things the wrong way (which of course I never do, but I give people the benefit of the doubt), and basically he ignored me until he finally said some bullshit about how he just didn't feel like staying after that.

 

THAT was what pissed me off. That stupid, overly dramatic, bullshit response to something infinitesimally important is the sort of DUMB SHIT that I refuse to put up with from anyone. I quickly informed him that I have the ability to create enough drama for myself, and that I don't have the time, energy, or desire to deal with anyone else's. The safety pin thing pissed me off because I'm big on frugality and respect for personal property. It doesn't matter what the hell it is, you don't f**K with it if it's not yours. It might have only been a quarter thrown out a window, but it was MY quarter, and it shows how little respect he has for me (which I sorta already suspected by a bunch of other things... it's really complicated and it all adds up to my insane Jamie intuition shit... like noticing the way he words certain things, when he teases the most, what he teases about, what he likes and dislikes... etc.).

 

So, yesterday I get a text telling me he's sorry. That's nice and all, but unless he does a damn fine trick, he's out of the picture for good. I mean, I understand everybody f**ks up and does stupid shit sometimes (and oh yes, I do my fair share and then some), but I really have finally come to realize that I not only want, but I also DESERVE someone who respects and understands me, and I won't settle for anything less.

 

So then, after all of this, which left me feeling so incredibly embarassed since a lot of it happened right in front of Drew, which means that he saw what an ass Zach was and how much it bothered me............ well, I found the Desiderata in my docs folder while cleaning my compy. I looked at it, read it, read it again, and smiled. The second paragraph especially just made me feel as if I really do have everything under control, and that I shouldn't worry, and I should be happy with the things that I have worked hard to accomplish. I shouldn't have to compromise beyond reason, or acquiesce to any standards or norms. :)

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Like you probably arleady know, keeping things in is bad, espaically, if it might, screw up the relationship.

 

 

and hope you will reply to some of my pm's

 

 

:hugs: have a nice day :)

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Jamie, you seem to have discovered the reason I sent "Desiderata" to you so long ago.

I still find that there are times when I read it over and over again. Those times when you

are not sure of what to do or how to react to something or someone. I always end up

feeling calm and at peace after I read it. My own personal favorite quote is "You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."

 

It's great to see what a mature person you have become Jamie.

 

Jim

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