Depression

[Mark92]

Some people just dont or cant talk about it. Some just dont admit it to others or to themselves. It is a very private thing to some people. I have found the more I tell it the easier it gets, and I will keep on telling it. I hav'nt heard nothing about the panel yet. So I will keep nipping back here to answer anyone or to say i'm here, come talk to me.

[Aximili Chaosmembrane]

Very true. I thought I wasn't depressed when I was. I thought I was right for feeling bad because everything around me is falling apart, so I thought it was normal. Although the more I talk about my complaints, or defend my feelings/reactions (based on depression), the more blind I became. It was only when I accepted that I was depressed and actually faced it that it started to alleviate.

[Guest raspberryman]

I have suffered from depression fro most of my 43 years. However, it has taken me several years to finally figure out that no one can make me happy but me. I get tired of people saying to me that it is all in my head and I can fix it. Well I say they are all full of S***. Until you walk a day in my shoes, then yo have no idea whatI go through. I have gone to many counselors and have been on medication. ALl of this did help for awhile. Until one day I started writing down in a journal when I got depressed and what the reason(s) I thought might have caused it. YOu many nor believe me, but it has helped me tremendously and would advise trying it.

[Mark92]

I have done that with "the gate" my biggest fear. And it helped to a point. It effects people differently. What works for one may not work for another. So we all have to decide what works for us, and try to stick with it. But yes, the biggy is admitting it, and accepting it.

With me, it started with just opening up in here, and telling my story and sharing my fears.

[Gemma]

I've exprienced depression before--it can be really debilitating. It sort of takes over your body to the point it's hard to get out of bed. I think there definitely is something to "positive thinking" and trying to focus on the good things, but in my female experience, I found that it was hormonal. I changed my pill and things cleared up almost immediately.

 

I would refrain from anti-depressants--just not to get reliant on them, but if things get really bad talk to a doctor. Or, and this is something else I found that helps, talk to a counsillor. Sometimes just talking things through can help miracles.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Gemma

[Jeff Alger]

I am 54 yrs old and have had depression almost since 2001 when the place I worked at closed. Being at home alone gave me a chance to think about myself. I know I was gay but didn't want to admit it to anyone in the town I grew up in and the time that I realized I was because people couldn't accept gays. I was picked on from 5th grade until I graduated. I married a women after I got out of school and had a couple kids. I lived my life as a heterosexual the best I could until I lost my job. My wife knows now that I am gay not bi but has excepted it.

I have taken meds for about 5 years to help with my depression and know by talking to doctors that it isn't me but my body chemistry that makes me depressed. I have been felling better with the help I have been getting.

[Zolia Lily]

Glad to hear you're feeling better, Jeff. All those sorts of big life changes can trigger depression and I hope things continue to get better for you.

Gemma, you are right. So often just coming to terms with things, talking things over and facing them head on can make a huge difference.

[Mark92]

I agree with Lily, my depression is from a lifetime (all 19 years of it) of abuse, neglect and completly cut off from most of the outside world.

But I am still fighting, still looking for that inner peace. I've gained more from having friends here, finding my loving boyfriend here, writing here reading here. GA helped me so much, and continues to help me. People here are real, they care, and for now are all I need to keep my chin up and move on.

Jeff, Hugs to you, that must have been so hard. and so glad your getting better.

Thank you Gemma, its good to get words of encouragement and support.

I still havn't heard about the panel yet but its so good to see this thread still going.

to all

[Agaith]

First of all, I think this thread is an excellent idea and I support my boyfriend, Marky, in his efforts to keep this thread open. Also thanks to Lily as I believe that she has had a good impact too

Although, for the most part; I am happy and gaining more confidence by the day about myself, there were times when I hit big lows. I don't know if it was depression but it was numbness. Just a very deep apathy to anything in my life. This apathy made life, particularly social life, very difficult and became a downward spiral.

This lead to even further lows and although never have done and never attempted to, I have contemplated suicide several times. Only realising how much I would crush my family by doing so and I'm not that selfish to do that.

