Do people who aren't 100% gay or straight have it tougher?

[AFriendlyFace]

Hi everyone,

 

This is sorta like the 2nd half of the At what age did you figure out your sexuality? poll. This one is more about how not being completely gay or straight affects people's lives.

 

For example, as I said in the other poll, I never really struggled with my sexuality at all. I never preferred being one thing over another, and indeed I thought it was pretty cool all along to know that I wasn't just another straight guy, but it was definitely complicated by the fact that I'm still pretty sure I'm NOT 100% gay. I do not consider myself bisexual any longer because I don't think that's the best or most descriptive label for me, and I'm certainly more gay than bi (although again I don't think "bisexual leaning male is quite appropriate either). So I'm perfectly content to live my life as a gay person with a little asterisk and a footnote that says "not completely" or "open to anything".

 

I do like this about myself, and I'm very content with it. However, I'm also quite sure that it made things much more complicated, and probably still does to a very small extent (such as when I need to clarify it like now ). I have no doubt that if I'd been completely gay as many of my friends claim to be I would have been more sure sooner, and probably would have begun my "gay life" earlier. Which has just been delightful and while I enjoyed my teenage years very much I think it might have been cooler to have spent more time with people of an alternate sexuality back then.

 

Anyway, I'm still the sort of person who doesn't particularly care for labels and worse the expectations that come along with them. I've decided that the "gay" label is the most suitable, and it's certainly the most convenient. However, I don't really like the fact that even though I definitely intend to continue to date guys and be very active and socialize in the gay community that if I ever did briefly date a girl (and to be honest while that sounds appealing, a long-term relationship with her sounds unappealing...thus I unless I find a girl that would be comfortable with such a thing AND one whom I was interested in it's unlikely I'll ever do anything about this) it would be "scandalous" and worse might damage my reputation as being "gay". Which sounds silly but I am very active in the gay community and it is an important part of my life, so I would be saddened by the inevitable back talk and finger-wagging.

 

So to sum things up, I picked, "Yes, because people mistrust them" (this bias really ticks me off too ) and "Yes, because they tend to take longer to figure out their sexuality at all". Right now I really don't care that "gay" doesn't suit me in the absolute strictest sense that some people would use it or that "bisexual" doesn't suit me in the way that I would use it. As time's gone by I've come to realize that, for me, everything (not just sexuality) is pretty relative and subjective. I don't have any trouble figuring out what I want, and I would never let social acceptance have an impact on who I date (I admit that for some people who are on the cusp this might be a semi-appropriate consideration, but being someone who doesn't care about that is a much more fundamental part of my personality so that would never suit me). Still, when I was younger and slightly more inclined to see things in black and white it made things more complicated.

 

What are your perceptions and experiences, both as a "gay" or "straight" person OR as someone "in the middle somewhere"?

 

Have a great day everyone!

Kevin

Edited March 6, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[BeaStKid]

i can't vote, as none of these options apply to me.... I am like what you are, Kevin. But I feel, it depends from person to person. For me, I get confused when I see a hot girl and then see a hot guy and say...WOW to both. Then look back at the guy again, ignoring the girl.

 

does that make any sense? :wacko:

[Tristan Thinks]

The answer depends on how well the person accepts their situation. There's a lot of difference between the one that thought they were heterosexual, discovers they are attracted to the same sex, and then is in confusion trying to figure out which label to adopt and the person who simply accepts they are attracted to both sexes to varying degrees.

 

I used to freak out my 'gay' friends inadvertently when we'd be scoping out eye-candy on the street as we walked and I'd make a comment about a beautiful woman instead of a hot guy. They'd do the whole 'ewww, gross!' thing and I could never figure out why they were unable to admit the aesthetics of the person regardless of the gender.

 

Although I could get into an emotional relationship with a woman, and back before I came out I did the heterosexual thing, the last few years I realised I simply couldn't put my heart into pleasuring a woman physically. Memories of the mechanics of certain activities simply make me shudder. Also, having experienced both, I know that a guy can pleasure me much more intensely than a woman could.

 

Also, the degree of attraction to a gender can vary quite markedly over time, and the degree can make a big difference on how tough the person finds dealing with relationships. For example, a guy in a relationship with a woman who is swinging towards preferring men is going to have a tough time dealing with changing emotions. The '100% gay' guy might find it tough dealing with his relationship insecurities due to gay men having a reputation for being more promiscuous.

