Depression

[Daisy]

Yeah we've been through it - and it has been very painful. We've also moved on so much since then . And new issues have developed of course.

 

I've just been reading through some of my blog on here - my my - my thinking writing style is awful . But I did post sometimes while some of this was happening.

 

A lot of what I suffered I made 10x harder for myself - that anxiety - I took on far more worry, stress and responsibility than I needed to. It was then followed by depression the following year - though how people categorise and label these is hard. I was just lost for a while and needing time to bounce back.

 

I remember telling a friend who was going through a rough patch herself - I think it was that people shouldn't compare themselves too much or worry about it. She would only say that what was happening to her or what she felt couldn't compare to what was going on in my life - she shouldn't be feeling sorry for herself etc. Her pain is pain to her - and of a very severe type. It feels severe to her. I don't really know how to phrase that properly.

 

------

I've been open with people about what's happened to my family on here as well as in RL. But yeah, if anyone has any questions, then they should feel free to ask.

Talking about it helped me as much as warning people about these issues (or generally exposing people to the world of mental health - too much stigma is around).

 

(Though a warning: I'm not an expert - and even may get details of things wrong - it's a little while since I did research on things like ECT - or I could have been told wrong things).

Edited January 3, 2012 by Celes

[Daisy]

Thank you Celes for adding this to the thread. If we get plenty of ideas together who knows, we may all find something that helps.

It sounds like you, your mum and your brother, have really gone through it. And I hope there is a light at the end of your tunnel. I'm in the UK too but hidden away on the Yorkshire moors. Where abouts are you? Not for any other reason than being nosey lol.

 

With so much first hand experience of that kind of depression. I wonder if you would help, anyone just starting into that? or wanting more info. If we can help just one person, or each other in any way. Then its all worth it. Thanks again for sharing

 

I live near Liverpool at the moment - I'm back to living with my mum - I am a gluten for punishment . I went to uni in Durham and then Leeds though, and for a while I grew up in Cumbria - near the border of Yorkshire in a valley by Kirkby Stephen. I've got a job interview next week, fingers crossed it goes well, and I could be off to London.

 

 

-----

Btw - you are very brave sharing the way you are - exposing yourself to people can be difficult to do. As well as therapeutic .

 

And from what you have written in this thread, what you have gone through is staggering. But far more amazing is how you are dealing with it and the strength you are showing. These things are not trivial - they are hard as fuck to live through and with - you have a great character - and I can already tell that you are going to have a brilliant future ahead.

Edited January 3, 2012 by Celes

[Conner]

 

...

-----

Btw - you are very brave sharing the way you are - exposing yourself to people can be difficult to do. As well as therapeutic .

 

And from what you have written in this thread, what you have gone through is staggering. But far more amazing is how you are dealing with it and the strength you are showing. These things are not trivial - they are hard as fuck to live through and with - you have a great character - and I can already tell that you are going to have a brilliant future ahead.

 

Thank you for saying this, Celes. I've been wanting to say something similar but I kept having this video playing in my head where Marky heads out to his tool shed and grabs his axe.

 

That said, though, there are many members who have contributed a part of themselves to this thread who deserve the same recognition. I thank you all for that.

[Mark92]

Thank you to both of you

Celes you dont need to be an expert on anything, just patience compassion and a listening ear, maybe a shoulder to cry on and a hug as an when needed too.

And to you both Celes and Conner. If I am brave, then so is everyone else who has come forward. And all those that want to come forward and cant.

Its helping me by coming out like this. I'm not cured by a long way. But different experiences bring up different feelings. So I have a long way to go still. for both of you

and Conner you little bugger I'll sharpen my chopper

[Conner]

Here's a little "trick" that I use to help me deal with those repetitive thoughts that some of us have - thoughts that tend to leave us out of sorts.

 

A little background first. Our brains can be trained. A simple example is tying your shoelaces. When we first learned how to tie our shoes, we had to really focus on what we were doing. Soon enough, though, after considerable practice, we "master" this little action - to the point where we can be carrying on a conversation with someone or thinking about what to make for dinner and the shoes get tied without any particular attention. Now this is a deliberate training. Unfortunately our brains sometimes get trained in a way that isn't so deliberate. A good example is anchors. We all have anchors - something that triggers a thought, a feeling, a memory. "Smells" are a good example of anchors. The brain will always respond to the anchor in the same way - good, bad or indifferent. It's been trained to do it. It would be extremely helpful if we all knew what our anchors are; but that is not always the case. But, like anything else, we can get better and better at it.

