What happens when my kids are grown and off living their adult lives and no one really needs me anymore? This is something that has been worrying the little corners of my mind for a long while. I am usually too busy to think about it, or wallow, if you will. The lake of self-pity seems pretty deep lately. I'm an overachiever like that. If I'm going to do something, I do it right. I don't mess around with little twinges, I dive in, and so far I've managed not to drown.

Rich took the kids camping this weekend for our niece's birthday. As usual, it was a last minute invitation, the kind my brother and sister-in-law are notorious for, and so I couldn't go. Happens every year, it seems. Poor thing probably thinks I either have an aversion to birthday parties or her. Anyway, so with Rich and the kids away, I had the night to myself, after I finished working all day, and I got an invite to go see some band with another sister-in-law, but I wasn't really interested in the band so I told her I'd pass, but thanks. Instead I made plans with another friend and I got off work, came home and showered, changed clothes, etc. and just as I was about to leave, plans got cancelled which happens.

So, the question became... what am I going to do with my night now that I'm all dressed up with no place to go. I sat here and thought and thought, and I realized that I have no one to call and go hang out with. Not one friend, other than the one I had plans with. I considered Tony, but he was already gone so I assumed he was out with his friends, being a Saturday night. I have one local friend, and when plans fall through, I have no one. That's a lot of responsibility for one person, don't you think? More to the point, I have almost no friends I can hang out with.

What I did end up doing was going to The Block to see a movie, but when I got there, the movie I wanted to see had just started and the next showing wasn't for another two hours. Either I'm too impatient or too chicken to go to the movies by myself and instead I ended up at The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory buying a Caramel Apple Pie Apple, and some candy for Rich and the kids. The girl working there said she liked my sweater, I said thanks. I went to Borders and bought three books. Got a burger at Angelo's and came home to drown in my lake.

Tony came home and called me Ms. Emo right before he issued me a pity invite to some party he was going to with his friend. What party? A co-worker of his friend. Basically, I wouldn't know anyone else but Tony and his friend, which might be okay, it's not like I have trouble talking to people or being around strangers. In fact, I'm pretty good at it, but somehow, standing around with a bunch of people I don't know, getting halfway to drunk, and then having to wait around until they were all the way to drunk and then wondering how we'll get home safely didn't seem appealing either, so I declined... good thing too, since he didn't get home from said party till 11 a.m. the next morning.

One person said to me, "That happens when you have kids."

I think it can happen, but is that the norm? I'm not unhappy by any means... until I'm left to my own devices. I spend so much time being Vivian the mom, Vivian the wife, Vivian the employee and co-worker, Vivian the football/girl scout/colorguard mom that when it's time to just be Vivian, I have no idea who that is. What happens when it's time to be just Vivian and she's so lost or buried that I can't find her anymore? What happens when it's my turn?

How do I find her and hang on to her so that when that time comes, I'm not getting tossed off a pier by a guy named Fat Sal in my new designer cement shoes?

Treading water with my floaties on...

Almost Vivian