 

I'd say everyone has it tough in their own particular set of circumstances and that the degree of preference for a gender might be as tough for someone '60/40%' as dealing with casual sex might be for someone who is '100% gay', for example.

[moonwolf]

I voted yes because people will mistrust them, I mean when a gay or a straight person is looking for a relationship they are looking for someone who is going to be faithful to them and from their point of view someone who views himself as bi or leaning male/female cannot be trusted for a relationship since they can just look at way more people and get tempted easily...

 

I used to think that way.. when someone made me realise that as long as the person being straight,gay or bi is being serious in their attempt at having a relattionship then they will stay faithful.. and if they're not well orientation didn't matter in the 1st place, they choose to look somewhere else. (and no it isn't Sacha though he confirms what I say by the way he acts )

 

I guess all in all we need to open our eyes and see the people for who they are not what they are.

 

Jason aka Moonwolf

[old bob]

This is sorta like the 2nd half of the At what age did you figure out your sexuality? poll. This one is more about how not being completely gay or straight affects people's lives.

I answered : "No, because I can "blend" better".

Just now, (its "siesta" time) I'm too lazy to give a detailed answer, so I use Kevin's post .

I never really struggled with my sexuality at all. I never preferred being one thing over another, and indeed I thought it was pretty cool all along to know that I wasn't just an straight guy

The same for me. BTW I'm a "Gemini", with 2 souls in the same body, one gay, one straight .

I do like this about myself, and I'm very content with it.

dito !

Anyway, I'm still the sort of person who doesn't particularly care for labels and worse the expectations that come along with them.

Neither do I, but sometimes labels can be useful and its often easier to be labeled to follow the crowd like a fish in a big pound. And when the river flows, its also easy to change your label !

Thanks Kevin for this and the former poll. It brought a lot of nice memories to me .

(very)Old Bob

Edited March 6, 2008 by old bob

[Tristan Thinks]

BTW I'm a "Gemini", with 2 souls in the same body, one gay, one straight .

 

Gemini here too, and both of mine are gay. Boy, do they have a great time!

[AFriendlyFace]

The answer depends on how well the person accepts their situation. There's a lot of difference between the one that thought they were heterosexual, discovers they are attracted to the same sex, and then is in confusion trying to figure out which label to adopt and the person who simply accepts they are attracted to both sexes to varying degrees.

 

I used to freak out my 'gay' friends inadvertently when we'd be scoping out eye-candy on the street as we walked and I'd make a comment about a beautiful woman instead of a hot guy. They'd do the whole 'ewww, gross!' thing and I could never figure out why they were unable to admit the aesthetics of the person regardless of the gender.

 

Although I could get into an emotional relationship with a woman, and back before I came out I did the heterosexual thing, the last few years I realised I simply couldn't put my heart into pleasuring a woman physically. Memories of the mechanics of certain activities simply make me shudder. Also, having experienced both, I know that a guy can pleasure me much more intensely than a woman could.

 

Also, the degree of attraction to a gender can vary quite markedly over time, and the degree can make a big difference on how tough the person finds dealing with relationships. For example, a guy in a relationship with a woman who is swinging towards preferring men is going to have a tough time dealing with changing emotions. The '100% gay' guy might find it tough dealing with his relationship insecurities due to gay men having a reputation for being more promiscuous.

 

I'd say everyone has it tough in their own particular set of circumstances and that the degree of preference for a gender might be as tough for someone '60/40%' as dealing with casual sex might be for someone who is '100% gay', for example.

I quite agree with this post.

 

I voted yes because people will mistrust them, I mean when a gay or a straight person is looking for a relationship they are looking for someone who is going to be faithful to them and from their point of view someone who views himself as bi or leaning male/female cannot be trusted for a relationship since they can just look at way more people and get tempted easily...

 

I used to think that way.. when someone made me realise that as long as the person being straight,gay or bi is being serious in their attempt at having a relattionship then they will stay faithful.. and if they're not well orientation didn't matter in the 1st place, they choose to look somewhere else. (and no it isn't Sacha though he confirms what I say by the way he acts )

 

I guess all in all we need to open our eyes and see the people for who they are not what they are.

