Forty-Two

Hey Hamen, Glad you were receptive to my review I understand now that you are writing for yourself and not your readers, which is the main purpose of GA existing, after all. However, I was reviewing from a different perspective, so it seems that most of my points are now moot. As a reader, it is very hard to give any useful constructive criticism when the author is only writing and posting to satisfy himself. You probably would have gotten more out of a simple "nice story" review. I will keep this in mind before reviewing other authors' works. I certainly agree that it would be pointless to cut Charlie's word count in half - you would lose the story. I was just giving you an idea of what the stats are like with published works. I still feel the story could benefit from being tightened, removing elements that only contain secret meaning for you, a little less description, a little more plot (and plot doesn't have to be intense action or exclude character development), and stylistically be more like part four all the way through, but, this whole point is still moot if the story is the way you like it. I got the sense that in several places you feel I didn't "get" the story or what you were trying to achieve with a specific scene or character. When you explained your intent with things such as the psychologist purposely being extreme, Derek not actually having many friends despite being "popular", his attitude to his phone, his mother's feelings toward his father, and the hyperbole coming from Derek's skewed narration, they were in line with what I thought your intent was. My comments were based on feeling you weren't quite achieving the effect you wanted or achieving it as well as you could have. But again, if that's the way you like these elements, then there's no reason for you to change them. In Part Four I felt the writing focused more on plot and had much better focus and flow than parts one through three. The epilogue didn't have this feeling. The writing style wasn't as fluid or engaging, the focus seemed to be on the wrong elements at times. It felt like you lost all the stylistic improvements you made in part four. I can't really give any more detail without going back and re-reading to highlight specific elements, sorry. With regards to the narration vs. speaking style, I was referring to the whole story while Derek is the first person narrator. I was aware Derek was "speaking" throughout the whole story when I made my comments. I tried to keep this as concise as possible, but am always open to discussing more if you are interested. Good luck with current/future projects! Forty-Two

