[Corvus] Mike and Winston efiction reviews

[corvus]

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: Frostina

 

Hey,I really liked the story, but my mind keeps screaming that

it is somehow unfinished.... unresolved somehow.... Dunno how to explain

it....Frosty

Date: 11/11/2010 10:37 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: Peitho

 

I liked it, the whole story. Will there be a sequel?

Date: 07/18/2010 03:48 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 6 Reviewer: accord

 

CORVUS I'm really enjoying the story upto #6 I've read plenty of

stories but not this type of story line. its feels so real. I was

hoping he would get together with Dan if he was gay. but I remembered

that the title is about mike and winston. so anyway keep up the good

work and thanks ; )

Date: 11/28/2009 07:32 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 7 Reviewer: PicklePip86

 

Corvus,

Wow, is all i can say so far...

There is a quality to your writing, that screams reality. I love

it. Its more than realism, because it doesnt feel like your trying, its

like it just comes naturally.

I totally connect to Mike, especially his family situation- which you illustrate so well.

Great Job!

Date: 02/10/2009 01:10 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: taina1959

 

Just finished reading your story. Since it was left kind of opened at the end, I'm ending your story

thinking that Dan IS gay and he and Mike end up together. Win Win

situation! Boohoo on Winston. Sorry to see that he had to look for

satisfaction outside the marriage, stil, he should've been honest with

his wife. Great read babe!!

Date: 01/30/2009 03:01 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 5 Reviewer: buggy

 

Hi --- I'm a reader rather than a writer. Still getting a feel for your writing, but so far I like what I'm reading.

Keep up the good work. I'll write again later. Thanks for all your efforts!

Date: 11/21/2008 12:14 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Richard Lyon

 

All in all this is an enjoyable story. The writing is crisp and

the pace is sure and steady. There are some rather stunning spots such

as comparing the mother's bitter smile to frost on the window pane. Mike

comes through as a believable and realistic person. Winston seems less

well developed. However, it is Mike's story as seen through his eyes.

The ending seemed very realistic and appropriate.

Date: 07/27/2008 07:00 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: araul

 

You really have got talent! Individual scenes were great,

especially the internal dialogue of Mike during chat or checking the

e-mails were among my favourites. However sometimes I had the feeling

that the scene did not flow naturally... I mean they were logical, but

it felt more that they were just supposed to follow this logic instead

of having a smooth flow. I also appreciated the portraits of the family

members of Mike and Mike's portraits. Winston and Dan had a sort of

"mistery" guy image, which is good, but not with 2 characters competing

for it... Finally, very nice job, one of my favourite writings!!!

Date: 07/08/2008 08:15 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: Lugh

 

nice little story... keep writing.

Date: 05/16/2008 11:30 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: tlwritingtiger

 

That was a great story. I really liked the atypical ending. I look forward to reading more of you stories in the future!

Date: 05/05/2008 12:05 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Jonnie

 

Oh my gosh, that was wonderful. I can't really truly describe how

much I loved this storyr12;I'm a sucker for sad endings. I think I love

it more because things didn't work out. Sounds cruel, I know, but I

don't care.Anyway, you did a wonderful jobr12;keep it up!

Date: 05/03/2008 11:44 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: steph291

 

I think I'm more upset than Mike is. Winston is such a boob! nice

way to tie everything together. will there be another story of Mike?

Date: 04/20/2008 07:42 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 7 Reviewer: steph291

 

oh, god! Winston's going to chicken out, isn't he?!?!

Date: 04/20/2008 07:11 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 2 Reviewer: steph291

 

oh crap! he left his ring!great story so far...

Date: 04/20/2008 05:54 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Libby Drew

 

I marked the following passage because it was just so stunning. Of

course, I have no idea how long you may have spent constructing it, but

know that whether it flowed onto the page with ease of whether you

slaved over the individual words and sentences over and over, you hit a

home run. Vivid imagery. Almost visceral. He had not thought it

would be like this. But he had not actually formed any expectations.

