Kavrik

Shoppers can be so pushy. You definitely captured that with the lady and the poster. Great job and the world-building is quite successful I might add.

I love recurring villains. I think that there isn't enough fantasy in written "fantasy" these days and that people shouldn't just be "dead forever" like they are in George R.R. Martin. There seems to be this huge element of people that demand more realism from fantasy and I rebel against that saying, "I want more magic, more outlandish stuff, and just yeah...the totally unbelievable."

I think it's interesting how men in Luma's stable take on child-like characteristics once they are infused with his power. It's like a transformation of the personality takes place, turning them from boys capable of standing on their own and making their own decisions to boys who need to be told to clean their room. I also loved the background on the guardian angel...7000 years is a huge amount of time. Wow... they pyramids are only 4,000 years old and were already ancient when Christ was born. You have another entire story in just that character aching to be told. Who built Luma's house by the way? I find myself wanting to know who drew up the plans or what architect envisioned it.

You should write erotica. Your words come so naturally to it that I see what you're describing with such vivid color. I did have a question... why is it that Luma's blood only does a few hundred years? I'm just used to vampires being essentially immortal. I hope Bridge is okay...on to the next chapter to find out. It was kind of shocking to see that he fell down at the end.

Wow..the heat really went up in this chapter. I think I need a cigarette.

I loved this chapter. There was excellent growth in the friendship between Christopher and Josiah and enough tension to make the chapter a quick read as I wanted to see more of Christopher and his flirtatious behavior.

There's a lot of angst here and maybe that's what makes it difficult for me to read. I keep wanting Josiah to stop whining and give Christopher a chance to explain things but he seems bent on wallowing in self-pity. Also, my feeling on dream sequences is that it needs to be disclosed early on that it's a dream, otherwise, the reader feels cheated in the investment he's given the work.

Is the name Christopher Robin somehow allegorical of Winnie the Pooh? I was trying to find Pooh like influences and maybe see if he had a companion that might have the same philosophy as Piglet but nothing really struck out at me. It's also interesting that you chose math as the subject that Christopher needed help with and though I certainly don't dispute math as having unquestionable difficulty with some people, I wondered why it wasn't a foreign language or something like that. If I had one thing I might suggest though, it would be to slow down your pacing a bit and add descriptions. I often found myself in reading the chapter thinking that it was more of a diary than an actual story because it seemed to be thoughts of a particular person rather than being immersed into his world. Bookcase with no description of actual book titles or friends that really were more or less just talking heads.

I think that this is the shortest prologue I've ever read yet it does well to setup what I think is going to be the rest of your story. I think that many of us too can understand where the feelings originating with the main character are coming from and I'm interested to see you prove to me in the following chapters that he's worth that kind of emotional investment.

I think its interesting that aside from the bloodsucking, the real thing that occupies the minds of vampires and their prey is the amount of time that they have. As if having more of an abundance of it somehow makes you more aware of its passage than muggles.

This is a beautiful story but I find myself wanting to clean it up some. You repeatedly use words (like cabin) when I think they could be condensed into simpler sentences. Plus, I don't need to be told that the boy is being careful to close the door more than once. Also, the young boy that he met on the beach has no description at all. He's just young and gay and basically that's it. Could we have some details?

Peter calls Jason a number of cute names. Soccer Boy, Boy Scout, and Mr. Romantic. How come Jason doesn't ever call Peter cute names?

I think Jason irritates me because he's so socially awkward. And the way the two of them seem to be stepping on eggshells around each other makes me want to slap them both. It's a fun read though

Best of luck to you Andy. I hope you don't hit your head and that everything turns out wonderfully You are going to make such a wonderful parent.