Note: Spoilers abound! If you have not yet read the whole story and are worried about spoilers, do finish the story before reading this review. Hey Hamen, So, sorry I didn't write any reviews as I read Charlie. Nothing frustrates me more than seeing the read count go up on one of my stories but not getting any new reviews. Hopefully the following makes up for not reviewing. This is going to be very long. Sorry. I have strong opinions, and I'm verbose. In your responses you've said you are open to constructive criticism. I hope you truly mean that. These sites are awesome for authors getting support and feedback, and I love GA, but the main problem is that everything gets rated four or five stars. According to the stats, every story posted is amazing, and essentially perfect. That is simply not true, and not a real-world reflection of the quality of writing represented. Although I enjoyed Charlie enough to read all the way through, there are several chapters I would have rated one or two stars. Hope you are okay with hearing why. To start, I think Charlie is a good story. The idea, the characters, and the general plot are all interesting and well thought out. I was skeptical for the first several chapters about it being unique and not following the same "meet, struggle, fall in love" plotline as you usually read on these sites. It wasn't until Derek made his first homophobic hate statement that I believed this story was following a road less travelled. I enjoyed the slow reveal of Derek's tortured past and my confusion about why he felt so much seemingly random hate. The child abuse and hateful views of Derek's father are so very reflective of real-world hate mongers. Bad people aren't just born that way, they are created out of nature and nurture. In fiction and real life I really enjoy the psychological exploration of how people who think or do terrible things come to be that way. The biggest problem with Charlie is that it is too long. Way, WAY too long. 163 275 words for a drama/comedy/love story is simply too much to keep discerning readers engaged. In one of your comments you mentioned something like, "If only I was being paid to write this." If you are serious about one day becoming a professionally published author, then one of the first things you need to do is research your genre. The average published novel in this genre is probably somewhere around 75 000 - 90 000 words. Of course, lots of novels are longer, but they are usually things like epic fantasies or psychological thrillers. This is because they have so many characters and such long, convoluted plots. Your story (and almost all romances) simply doesn't have enough plot or characters to warrant such a lengthy word count. The readers who pick romances off the shelf do not want to be taxed with lengthy descriptions, teasing lead-ups, and endless unanswered questions. They are looking to be quickly engaged, immediately entertained, and to have things wrap up before they have to get on with the next chore in their life. Most romance readers are looking for a quick, easy, fun read. 163 275 words does not meet that criteria. This is the kind of detail that will make any book agent or editor immediately toss your manuscript into the slush heap without even giving a glance to the plot or characters. A professional book editor told me that tightening a novel always produces a better reading experience. I then went through the process of cutting 35 000 words out of a novel. It was so HARD. All authors resist chopping up their baby. It is a painful, long, frustrating, and daunting experience. But I learned, it is also so very necessary. The final result was much improved. The amount of detail you have created for your characters, setting, and world is amazing and necessary to the beginning stages of structuring and outlining a good story. The problem comes when you go to describe these details to your readers. Authors have to be very aware that while their understanding of their story is informed by 100% of the world they have created, readers only need to know (and have the patience to learn) about 15% of that world. Your main characters are described and characterized well, but some of the secondary characters are filled out to unnecessary extremes. The psychologist, for example, has multiple paragraphs of description, and she is in the story for all of what, two or three chapters? Although her extremes are entertaining, they are mostly superfluous. Rebecca's mom is also described in way too much detail. Secondary and background characters need very little description, just enough to serve their function in a story. After all, if they needed detailed characterization, they'd be main characters, wouldn't they? As you are editing, in any genre you must constantly ask yourself, "Is this advancing the plot?" If not, don't hesitate to cut it, your readers will never miss it. If it is not plot advancement but character development, ask yourself if it is absolutely necessary. Is this something readers already know, or is it something they can infer from the character's actions instead of being told directly? If so, cut it. The chapter that immediately comes to mind when asking this question is the one where Charlie gets a job. The only necessary points to get across are a) Charlie has a job, which takes one sentence to explain, that Charlie is helpful and good natured with a little pushing from his mom, which again takes about one sentence and is already seen through Charlie's other actions, and c) that Derek can be selfless when it comes to helping Charlie and hanging out with him, which again only takes a sentence or two to get across. Characterizing the old man, describing the store and the work they do, and the whole thing with the young kid buying the video game are all completely superfluous. I get you are trying to show (instead of telling) Derek has a softer side and that is what Charlie sees and loves about him, but we already know that just from where they are in their relationship in that point. Even if we don't see a direct example of it, we know from how Charlie idolizes Derek that he sees a savior and a good person. This chapter is giving us no new information on their personalities, so cut it, please! A quick paragraph summarizing Derek giving up his weekend day to help Charlie at his new job before going into the next plot oriented chapter is all that is needed here. There are several chapters like this in the story - especially the first half - that really get in the way of advancing the plot. As you edit, constantly ask yourself, "Is this engaging my readers, or is it causing them to suffer fatigue?" After almost every chapter in Part 1 and Part 2 I wasn't sure if I would keep reading because it was taking so long for the characters to start doing anything. You also must be careful when giving visual descriptions of settings and background info on groups and places. Like secondary and tertiary characters, with places like the high school, mall, restaurants, and psych office, although you have all these fantastic details outlined in your head, your readers only need to know the essentials. Everyone has been to a mall and can imagine your characters in one. Unless it is essential to plot development, describing the features and layout of any mall is boring. Everyone can imagine a "classic fifties diner" from that description alone. Derek's musings on the weirdness of Neo Japanese dining are entertaining, but make sure you just tell enough to make the readers get the joke and then move on. A few descriptions on the school are necessary, especially for those readers who have never seen a private school, but again, keep it simple and relevant. The psychiatrist's office is WAY too excessive, but I will return to that on a later issue. Believability is another major issue I have with the story. I love Derek's attitude about perfection. Self assured, arrogant characters are so much fun, especially the joke about him disliking people who are full of themselves. This sets up the comedy aspect of your story well. However, comedy is very, very difficult to write. It is possibly the most difficult genre to write to well and to reach a wide audience, because readers' comedic tastes are so varied and fickle. Comedy can be a great medium get across an idea, and it does blend well with drama, but again, it is a very difficult thing to do. I commend you on your dedication and efforts here. I think the comedy/drama blend is a great approach for this story. It still needs a little polishing though. My sense of humour is very dry, so I am not a great judge, but I didn't have any laugh-out-loud moments in your story. That didn't bother me though, because the "comedic" elements read as hyperbole to me, and I enjoyed them in that way. Rebecca toting an axe was fun. Derek's love for his sexy car is done well (although I really don't think a car from the 90s can be considered "classic".) The problem arises when readers can't tell what is meant as hyperbole and what is meant as serious drama. Read it the wrong way, and what is meant as a joke comes off as cheesy or unrealistic, breaking the readers suspension of disbelief and jarring them out of the moment of the story. Some moments are just taken too far. Derek watching the bug get eaten by the frog is so obviously there just for the metaphor that it has no dramatic appeal. The exchange with Rebecca's mom would be good if it were simple, but her mom is SO intense and overbearing it just leaves readers wondering why she is such a bossy, meddling parent. Mrs. C's dominant personality can be entertaining, but again when it goes too far or goes on for too long, it just comes off as ridiculous and unnecessary. Derek's mom also sometimes overreacts outside of the boundary of reality