*Sneak Peek* Is this idea worth pursuing, your thoughts.

[Ron]

Does this first chapter have merit? Should I scrap it?

 

 

Born of Addiction (Working title)

Chapter One.

Randall Davis hadn’t planned on being in the hospital today. What he had planned on was a nice leisurely early morning walk along the Charles River on the Esplanade. Just as he pulled closed the front door to his town house, his cell phone rang. Answering it had brought him to the room of his good friend who, riding his bike to work, had been doored by a negligent tourist eager to explore the city. The reason for his being hospitalized was forgetfulness on his friend’s part; James had forgotten to wear his helmet, again.

 

“I’m sorry you got dragged in here for this, Randy,” said James. Despite having part of his head shaved and what looked like a couple of stiches in that spot, he didn’t appear too damaged. Sure, there were some scrapes and what looked like a bruise forming on his shoulder but that seemed to be the extent of it.

 

“You don’t look too awful, although the hair is going to take a while to come back,” replied Randy. “Did you need to be taken home?” Randy didn’t quite understand why the hospital had called him, although he certainly didn’t mind if James had requested it. “Is that why the hospital called?” Randy asked.

 

“No, they called because I was knocked out and you’re on a little slip of paper in my wallet as my person to call if something happens to me.” James looked a bit sheepish. “That’s why I apologized for your being dragged in. I know I never asked and we certainly never discussed it,” James went on in a rush of words, “but I don’t have anyone else to use for this sort of thing, and-and I have a concussion. It seems I hit the pavement pretty hard when I came down on my head. The stitches are from hitting the car door before I flew into the air.” James sighed, and then he turned around so Randy could see the back of his head. While the hair was still there, there also was a knot the size of a golf ball just at the crown.

 

“Oh my God, you really did take a hit,” exclaimed Randy. James turned back to face him and Randy said, “Of course the hospital should have called, you needn’t worry about that.” He understood perfectly, James didn’t have a partner, long term or otherwise just as he didn’t. James also didn’t have any family in the area, just a loose tangle of friends other than Randy. They two were about the same age but James, who at forty-seven was two years older. Although they hugged often and kissed each other affectionately, they had never had a romantic entanglement. What they did have was a close relationship and perhaps that was because of a lack of any sexual aspect to it. Randy didn’t have a very good track record at keeping friendships ongoing with ex-lovers. “We can talk later about any liberties that you felt you took, James. The more important point right now is your health. You’re in a room, I just realized. That doesn’t seem to mean they are letting you go home, is that right?” Randy asked.

 

“I’m being kept for observation overnight,” James replied. “X-rays were taken and though there are no cracks in this forgetful old head of mine. Young, Dr. Gorgeous” James lifted his eyes up and rolled his head around as if to be dreamy “doesn’t want me gallivanting home too soon.” James sighed again. “I really am getting too old, Randy. I’m alone and not as fit as I used to be. Guys my age aren’t attracted to guys my age anymore. They want younger ‘bois’ or ‘twinks’,” he used finger air quotation marks, “not a sophisticated man such as myself.” He laughed derisively. “Before you know it, I really will be old. Alone and old, what am I going to do? I don’t want someone young for a partner.” After a short pause which allowed both men to silently think about what James had said, someone knocked on the door surprising them out of their thoughts and a nurse walked in.

 

“Mr. Peterson, you should be resting. We don’t want you sleeping but we do want you to rest and right now you look upset.” She turned to Randy with a look when she said upset, causing him to involuntarily flinch. Turning back to, James she said, “You took a nasty spill, I’m going to have to ask your guest to come back tomorrow.” Randy got another look. Clearly she wasn’t pleased and thought that he must be the cause of James’ demeanor. Randy almost gave her a look too but decided it probably wasn’t worth the trouble.

 

“You should get some rest, James. I’ll be back tomorrow morning to check on you and get you home if they’ll release you. Put those thoughts you’re having on the back burner for the time being and let’s have this conversation when you get home,” Randy said. “We can share a good bottle of wine and cry on one another’s shoulder.”

 

“Sounds like a plan, my friend,” James replied. “Thank you for coming and for being my good friend. I don’t know what I’d do sometimes without you.” Randy smiled at James and nodded his head feeling much the same and with good reason. He gave a small wave good bye and left the room.

 

Randy roamed aimlessly around the hospital lost in his head, only once stopping at a coffee machine for what turned out to be, a surprisingly good cup of brew. The plan for him today had been the stroll along the Charles, then into the Public Garden for tourist watching and a nice slow lunch at one of the restaurants fronting the garden along Boylston Street. Now, after his visit, he had been thinking about what James had said about being alone. It was something that was nearly constantly on his mind of late. After fifteen years of being in a relationship, two years ago he had suddenly found himself very much alone and very nearly penniless.