Thinking back, he realized how simple it had seemed: he was gay, that

was a bad thing, and he needed to tell his mother like a misbehaving

child. But she had not believed him. For the first time, he had realized

that there were edges and corners to his life that his mother could not

grasp, much less run a hand over in understanding. As for the

story in general, bravo! This is gritty realism. I think what

appealed to me so much about it was the lack of melodrama amidst the

drama. You captured Mike's hopes and fears, his struggle against an

escapist attitude, his youth and zest, but most of all, his

steadfastness and strength. I think there might be a little bit of you

in here, yes? Regardless, though the title of your story is "Mike and

Winston", it's really about Mike. He shines against your other

characters, not to say they were flat in any way shape or form, but for

me, he was the star of the show. I believe I may have mentioned before

how my initial feelings of sympathy toward Winston eroded over time. I

don't belittle his struggle – my current WIP has a character who's made

similar choices, and the repercussions are disastrous – but (for

personal reasons, I suppose) I didn't appreciate his manipulation of

Mike's feelings or of the situation. But again, you made him real –

that trumps fairy-tale romance. Early on, I suspected he would back out

of the "deal". One doesn't live that kind of lie for years and years

without becoming accomplished at deception – especially self-deception.

Your ending. I loved it. I wish I had had time to read this before I

made that post on endings, because this is a prime example of a story

that ended at the right time. Your protagonist is at a crossroads and

he's been fundamentally changed by the events in your fic. End of

story. Of course, you could have gone on longer with it, but I'm glad

you didn't. The image of Mike calling after Winston, begging him to

reconsider or, at the very least, face the truth, was a very powerful

one. There are two suggestions I might make, but I'll keep my own

counsel on those unless you communicate that you're interested in

hearing them. Thank

you so much for this story. It's obvious how hard you worked on it (if

you churned it out completely effortlessly, the envy may destroy me). I

enjoyed it very, very much. It was a pleasure to read, not only for the

tale itself, but also for the wordsmithing. And seriously, I did shed a

few tears this morning when I couldn’t access it. Thanks for trusting

me with the file. Take care.

Date: 04/06/2008 05:53 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Libby

 

On vacation until April 4 with spotty internet, corvus. Am looking forward to catching up when I get back.

Date: 03/21/2008 04:06 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Procyon White

 

I forgot to rate it!! Goodness. Okay you're getting a ten because,

well, it was just a delight to read, and because it's the first of your

stories since Prometheus Bound that had a desperate urge to get written.

Date: 03/20/2008 11:04 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: GaryInMiami

 

It's taken me this long to write a review. I was seriously affected

by how this story ended. I sort of suspected in Chapter 7 that Winston

wasn't going to keep his word. What a manipulative bastard. Unlike

others I don't feel the least bit sorry for him. This is the life he's

chosen for himself. The only good thing to come of it was Mike can now

be totally honest with his family. So maybe in a way Winston did him a

favor. Thanks for a good story. I think this will be a GA classic.

Especially if you let someone edit it to give it the professional polish

it needs. Were it not for that I'd give you a ten for my final review.Author's

Response: I'm quite glad it affected you this strongly. It was what I

was going for. Thanks for the kind predictions about GA

canonification, as well as the beta read offers. And the reviews, of

course!

Date: 03/19/2008 09:09 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: Ed Charles

 

Excellent story, beautifully written. Thank you.Author's Response: Thank you!

Date: 03/19/2008 02:34 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: Procyon White

 

Hey, as you know I'm really tired, but I'll say that I enjoyed

this immensely while reading it on the train this morning, and it was

agonising to stop because I had to get off right where Winston gets his

capuccino. (Btw one always gets milk with a cappuccino so you wouldn't

say 'no cream'.)Mike's coming out to his mother was painful, and

not only because she took it so hard and didn't understand, but also

because she was alone and Mike's dad told her this over the phone after

he'd gone back to France (in a fit of rage?) to his mistress (?) -- you

can imagine their convo: 'You're having an affair, aren't you?' 'No.' 'I

know you are!' 'You know, Mike told me he's gay, did you know?' Okay

maybe that is out of character for the father and he was genuinely

worried, but it was still not a nice thing to do, talking to her about

it only after he left.The part with Jonas was unexpected and

enjoyable, some great lines there again, and also when Mike came out to

Dan: '"he’s, uh, pretty gay, with, uh, you know.” He repeated the odd

flappy-arm movement. “Limp wrists and everything."' I laughed out loud

on the train when I read that, lalala.The ending could have been

unbearably depressing but Mike's quiet irony and laconic

observations ('After all, all he knew about life were some rudimentary

economics and how best to masturbate in secret.') prevent that, even

though he's just desperately run after Winston to the station (great,

hehe.) Also, there was so much happening just before that final scene,

there were so many openings for Mike, so many possibilities for him to

fulfil his New Year's resolutions and get a life (harhar) that the

ending was still hopeful.Author's Response: You're my

Helen Vendler... haha. It's cool that you kept the New Year's

resolutions thought, and even cooler that M&W was rereadable for

you.

