Kavrik

I absolutely love Star. The background information in this chapter is really well written and intriguing... of the white city and how Luma was the man in the song. A tour-de-force Nephy!

Wow what a hot story. I guess I need to frequent internet cafes more. The Spanish instructor reminded me of the guy in the Sex and the City movie that was showering while Samantha was watching him... I really liked that scene. Thanks for the read Sendraguy.

I'm incredibly verbose. I've been thinking of ways I could cut down on this in the editing process.

Kian won't join them as long as he stays faithful to his God. He has a version of murdering bastard waiting for him. I should have indicated that these were the damned souls of godless beings...

I love Shakespearean sonnets and yours are wonderfully inventive and beautiful. You have a magisterial use of language.

LOL I actually love this story. "Moonf**king time" is wonderfully inventive and then the roach burger--how nasty! It's like an allegorical statement on your part of the food quality found in malls today.

Great opening sentence to catch the reader. These are great lines but I find myself wanting more description. You pose the question, where did he get those shoes? Well describe the shoes to me so that I can enjoy them too. In an earlier part, you describe the boys eyes as blue/yellow. I was having a hard time picturing whether it was the iris that was yellow or the outside of the eye or whether it was the stunning combination of both which seemed attractive. “There” not “Their” and everywhere is one word not two. Aside from that, I think the sentence would read better if you had inserted a verb after the word guts. For example "lay" might be appropriate here. “air lock” is one word and not two. “homeworld” is one word and not two. A wonderfully entertaining read overall and the alien feel of some of your terminology really works here and draws me into your story. Going to read Chapter 2 right now.

If I'd forgotten the ring I'd just apologize to them and look for a surrogate / temporary one and promise I'd get the real one a.s.a.p.

These two sentences are hard to understand. At first I thought that your narrator was saying that he didn’t know why he liked the other boy. When I read it again, it sounded like your narrator was wondering why they weren’t buddies. These were two totally different reads. Dangling unnecessary preposition ‘before’ that you can omit. The use of ‘his words not mine’ reminds me of that conservative talk show host “Glenn Beck”. Anyways, there’s nothing wrong with using this phrase but a reword would make it less awkward. “Tim remembered you were a good camper from scouts. He said, “Jim has a head on his shoulders.” Dangling preposition again. Either drop it or reword the sentence. “The day seemed to creep by because it was Friday.” Change ever to ‘every’ You don’t need to say “shouted” and then use an exclamation point at the end of your sentence. That’s what an exclamation point does. It implies shouting. ear drums = This is one word not two. In conversation, I would use more contractions. "What you are cooking smells divine. I will stay for dinner but need to leave right after if that is alright with you." Don’t you think this would read better if it said “you’re” and “I’ll” especially from a boy. “his” not “is” This is a lovely story. However, I really think you could either use a proofreader or an editor because there are many errors in the writing which end "suspension of disbelief" which is essential to writing. The content and the characters are extremely likeable and I want to read the next chapter as the love between these two boys grows.

Okay, this chapter is well written. However, I think that it reads like a huge plot outline. In other words, you've got an entire novel here compressed into roughly one chapter. One of the main rules in writing is to show and not tell. Your narrator tells all kinds of stuff from the ungrateful family members, the switching of churches, the breeding of race horses, etc. Any one of these things would be a wonderful novel in and of itself. But when you list them one after another, the narration lacks focus and loses any magisterial art that you are able to bring to these pages. My suggestion is to expand on one of these topics and show it to us. Don't tell us the sunset was great. Show us that the sunset was profound. Don't tell us some guy was a bigot...show us he was a bigot. Hopefully some of this review is helpful to you.

These are the things I am wishing for you: A stack of good books and hot tea by the fire Family and good friends who give hugs and inspire A book deal or three and four things you want most Pancakes! Belgian waffles! The perfect french toast! Warm socks and warm hearts and warm thoughts in the air More books! More books! More books everywhere! And always the knowledge that your dreams are a rope-- Hold fast! Hold tight! Never never lose hope!

MERRY XMAS!!!!!

Just a comment on choosing to call the twins Yin and Yang. It’s original in one sense and seemingly cliché in another…mostly because Yin and Yang are seen and used everywhere. This isn’t your fault at all but with such a commonly used symbol (and I’ve seen them used in fiction as well to symbolize twins before) that it seems rather lackluster, especially if one happens to end up being bad and the other good. As an example of twins being named Yin and Yang, I think it was used in one of the novels written by Piers Anthony. A note on dialogue… I think you could use a few more contractions. I know you are using some but this: I would use we’re’ instead of we are This seems a bit redundant. I love your usage of the word “hollow” here in reference to someone being sick. It has a profoundly deep implication in the mind of the reader. By the way, I love how you write from the first person narrative in the present tense. An example is ‘I say’ as opposed to ‘I said’. It is a small change but really does add a certain crucial ingredient to your writing.