 

~~~~~

 

His David had brought home a very good salary, but he worked an awful lot and was gone often on business. While Randy had only a part time job for most of their relationship, he also took care of all of the domestic duties of the home and ran all the errands. His health insurance came from David’s job and that had been a good thing to have when he found himself sick four and half years into the relationship. After catching a cold he couldn’t seem to get rid of and a case of shingles on top of it, he had gone to the see his PCP. Randy’s Dr. asked him if there was a possibility that he could have contracted the HIV virus.

 

Like many young men finally free of the sterility of family restrictions and small towns, he enjoyed the exploration of his youth and his sexuality. Randy had played fast and free in his early twenties, as David had throughout his. Thinking he was invincible at times, there had been lots of drinking and the occasional drug use which had led to some sketchy decision making during that period. He was twenty-eight years old when he met the then thirty-three year old David who worked at an ad agency in Indianapolis and they had moved to Boston shortly after that to further Davis’s career.

 

When the results came back, it was discovered that Randy was HIV positive and because his t-cells were dangerously low, the Dr. started him on a drug regimen designed to arrest the infection. Randy hadn’t messed around on David during the relationship but even so they had foolishly not used condoms. Luckily for David his test came back negative. Other than his refusal to fuck Randy even with a condom, which Randy initially took hard but because he loved David finally accepted for the sake of the relationship, David treated him little differently.

 

Ten, sometimes rocky, years later David told Randy that he’d found someone else on one of his many working trips to Atlanta. Turned out ‘someone else’ was only twenty-four, which was half David’s age at the time. After much prodding by Randy, David told him that the younger man was HIV negative and they had been having an affair for two years already. When David left him for Atlanta, he promised to pay out the rest of the condo lease and he had honored that promise. Randy had been emotionally devastated by the break-up and though he put on a good front with his friends and at work, if given a moment alone it was all he could do to keep himself from sobbing.

 

 

Four months later with the lease about to run out and still no full time work, Randy began to despair and that’s when he met James in a Starbucks after having to share a table because every other seat was full. James started talking to him like they were old friends chancing upon each other and catching up. Randy liked James immediately and they exchanged information and very quickly became friends afterwards. It came as no surprise to Randy when his lease finally ran out and he couldn’t afford to stay in his home that James asked him to come stay with him. The second bedroom was offered and Randy accepted, it was that or he admit defeat and move back to Indiana to live with his mother and father. He loved them but he didn’t want to leave Boston. James had offered a life line to him for which he would be forever grateful.

 

It was nearly six months later while walking past a small bodega in the South End that Randy stopped in for diet ginger ale and ended up spending six bucks on the lottery because it was getting up there. It wasn’t his first time buying a ticket because like many others he had the passing fancy that maybe really might come true. This was one of those times when maybe really did. The jackpot was quite large and although Randy ended up sharing the jackpot with a group of mechanics in New York and another group in a Salon in California, he ended up doing rather well. He managed to avoid too much recognition by getting advice from an acquaintance of James’ by use of the hypothetical, what if? and then using the advice.

 

~~~~~

 

Randy continued randomly roaming the halls of the hospital deep in thought. As an answer to his own loneliness and because he knew he had a deep seated urge to nurture, he had for that last few months been thinking of adoption. He was researching an agency that might help him adopt a boy or girl of around five years old, or close to that age, because he felt that he had something to offer a child and he might be better with a child around that age. Being involved in his thoughts so deeply, Randy ran into a cart set against the side wall of the hall he was in. Now that he was jogged outside of his head he noticed it was an empty hall, which was entirely unusual even in a hospital of this size. Randy walked to the next crossway and to his right was a small group of three people following what he assumed was an intern through a set of automatic doors. A little embarrassed at being lost and not wanting to confess the fact and ask for directions, he hurried down the corridor and walked right through the doors just behind the group.

 

It didn’t take long for Randy to realize he was on the maternity floor but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out how he got on the level. He thought to himself that he really shouldn’t be there and that surely he would be in trouble if he were caught. He had turned another corner looking for a way out when he glanced to his right and found himself looking into the maternity ward and he stopped.

 

There must have been a couple of dozen babies in there that day, each crib sporting a pink or blue blanket. There were also two nurses wearing masks and another women also wearing a mask but dressed nicely in business attire. It was she standing next to one of the cribs and the child in it which drew Randy’s focus. The child was wrapped in blue and from the looks of it, pumping his little arms like a bellows crying his heart out and screaming angrily at the world. The women noticed him, glanced his way and then back down at a clip board she was holding. He could see her writing something on it. Shortly after that, she appeared to speak to one of the nurses and then she walked to a side door which opened automatically outward. Just before exiting the room, she pulled off her mask and dropped it into a bin and then walked out. Randy looked back at the boy in the crib and watched him.