Date: 03/18/2008 04:28 PM

Edited December 25, 2010 by corvus

[corvus]

Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: nanaMY

 

Wow...what a great ending...!! i kinda luv it...but it will be

better with a very very nice and happy ending...because i don't like to

see anyone suffer...not of love at least!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it, even though the ending wasn't totally upbeat.

Date: 03/18/2008 02:57 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 7 Reviewer: Procyon White

 

This chapter flows a lot better now than the last time I read

it, especially Mike's visit home -- his dad's tiredness and Mike's

coming out to him. His dad's reaction, which was so abrupt that it

became confusing at first, now seems natural though it is still

anticlimactic. But it makes sense since his dad is so tired and has so

many other things to worry about that finding out that his son is gay

turns out to be the least of his worries -- and there was poor Mike

expecting a major family drama (even after he told him and there was

hardly any reaction) or at least some sort of shock or surprise from his

dad. Well done.His interaction with Dan was good, and again

there's some good lines in this: 'Should he apologize before or after?

After, he decided. Mom, I'm gay. /.../ How would she react? Would she

already know? Inconsequently: would she still cook dinner, or would this

merit a takeout?' This is one example of what makes this story

literature as opposed to just some other satisfying but still rather

ordinary love story, or coming-out story. Incidentally, the

food-centredness of this story is 'genial' as they say in German. Food

signifies life just as sex does, and a Life is what Mike set out to get

in chapter one, that was what his New Year's resolutions were all about.

Okay I'm stating the obvious as usual, but yeah.Is there a way

of making the review square bigger btw or did they make it this way so

as to keep reviews a maximum of two lines? It's so hard to write without

being able to see what one's already said. If I'm incoherent, that's

why.Have fun editing the next chappies,Procyon

Date: 03/16/2008 09:34 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 7 Reviewer: Tiff

 

I am going to review this to the end. I sound crazy now, lol. But

yes, I so should get credit for being so loyal. Oh and Gary, too. lol.

I've seen him quite a bit around here. Gary and I are discussing

this in the forums. How is this a rough draft, btw? I don't see any

areas for improvement, it's fleshed out well and the continuity is good,

as well as emotional and detailed. Anyway, this was my favorite

chapter. I like the Asian things about Mike and learning about him a

little more- in terms of his generation, his mother's background, his

language knowledge, etc. I could relate to this chapter,

especially the whole family dysfunction thing. Everyone in the family

acts alone instead of together. It seems very real. Anyway, I dislike Winston. Is he ignoring Mike? Kill the SOB! Manipulative jerk. Blow a poison dart at him or something! Mike's coming out was anticlimatic- the reaction from his Dad was unexpected. I wonder what his mother will say. And how does Dan work into all this??? More soon...please?Author's

Response: LOL so much anti-Winston-ism! Chs 8 and 9 are now up, I'm

curious to see what you think. Thanks for the review!

Date: 03/14/2008 11:29 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 7 Reviewer: GaryInMiami

 

This is sure one messed-up family. But at least Mike has done half

of what he promised to do. I sure hope Winston keeps his end of the

deal. This one was a really rough draft, not that it stopped me from

reading it eagerly though. How long until you release the next chapter?Author's

Response: Talk about prompt reviews . You say that you felt this was

really a rough draft -- I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me

exactly which parts you were thinking of. Dramatically this chapter was

more disjointed, and the end was anticlimactic, but if there's other --

and more specific -- things you can point out, pleaes tell me. Thanks --

and if you don't reply, I shall PM you.

Date: 03/14/2008 09:59 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 6 Reviewer: Tiff

 

I love that it came back full circle to the beginning- now we can

move ahead. Bulldoze to the conclusion! Three more, right? Gah, I'm

excited and anxious, curse you! This chapter doesn't leave you

with a good feeling at all. That pact they made seemed more like a joke,

especially to Winston. I have a feeling Winston won't really be around

much longer or something bad might be in store for Mike. Like with his

family, maybe? And yeah, how will Dan fit into all of this? Or

maybe he won't. Technically, it doesn't have to be a lovey dovey couple

(like my stories, right, lol!), but Dan could help him discover himself

or whatever. Hmm, I love that you keep us guessing. Very good. So...this is review number five. Not bad. I am on top of this review business. : )Author's Response: If

you keep this up, I'm going to make a post in the 'motivating

reviewers' thread highlighting you as a Super Shining Star Reviewer. :PLovey

dovey couples are nice! I only wish I were part of one... The next

chapters are pretty long, actually, so it'll be more of a log roll than a

bulldoze. Again, thanks for reviewing!