As some of you know, the word Agaith is a word from the fictional Eldar race which roughly translates to 'false face' or a mask. And that is what happened, even through the turmoil inside me, or the numbness inside me, I still put on a brave face and carried myself through the day. I'm sure some people can relate to that on some level.

I began to believe the mask at times and only when the low broke through did my bad feelings come back, although this time worse.

I refused to go to counselling, some close friends here on GA suggested it might be a good idea but I decided against it.

For a time I felt like I was doomed to this cycle because I couldn't see a way to break it.

And then came an angel, Marky. Friends at first and now boyfriends, he has helped me in a way no other has managed to do. He can see through the false face and I can share my feelings with him openly and he can me.

Marky has helped me the way no other or no other counsellor could ever hope to because he understands me and balances sympathy with a small dose of a kick up the bum! (I didn't say that )

Finding someone who you can open up to completely is priceless, without Marky I wouldn't be where I am now and it is to him I am truly thankful and I am eternally grateful. I love him with all my heart and I hope everyone will find that person, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend etc to open up to completely

 

Here's to the happy times staying and to people finding their own happiness even if the road ahead still looks dark

 

Stuby (not Agaith) signing out

[Mark92]

Thank you baby I feel so humble and blushing after that. You have done the same for me, you gave me a goal, a reason to leave here.

Doing it for myself just wasnt enough. Why leave? I kept telling myself, i'm self-sufficient, I dont need anyone or anything, I cant get by other means.

But you gave me a reason for still being here.

And yes maybe if we all found that special someone, a soulmate, someone who knows you inside and out.

I've always disliked the name Agaith because I knew what it really meant. You're not him anymore. I can see that. hear that and know that.

We will do it together. Thank you baby for just being you.

[Zolia Lily]

You guys are sweet - and both your stories support how much of a difference opening up and finding something to be able to talk to freely can make. I think this is also why sometimes counselling doesn't work - if you don't trust that person completely, don't open up to them totally, then you don't make the kind of progress you want. It's certainly why i stopped seeing my pschologist.

I really empathise with what you said, Stu- a lot of the time i felt really hollow, or numb. Often i didn't feel low. It was as you said, a kind of apathy - but now i kind of connect it to one of the symptoms of depression that is an inability to enjoy anything and a real sense of isolation. I was functioning, but like you said, behind a mask. When i told a few people i was depressed their initial reactions were always one of disbeleif - 'but you're always so happy!' - HA.

[Star]

Depression and I have had the most of unwelcoming of experiences, of which I wish to forget. With that said, today I am depressed and this time I believe it is because I long to be with someone, to love and be loved...badly... either that or I just need to get laid. LOL

[Mark92]

You guys are sweet - and both your stories support how much of a difference opening up and finding something to be able to talk to freely can make. I think this is also why sometimes counselling doesn't work - if you don't trust that person completely, don't open up to them totally, then you don't make the kind of progress you want. It's certainly why i stopped seeing my pschologist.

I really empathise with what you said, Stu- a lot of the time i felt really hollow, or numb. Often i didn't feel low. It was as you said, a kind of apathy - but now i kind of connect it to one of the symptoms of depression that is an inability to enjoy anything and a real sense of isolation. I was functioning, but like you said, behind a mask. When i told a few people i was depressed their initial reactions were always one of disbeleif - 'but you're always so happy!' - HA.

 

Thank you Lily, that was so moving. I hope you're feeling better right now?

[Mark92]

Depression and I have had the most of unwelcoming of experiences, of which I wish to forget. With that said, today I am depressed and this time I believe it is because I long to be with someone, to love and be loved...badly... either that or I just need to get laid. LOL

 

Thank you for your part in this thread. Finding someone to just listen is a start. But not just to listen but to hear too. And follow that up with a few words of support. To be there if you need to rant and rave. And to have a shoulder to cry on if need be. Thats what this panel will be about people to listen, and care, and help where possible. I still havnt heard about it. I will inform everyone when I do. Thanks again. And there is an ear here if you want one.

[Daddydavek]

Everybody gets depressed. Everyday depression can be overcome. For anyone to assume all depression is transitory and can be overcome without outside intervention, just shows their ignorance.