 

If the brain can be trained, it can be un-trained. Or even better, re-trained in a more deliberate way.

 

Here's a personal example. As a child, I was a bed wetter. It drove my mother to distraction. It also really pissed her off. It got to a point where she started to threaten me that she would put me in a diaper and make me go outside where all could see me. She would say to my older brother, "Jimmy, go get all your friends and bring them over here." I don't think I need to go into the fear and anxiety that that created within me. In that simple instant, my brain "anchored" the sound of my mother's threatening tone to those feelings. I also got into the habit of replaying that whole scenario in my head over and over again - I think I thought I could somehow change the ending, but, of course, that never happened. It always ended the same way.

 

So here's the trick I was taught to help me out here. Whenever the scenario popped into my head, I played it out this way - my mom was dressed in a clown costume, painted face and all; I shrunk her to about 3 feet tall; I would have her jumping around up and down in a rather silly way all the while saying silly stuff. I would run that scene in fast forward - very comical. The scene would end with me throwing a pail of water on her and she'd melt a la Wizard of Oz.

 

Now I had to practice that repeatedly until my brain finally gave in and said, "Ok, I can play it like that." Now I can just get a chuckle over it.

 

So be creative. Start with something that is easier to deal with - not your worst memory...and practice it until your brain surrenders.

[Daisy]

My mum has also gone through many different types of counselling sessions. The mainstream one being CBT - though there are loads of different acrymns for different types of problem solving sessions they've tried or suggested.

 

Time - I think that worked the best for me - with the anxiety bit of it anyway. Well, I'm not sure. My mum though, she has a set pattern that she has been going through for years - and she has been working on resolving why she does behave this way, unpicking things and learning like Connor said to have a different response to things. If she hadn't no doubt we would be in an even bigger crisis right now, or maybe more likely she would be dead. (these cycles were getting more extreme - the last explosion being the one I am referring to). Not that she has got it down perfect yet. Her counsellors are helping alot with that.

 

For a while the psychiatrist had my mum down for a type of PTSD - post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm pretty sure she must be a mix of lots of different facets. When I read what bipolar 2 is though, it fits the most for me. But she can't necessarily see that. Which is also typical. That was one of the main problems when she was in the period before she was hospitalised for the 1st time (and others too - she cycles) - she just did not see how things affected others or why say giving away £100,000 in a space of less than a month was worrying behaviour (even if she did know it was a problem as it well, put us beyond bankruptcy - she took out a mortgage). - this would be to people she had often hardly met. Then of course money issues would just make depression far worse. (don't worry it miraculously worked itself all out eventually - and with the help of some amazing people. advocates to help with issues are invaulable for anyone but definitely for people with mental health issues or distress).

 

 

It's funny - on the hypomania list on wikipedia or Mind it says some parts are simular to ADHD - and for a while after reading up on it I was absolutely convinced she had that (and that I may too) - I'd bought more than several books.

 

One of the more difficult things with dealing with my mum was - and still can be - the lying. She will do what she wants when she wants it. She gets an idea or project into her head and it must be done - and ultra fast and with her methods - and it doesn't matter what you say or the situation. In the hysterical stage she would literally disappear for days. With a dangerous idiot - who I eventually started proceedings of an injunction against. She just can't see the danger or does and does it anyway - and that breakneck speed.

 

Pain - that is another cause for my mum though. She has knackered her body over the decades and that causes her chronic pain now - which triggers depression. Doing things is my mums life - and with pain she is very much limited - etc. Learning to adapt and retire has been really hard for her.

 

 

(I'm sorry about my rambling posts - I've not written or thought about this for awhile and I don't know where to shape the story. or what point I am trying to say)

Edited January 4, 2012 by Celes

[Mark92]

Hey Celes please dont stop the rambling posts I hope it helps? so please carry on. I could ramble for weeks on end.

I've never really thought about putting a name to mine. Is it just one thing or a complex mixture? I really dont know.

Forced isolation, no school, no friends. And beaten to a pulp most days. The rest a tyrade of verbal abuse. The one thing I always wanted from my mum was a hug. Even as a small boy I never got one. She would slap me away and tell me I was being sinful and disgusting. I was an ugly white slug. I would never ever find anyone to like or love me. Because I was a sin.

Well Yarboo Sucks mum, I have found love so there

But seriously putting a name to that? I wouldnt know where to start.

[Daisy]

I don't think it matters, it just in the modern science of it they want to, as they want to label everything. working out what she 'had' was also working out the best way forward for treating her or making her life worth living.