 

Jason aka Moonwolf

Thank goodness you added the second paragraph, Jason! LOL

 

You (and anyone else interested ) should check out another poll I had longer ago: Bisexuality: Thoughts and opinions

 

Thanks Kevin for this and the former poll. It brought a lot of nice memories to me .

(very)Old Bob

You're welcome, Old Bob! I'm glad you enjoyed them, and as always am delighted to gain insight into your perspective on these matters

 

Gemini here too, and both of mine are gay. Boy, do they have a great time!

LOL, well I'm a Virgo, so I've got the perpetual virginity thing going for me

 

Actually, I take this to mean more that I have the capacity to approach relationships with a fresh, unjaded outlook despite past experiences.

 

 

Take care all and have a great day!

Kevin

[rknapp]

I voted all three "yeses". Why? Until recently I figured that bi-sexuals were a happy medium... then I met a few people (some gay) who do not trust them. One of them has since changed his opinion since his boyfriend is bi-sexual, but there are still some who don't trust bi-sexuals, which is a real shame when you consider how much gay people fight for their rights when they don't even trust a group of people who fall within the same demographic. I listened to one guy say his mistrust piece which involved the term greed. I replied with, "I'm probably bi-sexual. I'm also a virgin. Gee, I didn't realize that a virgin could be sexually greedy."

 

Additionally, I'm living proof that "not-straight" people have much more difficulty in determining their sexuality and therefore take longer. Here I sit at 21 with no concrete evidence pointing one way or another, all I can say is that I am not straight. One example is when one of my car magazines had an ad featuring Danica Patrick, and then a few pages later had an article about 19 yr-old Marco Andretti. Both of them rile me up, though I supposed the open-wheel racing helps.

[Tristan Thinks]

I voted all three "yeses". Why? Until recently I figured that bi-sexuals were a happy medium... then I met a few people (some gay) who do not trust them.

Remember that when someone makes this kind of judgement about trusting a group of people based on some artifical label rather than the person themselves, it's more about their trust of themselves than it is about others. As in so many other aspects of life, we often make these kind of judgements of others based on what we know about us.

 

 

I listened to one guy say his mistrust piece which involved the term greed. I replied with, "I'm probably bi-sexual. I'm also a virgin. Gee, I didn't realize that a virgin could be sexually greedy."

I love your style, and turn of phrase - my kind of come-back that is With your permission I'm going to borrow that and use it at some appropriate time

 

Additionally, I'm living proof that "not-straight" people have much more difficulty in determining their sexuality and therefore take longer. Here I sit at 21 with no concrete evidence pointing one way or another, all I can say is that I am not straight.

Don't think you have to rush it, or decide one way or the other.

 

It took me until I was 26 to even work out the reason I wasn't enjoying things as much as I thought I should when dating women was because I preferred guys, and then it took me another 4 years to actually work through to the fact that, hell yes!, I prefer men and what the hell was I doing wasting all that time with women!?

 

All through that time I never thought I had to 'decide' or 'determine' it, I just lived through a period of fascinating confusion and let it work itself out without pushing it. I was a virgin (with both sexes) until I was 28 I think it was, and I 'lost' it to a guy. He told me afterwards he didn't believe I was a virgin since I'd been so good (you gotta love flattery!) but I told him, I'd been thinking about it for so long I'd had time to work out what to do

 

In my case the delay was simply because the examples of 'homosexuals' I'd seen - mostly from the TV - which back then were outraguous effeminate types, weren't things I could identify with. I knew I was fascinated by guys and had been since as long back as I can remember, but I figured that all guys checked other guys out, and I couldn't be one of those 'homosexuals' if the TV images and innuendo were what 'they' were about.

 

My final confirmation didn't come until I saw the movie Beautiful Thing. That story of two lads falling in love in an apartment block in east London was my final confirmation - I came out the same day.

[Tiger]

Yes, because it's harder for them to figure out what they want

 

Part of the reason it took me so long to figure out my sexuality was having a certain level of flexibility. I'm about 80% gay and 20% straight (mostly concentrated on Asians). Fortunately, I know what I want. I know that in all likelihood a woman could not satisfy me as much as a man can.