 

It's quite different when one is suffering from clinical depression. Not all medications turn you into an unfeeling zombie, you need to work with a doctor who takes the time to fully review prior trials of medicines and find one with the correct dosing that works best for you.

 

Even then, sometimes, medication does not provide much relief. Clinical depression can be episodically much worse and can spiral downward out of control. You must keep talking and reaching out to those you trust and get an intervention when that starts to happen.

 

There are other alternatives and some people have had some good results with ECT. That is fairly extreme sounding but is a real alternative when all else seems hopeless.

 

Keep using your head, trust and inform your friends, and do not just rely on your feelings.

 

And, good luck and God Bless!

[Mark92]

Thank you Daddydavek, Most of us have our own devices for overcoming depression. Or even just lessen it a little.

A while ago my doc brought a psychiatrist out to see me. He had an expensive car and expensive suit and talked to me like I was something he stood in. He didnt even try to understand what was behind my depression. And even said I should be put into care.

I hav'nt had any deep dark depressive thoughts for a while now. Instead much smaller panic attacks.

[Daddydavek]

Sounds like your contact with the shrink was less than ideal. Suits in it for the money should be avoided. Finding a good doc is a whole 'nother process....and I am completely unfamiliar with the process of obtaining care in your part of the globe.

[Mark92]

My doc was there about 10 minutes after I was born. at home. Mums friend was the midwife. So my doc is in his seventies now. And out here in the sticks there isnt a choice for docs. You get what there is

[Daisy]

Hey, a very good topic! Thanks for starting it. I'll chip in about my experiences with depression - and my family history of it. Out now for new year but when I am sober and not hungover I will give it some thought.

It's been a Rough ride in my family - lots of different causes - but things are on the up .

 

celia

[ashessnow]

I had a shrink. A few actually. From when I was 12 to about 16. It didn't do much for me. Tried some different medication, but it just made me hazy, which wasn't helpful. Plus, I found the whole process to be shallow and manipulative. It just wasnt for me.

[Mark92]

Different things seem to suit different people, meds or a shrink, or writing.

But talking about it too is so good. Especially like this where you dont have to look into another face, to say what you feel.

Its a bad day today for me, I dont know why, just mums voice in my head, for some unknown reason. I'm trying to stay focussed on other things but it's really hard sometimes. The names she used to call me are screaming in my head.

And I keep crying. Not actually sobbing, just tears running down my face and dripping off my chin. But I will bounce back I just dont know when.

[ashessnow]

Writing helps most for me. Followed by talking it out. There are other, far more destructive habits that I have been slowly trying to rid myself of that help. Or, more accurately dont help, but actually make things worse, but Ive been trying to write and talk more. Maybe I should try a therapist again, I dunno. I used to say that the worst thing in the world is to be alone with my thoughts. I still do, actually.

 

The thing is, Ive now been alive for 22 years. I can say there have been moments in my life which caused major issues for me. Lots of pretty terrible things. But Ive always been this way. I was never the happy and carefree person, ever. Certain things have happened to me which, again, may have furthered this, but it was never far off.

 

So then I think, whats the point, ya know? I already know what Ive gone through and how it did what to me, but that changes nothing.

 

Its 20 minutes past 6 am and I should probably try sleeping for a while.

 

 

EDIT: Also. There is a crazy man outside screaming at the top of his lungs. He hasnt been around for a few months, but he just keeps coming back here. He remins me of God from the show Nurse Jackie.

 

[Mark92]

The only thing I've used as a way of relief, is a harness. It was made by my mum out of various sized straps. It was a form of punishment against sinful thoughts and actions. I dont think I have to spell it out what it actually was to stop me from doing.

When she was gone it became a tool of self-harm. It edged out the bad side of my mind. It was a different sort of pain. It did sometimes cause physical injury. But that was a result I could see at least. I hav'nt used it for months now. And thats thanks to having someone to focus on. A goal for me to achieve. And I'm doing my damnest to reach it

[Daisy]

Ok, not really sure where to start .... so this may come out a bit random.