when defending her son. The idea of Rebecca's dominant personality is good, but it sometimes doesn't come off well, needs a little polishing and different wording to make readers laugh instead of wonder why she's insane and who in their right mind would be friends with her. That the stoplight is always green for Derek is great, and it works well to set up the one time it is red, but we really do not need the stoplight's whole life story. It is an odd shaped intersection known to cause accidents. Got it. Readers have not selected a comedy/drama about a teen and his gay best friend to read half a chapter on the history of a traffic light. It needs to be tightened, a lot. Derek's cell phone. What teenager would hate his cell phone? Especially a popular kid? This makes no sense. And the lengths you go to to try and justify it only make the unrealistic nature that much more obvious. Keep it simple. Derek is resentful of the phone because it is a present from his dad. He forgets about it because since he can't have it at school, he doesn't carry it around much. Done. There are a few moments in the story where you try to justify why the obvious thing is not happening. Be very careful with your reasoning in these places. If you can't work in a quick, simple, and believable explanation, then you have to re-write your scene to meet readers expectations, even if makes your plot point harder to write. The challenge will make you a better author for future stories. The psychiatrist's office hits on the length issue as well as the believability issue. Not only are the descriptive paragraphs excessive, the idea alone that it would be so huge with so much seating makes the story read as amateur. Psychiatrists run tight schedules and pay excessive rental fees to have professional looking offices in downtown cores. The exorbitant cost of the size of rooms you describe with a full kitchen is just too unbelievable. It would cost way too much and she would not be so free with her time. The core idea is good - lots of seating to read the patient's personality from their actions. But, it needs to be simplified. You can get the same idea across with only three or four seating options in a normal sized office. That way the reader can focus on the comedic elements of the psychiatrist's personality and fashion. But again, be careful which things you make light of. Her fashion sense is a good way to get humour. Her dismissive attitude makes sense when dealing with a teen who doesn't want to be there. But the professional boundaries she crosses with flirtation, threats, and insults destroys her credibility as a realistic dramatic character Derek will end up being emotionally reliant on. On the other side of things, some details are left a little to vague. Luke is a secondary character, so you don't want to fall into the trap of giving his life story, but when every sentence describing him is hyperbolically evil, he comes off as nothing but a two-dimensional "insert homophobic bad guy here" character. We know Derek hates him, but why does everyone else? Luke could benefit from being portrayed as a little more well rounded. Derek's father. It is a total "What the heck?" moment that disengages readers the first time you mention Derek's father hasn't been home in years. That is a really important point to make and needs to be worked in much earlier. It is great how the details of their family's past are revealed slowly, and Derek's attitude is a spot-on representation of a teenager's want to please being mixed with resentment. But it makes absolutely no sense why Derek's mom isn't divorced if she never even talks to her husband. The relationship is explained and worked through really well in the end, but something needs to be done to make the early parts understandable. And how does being in construction give Derek's dad any kind of sociological power? It would make a lot more sense if he were in something like politics. Emo boy Jared. DON'T TOUCH A THING. He is described just enough to remember he is around but not enough to be conspicuous. He was the perfect surprise villain. Travis was also characterized enough but not too much. Andrew was pretty good, although his perceptiveness seems to come out of nowhere in his first chat with Derek and he offers too much insight too soon. I noted you said in one of your responses that as you were writing, you wanted to change something in an earlier chapter, but it was already posted so you re-wrote the later part of the story to make it fit, even though it didn't come out as well as it would have. This type of thing makes me cringe and want to cry. Why, WHY would you cheat yourself like this? I understand in the e-fiction format authors are excited to post their first chapters before they are done writing later chapters to get feedback and encouragement, but this is not like airing a TV show. You have the power to go back and make changes to things that are already posted. You can make a simple author note at the beginning of a later chapter to let readers know there has been an edit. This is one of the awesome benefits of e-fiction and the greatest tool to allow authors to learn and grow. Take advantage of it! No professional author keeps their first draft. Most professional authors publish draft four or five-B - or fifteen-H. Re-read your writing, edit, edit, take a break, and do more editing. As the story changes and develops while you write it, go back and fix those consistency errors in earlier chapters. This isn’t a choice. It is a must if you want your stories to be fluid, professional, and keep readers engaged. Beta readers will help a lot with this process. I know they are hard to find and even harder to keep on task and on schedule, but do your best to find them. There is a HUGE difference in part four of Charlie where you had beta readers. It was tighter, smoother, more interesting, better written. Did your betas read the epilogue? I would guess not, because it fell back to the earlier style of writing. Betas will also help you with your language issues. I'm sure you're aware you have the standard grammar and sentence structure mistakes that every author misses with their own work. But your writing style regarding narrating vs. talking could also use some extra polishing. Derek's narration is actually pretty good. But the formal word choice and stiff sentence structure when people are speaking does not read as real. Young Charlie and Young Derek speak the same as their eighteen-year-old selves who speak the same as the adults in the story, which is really unnatural and jarring. Kids use simple words and short sentences, even the mature ones. Teenagers use contractions and slang. Teenagers take the easy way out, and would never say something like, "I profess your machinations are rather rudimentary," when they could say, "Dude, you're a tool!" instead. Your sentences weren't this bad, but I'm exaggerating to make my point. Adults in a professional setting - such as the principal punishing Derek - will tend to be a little more formal. But remember to treat them as three-dimensional characters too. When they get mad or passionate, something like, "Mr. Hampton, if you do not get an attitude adjustment this instant, I will slap a suspension on you faster than your flashy wheels can make it from zero-to-sixty. Got it, hot shot?" is much more palatable than something like, "Mr. Hampton, if you do not adjust your errant behaviour I will be forced to take extreme measures against you, are we clear?" Also, it is fine if you always want to write happy endings, but if a story isn't turning out that way, don't force it into a mold. You'll wreck it. Let the story take the best path, and if it ends up being not what you originally set out to write, that's not a bad thing. (I do feel Charlie ended well. It was thematically consistent the whole way through.) Any artist (or businessman, or student, or anybody) benefits from workout outside of their comfort zone. I challenge you to write a short story (under 1 000 words) that is a tragedy. These types of exercises, although maybe not enjoyable, well make you a better author, even when you are writing in your comfort zone. So, there you have it. Hopefully you made it to the end of this looooooong review, which I realize is kind of ironic (hypocritical?) considering my stance on keeping written projects as short as possible. But I wouldn't have taken the hours (seriously, hours) I did to write down my thoughts if I didn't think you were worth the investment of my time. Although all this criticism may be coming off as rather harsh, honestly, I do think you are a good writer with lots of potential. That's why I want so badly to see you improve. I really hope I have helped you and encouraged you. In no way is my goal to bring you down. Criticism like this can be really hard to take, and it will take some time and probably a few re-readings several days apart to digest it all. I promise you, if you take the time to objectively review your work and give it a hard-core, no-holds-barred round of chopping and editing, you will be so proud of your final draft and in a much better position to write your next project. You are at the stage in your writing where you have grown but are still struggling to get out of your cocoon. But the future butterfly you does show through. Your italicized introductions to each section are my favourite parts of the story. They are, in a word, perfect I bet that's because you put a lot of extra thought and care into shaping those paragraphs, re-read them multiple times, and wouldn't let them go until they met your highest standards. Apply that effort to the whole story, and you will have something that lives up to the all the stars your readers have given your work. All the best and good luck! Forty-Two