“D…can you lend me a knife?” Kian asked. Sir Avery’s cobalt colored eyes darted back and forth behind sweaty black bangs. He examined the semi-dark of the passage that stretched to either side of his taught body with military precision. A third path lay straight ahead; the stalwart men that followed him stood at his back, weapons drawn in the middle of the intersection. The walls on the inside of the fortress were made from human ribcages, skulls, and spinal columns covered in a paper-thin

Strong beginning on this story. I love the first line because it grabs my attention. So often, authors start stories with blase beginnings but not so with this story. Additionally, even though the protagonist doesn't get off the bed he really resonates with me on my own thoughts. I had a conversation with one of my friends about the purpose of pets and why people feel the need to keep them around. He brought up a point that I hadn't considered in so many words, "People keep pets because it's something (albeit an animal) that can take a legitimate interest in you for no other reason than you being yourself. A cat will come up and rub against your leg, or a dog will lay on the ground and wait for you to rub its tummy. It's nice when something takes an interest in you for being you." Well this whole quote started a conversation between myself and my friend about how so many times, people will use a line like, "How are you doing?" and wait for you to respond with the usual, "Well.. and how are you?" And then they'll spill their whole life's story on you because they want to dominate the conversation. They want you to be interested in them and not the other way around...they actually could care less on how you are doing. I feel in many ways that this is the case with the younger Prince...Ronnie who has an older brother that is an attention hog. He isn't interested in his younger brother for whom he is. Rather, he wants him to just sit back and be interested in his accomplishments. And you capture that flavor so well in this opening chapter. I instantly loved your prose and will watch this story for future chapters. Thank you for the great read.

In 1945, the world died in a flash of light, and I was born. On Earth, a test was conducted by the United States Army on July 16th of that year at a location about 35 miles southeast of Socorro, New Mexico at the White Sands Proving Ground. The device was called Trinity and it was an assessment of an implosion design plutonium weapon. Ground Zero was consumed in an atomic fireball; in a parallel universe a deadly burst of electromagnetic radiation erupted into the White Tower. The humans o

A Short Story

You are so right on the french kissing thing. It never occurred to me. And if Kian got separated from the others he would return to normal. It's their presence that changes him and vice versa.

Your prose is so Lovecraftian that sometimes I had thoughts that I was reading the words penned by the master of horror himself; half expecting some Great Old One or a Cthulhu minion to appear. The abuse that is featured in the story is horrific but your vocabulary distances it in an eerie way...almost sanitizing the experience to the point that the reader almost appears to be in the role of a mad doctor, taking notes and observations on things that would make your blood curdle. Bravo.

The idea of using a fallen angel as your protagonist has got me really intrigued. However, I would like to see more of his thoughts and not just explained why he's jealous of the boys or his thoughts on not being an angel anymore. I want you to show me these things...illustrate more profoundly the events that give rise to his jealousy (as an example...the joy that the two boys are having in playing their game reminds him of heaven and then show me a flashback). Anyways, please continue this story because it is very good and has huge potential.

Wonderful language and great prose in this but lord, I hate the font that you've chosen. Now, don't get me wrong...it is beautiful font but it is really difficult to read on my e-reader. Ay Carajo. Anyways, thank you for the wonderful story. I hope there's more.

Before I read this chapter, I don't think I really knew what it meant to be ravished. Now, I'd read the term before and seen it used in film and conversation etc. But I really had no grasp of what it truly meant to be ravished and you've shown me that it is a wonderful thing. From this day forward, when someone uses the term, a light shall click on and I shall say, "Aha...I know what it is to be ravished!"

Kian walked dead center with Ella Fravaugh and Henna while Dylan took point. “Ephram, you take left. Crispin, I want you on the right,” the Valion Alpha said. Both soldiers unquestionably followed Dylan’s orders. Sir Heath Falna walked behind them, watching the mist for signs of the undead. Kian could hear the young knight’s thoughts which were so focused on the task at hand; he gripped the handle of his sword in white-knuckled fury. Each of the Valions had their holy swords drawn and ready;

The mood, setting, and subject matter of this story as presented by this first chapter is immediately intriguing. I can't wait til you post more. I've so many questions about what is going on.