 

At the moment the popular theory with my aunts and what not is that my mum has a form of Bi-Polar - so not depression on it's own but part of something else. Bipolar 2 - not Bi-Polar 1 which is the one recognized in popular culture. Read up basics on it here. The old name for the 1 is manic depression - the 2nd type does not include full-blown mania but a diluted version of it. Or other theories, it's a name for a type of genius .

 

Anyway over the last 5 years my mum has taken my family to hell and back or that's what's it's felt like. There is no short story - this has been happening over my mums entire life just not recognised - she has had a mad life - she has this kind of thing for attracting trouble or diving into it without realising. And the consequences ripple out all around her - sorry not a ripple - the last 5 years were like an explosion.

 

Things were building up for a bit - but it culminated in her going into full blown clinical acute depression. I don't know whether it would be classed as being catatonic - but that is what came to mind when I had to describe it. This was at the end of 2007 - and on the 27th December I took her to be an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital. As she went 'voluntarily' she was not officially sectioned under the mental health act - if she had tried to leave she would have been. Instead she went the other way really and became too institutionalised - she had a fear of leaving the place. That period lasted for at least 5 months and since then she has been back for long periods but never as long as that. Throughout (before, during and after) she was suicidal - more so at points and tried several attempts.

 

The only thing that got her to respond was ECT. Medication, counselling - the hospital - none of it was working. None of it could work until she 'woke up'. ECT is the thing that was used in the film - one flew over the cuckoo's nest. I've never watched it and for several years I simply couldn't have done. ECT is electrocution to the brain. They don't know why it works, just that it does - for certain people, more the ones where there is a chemical issue. The NHS ration it because it is expensive. Now my mum was awake but still with all her issues and just as deranged really.

 

We've traveled a long way since that point - but getting my mum there and enduring the year before that really wore me out. I was in my final year of uni, my mum was divorced and I was the eldest daughter. I took that as I should be responsible - and it was compounded because my mum hadn't told many people her issues - as she wouldn't even acknowledge them. Getting to the point of her major depression she had managed to fuck things up financially and all sorts so that was big issue. And my brother was still at home - he was 15 and looking after the flat and dog alone. Because I had to tell the uni some of what was going on I ended up being pressured to go to the uni counsellor - which did help a lot - he wrote once that I had extreme anxiety. I wrote a lot too - like others have said, it helped me a lot . I needed it.

 

The other thing in all this - my mum is/was a doctor - and throughout her life she was self-subscribing .

 

More stuff has happened - but I'm written out now . The path to where things are more manageable I will come back to at some point .

 

But yeah, that is some of what's been my life .

 

Celia

 

---Edit to add:

A quick update for those that have not heard of ECT. I hadn't until my mum was given it - and I was really worried at the time. I'd thought it must be relegated to history or fiction. ECT induces people to have a seizure or fit. They do it in a 'controlled' way, though I have no idea how controlled. They did get some things wrong with my mum, I'm pretty sure. It also has a memory loss side effect. Originally I was told that it was short term memory loss. But there are instances with longer - and I've no idea if my mum suffers from it, but she certainly does have a memory problem now - but that could just as easily be related to her other issues.

During and just after the treatment was the worst. She would completely forget things - whole days would be wiped out. There was this instance where she had written down something as a reminder, knowing her memory was bad - and then every morning she would wake up and ring my brother and tell him to do something (this was what she had written down to do) - and he would tell her again that this was the x time she had done this. So yeah, certainly consequences. But still something that I would recommend - at least based on the startling effects it had on my mum originally (but not to be entered into lightly - but then you are in a very stressful situation when this is likely to be proposed).

Edited January 2, 2012 by Celes

[Mark92]

Thank you Celes for adding this to the thread. If we get plenty of ideas together who knows, we may all find something that helps.

It sounds like you, your mum and your brother, have really gone through it. And I hope there is a light at the end of your tunnel. I'm in the UK too but hidden away on the Yorkshire moors. Where abouts are you? Not for any other reason than being nosey lol.

 

With so much first hand experience of that kind of depression. I wonder if you would help, anyone just starting into that? or wanting more info. If we can help just one person, or each other in any way. Then its all worth it. Thanks again for sharing