 

I was angry with them for a long time as they didn't seem to know what they were doing, and I felt were messing up.

 

Then eventually I took a step back from it .

Edited January 4, 2012 by Celes

[Mark92]

That is so true, we live with labels. Just being gay is a label too. But I dont mind that one. I dont like the word fag though. I think thats really derogatory. (hope thats spelt right

I've recently been told that mine might be PTSD, does that cover a lifetime of abuse? I dont know.

When I joined here I was a basket case. So scared, nervous, and shy. I used to feel physically sick with nerves, just signing in and saying hello.

Everyone has been so wonderful to me, and I will never be able to thank them properly. I try in my way to give something back.

There are a couple of exceptions but I wont let them win.

GA is my extended family, and most families have a wrong one or two.

[Daisy]

I hope you are not insinuating you are the wrong one or two . You're brilliant .

 

I was nervous joining here and saying hello too. Maybe not physically sick - but I've had that experience with other things. You've covered one big step then .

 

PTSD - again not something I've researched for a long while. I'm sure it can cover anything - I think it is more about the what the experience does to you, the lasting impact. Anxiety, stress - but brought out in a severe way such as by triggers or nightmares. It might be worth looking into - just for what they sort of ways they've come up with (i'm not talking meds) to combat it, there might be something useful. or not.

[hh5]

I can relate to the lifetime of abuse ... the thing is in my family these little abuses or big ones never go away in them

it becomes part of their character ... much like being scared, nervous, and shy is part of our character.

 

Yeah, I think I have PTSD too ... my mama at times can be a bit of a bully or give hard love.

 

Do you have physical close friends near by?

 

It's hard over here .... just being jobless compounds the issue.

 

Its human that we label, we, discriminate, we, do thing that is inhuman

ex: China - we all look alike ... but to the discerning eye, we're different

because if we are not of the same village ... there exists labels and discrimination

even within the same village because there exist the small town complex

Yes ... they discriminate people of the north or south or east or west

the food etc

 

This is much like anywhere else in the world ... like america ... where everyone is of a different race and from a different location.

 

In America we take note that there is discrimination for the long-term unemployed

in Asia ... its actually spelled out in the job ads ... must be a certain age range, health, weight

retirement age is 55.

 

The issue is that the company doesn't wish to accept the higher cost of healthcare.

 

You begin to wonder how do retire people survive in Asian countries ... they depend on their children to support them ...

( there is family unity we don't cultivate here but surely soon what we have here will happen in their country as they

get exposed to a better lifestyle and lose parts of their own culture in trade to become a modern one )

 

Here, the children don't support their family or parents much ... they just fly the coup and go out to discover their own life.

 

That is so true, we live with labels. Just being gay is a label too. But I dont mind that one. I dont like the word fag though. I think thats really derogatory. (hope thats spelt right

I've recently been told that mine might be PTSD, does that cover a lifetime of abuse? I dont know.

When I joined here I was a basket case. So scared, nervous, and shy. I used to feel physically sick with nerves, just signing in and saying hello.

Everyone has been so wonderful to me, and I will never be able to thank them properly. I try in my way to give something back.

There are a couple of exceptions but I wont let them win.

GA is my extended family, and most families have a wrong one or two.

 

[Mark92]

To Celes I am going to research into it more. I thought it was for a one off traumatic event, I never thought it could be for long term trauma. So yes I will look into it.

 

 

Thank you hh5 (sorry I dont know your name)

I'm only 19 but the way I was brought up, I appreciate things more than others. I have virtually run this place alone since I was 12. And I'm successful at it. I do have real friends now, as in work-hands and their families. They are not close friends though.

Everyone has a different story to tell, how and why, they behave like they do.

Everything I have, I have worked for. I dont have a problem with that side of my life. Its the personal me, I have all the hassle with.

[Zolia Lily]

Thank you Lily, that was so moving. I hope you're feeling better right now?

 

Usually i'm pretty good. I sometimes have a day or two where i feel low and then suddenly i'll get sick. Makes me wonder if it's my health suffering which causes a low day, or if my immune system suffers when i'm down. A day or two i can normally work through.

 

THe last week i've been feeling lower than i have in a long, long, long time. It's taken me completely by surprise and i spent NYE and my birthday and the time since basically being a zombie and trying not to bawl. Once that mask is off....... i can't hide it like i used to be able to.

Going back to work has helped a bit. I find routine and structure help me, and i need to catch up on some sleep, so maybe that will help. And i'm seeing some close friends over the weekend, so that will keep me going too. Maybe it's the time of year. Isn't January 3rd supposed to be the worst day of the year??