Stuck in a freezing apartment on Christmas Eve, a young artist and a young writer must huddle together and try to heat each other up.

It was cold. So damn cold. So damn freaking cold! Barrett kicked the broken radiator. A rusted knob fell to the floor and the serpentine shaped metal let out a dying groan as the last bit of luke-warm water burbled onto the floor. Dammit, Barrett swore to himself. He wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders. He could barely keep his grip on its edges with his numb fingers, despite the thick ski gloves he was wearing. The front door to the apartment slammed. The sheet of ice that ha

There’s something Killian has been hiding from Joseph and all his friends. When the secret finally comes out, Killian has to fight to hold onto his treasured friendships.

He slapped me. I couldn’t believe it! What the hell? Who does that? “You slapped me!” I yelled, unable to get past the shock. “You’re a goddamn liar!” he accused, his face getting red from the rage. “I never once lied to you!” I stated firmly, truthfully. I rubbed my stinging cheek. “A lie by omission is still a lie.” “Bullshit. You assumed. You saw what you wanted to see.” “Get out,” he growled. “Don’t be an ass! I’m sorry. Please, just let me explain.” “Get out!” he scr

A young doctor struggles to deal with death.

If Only One Could Be So Lucky “… total to two hundred and eighty-nine dead and forty-six injured. The cause of the malfunction–” “–news stories today. A landing gear malfunction caused a small international–” “–hospitals overwhelmed with demand, so if you need to visit an emergency room officials are asking–” “Fucking AM news stations, shut up!” I scream and smash my fist against the face of the car’s radio. I only look up from the display when I hear the long frantic honk of a