It's so unfortunate that Jason is experiencing such fear by being both gay and a sports star that it leads him to say things to Peter like "I'm really sticking my neck out just to be around you" or something similar to that. Those words sound so hurtful but at least he's cognisant of that and is trying to convey his stress at being in this situation to the man with whom he's in love. My only bone to pick with your writing thus far is your ending a sentence in a preposition outside of dialogue (I know it's necessary in dialogue but it isn't necessary in prose). Now given, sometimes ending with a preposition improves the sound of the sentence. However, I think more often than not that a slight reordering of the sentence to include the preposition elsewhere will improve the flow of the read. The following sentence still makes sense without the preposition: "Where will she be meeting you at?" The sentence retains its meaning without the word "at," so the word should be removed from the end of the sentence. "Where will she be meeting you?" sounds better aloud and looks better on paper in my opinion. This is just an example but dangling prepositions always draw my eye. = one word not two I would use a comma and not a period. "Come in and sit down," the older man said... = "halfway" is one word not two

Your vampire gets more tail than Lana Lang of Smallville. Le sigh. I love Luma and am so jealous of all the beautiful boys that he has in his stable. This is a really well written chapter and you capture the first person seduction of the vampire in a way that makes me feel that I'm somehow thrust into the role of his victim. This is a neat trick as I definitely would love to be his victim. lulz. Bravo Nephy. I think it'd be cool if the twins were Gemini.

What a lovely chapter. Your writing puts me soundly in Jason’s head so that I actually feel and sympathize with his anxiety on making out with the very nice boy Peter, desiring him, yet worried that I’ll be “outed”. It shows a lot of thought and I don’t think you’d be able to write this dialogue so well if you weren’t drawing from personal experience, much the same as Ian Flemming drew on his experience as a spy in penning the James Bond novels. Some stuff I noticed: Andy, one of these things is not like the other. I wouldn’t consider a chop shop an “industrial business”. A chop shop is a slang phrase for an illegal location or business which disassembles stolen automobiles for the purpose of selling them as parts. It may also be used to refer to a location or business that is involved with the selling of stolen goods in general, or a brokerage that sells non-existent equities, both fraud and stolen goods. Hmmm… I happen to really like “classic” cars but is “older” synonymous with “classic” here or do you mean decrepit and rundown cars? A.K.A., junkers. This seemed a little awkward because the relevant information seems out of order. I know this is dialogue but would it have been smoother if you’d written, “The landlord is kind of picky because she lives here, so most of the tenants are good folks”? Anyway, I love this story and I'm really enjoying the read. I also read everything critically (I can't really turn it off). I hope you don't mind.

Nice first chapter. I really got the sense of the isolation driving across Wyoming brings (I've made that trip on more than one occasion and I personally hate it). I don't know if I would necessarily lead the chapter with Spanish lyrics if this were my story...hmmm...the reason I say that is because it almost made me not want to read it because I didn't like not understanding the words right off the bat. But I ploughed through it to find out what was being said or written about it and you really didn't give us a definition so I'm still curious what the lyrics are saying. Anyways, I really enjoyed being in the man's head, could feel the setting in the convenience store, especially the nice bicep from the man that worked there. I'll continue to read this

Hehe. This was my capitulating to the need to write some erotica chapter. And yeah, he's basically part wolf right now which is why all of this seems interesting to him from his point of view (which is how the story is written). The reader needs to keep in mind that Kian really is in the company of wolves instead of pure humans so a lot of the way they act is going to be animal instead of human. Thanks Nephy for the review.

A sleepy baby bunny for you guys <3<3<3

This chapter was beautifully written and really put me in the mind of Jason. I could understand his angst at not knowing where to put his hands whether they be around Peter's waist or on his shoulders while on the bike. And the details at the restaurant weren't rushed at all...the pacing was perfect. Basically, it really is how a conscientious young man like Jason would act, you know? I mean I loved how he noticed that the bill had been shorted some by the hostess and how he felt the need to verify this so that he could leave a proper tip. It was very Sheldon-esque with the whole math thing going on (I love Big Bang Theory). Anyway, I love your story. It's so clean and well-behaved.

Thanks Quonus. Just as a warning, there's a chapter ahead that you've not gotten to called "In the Company of Wolves". If you want to skip that one, it won't really detract from the story as it is pretty much all sex. I just couldn't help myself and I got kinda raunchy. Sendraguy liked it tho. lol

I probably did get my numbers screwed up.

Click here for a view of the next big thing to hit the e-readers that is going to be unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas in early January. It's pretty exciting. E-ink look like paper and you can read it in the sun, though color e-ink is not yet capable of rendering video, and some find the colors to be somewhat muted. This especially appeals to me because my iPad makes my eyes tired after a while because the screen is so bright. What kind of e-reader do you guys use?

LOL pure Win. On my old guild website, we posted that for this Shaman who hated the fact that we said nom nom on vent.