Not too much later, he could see the reflection of the well-dressed woman join him in the glass of the nursery. Randy turned his head and smiled to her and she returned the smile politely. He turned back to watch the boy and after a slight pause asked, “Does the boy have a name?”

 

She didn’t pause at all to ask to who Randy was referring. “No, he doesn’t yet have a name,” she replied. Still watching the child, Randy commented that he seemed angry at the world. She said, “He probably is. He’s a child born of addiction. His mother doesn’t want him and she has no idea who the father is.”

 

“Oh, how awful,” exclaimed Randy, looking suddenly at the women.

 

“Yes, it is.” She agreed and stuck out her hand in greeting. “I’m, Janet Forrester,” she said, introducing herself.

 

“Randal Davis, please call me Randy, Ms. Forrester,” Randy said as he reached out to shake her hand.

 

“Thank you, Randy.” Ms. Forrester replied, “Please call me Janet if you will.” Randy nodded politely with a smile as reply. “Which child is yours, Randy?” asked Janet.

 

Randy could feel is face get warm and thought he must be blushing with the embarrassment but he answered her, “None of them, I’m afraid. You see, I got lost and found myself on the maternity floor.” Randy tried to look as contrite as he actually was, considering the circumstances.

 

“But that’s impossible, Mr. Davis. There’s security, you’re not supposed to be here.” She looked at him like he might be contagious for a brief moment. “I have to get security,” Ms. Forrester said excitedly.

 

“Please, Janet?” Randy asked continuing the use of her first name. He wanted to navigate her back to familiarity rather than the formality that she was retreating towards. He closed his eyes for a second and when he looked at her again he asked, “Please, let me explain how it is that you've come to find me here in front of the maternity ward?” Janet studied him quietly, carefully noting that Randy gave the impression of someone rather composed for person who might possibly be up to no good considering he still had the remains of a blush in his face. She decided that perhaps it would be good to hear whatever explanation he had to offer. If nothing else it might make hospital security aware of a flaw in the system used to protect the children. She gave a quick stiff nod of her head as permission for Randy to proceed.

 

After hearing Randy’s explanation of the events leading up to him landing in front of the nursery, Janet’s face softened and she said, “I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s injury. You shouldn't be on this floor let alone near the ward. Your explanation is a stretch, but I can almost see how that might have happened.” Looking at Randy and on gut feeling and hoping she was making the right decision, what she next said was, “We need to get you off the floor Randy before I tell the security staff of how you ended up here. That way, you won’t be getting you into trouble.”

 

Randy smiled and said, “Thank you, Janet. You’re very kind to do that for me.” He turned his head back to the glass and the little boy still crying behind it. “What about the boy?”

 

“What about him do you want to know?” asked Janet.

 

“What are my chances of adopting him?” Randy inquired, still focusing his gaze on the boy. He knew the boy and his circumstances had already pierced his heart.

 

“He’s going to need a lot of care and…” Janet said leaving open ended as to what more might be needed. As the State’s Child Welfare Advocate with the hospital, this wasn't her first case of dealing with a child suffering from a parent’s negligence. She knew it was perhaps wrong to think of it that way. Addiction wasn't really something a person had control of. But as a woman and someone who had dealt with cases like this before, it was hard for her to maintain her neutrality at times.

 

“He needs someone!” Randy stated turning back to Janet. He realized that he was becoming emotional and it was beginning to show in his voice.

 

“Yes. Yes, he does,” replied Janet softly. She too could hear the emotional background in the man’s voice. She cautiously asked, “Why do you think that that someone could be you, Mr. Davis?”

 

Even through his emotions, Randy noticed that Janet had used the honorific and his last name again. A return to formality for her once more, but he couldn't do so. “I have the means to take care of him, Janet and I have the t-time to give him,” he stuttered and then with more strength in his voice, “I can love him!” This, this boy was what he was waiting for, this boy who had clenched his heart with his flailing hands and anguished cries, telling Randy that he needed him.

