It's okay to rant Chase. Better out than in. You are very intelligent, and sometimes intelligence is a curse, and I hope everything works out (which it will because I have a good feeling )

Welcome to the club:

Most people are drawn here by the stories, some are writers in their own ways, and others just want to connect. You can be gay, straight, bi, or some variation of transgendered; this community will try to accept you. Yeah, I will not lie about our personal foibles or possible issues due to our own individual concepts and perspectives, but we are a nice mesh.

One thing about most people here at GA that may hold true of all the people around, we are all dreamers. Cynics and idealist both have great dreams, you might be attracted to that element of GA.

Chase, you are still a good guy, no matter if you choose to stay or leave. Enjoy the moments and the people around you.

PS:

Laguna beach is stupid, but MTV has been moving further into the Cali scene and I like certain things about it. This is not much of an un-bias opinion from a guy, who found Ryan Sheckler from Life of Ryan cute.

Chase

The good thing about GA like you said is that we're more or less kinda like a dysfunctional family, in a sense.

*hugs* Because I know you need some.

Chase,

Having spent just a few days in Newport Beach, I think I understand something of the culture from which you come. It's certainly an affluent community. I think the people there are like people everywhere, rich or poor. Some are fun to be with; some are real jerks.

I hope you remain active with GA. I hope you are inspired to write and share with us. Friends there may think you shouldn't share yourself online...dare to be different. Your true friends will remain friends. And virtually everyone at GA will be your friend. Some of us may say something with which you disagree, or even be judgmental at times, but we are still a friendly lot.

Hugs all around,

Mike

I spent a lot of time in Laguna Beach growing up; my grandmother lived there.

Sometimes living in an affluent world can generate a lot of angst. Shouldn't you be happy when you have the world at your feet?

I like you and I like what you've written. Nice work.

Hi Chase...

We met once, briefly, in chat. You didn't seem egotistical or emo or anything... just pretty laid back and real.

For the most part, everyone I have met since I have been here has been pretty real, too. Some have issues or drama, some have more time or need for this place or devotion than others, but I usually find that the people around here are just what they seem.

As far as what you're doing here, telling a bunch of strangers your life story... all I can suggest is that you do it because you get something in return that compels you to continue. Hopefully it's an even exchange, but I realize not all relationships work that way all the time.

I've been around here a while now, and for me anyway, it's been amazing. I've met so many amazing people here that I've grown to love. I've had people from across the country visit and stay in my home with my family. We've vacationed together and celebrated holidays together, and just built these amazing relationships. I hope that whatever you need or want, you find here at GA, and that you can offer the same to others.

Hugs,

Viv

No one could have said it better then Viv just did. Bravo.

Hey dude,

I have a few thoughts on what you've written.

Regardless of where you are or what you're doing you'll always be dissatisfied unless you feel okay with yourself and your actions. You don't need the approval of your friends or the approval of the people here at GA, but unless you have your own approval you'll probably care what other people think.

I've lived in a small city, a mid-size city, and now a very large city, and I'll tell you, when it comes to cities my experience has been "the bigger the better." There's just more to do, more options, more people, and more fun in a big city. Small town life has some perks too, but my experience has been that within the big city you can still build your own smaller "community" and then you have that benefit, plus the benefit of having all the art, entertainment, culture, and general fun and excitement of the big city. That's just my experience though.

Anyway, point is Leguna Beach sounds fun. I'm no stranger to the party scene myself. There's nothing wrong with partying as long as you keep it safe and responsible, and know your limits. So enjoy yourself and do that until it really, truly does get old. Right now, based on your blog post, it kinda sounds like it hasn't. It sounds like you're still enjoying it.

Bear in mind though, that if you're looking for something "real" in the true love, or even deep friendship sense, you're probably not going to find it on the party circuit. Don't get me wrong you can definitely enjoy the party circuit with people you have a legitimate and true connection with, but forming that connection itself probably won't happen in that environment. It's a kind of carefree, superficial, selfish sort of environment. There's nothing wrong with that per se, and that doesn't mean you or the other people doing it are that way, but it's just not the best setting for forming deep relationships.

Personally, I have a lot of wild, carefree times with people I legitimately love and care for, but I brought those people with me, I didn't find them there. I have met new people on the party circuit that I've grown to truly care about, but this happened as a result of meeting them, and then getting together away from that setting later. Of course maybe that's just my experience. Maybe it isn't the same for you.

Anyway, I wouldn't feel bad about it at all, more power to you if you're having fun and being safe. Just don't delude yourself about finding something deep there. Take as the casual, light-hearted fun that it is. Again, just my thoughts and experiences though

Regarding being here, I'd say you should take that for what it is as well. Are you enjoying the conversation? Meeting people from all over the country and the world? The varied forum topics? The great gay themed stories? Something else? Well whatever it is, I'd say just go with it and see where it ends up.

Whether you stay or go - here at GA, or in your Leguna Beach world - is ultimately irrelevant. Just enjoy your time, try to spread enjoyment to others, and try to avoid doing things you'll regret. If/when it does run its course, just be sure that you take the lessons and experiences with you. It might also be nice to take the people that you most care about with you as well (at least in some sense, be it memory, physically going somewhere with them, or just keeping in contact).

Personally, my own experience is that I like a great deal of experiences and environments. Sometimes I like to hit up parties and clubs with close friends, sometimes I like to hit up parties and clubs with casual friends. Sometimes I like smaller get togethers with a combination of close friends and new people. Sometimes I like to have the smaller get togethers with almost exclusively friends or almost exclusively new people and casual acquaintances. Other times I like to get together with a small handful of friends for quieter activities like dinner, shopping, games, walks, etc. I very often enjoy spending one on one time with a close friend, or a casual friend I want to get to know better. Other times I like to go out alone and enjoy my own company, but with the background bustle of other people. Often I like to be "alone" but engage in 'social' activities like GA, or online gaming. Other times I like to be alone and solitary and do things like reading or writing. I know that if I tried to cut any of those things completely out of my life I would feel as though something were missing.

Anyway, the point is, you don't have to worry about "having better things to do." If what you want is to browse the forums or drop by chat, and you have the luxury of time, then there is no "better thing to do" because you're already doing exactly what you want. On the other hand, if what you want in the moment is to go to a beach party, then that's your best course of action. Obviously there are a multitude of other options as well Don't ever worry about "having something better to do" if you're doing what you find most compelling at the time.

One final note, I would suggest that you do find a way to "exist" without other people. Obviously my perspective may be a bit biased since I am both extremely social and extroverted and also extremely solitary and introverted (not simultaneously obviously ). One thing is for sure though, I would be miserable if I felt I needed someone, anyone, else to give me meaning. If I couldn't be happy and fulfilled as an individual and by myself, then I'd be concerned. Of course, if I were unable to find enjoyment and significance in my time spent with others I'd also be concerned.

Anyway, I tend to be a bit long-winded so I'm sorry for prattling on. As I said, all my thoughts are just based on my own experiences and values, they certainly don't work for everyone. Regardless, I'm wishing you the best!

Take care,

Kevin