Date: 11/10/2010 12:39 PM Title: Chapter 8 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday That was a quickie , hehe, nah the different chapter lengths help keep things fresh and interesting. A little telling in the beginning of the chapter, it pans out nicely into action. All good. Yup, not much else to say this time. Going to read some more... Author's Response: Wow, it was short eh? I guess it makes up for some of the earlier chapters being kinda long. I think I had finally finished the last edits at like 3 in the morning and really wanted to post right away so I just kinda threw chapter breaks in wherever (I hardly ever make chapters as I'm writing, I always go back and break the story down later). Is there any rule about chapter lengths and whether consistancy in length is good, bad, or neutral? I think the opening and ending of the chapter is more important than the length. YOu want to draw your reader in right at the start and leave them wanting more. Hopefully my chapters do that most of the time (And since I posted it all at once everyone could keep reading and wouldn't feel cheated by a short chapter, lol) Date: 11/10/2010 12:14 PM Title: Chapter 7 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Math, dead puppies, and politics, eh? Two wouldn't work for me. I find smart sexy, lol! Okay, love the level of conflict coming in here. I'd like to say Chase hasn't got a chance--because for some reason he annoys me. Too cocky, too I dunno, slimey? Something doesn't sit right, of course, that could just be because I like Zane and don't like the competition, haha. Yeah, this was another sweet read. Nice. One thing I noticed, which isn't wrong, but which I felt would have been stronger without is this line: "The drive-in double feature was awkward." Then it went into detailing the evening. First delving into set up with the parents lending the car and how they all piled in. I think you SHOW the awkwardness perfectly, and don't need this line summarising what's about to come--at least not like this. What if this opening was something like: Shit, this was freaking awkward. I glanced between Zane and Chase next to me, either side. The seating arrangements just had to work out this way.... Okay that wasn't the best, but I just wanted to illustrate another way of approaching that beginning. That way, (I feel at least--feel free to totally ignore me) it gets to the fun bits faster. But that was very minor, because I thought this was great. :DDD Author's Response: Heh, smart can be sexy, but would someone doing quadratic equations while dressed like a senator as you were all hot and naked really keep the heat going? Unless they were writing the equations on your skin with chocolate sauce... Brandt's seventeen and an artsy kid, so I figured he'd find math and politics boring Lol, I love that you don't like Chase. I love him because he's so cocky and slimey. In all honesty, Chase is kind of like a gay Shea... think what you will what that says about Brandt. And you know what I said about secondary characters getting big enough in your head to support their own story? Yep, there's totally a whole sequel/current-quel (parallel-quel?) in my head about Chase and what he did that summer. He certainly isn't redeemed, but you do come to understand him better. I really like what you said about how to start the drive-in part. That defininely will read better re-written with your suggestions. Thanks million for the great ideas! And all the reviews! *bows to the floor in honour of your awesomeness* Date: 11/10/2010 12:03 PM Title: Chapter 6 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Ahhh, now that was just AWESOMENESS wasn't it! Action was perfect in this chapter, and YAY,they kiss. *makes kissy sounds --woohoo! Codeine says yes! LOL. That's so cute. Love it. Okay, seriously, the flow was just right in this chapter. That first kiss came out of the blue, but totally in a good way. Yay, looking forward to reading on... Author's Response: Heh, hopefully Brandt doesn't start to rely on drugs to get him through all the stressful events in his life Glad the kiss was unexpected. I figured it was getting pretty obvious how Zane felt and Brandt knows what he thinks/feels but just won't admit it so BAM, I gave him a kick in the butt to get on with it. Looking forward to the rest of your reviews... Date: 11/10/2010 09:12 AM Title: Chapter 5 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Oh, what an ending there. Haha, Shea soooo deserved that, lol. Poor Brandt, man Shea's a bit of a dick. Okay--since this is an earlier writing piece, you probably know now the problems with flashbacks. It really does draw the reader out of the flow of things. It makes it just a little too much work, when (I think) reading should be entertainment. Easy. Of course, if you ever did decide to re-edit this, it's a pretty easy fix. Just write in a natural time-line, I think this chapter can handle it. (Note--of course there are times for flashbacks, just here I think it would flow better without). You bring up some excellent issues: “Well, I guess it’s technically your money, so it’s your decision to buy the boys whatever they want and spoil them.” --this here is very interesting, and such a real problem. Yeah, I like the way you show the issues the parents have in this story. It gives the story even more realism. Loving the story, Forty-Two. I think it's you that rocks! Author's Response: Yes, I see what you say about flashbacks. The reason the chapter is structured like it is is because I wanted to start the chapter in the middle of the fight, just like how the first chapter starts. My reasoning was that the little bit of catch up info was worth it to start the chapter on a more dynamic note that pulls the reader in right away. I didn't think that explaining how/why they got to the boat shop in a paragraph or two would be that onerus. It could be re-written straight-forwardly, but I'd lose that interesting opening. I can't stand when a chapter starts with something as bland as, "We woke up and after breakfast we walked down to rent a power boat." There's nothing interesting about that. And it's more awkward for the reader to see the fight without knowing what the big deal is, more like if you're standing there beside them and wishing you'd gotten to the store ten minutes earlier or later. And wow, that explanation was long and sounds so defensive which I wasn't meaning to be. I appreciate the advice but in this case kind of like how it is. However, if there is a quicker way to sum up how/why they got there I'd re-write that to make it easier on readers. Glad you like the issues with the parents. I like filling in all the characters around my central one. So often the main character complains about parents but readers never really see them much. Thanks for being such a constant reviewer! Perhaps we should agree that we both rock Date: 11/10/2010 08:46 AM Title: Chapter 4 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Okay, another good chapter, although this one was perhaps a touch slower than the last two. I really liked Brandt's reaction to Zane on the dock, that felt sweet and sort of made my own stomach flutter too. Nice. I love how frank and honest Zane is, though I admit at some points his dialogue feels a little forced. It made me think he should be a psychologist, or something. Now, let me be clear here, the CONTENT of what he says is good, I like this level of analysis--but I wonder he'd be so articulate about it. Hmmm, I think it was this sentence that didn't feel right: "Maybe he really has matured a bit, enough to try and behave better in front of your parents. But because you’re his little brother he still wants to establish dominance over you.” But, in saying that, there is a lot to this chapter that I REALLY liked. hehe, Zane's folks are nuts. They just love the letter 'z' huh, lol. Glad to say I'm not THAT bad. hehe. Also, I loved the setting. The stars--it is romantic. The slow build between Zane and Brandt is working very well at the moment. This is the type of tension I like in a story. Nice. Nice. and more of that. Author's Response: Hmm, I think you're right about Zane's dialogue. Now the question is, what would sound better? Something like, "Maybe he really has matured enough that he cares about changing the dynamic between him and your parents but he hasn't matured enough to realize the dynamic eventually has to change between you two too." Gah, that doesn't sound any more natural does it? Hmm, I will have to think on it... The thing I want Zane to get across is that he sees that Shea feels like if he doesn't torture Brandt then he's lost the position of power (the feeling of superiority) of being the older brother. He doesn't yet realize that they don't have to fight just because they're siblings, they can be friends once they're both adults. He's still too immature to accept that they can be equals. Zane's parents CHOSE to have seven kids. Of course they are totally nuts Glad you like the slow build so far... but the pace is not immune to fluctuation Thanks so much for the review! Date: 11/10/2010 08:31 AM Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Okay, I don't have much to say this chapter, just that it flowed and was darn easy to read. I like the mix of confusion and sexual tension you have threaded in here--it feels very, ah, real. I mean, when I think about my own teenage years and learning about myself it was exactly that. A mix of crazy emotions and feelings that manifested themselves in all sorts of weird, wonderful and, um, embarrassing ways. (I'm just saying it like it is). Sweet, thanks for the read. I hope to get more in soon, would love to continue, but promised to watch something with the hubs. Will get back to it as soon as I can! Author's Response: Author's Response: Date: 11/09/2010 01:45 PM Title: Chapter 2 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Ohhh, now that was a step up. The action had just the right amount of balance with background info. Nice. “Yeah right! You know how long she takes in the bathroom doing all that hair and make-up stuff?" --I was just thinking about this. Actually out of all the girls and guys I know, the majority of guys( and (actually none) of the girls) I know take a really long time getting ready. Yeah, the only people I know to take more than fifteen mins in the bathroom are boys, lol. hehe. "If I go more than a day without becoming immersed in fictional written world, I just get anxious and annoyed and irritable with everyone and everything around me." --you could be talking about me here. You, too? Good chapter. Author's Response: Glad you think so! (What happens in chapter 2 again? I bet it's Chase. Lol.) A friend's girlfriend was just like this at a cottage so the really girly fashion stuff is actually based on her. But I figured Shea is probably pretty into his image too so he needs a girl that is even worse than he is to make him feel better Fictional worlds, on and off. When I'm in a good book or series I can't put it down and shun real life. When I'm not currently immersed in something or am mourning the end of a good book/series, I like to stay away and make up my own worlds Thanks again for the review! You still rock! Date: 11/09/2010 01:24 PM Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Ohhh, I feel this is going to be great. I'm REALLY surprised this only has eight reviews, seriously, I would have expected that for just chapter one alone. Okay, well, since this story is completed and not popping up in the queue, I'll post both positive and constructive commetns in the review. If this bothers you feel free to PM me and I'll figure out another way to pass on the messages. Okay, first off: ZANE--that is such a cool name. The 'z' gives it spunk, and I like that. "My mom once gave my sister her pack of birth control pills right in front of two of her guy friends because that just happened to be the moment when Mom remembered they were in her purse.” ROFL!OMG, that is sooo embarrassing, but also, I'm ashamed to say, sort of the way I work too. haha, I would totally only remember them when seeing two guys that could potentially get my daughter pregnant (okay I have a son, so I guess this would be condoms)--shoot, I hope my head is a little bit more screwed on right THAT day, one day. I like how this starts. It's immediately engaging. One minor crit I have with this chapter is that there is perhaps too much background info. Don't get me wrong, it's interesting, it just seemed a little out of proportion, esp. for the first chapter. This is the chance you have to capture your audience. I really like how you did this with Corrupted. I really do want this depth of character to come through, it's all good, I'm only thinking of placement here. And, of course, it's just my opinion. hehe. Author's Response: Woo new reviews on an old story! You are awesome! Closer to Myself feels alive again! Eight reviews is a lot for me. The only story I've written that's gotten more than eight is Corrupted. I pretty much orgasmed when I first hit the double digits in review count! I also posted this all at once so that probably had something to do with it. Not popping up in the queue? Do you mean in the forums? That would be because I posted this before I even had an account for the forums and such and didn't even know there was a place I could make discussion threads. And c'mon, eight reviews, no one would have posted anyway But feel free to leave whatever comments you want here. I'll take the good and the bad all in the public eye Glad you like "Zane". You will also enjoy his siblings names then Ah yes, Zane's mom is always in the moment. Zane has some other good stories too. I agree about too much background. I should punish myself for starting almost right away with a flashback. That's just lame. But at the time I couldn't think of a way around it. Maybe if I look at it with fresh eyes I can move the info around to a bit better spot. I like your opinion! Thanks so much for such a detailed review! You rock! Date: 11/09/2010 12:16 PM Title: Epilogue Reviewer: jhol7689 Cute story I enjoyed it and even though you think Shea might not care for his brother he shows it when he went after chad and accepted his little brothers sexuality and is only dissapointed how he treated Zane. great job Author's Response: Thanks! Shea was a pretty fun guy to write. I love characters who are beautiful, charismatic, and popular and who know it and have no problem letting everyone else know they know it. Shea was developed around the idea of inverting the stereotypical best friend/brother character who freaks out and is a jerk when the protagonist comes out. Shea is an ass on any given day and loves giving Brandt a hard time, but his true feelings and attitude are much deeper and more accepting than almost everyone else. I hope I did him justice. Date: 08/14/2010 10:48 PM