 

There's also the 50/50 type of bisexual. They are concurrently blessed and cursed. They truly love a person as a person and gender plays no role whatsoever. At the same time, many have a hard time figuring out what they want. A percentage of them have a difficult time being faithful too. And no, it's not just because they're bi, but in my estimation, the 50/50 type has a lot more temptation, and there are some who say that they actually "need" both to be happy. I don't hold that against them at all. I know I could never be monogamous with a woman. I won't get into specifics of exactly why, but I will say that it's something I've accepted. Some are not so fortunate.

 

BTW, your polls totally rock, Kevin.

[AFriendlyFace]

I'm about 80% gay and 20% straight (mostly concentrated on Asians).

That's interesting! Most of my heterosexual attraction is focused on slender, stylish black girls. Isn't it odd that we have a very specific "type" in these matters? The mechanisms and causes of attraction to a certain "type" is something that interests me very much.

 

My main two male types are light haired guys (blond or red) and Asian guys. I'm potentially attracted to any "type" though, but I'm disproportionately attracted to these groups. Actually I have worked out a pretty feasible theory for why that is though.

There's also the 50/50 type of bisexual. They are concurrently blessed and cursed. They truly love a person as a person and gender plays no role whatsoever. At the same time, many have a hard time figuring out what they want. A percentage of them have a difficult time being faithful too. And no, it's not just because they're bi, but in my estimation, the 50/50 type has a lot more temptation, and there are some who say that they actually "need" both to be happy. I don't hold that against them at all. I know I could never be monogamous with a woman. I won't get into specifics of exactly why, but I will say that it's something I've accepted. Some are not so fortunate.

I'm sorry, but while I might sympathize I just can't really accept this as a viable excuse. As I oft said it's fine with me how ever people want to conduct their relationships and whatever their "rules" are, but unless both people are on the same page I really can't offer any more slack to bisexuals. In fact I'm inclined to offer less because I'm so fed up with this excuse!

 

If you make a commitment to someone you make a commitment to someone, and until the time that you both mutually decide to cancel or alter that commitment I expect both people honour it, regardless of other factors. If you can't then you damn well shouldn't make it (or give the impression of having made it) in the first place as far as I'm concerned.

 

Indeed, the only thing that irritates me more than the bisexual thing is gay guys in straight relationships that cheat and then use their sexuality as an excuse.

 

I know this sounds harsh but my attitude is "yeah, I get it you're gay and you don't find your relationship satisfying. Well either end it or suck it up and quit messing around" I know I know, it's not always that easy, there are kids involved or economic issues, or who knows what, but still as far as I'm concerned being unfulfilled and dissatisfied is never a proper justification for infidelity (and I'm not just talking about sexuality matters here).

 

Blah, sorry I got ranty everyone, but I feel strongly on the fidelity front. As far as I'm concerned you can be as sluty and promiscuous as you like, but once you make that commitment you'd better stick to it!

 

Anyway, now that I've probably managed to offend a significant number of readers I'll shut up

BTW, your polls totally rock, Kevin.

Thanks!!

 

 

Take care all and have a great day!

Kevin

Edited March 7, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[Tristan Thinks]

Blah, sorry I got ranty everyone, but I feel strongly on the fidelity front. As far as I'm concerned you can be as sluty and promiscuous as you like, but once you make that commitment you'd better stick to it!

Hang on while I grab my pom-poms and get the cheerleaders into line...

 

Go, Kevin, Go. Go Kevin, Go. Tell them once, dump them else.

[S.L. Lewis]

I went with the one about finding the mates. I can't remeber.

Anyways, I was raised to be open minded, so when I finally figured out that I was bi, I went "Eh, whatever" and went on with my life. It was easy for me. I still don't spread it around but I don't deny it.

And like it's been said before, I don't like labels. I prefer 'Open minded person.'

[Tiger]

That's interesting! Most of my heterosexual attraction is focused on slender, stylish black girls. Isn't it odd that we have a very specific "type" in these matters? The mechanisms and causes of attraction to a certain "type" is something that interests me very much.

 

My main two male types are light haired guys (blond or red) and Asian guys. I'm potentially attracted to any "type" though, but I'm disproportionately attracted to these groups. Actually I have worked out a pretty feasible theory for why that is though.

I think everyone has a type. The men I like vary more than the women actually. I would have to say my favourite would be the dark-haired guys with baby blue eyes like Tom Welling from Smallville. I also like the Latinos. I also have to like the natural blonds. Essentially, I'm boy crazy.