Date: 03/13/2008 11:08 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 6 Reviewer: Procyon White

 

Goodness that ending bodes ill... Anyway, the hickey scene was

good and I'm beginning to like Dan more and more. Mike's post-sex

regret, or urge to make Winston come out, was also well done, but the

best part I think was when Winston began to change his mind about

telling his wife, that made his character suddenly seem a lot more real,

and more interesting.ProcyonAuthor's Response: As usual, you provide Valuable Insight. I can now view that Changing Mind Scene in a different light. Thank you, O Loyal Reader.

Date: 03/12/2008 02:09 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 6 Reviewer: GaryInMiami

 

This keeps getting better and better. Your dialogue is so

realistic. We're getting to know the characters so much better with each

passing chapter just as it should be. Mike and Winston are about to

take a huge risk so it's clear this isn't your average story where two

characters meet, fall in love, and plan on a happy, hassle-free life

together. There are going to be some serious challenges ahead. The

flashback scene was brilliant. I can't help but wonder how Dan is going

to fit into all of this.Author's Response: I'm glad you're

enjoying this so far! In my opinion, happy hassle-free lives make poor

stories. There needs to be some sort of conflict. Thanks for the review!

Date: 03/12/2008 01:43 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: nanaMY

 

i love it...nice story!!Author's Response: Thanks!

Date: 03/12/2008 01:23 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 6 Reviewer: sparrow

 

So good! The situations and dialogue are very realistic and I like

the way you've developed the story back around to the flashback. I

especially like that even though its called "Mike and Winston", its not

the obvious two characters meet and fall in love, live happily ever

after type story I was expecting. I like that the nature and future of

their relationship and its role in their lives is more undefined. Can't

wait to see where it goes from here and also what happens with Dan!Author's

Response: Yeah, the title is quite misleading, although I like that

it's unexpected. If you can think of a good (better -- not hard, that)

title, do tell! Writing back full circle to the beginning scene was

quite a rush, I must say, although there was quite a lot of editing

involved.

Date: 03/12/2008 12:19 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 5 Reviewer: Dan

 

Hope it's not the end. The story is very realistic in a dingy sort

of way. This is life, not some amazing love story from start to finish.

There's sex, screwed up families, and temptation.Author's

Response: Thanks for the review! There are 9 chapters in all. My hope is

that the story is still enjoyable and un-depressing, even though I try

writing realism (as much realism as you can claim in art) into it.

Date: 03/11/2008 12:43 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 5 Reviewer: Tiff

 

What number review is this? Anyway, loving the development, as

always. Nice to see Dan and Mike getting closer. Dan hinting about

needing a roommate was a nice scene. Winston bothered me, with

the whole fancy restaurant and comments, and he does come off as a bit

manipulative; always knowing what to say, soothing you, but also not, at

the same time. I'm interested what will happen between them in the

future. I liked the end of the chapter- seeing Winston's wedding band on his bedstand. Was it deliberately forgotten or what?The memory

when he visited his father in Germany and what he had seen was woven in

perfectly. I agree, you wonderfully add in tidbits of his past that's

relevant to the scene, instead of laying it all out there, upfront.

Winston cheating on his wife with him no doubt brought up that memory-

realizing his father was cheating on his mother- kissing the umbrella

woman and navigating the streets better than he let on. It was sad and

touching how he couldn't recall the meal he had had with his father and

Steve. It was like it was a sad memory, so he repressed it. The

whole thing is developing really well. I'm amazed at how easily and

realistically you connect the characters and relationships, between dan,

Winston, and his family, as well as provide his history and background.

Author's Response: I do believe it's the fourth I

think Winston put the wedding band on the bedstand because, yes, he

wanted to forget about it. It's interesting to see the perspective shift

re: Winston... I'll have to keep mum about it all, as there're 4

chapters left, heh. Thanks for reviewing!

Date: 03/10/2008 12:42 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 5 Reviewer: nanaMY

 

Wonderful story...keep it up!Author's Response: Thanks!

Date: 03/09/2008 11:47 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 5 Reviewer: Libby Drew

 

Catching up tonight. I loved these last two chapters

(4 and 5?). You're really fleshing out Mike's character now.