Just posting reviews: Title: Chapter 15 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday And BANG DRAMA SUSPENSE TENSION (that sickness in my gut when I KNOW something bad's about to happen.) It just SUCKS for poor, poor Zane. Knew not to trust that Chase boy! Rrrrrr. Well, while it's pretty ah, sucky, what happens here, I understand that at 17 it's easy to make stupid mistakes and do things you regret and hurt people you really don't want to hurt. Well, huh. Let's see how this pans out, but I can't imagine it's good. Author's Response: Bad but sexy so it's kinda worth it Yes, Zane gets totally screwed in this. Sucks to be the guy who has it all figured out and is so nice about everything that he just gets used and walked all over. Brandt doesn't deserve him. Of course we shouldn't trust Chase At least he didn't decide to go after Zane when he left (whoops, little spoiler there). Yes, this story is about harsh truths and they are that no-one is perfect. Lots of people get tempted and lots give in, especially teenagers. This story just wouldn't have had the same reality if Brandt was all perfect and honourable. Date: 11/10/2010 02:55 PM Title: Chapter 18 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Well, well, well. Things with the mom and dad make sense. Good to have that wrapped up. A couple of things. The ending here felt a little rushed. I would have liked to have seen another scene with Zane and Brandt showing how obviously uncomfortable things were between them in front of the family, showing how hurt they were in their own diff. ways. Also, IF this were a romance this would have to go on another 5-10 chapters where B redeems himself and such. But I accept this is more a piece of reality than a Happy Ending story. All I'm saying is that this has the potential to be made into one. But, in all honesty, at 17 you don't often end up with the love of your life, or your first. It would, however, be really interesting to have a story either B. or Zane set when they are older and find the right thing for them. Haha, I'm I romantic slut--do anything to get a couple toghether and happily in love. Maybe make a short story of it? --see, I really don't give up! Okay, ignore the pleading. This was a great fun read. I hope loads more read it! And you get more reviews, 'cause I swear it deserves more. Thank you for writing and sharing your talent. Author's Response: Yeah, Mom and Dad are one of the only things that really gets closure, huh? Hmm... what would showing more of Zane and Brandt's awkwardness have really accomplished? We know they're upset with each other, and detailing how they ignore each other or how Brandt tries to appologise and Zane ignores him isn't really giving any new information. Yeah, I think people do expect things to wrap up more. But you're right, it's not a typical romance and I purposely didn't want to tie up all the loose ends in a happy story. The ending is is the car coming home, paralleling the start in the car arriving at the cottage. Brandt is frustrated and doesn't know how things will turn out. But even though he hasn't gotten what he wanted, he finally knows what that is, and that was the whole point of the self-discovery journey. Whether he and Zane get back together or not is irrelevant from that perspective. And yes, it is very fictional to say they would be each other's first and only loves. Heh, you romantic slut, that's why the epilogue is open ended. I think Brandt doesn't deserve Zane because he's too immature and too unsure of what he wants and how he wants it to give Zane what he needs as a teen. You can't respect Zane until he sees that and has the guts to say no to Brandt. It's not until Brandt is in his thirties that he and Zane are finally on the same page. Thanks so much for reviewing every chapter! This really picked up my spirits! (And boy did they need it!) Thanks for being my review fairy and I hope others follow in your awesome example! Date: 11/10/2010 02:54 PM Title: Chapter 17 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday what a mix of feelings in this chapter. I really feel for the both of them. Ahhh, good. Good. Thanks for the read. Author's Response: I find the best arguments to write are the ones where you find yourself agreeing with both people in the fight. Hopefully this was one of them. Poor messed up boys. Glad you're feeling it and still liking it. Date: 11/10/2010 02:51 PM Title: Chapter 16 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday I seem to have not left a review for this and the following chapter. Must have got carried away, lol. Basically, good brother bonding time. Yeah, I'll leave this one at that. hehe. Author's Response: Some of Shea's lines are really great. I think I said this somewhere else, but it's worth repeating that Shea is built around the reverse of the stereotypical good brother/best friend character who is so great and supportive and then turns into a total dickwad when Main Guy comes out. Shea is a dick brother most of the time but he is caring and loyal when it really counts. He's Brandt's rock in that way and that's why I say the story is more about Brandt and Shea than Brandt and Zane. Glad you liked it so much you forgot to review the first time around! Date: 11/10/2010 02:45 PM Title: Epilogue Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Well, I guess I jumped the gun a bit with my last review. I wrote it imagining it was the last chapter, as you said you felt the story really ended there. Overall this is AWESOMENESS ABOUNDS! Highly recommend to read. And yes, my opinion is the story ends after 18, too. Anyway, um, yeah, lots happened in this epilogue. Well...it was very sad, actually. And dramatic--it perhaps felt a little too dramatic an ending for the preceeding story. I mean there was a certain expectation with the way the earlier chapters were written as to the TONE of story. The drama perhaps puts this off kilter a little. Still, you rock! Looking forward to more (I think I've driven that point home enough, huh!) hehe Author's Response: I'm really glad that I got your honest opinion before you knew what was in the epilogue. It's great knowing how readers feel as they go along, not just what they think when they've had time to process it all at the end. Thank you so much for your overall feelings! Glad I could bring some good entertainment into your life! I have a problem with ending a story then not letting it end in my head and writing a too long too intense epilogue summing up the character's whole life. I once wrote an epilogue 20 or 30 some-odd pages long for a 200 page story. Rediculous I tell you! That's why I say that the story truely ends after the last chapter and the epilogue is just me indulging myself because it's online ficiton and I can Yes the tone is too serious. But, summing up the most important part of fifteen years or so gets heavy. And again, indulging myself, so anything goes Well, onto read your other reviews. Sorry there's only short stories left! Hopefully they hold up to the pedistal you've placed me on! Thank you, thank you, thank you! *hugs* Date: 11/10/2010 02:32 PM Title: Chapter 14 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday I'm flying through this. And I notice that my replies get shorter and shorter with my impatience to read on. I like this 'other side' shown here of Brandt and Shea. The parent stuff seems to have died down a bit, with Zane and B taking the spotlight--and hey, I'm NOT complaining . But that storyline I also find interesting. I get a giddy feeling reading your stuff, because I see SO much potential. Already I find reading your stuff easy, and everything is pretty polished. I can't wait to read newer works too, like I can tell that you've grown more with Corrupted, and, well, I just can't wait for more. Please tell me you're working on something already? Did you decide to do NaNo in the end? If not, WHY the help not? Sweet, gotta read more now... Author's Response: So glad you couldn't stop reading. Although I didn't get a chance to respond to many of your reviews before you finished the whole thing! Despite all the sex stuff with Zane, Brandt and Shea's relationship really is the most important one in my mind. Being brothers has a perminance and level of importance that isn't quite the same with first-time dating, not that that isn't special as well. Yeah, only so much family stuff can happen at once. The parents will come back into it though. Giddy? Potential? Do go on. Grown? How so? I will have to PM you about that. Glad it seems polished as I had no beta reader. Sadly everything I am working on is in my head and nothing is on the page. And no, not doing NaNo, 'cause I'm a big tool. Date: 11/10/2010 01:50 PM Title: Chapter 13 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Hotness! Yeah, real hot. You've worked this build up really well, so that, ah, this chapter really gets ya buzzing. Good stuff. Author's Response: Hee, I just glanced back and realized that chapter is a whole lotta nothin' but sex. I can see why this review is shorter than others Glad I got you buzzing Hope I can do it again some time Date: 11/10/2010 01:37 PM Title: Chapter 12 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday He's a flirt that Brandt, So, I'm getting nervous about this Chase thing. I have a feeling someone's going to get jealous--or the wrong idea pretty soon. Need to keep reading to find out... Good chappy. Author's Response: Yeah, it's nice to see Brandt come out of his shell a bit and be a flirt! How quickly one can change with a little confidence, self-acceptance, and oh yeah, drugs! Well you should be nervous. Chase is slimey remember? Date: 11/10/2010 01:25 PM Title: Chapter 11 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Mom! Terrible timing! LOL Good stuff. I want to say something to boost your ego here. But can't think of anything cool enough. hehe, you're awesome, your writing kicks butt! I'm so going to read everything of yours! So, don't get sick of me, lol. Author's Response: Yeah, good thing Sierra was there as a buffer! Thanks for even more wonderful compliments! Glad I've hooked you as a fan! I will never get sick of you! I'm only sorry I don't have more longer stories to share! Date: 11/10/2010 01:12 PM Title: Chapter 10 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Ahhh, I liked the whole thing. It's good they're talking. I think I can learn so much from you as a writer. I like your style, the way you weave description and action together and how well you manipulate the tension and conflict. And all the while there's this emotional flare to it all. It's just so good. Author's Response: Oh good. I was actually a little worried that there was too much talk right after all the talk with Sierra. Wow, you made me smile and get all warm and tingly inside! I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my writing! Thank you so much! In big conversation scenes like this I tend to write all the dialogue first and then go back and fill it in with the emotional responses and physical movements. I can't seem to focus on the stuff inside and outside of the quotes at the same time, lol! Oh well, seems to be working okay! Thanks again for all your awesome reviews! I have to go to sleep but I will respond to the rest soon! It is indeed you who rocks! Date: 11/10/2010 01:03 PM Title: Chapter 9 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Hmmm... Ah, what the heck.. “I’ve been on kind of a gay porn kick lately. I read one slash story and then found out how addictive that kind of stuff can get. The side effect is that it makes you start to see things everywhere that aren’t really there and read into the most innocent behaviours. But it’s a great way to procrastinate, especially at exam time. So much better than a lot of straight porn.” Interesting. This made me think about why I read/write gay romance. Well, I do write both--I guess any kind of romance is good, I can't seem to write a story without it, lol. Actually, the first time I played with gay characters were as side characters. Then I decided, eh, I really didn't know so much. So I researched. And I liked! It is addictive, and yeah, sometimes better than the straight stuff. So, Sierra is not so far off there, IMO. I guess I liked the honesty of this. And relatability. Good chapter. I like Sierra, too. Author's Response: Yeah, Sierra is a very layered character. Like I said, I like to build all the characters, not just the main ones. I perhaps went overboard with her honesty and detail a wee bit (okay, a big bit) since she doesn't get a lot of page time and I had so much to say about her. Glad she was relatable. She's in a gay male love story so I figured she should represent the majority of women who read gay male love stories, lol. If Brandt couldn't get advice from a gay guy, it seemed to be a good solution that a straight girl who loves gay porn would know just as much (or more). There is apparently a whole bunch of literature out there about why straight women prefer gay love stories and why they've become so popular in the last few years. It's too much detail to go into here, but we can PM about it later or whatnot. There are a few discussions about it in the forums too. Glad you like Sierra. She may be shallow on the outside but at least she's kind on the inside Date: 11/10/2010 12:39 PM

