Running

[Menzoberranzen]

Running

<div align="center">You're just a kid

But you know you have to run

From that haunting shadow

But with every step, it looms larger

You run fast; faster than ever before

You feel like you could run anywhere

But you're just a kid

And you can't escape an adult's world

You're bigger now; older, angrier

You run so much faster

Sometimes you escape that shadow

But now there are more hunters

Every turn leads to a bully

Every door reveals an enemy you thought a friend

But you keep running – it's all you can do

But you're still just a teenager. Even you need to rest

The distinction between hunted and hunter blurs

You strike back, even as they chase you like a beast

An eye for an eye; hate for hate

But no matter how deep your hate runs,

The canaille is vast, and hates you equally

Against the great unwashed, your protections falter

You don't run, now, so much as limp

It was you against an army – you lost

Your armor is complete, your wall mighty

Jaded by your past and aged beyond your years

You can finally stop running

The labyrinth of walls keeps you safe

He stole your childhood

They stole your adolescence

But you learnt to fight fire with fire

And if you can't beat them, at least you've escaped

Those walls succeeded in keeping out enemies

But what about your friends?

Where, now, are those who showed you kindness

We are not there, because of those walls

We pounded at the gates until we bled

You don't have to run; nobody is hunting you

For you are alone, trapped behind those walls

With only your daemons for company

 

</div>

[Hylas]

Menzo, I think you missed the 'a' in the first line.

 

The poem... describes a lot of us. How fear turns us into monsters. How it drives away others and lead us deeper into loneliness. Scared at first by childish things. Then finally scared by our own fears.

 

I love it. I've felt this way before (and sometimes, even now). We're all running away from something.

 

P.S. It's funny that I actually have a series entitled "Running". Heh

[corvus]

Nice. The poem has a strong narrative thrust -- the reader doesn't find out who the speaker is until the end. The addressee of the poem is made almost mythical by all the running, the fighting. That's powerful. It took me a little longer to realize that the addressee's "enemy" is, besides an individual ("that haunting shadow"), the "unwashed masses" of riffraff and rabble. Apparently, the "you" is a snob? That makes the message at the end more layered. So is there a sense that "you" should try, in some way, to rejoin or embrace the canaille? (Where did you *get* that word, btw??)

 

My suggestions: there are some places where the voice breaks. "The distinction between hunted and hunter blurs" is such a place. Another point is that you use a lot of cliches or hackneyed phrases. "haunting shadow", "an eye for an eye", "aged beyond your years", "fight fire with fire". I have ambivalent feelings about using cliches, but I think... this is a bit much, harhar. I mean, one way of seeing the poem is a vehicle for the poet to construct new ways of describing and defining emotions and situations that have been robbed of meaning by cliches, and you can't use cliches to do that.

 

Anyway, I liked this poem, it was enjoyable and actually felt like a poem.

[Menzoberranzen]

Nice. The poem has a strong narrative thrust -- the reader doesn't find out who the speaker is until the end. The addressee of the poem is made almost mythical by all the running, the fighting. That's powerful. It took me a little longer to realize that the addressee's "enemy" is, besides an individual ("that haunting shadow"), the "unwashed masses" of riffraff and rabble. Apparently, the "you" is a snob? That makes the message at the end more layered. So is there a sense that "you" should try, in some way, to rejoin or embrace the canaille? (Where did you *get* that word, btw??)

 

My suggestions: there are some places where the voice breaks. "The distinction between hunted and hunter blurs" is such a place. Another point is that you use a lot of cliches or hackneyed phrases. "haunting shadow", "an eye for an eye", "aged beyond your years", "fight fire with fire". I have ambivalent feelings about using cliches, but I think... this is a bit much, harhar. I mean, one way of seeing the poem is a vehicle for the poet to construct new ways of describing and defining emotions and situations that have been robbed of meaning by cliches, and you can't use cliches to do that.

 

Anyway, I liked this poem, it was enjoyable and actually felt like a poem.

 

There is no sense that you should rejoin the canaille. Or at least, there shouldn't have been. The point I was trying to illustrate is that the great unwashed are so numerous there can be no complete escape from them. You could consider the 'you' to be a snob, but the alternate point of view is that he is a misanthrope.

 

I write poetry with the lines I want, without much regard for an overall cadence. It makes the poems more jarring, and unexpected. The discomfort felt at a line that seems too long/short/etc enhances the overall sensation of reading a dark poem, in my opinion.

 

Is the phrase 'haunting shadow' a cliche? The others you mentioned were, certainly, and if I were to re-write it, I would probably change some of those phrases. Constructive criticism is always welcome, although I'm really not a poet so don't expect my next piece to be particularly brilliant.

 

Menzo

 

PS Canaille is just one of the many, many words which are terribly abstruse but which I absolutely adore. I'm not sure the first time I heard it, but it stuck with me.

[corvus]

There is no sense that you should rejoin the canaille. Or at least, there shouldn't have been. The point I was trying to illustrate is that the great unwashed are so numerous there can be no complete escape from them. You could consider the 'you' to be a snob, but the alternate point of view is that he is a misanthrope.

 

I write poetry with the lines I want, without much regard for an overall cadence. It makes the poems more jarring, and unexpected. The discomfort felt at a line that seems too long/short/etc enhances the overall sensation of reading a dark poem, in my opinion.

 

Is the phrase 'haunting shadow' a cliche? The others you mentioned were, certainly, and if I were to re-write it, I would probably change some of those phrases. Constructive criticism is always welcome, although I'm really not a poet so don't expect my next piece to be particularly brilliant.

 

Menzo

 

PS Canaille is just one of the many, many words which are terribly abstruse but which I absolutely adore. I'm not sure the first time I heard it, but it stuck with me.

 

Oh, he's a snob all right. Don't worry, I'm just giving you a hard time.

 

The reason I thought the poem's ending indicated a return to the herd were the assertions that "you don't have to run" and "nobody is hunting you," which may imply that "your" enemies aren't really enemies and are simply his imagination.

 

I had no problems with alternating line length. If you want the poem to be really jarring, however, you might want to use enjambments, like: "you know you / have to run from that haunting shadow." Basically cut a natural line into pieces. However, I don't advise you do that. I like how each line is like a self-contained and assertive; it gives the poem rhythm and drive.

[Jason Rimbaud]

Menzo-

 

I likes. One of the things I've always loved about your work is that it differs so far from mine.

 

I use rhyming schemes, usually, and write in a strict cadence. While you write in a free form verse that, as you said, is written for impact and to jar the reader's senses. I've always found your work to be simple on the surface, and then as you peel the layers back, it becomes more complex and even a bit ambiguous.

 

As for using clich

[Hylas]

methinks it's Menzo.

 

 

/me runs away

[AFriendlyFace]

Menzo-

 

I likes. One of the things I've always loved about your work is that it differs so far from mine.

 

I use rhyming schemes, usually, and write in a strict cadence. While you write in a free form verse that, as you said, is written for impact and to jar the reader's senses. I've always found your work to be simple on the surface, and then as you peel the layers back, it becomes more complex and even a bit ambiguous.

 

As for using clich

Edited August 17, 2008 by AFriendlyFace