 

Surprised at the conviction she heard in those last four words, Janet studied the man quietly for a few moments to allow her to gather her thoughts. She wondered what was going on in his thoughts as well. While the idea of Mr. Davis adopting as a single man was ultimately possible, the likelihood of it happening with this child was less so. Janet’s mind started quickly running through all the obstacles involved in the process and the reasons why that he shouldn't consider adopting with this child. She looked back toward the window and at the boy beyond it, delaying for more time to think of a careful response to the man. When she turned again to look at him, he confronted her with a warm set of moist eyes that appeared to be pleading with her. His entire posture spoke of that same pleading, his torso was leaning slightly toward her and his hands were raised at his waist palms up and open. He shocked her with the intensity of his body’s physical expression and before she could compose herself, he spoke.

 

“Please.” Randy’s voice trembled. “Help me to give him a good home.” And then he almost whispered, “With me.” Randy turned back to look at the infant, who was still crying so hard his face was nearly beet red.

 

Janet hadn’t realized that she had formed any concrete conclusions, nor that she should have yet, and so she was startled when she heard herself say, “I’ll try.”

 

Randy turned back to her his eyes now full of fire and any moisture evaporated. “Good! We need to get started on this right away, Janet.”

 

-----------------

 

What do you folks think about this?

 

 

Edited: personal comments and references to later story chapter details have been removed.

Edited September 29, 2013 by Ron

[Ron]

Please don't worry over the formatting changes unless I should be. I have no idea why it changed when moving it over from Word. 

[Cia]

If you edit in different Word programs, like on different devices, sometimes it can screw up the formatting when the text pastes here. Okay, so a few things... the plot could be good, if you work hard to make the characters come to life. Use the relation of the setting to their emotions, contrast the bustle of the hospital wards to Randy's listless loneliness for example, to emphasize his mood. He's a likable character, with flaws and troubles, but it's not overly dramatic. He's sad but sort of neutral, which makes his passion a bit jarring in the maternity ward scene. I couldn't really tell from his thoughts in that scene how he'd suddenly had that need and why it became so pivotal to him so quickly.

 

You do a lot of telling, which is somewhat necessary, though I try to show what happens as much as possible in a story than tell the reader through narration. I'd almost call this a prologue, though it is long, since so much of the character's life and plans are narrated and condensed into one lump. It doesn't give us much sense of where the story will go, and how the emotional journey of the baby will proceed. You'll need to be really careful to bring him to life as a character and avoid the telling in the 'present' day part of the plot from here on out. Keep it believable, but teens are often dramatic and prone to high peaks and low valleys, especially when they live with a difficult situation.

 

My other concern about the writing style itself is that you do a couple of head hops with the social worker during the maternity ward scene. We see Randy through her eyes and with her perceptions of him. That's fine if you intend to use omniscient POV, but keep in mind that the POV method you use needs to be consistent, whatever you decide.

[thebrinkoftime]

There are a lot of good things you already have here. The way Randy runs into his potential adoption feels smooth and natural. The local details of where he lives give us a nice sense of place. The difference between Randy and James' personality is obvious without being insultingly obvious. Once you keep reading, Randy is easy to root for -- for a variety of reasons. The chapter ends on an enticing note.

 

But, hmmm. The synopsis is kind of confusing. I imagine the father who dies five years in is Randy and not the biological father? And the honorary Uncle is James or a third character? I would think so, since the adoption is done by somebody with HIV, even though it seems we have a much handle AIDS these days. The reason I ask is because the title of your piece if Born of Addiction and I hardly think you'd name it that if the boy's link with is with a father who doesn't seem to have any.

 

A couple of things jumped out to me:

 

1) Like Cia, I wonder if you've quite got a handle yet on the narration. The start reminds me of omniscient narration, but as the story goes in, it feels more like it is in limited narration mode. I think you ought to consider that when you have a narrator and not a limited narrator, the narrator themself tends to become one of the characters, so to speak. That means you have to define them and their role in the story so you can keep a tab on what the narrator would or would not narrate. If they are omniscient, that means they must be limiting their omniscience to something, so why would they be doing that?

 

Unless this is really ambitious and you plan on flipping between different styles of narration, which certainly isn't forbidden, but is approximately a billion times harder to get right.

 

2) Unlike Cia, I think I see exactly why Randy gets so upset near the end of this chapter. You've built up to it quite nicely, first with James' talk about not wanting to be alone, then having Randy wander aimlessly in the hospital while he recollects about how his own life has led to loneliness, then introducing the idea that Randy was considering adopting and finally by having Randy project his own possible anger issues and emotions on the little baby whose gestures suggest that to him. So if that is what you were going for, I found myself to be more or less perfectly aligned to it.