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Trip I really enjoyed this story. Both characters had distinct personalities and the tension between them was set at a great pace. I am looking forward to reading the rest of your stories. Author's Response: Thanks so much! It's so awesome you are going to read more, yay! Date: 05/27/2010 09:52 PM Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: FishWings Loved it! Seamless writing, exciting and really cute. Author's Response: Thanks! I'd actually like it if someone spotted a seam showing somewhere though... It would give me something to work on improving for the next story Date: 11/12/2009 09:10 PM Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Nephylim That was a lovely story. I particularly liked the way the story Quinn read mirrored their circumstances and all the descriptions were awesome... I mean cockroaches frozen to the window... genius Author's Response: Thanks! I try to find that delicate balance between giving enough description to pull one into the story but not too much as to make it overbearing. I had no idea there would be frozen cockroaches in the window until I typed Quinton saying it, then thought, "Yeah, this works." Date: 11/12/2009 09:43 AM Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: librent I liked it. The humour and friendship between Barrett & Quinton come through very well. I hope you are continuing to write. Author's Response: Thanks! I'm always writing, just not always putting words on a page. Hopefully I'll have another story to add soon! Date: 11/11/2009 09:50 PM Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Timmy5 Sorry, I have no constructive criticism. Just wanted to say that I really loved this cute story. : ) Author's Response: Thanks! Date: 11/11/2009 06:44 PM