 

As for the rest of what you said, I would never make excuses for cheating liars. Since I know what I want, I shall accept nothing less, PERIOD. As for downlows, I do not agree with that lifestyle at all. In our current time period, there is not much of an excuse to be married to women and cheating on them with dozens of men. If anyone is living like that, shame on you. If you can't give you wife the love and devotion she deserves, it's time to end it. There are no excuses, not even children.

 

Tim

 

PS- Kevin, I'm not afraid to step on toes when necessary.

[FrenchCanadian]

I'll say that they have it a little harder. In the sense that, there will always be those people that will be expecting you to cheat on them and go and do things with someone of the opposite sex.

 

a few weeks ago, there was this poll about, would you go out with a "bi". If I remember right, quite enough people were vocal enough to say that they would not. Also, after finding the guy that won't mind about not being "100%" gay, well you'll have to face their friends and family that will prolly be thinking also, 'don't go out with this guy, he's bi, he'll end up hurting you'.

[Tiger]

I'll say that they have it a little harder. In the sense that, there will always be those people that will be expecting you to cheat on them and go and do things with someone of the opposite sex.

 

a few weeks ago, there was this poll about, would you go out with a "bi". If I remember right, quite enough people were vocal enough to say that they would not. Also, after finding the guy that won't mind about not being "100%" gay, well you'll have to face their friends and family that will prolly be thinking also, 'don't go out with this guy, he's bi, he'll end up hurting you'.

 

You're correct, Sacha. I happen to not be in 100% club. I think if more people were being honest, they would say the same. I'm about 80/20, so the 20 is a whole lot easier to ignore. Therefore, men should worry more about me cheating with other men than with women. I do not intend to cheat either, but it's just something for people to think about for a while.

Edited March 10, 2008 by TL The Writing Tiger

[Jack Frost]

Few people fit in this 100% thing.

 

The rest are in the grey area. Isn't that a pretty color?

 

It's like a conitinuum (oh I hate using stupid Latin words).

 

Most gays have some degrees of heterosexual tendencies among with their prodominant homosexual ones.

 

And vice versa for the straights.

 

Now for the bisexuals, they can have one tendency having a slightly more weight over the other but the difference is not as great compared to the one of the straights and gays.

 

So I guess...1 to 10 (former being 100% gay and then latter being 100% straight).

 

0 = totally gay (few people fits there)

1-3 = predominately homosexual with some degree of straightness

4-6 = bisexual with homosexualness and heterosexualness fighting for predominance *or* one tendency would have a slightly more weight over the other

7-9 = predominately straight with some degree of homsexualness

10 = totally straight (again few people fit there no matter how much they say so...they usually don't want to admit having some homosexual tendencies in their past)

 

I'd be 1 or 2 (maybe 1.5). I do have a slight heterosexual tendency, but it would take quite a lot for me to go there.

 

I hope you get what I am talking about. lol I'm tired to be any clearer.

 

Of course, I'm not trying to make labels, but showing the theory that makes sense to me.

 

PS - I just see it was already discussed now. lol I didn't bother reading much...

Edited March 10, 2008 by Jack Frost

[Tiger]

0 = totally gay (few people fits there)

1-3 = predominately homosexual with some degree of straightness

4-6 = bisexual with homosexualness and heterosexualness fighting for predominance *or* one tendency would have a slightly more weight over the other

7-9 = predominately straight with some degree of homsexualness

10 = totally straight (again few people fit there no matter how much they say so...they usually don't want to admit having some homosexual tendencies in their past)

 

I'd be 1 or 2 (maybe 1.5). I do have a slight heterosexual tendency, but it would take quite a lot for me to go there.

I think your scale works better than the Kinsey scale! I put myself at about 2-3.

[NickolasJames8]

Wow, this topic really hits home for me, because for the last few months, I've been dating a girl. Of course, somehow, that changes everything with my friends and even with my family. When I had a bf, it was no big deal and my folks trusted us enough to do the right thing that they'd let us be in my room with the door closed, and he was allowed to sleep over.

Now that I'm with a girl, the rules are suddenly different. For a while, she wasn't allowed in the house unless my dad or stepmom was home. Then it went to her not being allowed in the house at all, even if my folks were home (there's actually a reason for that but I'm not ready to discuss it yet), now she can come over, but she can only be downstairs and my parents have to know what we're doing at all times.