 

3) It could do with more active, vivid sentences, couldn't it? So he has a circle of friends, but how does he have this circle of friends? Do they meet at a restaurant periodically, or go to Dooby Brothers concerts together? So he likes to walk, and you've answered where he likes to walk, but how does he like to walk? What is his walking doing for him and how does it make him feel? So he's kind of aimlessly walking through the hospital? How is it aimless? If you notice carefully, no two people are the same in the ways they think and the way their thoughts show up when they are thinking, so how does he display his innate Randy in the hosptial wanderings? And so on and so forth. Right now, it's pleasant milquetoast, which is fine, I suppose, but not very arresting.

 

4) So is most of the story going to revolve around a teenager? If so, you kind of have a dangerous first chapter here. Young people like me might read it and get turned off, thinking it's one of those potentially dull stories about older adults or middle-aged people that are so reasonable and down-to-earth that the story lacks a fire to it. Older readers might be intrigued by the possibility of reading about older gay men and the plights they encounter, but then have the rug pulled out from under them into a young adult fiction narrative. One fresh way of solving this potential problem is by choosing to do limited point-of-view narrative by an older character, even though the plot may be centered around a younger character, or to make your omniscient narrator a "character" in the sense that they are narrating it, but not part of the narration (or indeed really exist at all) and narrate from that older point of view or perspective.

 

I'm not trying to be all, "You old people!" or anything. Not at all. It's just, you gotta remember, there is sometimes (sometimes!) a 20 or 30 year wall for younger readers that they have to climb over in order to understand narratives from an older person's point of view. I can't even imagine what it is like to be in a relationship with someone for 15 or so years. That's way beyond anything I've ever experienced. So when you want to cast a wide net and attract readers of a variety of ages, I think it's best to start with character traits and mannerisms that endear the reader to the character and then fill in the actual how, what and why they became that way. I couldn't say whether this works the other way around -- whether older readers like this approach when they read about younger characters, but I know it does for me. If you say that Randy for instance, bites his finger when he's nervous, or could really go for a spot of lasagna right now, or he gets shifty-eyed when he starts to think, I just start connecting to him on a human level, before I start thinking, "Wow, this guy is old! And has been in relationships! And has been through a lot! I have no idea what it's like to be him!"

 

I realize that Randy may not ever appear again in the narrative alive, but it doesn't change the fact that Randy is our door into the narrative, much like the wardrobe is the door into Narnia.

 

If you're worried that you can't continue this, write more, get ahead quite a few chapters and then start to post the story, so you're always well ahead of your readers and won't disappoint them. You've already gotten a lot of positive feedback on your first two stories, if you try hard, you're sure to get more and that will be a nice fuel to keep you going, I think.

 

So that goes out to you too, the person who is reading this right now. If you like Ron's stories or his idea, and you want more, tell him. If he does start posting chapters and you want to find out what happens next, tell him. If he stops and you're disappointed because he didn't continue and you didn't stop (as well as register if you haven't already) and simply hit the "Like" button or write something that takes less than a minute like "Cool story, I hope I get to read what happens next," if you didn't do that, well then, you don't have anything to solid to stand on for your disappointment, do you?

[Former Member]

I think it definitely has merit.  But I agree with Brink: write more before you start posting.  Make sure you have solid ground for an entire story so you don't fizzle out.  I would even go so far as to say finish it before you start writing.  Even if you get ahead, it's still so easy to back yourself into a corner midway through, only to realize that, because you've started posting, you can't go back and fix it.

 

Get in touch with an editor and beta who is willing to research this as well.  Getting a beta with even the smallest background of some of the things you're dealing with will be monumentally helpful.  They can work out the little details and let you know when you've got something wrong with the system or procedure or whatnot.

 

I wouldn't be concerned with the word count or even sustaining the word count of previous chapters.  Sometimes, it's just the way the words come out.  You have a chapter that 3k...and then all of a sudden the next chapter is closer to 8k.  Just focus on telling the story, don't worry about how many words.

 

I'd REALLY like to see more of this.  I like where it's going and it's got a very interesting subject matter.  I would really like to see where you go with it.

 

Best!

Myi

[joann414]

I think it's a go ahead also.  There's a lot to be ironed out, and made more plain to the reader.  I got a little confused in places, but after reading Cia and brinks comments, things became a little clearer to me.

 

Definitely see this part as a prologue though.  I wouldn't trash can it because the storyline leaves a lot of openings for drama, humor, romance, etc.  Lot of possibilities here.

 

As Myiege pointed out, the word count is the least of your worries. 

 

JMO

[Ron]

Cia, Brink, Myi and Joann. Thank you all for your thoughtful consideration and for your time. Each of you have given me something to think about to be sure. I don't believe I will trash can it but I will most definitely rework it. It seems you all see some merit in this. So, more work to be done - it wasn't unexpected.

 

 

Thanks again, much appreciated.

Ron