Just posting the reviews so as to not lose them: Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Anyta Sunday Well, I know you want constructive criticism, but actually, I can't think of any. This was well written and fun. Okay, at a stretch, I guess I could say that a lot of paragraphs start with Barretts name. A couple could start differently. But, hell, that's reaaal nit-picky. :PCan't wait to read more of your stuff... Author's Response: Ha, lol, third person is tricky huh? Name seem repetative when a million "I"s never do I can never decide which is worse, repeating the character's name too much or using unnatural synonyms like "the painter" or "the tough young man" or whatnot. This is the first thing I ever posted (for reasons to be shared in a more private setting) so I'm glad it doesn't seem like crap compared to my newer works in which I've apparently grown Although, if this does suck compared to other people's stuff, then I really haven't improved much, huh? Oh well, this was a fun one short story and in the end I really do just write for me Thanks for the review, Review Fairy! Date: 11/11/2010 07:01 AM Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: The Nature Nut I read the reviews to this story and caught your reply to a reviewer where you expressed that you wished someone would point out a "seam." "Thanks! I'd actually like it if someone spotted a seam showing somewhere though... It would give me something to work on improving for the next story." So I read your piece with the intention of finding a seam. But during the first read, I got caught up in the story and had to read it again before I caught a few seams. Before I point them out, I want to say that I loved this story. Barrett and Quinton's characters were so different yet so complimentary. The characterization was so good and consistent that I wondered if you had based them off personality types from the Myers-Briggs Personality Sorter. Did you? Okay... grammar: I'm certainly not qualified to be an editor, but I did catch some grammatical mistakes. Sometimes you forgot to add the comma before a character address: "Seriously Quin" and “Hey Bare?” You used en dashes where you should have used em dashes. (I understand that may be a formatting issue with site program.) They shared one tiny bedroom while the other even tinier bedroom - the only room to get any decent natural light - served as a writing room slash painting studio. Use four ellipses at the end of a sentence instead of three. (Right?) I think that's right. Your dialogue was excellent. The pacing was excellent (pacing has been a challenge for many writers on this site--self included). Your excellent use of punctuation is what made the pacing good. You used hyphens really well in this sequence: "Just three minutes until piping hot-" The lights flickered once. "No, this can't be-" The lights flickered twice. "Goddamn-" Finding seams in this story was difficult. As far as the plot: maybe at the end Barrett could have looked on the table to see the pages were blank and realized Quinton had made the story up as he'd told it. Again, I loved this story. I wish I had your writing talent. I look forward to reading the rest of your works. Author's Response: Thank you, thank you, thank you for such a detailed review! You are AWESOME! I'm so glad you like the story! I didn't base their characters off of anything or anyone in particular (other than "starving artist" stereotypes), although using the Myers-Briggs Personality Sorter is a really good idea for coming up with character traits. I will keep that in mind for the future. Thanks for pointing out those little grammar errors. I will endevour to fix them The story within the story is actually written on the page to show that Quinton has been thinking and obsessing over hooking up and the perfect circumstances that would facilitate it for a while, but having the pages blank would be a neat alternative twist. Thanks again for your wonderful compliments! Fingers crossed to hear more from you on my other works Date: 05/30/2010 10:58 PM

Holy mashed potatoes Greedya, stop putting all the rest of us to shame! Actually, I think it's awesome that you're putting so much work into this story. This is the kind of environment that really helps writers, is what online posting really should be about. One sentence pats on the back are good for morale but don't help us develop at all. Good luck getting to a final draft with this one on your heels, Anyta!

Not if I see you first! (I know that was so lame, but it just had to be said )

I LOVE the idea for the sequel/continuation of the story. The main theme is definitely something that doesn't get explored enough. Nephy's comment made me remember that I was definitely expecting something bigger to happen with the heart thing, for an episode or something to be the thing that brings them together. I suppose it did a bit, but not in a climaxy way. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I like the real-world situation of just lying there and suddenly having an eureka moment.