 

It's a pain, but I'll come through. Hope you're feeling better too, Mark.

[Johnathan Colourfield]

Been reading over the thread and I'd just like to say that each of you are wonderful people with hearts of gold.

 

I hope you can all beat the dragon we call depression. I have had my moments of depression (mainly whilst i'm at home or if something happens at university with friends thats the one i find hard to deal with).

 

My thoughts are with you all always

[Bumblebee]

apparantly i have to at least try being nice to everyone... did it today, and now all i feel is pissed off because being nice made me annoyed but because i was being nice i couldnt be annoyed so i got kinda depressed because now when im myself again tomorrow everyones gonna think im just being mean on purpose.

 

and my doctor has told me that hating and wanting to kill everyone i may or may not know means im depressed, but hating everyone makes me happy so dunno what my doctors trippin on.

[Mark92]

Hey Lily, I'm up and down but presently up this morning I was down so hey ho.

 

Thank you John, Kind words of support are always welcome

 

Hey Bee Sorry i've been so absent lately, just a lot of probs of my own. No excuse I know, but I'm trying.

[Bumblebee]

Hey Bee Sorry i've been so absent lately, just a lot of probs of my own. No excuse I know, but I'm trying.

 

*gets squashed by hugs*

then send me a freakin email

[Mark92]

Email sent as requested Madam Bee

Why not have a blather here about how your day went Bee?

[Bumblebee]

You're funny.. and no

[hh5]

Its Harold, at least you have a BF with you and that's better than being alone.

Perhaps to add friends is to go out like taking up an activity.

But then perhaps that is hard because of how hard u work

and perhaps the nature of the town isn't too gay friendly??

 

 

Thank you hh5 (sorry I dont know your name)

I'm only 19 but the way I was brought up, I appreciate things more than others. I have virtually run this place alone since I was 12. And I'm successful at it. I do have real friends now, as in work-hands and their families. They are not close friends though.

Everyone has a different story to tell, how and why, they behave like they do.

Everything I have, I have worked for. I dont have a problem with that side of my life. Its the personal me, I have all the hassle with.

 

[Mark92]

Nice to meet you Harold

I'm with my BF via skype at the moment. I hav'nt left my place for over a year. It's remote, isolated and with no neighbours I can see. The Yorkshire moors are vast. and Fylingdales moor where I live is no exception.

Besides my two farm hands and their families. One now lives with me. There is the postman. I'm on first name terms with him. An old farmer that lives at the other end of the track, about 3 miles away from my actual farm.He has been my only father figure growing up.

I have never been away from here alone. I dont know if thats part of the issue of the gate or not.

Because I never went to school, I dont have any friends, and there is no other family members.

All my friends I have online, are here in GA or on FB.

[Roan]

Thanks so much for this thread Mark et al. I am still working my way through depression and all the underlying reasons for it. Your example of persistence love and courage helps me more than you can realise, just knowing Im not alone, and that facing it head on rather than trying to just function is possible.

 

Roan

[Zolia Lily]

I think admitting to it and being able to face it takes a lot of courage - the aloneness is one of the most difficult things and being able to talk about it makes you realise there's really no such thing; we're here for each other!

(I hope this post doesnt' sound weird. It's 1.30 am and i am soooo full of adrenaline right now... and kind of tired too.... Getting followed home = NOT COOL!)

[Mark92]

Thank you Roan. I think we have covered what helps us and the how's why's and wherefore's

I'm not cured, not by a long way. But it gets better.

My newest thing to try. Is to stop focussing on the main problem and shift it slightly. As in: I cant go through the gate yet. But I can get used to being there, Opening and closing it. There is no pressure there. No pressure that says "you will try to go through it."

Also things like having a farmhand move in with me. So I am not entirely alone.

Baz (the farmhand) volunteered when I was really ill. And with cut backs and everything, he found himself without a job and he lived with his mum. And she couldnt afford to keep him for nothing. So long story short he works for board and lodging and some pocket money and his National Insurance Contribution. But he's a new friend. I have to learn to trust.

As I keep saying Onwards and Upwards.

[Mark92]

How could a post from you ever sound weird Lily

That must have been so scary for you. So glad you're OK

My distraction right now is the workload. I have too many pigs, but I know not to do it again.

I dont need the income from them its just something I enjoy doing. But 30 pigs is just too much.

You could always try star jumps Lily LOL mind you at 1:30am your neighbours might complain.