Stylistically, it's near flawless -- I love how you throw out clues here

and there, so that he grows in each scene. Different, but not

unrelated: from a storytelling persepctive, you've made me care about

him quite a bit, and while I was neutral before these chapters, I'm

now far more sympathetic to Mike than to Winston.The bits with

Mike's family... well done. Very subtle foreshadowing. I have a feeling

you only include elements in your prose if they serve a specific

purpose; I expect Mike's mother and brother -- and his relationship with

them -- will come into play at some point. So far Mike's doing a

fine job handling things, but I sense the balancing act will fail

sooner rather than later. You've managed a very realistic tone with

this fic, which is something I really enjoy if it's handled well. I had

trouble pinpointing at first why Winston made me angry, but as I'm

writing this, I think I've worked out that his apparent flippant regard

for rules and words irks me. As I see it, he's on the cusp of being

manipulative.Heh. Shutting up now. Thanks for sharing this. Your efforts are well-loved. Author's

Response: I myself rather like these two chapters -- I was pleasantly

surprised when rereading. And I didn't realize what I was writing into

Winston. Feedback is especially great in this regard. Thanks for the

review!

Date: 03/09/2008 09:35 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 5 Reviewer: GaryInMiami

 

Hi Corvus. This is my second review of this story. M&W gets

better all the time. I'm getting to know the characters better which is a

huge plus for me. There is so much potential here. And yet you continue

to claim this is just a rough draft, eh? Your writing makes me very

happy!Author's Response: Yup, thanks for the reviews. And

this still is a rough draft, albeit a second draft... I had Yap look

things over, and I haven't made his corrections yet. *embarrassed*

Date: 03/09/2008 09:04 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 4 Reviewer: Procyon White

 

Anything to make sure you don't serve someone your eyes on a tray. ;)Winston

is coming along nicely, and so is their relationship. You've got some

great lines here again -- "And if I”—he paused for emphasis—“weren’t

doing it with you…” Mike shook his head. “At least you’re not a

psychopath. I think.” Poor Mike, harhar. But so good, and so in

character. His relationship with Dan is shaping up nicely as

well, the puking scene was a good one (realistic! *cough*) and Mike's

balancing between friendship and a crush was very real.Overall,

very very enjoyable, even the depressing bits (i.e. family & guilt

and such.) Great! You edited it well too. Go ahead and upload chapter 5

soon!

Date: 03/09/2008 09:56 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: Procyon White

 

Much sadder than the last, but maybe even more enjoyable. Poor

Mike, having such a gloomy time at home, and nearly flushing Winston

down the drain because of it. But totally understandable.Even

though Mike is hardly ever on his own in this chapter, but almost always

with someone -- at the party, with his family, with Winston -- his

loneliness is accentuated here; it becomes more painful since he can't

really enjoy the company of his brother, his mother, or even Dan as he

takes him home from the party. Winston is the one person with whom Mike

doesn't have to feel lonely, or rather, who makes Mike seem less lonely

to me.Again, great pacing and dialogue. And everything. Yes, do publish. ttfn, Procyon

Date: 03/06/2008 04:46 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: GaryInMiami

 

I'm made it through chapter three. It's hard to believe this is

just a rough draft. I'm interested to see where this goes cause I'm

really into older guys and there's so much potential for Mike and

Winston; Dan too. I can't fathom how he's going figure into this story.

It was nice to see Mike is mature enough to question what he's getting

himself into while still able to have fun at that party. Gil is someone

I'm looking forward to knowing better; not sure why. But mostly I want

to know more about Winston and Mike. You've got me hooked. The character

development is second to none. Thanks for an excellent read, so far.

One that I can't criticize in the least. I'm usually conservative with

stars but this one is an exception.

Date: 03/06/2008 03:31 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Tiff

 

Am I stalking you yet? lol. Your story is the only one I'm

reading on eFiction so far, so I have time to focus! You'll be getting

more from me in the future, I'm sure. But hey, it's still a review and a

loyal fan! It was interesting to see Mike struggling with

himself, morally, wondering about Winston's wife, and then rationalizing

it all. Winston is still a hazy character- I'm eager to find out more

about him. When he randomly left Mike's place, was it because he felt

guilty or something else? Interesting. And Gil? What's up with

him? Was he high, drunk, crazy, or a combination of them all? I think

Mike should end up with Dan. Crazy Gil did mention that Dan liked him,

but that could mean only as friends.....hmmm.....Perhaps that forum topic wasn't intended to motivate readers, but it had the right effect. So it's a good thing!

Date: 03/06/2008 12:30 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: Anonymous

 

I like this story so far, please continue!