My friends are pretty much weirded out by the whole thing too, and I won't even get into the way her mom reacted to the news that her daughter was with a gay guy. Let's just say it was something along the lines of a warning about AIDS and some other bullcrap. So I definitely voted that it's harder for someone who isn't 100% one way or the other, especially if they've already outed themselves to everyone they know and love.

[shadowgod]

I voted all three "yeses". Why? Until recently I figured that bi-sexuals were a happy medium... then I met a few people (some gay) who do not trust them. One of them has since changed his opinion since his boyfriend is bi-sexual, but there are still some who don't trust bi-sexuals, which is a real shame when you consider how much gay people fight for their rights when they don't even trust a group of people who fall within the same demographic. I listened to one guy say his mistrust piece which involved the term greed. I replied with, "I'm probably bi-sexual. I'm also a virgin. Gee, I didn't realize that a virgin could be sexually greedy."

 

Additionally, I'm living proof that "not-straight" people have much more difficulty in determining their sexuality and therefore take longer. Here I sit at 21 with no concrete evidence pointing one way or another, all I can say is that I am not straight. One example is when one of my car magazines had an ad featuring Danica Patrick, and then a few pages later had an article about 19 yr-old Marco Andretti. Both of them rile me up, though I supposed the open-wheel racing helps.

 

 

totally off topic, but I have to say i just love that line

[rknapp]

totally off topic, but I have to say i just love that line

Maybe it's the migraine medicine/Non-Linear equations running through my head at 2:20 am, but -- what?

[AFriendlyFace]

Maybe it's the migraine medicine/Non-Linear equations running through my head at 2:20 am, but -- what?

LOL, the line from your quote that he bolded...he found it amusing The one about Danica Patrick and Marco Andretti and the racing.

 

Wow, this topic really hits home for me, because for the last few months, I've been dating a girl. Of course, somehow, that changes everything with my friends and even with my family. When I had a bf, it was no big deal and my folks trusted us enough to do the right thing that they'd let us be in my room with the door closed, and he was allowed to sleep over.

Now that I'm with a girl, the rules are suddenly different. For a while, she wasn't allowed in the house unless my dad or stepmom was home. Then it went to her not being allowed in the house at all, even if my folks were home (there's actually a reason for that but I'm not ready to discuss it yet), now she can come over, but she can only be downstairs and my parents have to know what we're doing at all times.

My friends are pretty much weirded out by the whole thing too, and I won't even get into the way her mom reacted to the news that her daughter was with a gay guy. Let's just say it was something along the lines of a warning about AIDS and some other bullcrap. So I definitely voted that it's harder for someone who isn't 100% one way or the other, especially if they've already outed themselves to everyone they know and love.

Whoa, Nick, I didn't know that at all!

 

First off let me say that I'm really proud of you for thinking outside the box and pursing something with this person even though you're in unchartered waters! Way to go I think it's really romantic

 

If I were your parents I would do my very best to treat your relationship with the girl just the way I'd always treated your other relationships because to me it wouldn't feel fair not to. However, while I obviously can't speak for your parents, I'm sure a big part of what must be going on has to do with the perception that girls are more "easy to take advantage of" I hate that stereotype! But it's so prolific it's hard to avoid. I confess that even me - Mr. down with stereotypes and gender roles - would have a slight feeling of, "Well, if it's two guys and they get up to anything it's probably something they both want, but if it's a guy and a girl, she might feel pressured". That's ridiculous of course, and I know that, but it's hard to escape that perception.

 

Also, I suspect the issue of pregnancy is another aspect. I mean you weren't going to get Taylor pregnant even if you weren't careful

 

Could it also have anything to do with the relationship your parents have with the girl and her family over how things were with them and Taylor and his family? I mean if the girl's parents are already acting like this is a huge deal maybe they just feel more anxious and nervous to begin with and more like they have to make sure everything is going down as smoothly as possible.

 

Anyway, I don't really know, but as I said I'm really glad for you and proud of you

 

I hope things work out!

Kevin

[Tiger]

Kevin, I second your opinion on Nick's new relationship. I am a little surprised, but I'm still cool with it. There may be a woman out there who can set me ablaze. All I have to say for now is, "Are you woman enought to change me?"