Date: 03/05/2008 09:06 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 2 Reviewer: Procyon White

 

This is a great chapter. You can feel Mike growing as he has his

first, nervous encounter with Winston which then turns into a pretty

important and positive experience for him. You've gone from the gloom in

the first chapter to excitement in the second, and you do a great job

conveying Winston through Mike's eyes; he seems cool but not

exaggeratedly so, and above all he's completely convincing, as is Mike.The

pacing in this chapter is perfect, the dialogue great ("Where’d you

learn to do that?” Winston laughed softly. “Not the classes you’re

taking") and overall it's just really enjoyable. And it's also exciting,

it's almost a cliffie there at the end with Winston's wedding ring, and

it's a bit ominous too, that ending. It certainly makes you want to

read on. Great story so far!P.S. I didn't see that you'd

responded to my review, harhar... But yeah, of course you're like

George, and so am I, that's why it's so nice to see that he's even

worse, no inhibitions left. It gives you an illusion of hope. *nods

wisely* Anyway. Can't wait to read chapter three!!!

Date: 03/03/2008 03:16 PM

[corvus]

Title: Chapter 2 Reviewer: Libby Drew

 

You say this story is finished, so I'm trusting you, Corvus. ;D I don't usually read WiPs. Starting

with a future scene, giving us a hint of what's to come, really helped

pull me into the story. The narrative moves smoothly, and the dialog

sounds natural. I enjoyed how Mike's memories give us some clues to his

past, yet we still have questions. You do a great job of avoiding an information dump, and the story feels very well-paced so far. You've

made me care about these characters in a relatively short period of

time. I can't help wondering if you'll be sticking to a strict limited

3rd person POV, or if we can expect to get a glimpse of things from

Winston's perspective.I look forward to future chapters. Author's

Response: Thanks for the review! It's great to get feedback from an

author whose work I myself really enjoy. You seem to be wondering a lot

of things that, ah, I'll have to keep mum about, as this is only chapter

2.

Date: 03/03/2008 08:04 AM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Tiff

 

Yes, thank heavens for impatience! It works for us readers. And if I had a completed story, I'd be impatient, too.Yes,

that thread in the forum has worked wonders. I shall take the time to

review as often as possible, considering if I managed to read the entire

chapter, surely I can leave a small note! Looking forward to more. Author's

Response: You know, it just occurred to me that I started a thread for

motivating reviewers right before I began uploading my story. I swear I

wasn't planning it! lol Anyway, thanks again for the review; I hope you

like more of what you read

Date: 03/02/2008 10:51 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Tiff

 

Yes, I am so glad this is already completed. I have something to read and look forward to every week.This

is a really great start. It flows well, and the beginning paragraphs

foreshadows some of the possible events that could occur. Like Winston's

vagueness- "I'll email you, or something." Sounds a bit shady, and I'm

curious as to which direction you'll take this in. It could either be a

happy romance between Winston and Mike, or heartbreak and mike finds

happiness elsewhere. I'm eager now!I liked the segment of Mike's

Mom and how sad she got. In that simple conversation- you were able to

tell a lot about his mother and his family overall. It was woven in

subtly, instead of just flat out stating it. Author's

Response: I'm going to be too impatient ultimately to wait a whole week

to update, haha. Anyway, thanks for the review -- it's great to see that

thread in the writer's corner in action

Date: 02/28/2008 10:55 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Procyon White

 

A very interesting beginning. Mike is a great character, very

real and easy to empathise with, funny and tragic at the same time, the

way most people are, I guess. or maybe it's just me. A few times he

reminded me of George in Seinfeld, though luckily for him he's less of a

loser (he got into Berkeley after all, and his mother didn't actually

walk in on him masturbating, although she did phone...) You haven't said

much about the other characters yet but they're vivid already, both

Winston, Jonas, Dan, and Mike's mother. I like the humour in this, quiet

and a bit ironic.Yeah, post chapter 2 soon! Interesting, interesting... Author's

Response: I'm sure you're dying to know what happens in chapter 2

Anyway, I would like to say that I began this *before* you got me into

Seinfeld. That probably means I've got a bit of George in me, sadly. Ah

well.

Date: 02/28/2008 02:54 PM

 

 

 

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Bondwriter

 

As for constructive criticism, I don't have any. This flows, and

we'll see later on where it's headed... (I give only an 8 so I can

modulate later on...)Author's Response: Thanks for dropping a

comment. I hope to see how your opinion changes with later chapters, if

it does. Read on!

Date: 02/28/2008 01:39 PM