Sara Alva

Ouch. The MC's pain was palpable. And yes, very honest and real.

LOL. Fun chapter.

Hey, I thought you said you didn't write risqué scenes . . . what was that little shower bit at the end, then? One little thing, and I only mention this because I've struggled with similar issues, and because you seem receptive to comments . . . usually I like to keep my mouth shut because of living in a glass house and all, but anyhoo: In little bits like those, you're giving the reader information overkill. We've figured out Darryl's problem after he speaks, so we assume Jason has, too (i.e. you don't need to say "now he understood"). And when Jason asks Pete to come in and piss, we get that he realized he had to pee. I'm working on this myself; I think it becomes an issue particularly with 3rd person limited . . . maybe that's why so many people write in first :-)

Really liked this chapter . . . narrator's struggles come through in a witty and not-too-whiny way . . . can't wait to read on

The flirty moments between Jason and Peter are so sweet and light, and then stand in such sharp contrast to their deeper, more serious discussions about Jason's need to keep things secret . . . I like it

I loved this! Such a perfect little story! Witty, a little angsty, funny, and with a happy ending. Just perfect.

Hm maybe it's just me but I thought he might have died at the end. You do write a powerful short story . . . of course I want to know more, but I guess that means you did your job drawing me in

I love little bits of reality in the middle of romantic build-up Also, I can really relate to Peter's issues with his ex Hayden-- feeling inadequate about the whole money thing-- great dialogue in that part. Came across as very realistic.

Hm, Peter seems awful willing to go along with the secrecy Jason requires right now, but I wonder how much of that is a rational decision and how much of it is emotion-clouded . . . guess I'll read on and find out

Well, I can't really help all that much, but that same thing happened to me once. I was writing something for LJ, and in the end I just gave up and copied and pasted my text there, and when I posted, they'd magically dissapeared. You might try pasting unformatted text, but you'll lose your formatting . . . and I think I probably tried that as well, to no avail, but I can't quite remember. Good luck! and P.S. I know I am the only one of my kind, but this is why I loved WordPerfect . . . when funky formatting things happened I could just press reveal codes and delete anything I didn't want!

Ah, food court at a student union, brings back the memories . . . okay so it wasn't that long ago Another great chapter! BTW I just love it when writers don't have their characters jumping in the sack in the first chapter, building up tension is sooo much better!

Hehe I was going to say the same thing, but then I wondered if maybe the people who were speaking weren't from around where I've lived. Different people speak w/ different dialects, use different contractions, etc . . . although a complete lack of contractions always makes me think of Data I started reading this on the old site when I was in lurk mode, and now I'm happy to get into it again and delurk myself. Really love the scene w/ Jason in front of his computer at the end of this chap.

Ouch! I could really feel the emotion of the MC in this piece, great work

Aw, sweet story

*sigh* My heart is mended again (I'd just read a sad one of yours!). Beautiful.

Oh no! You broke my heart! But, I have to say it was a very interesting read. I tend to be a lurker and that's sorta how I felt . . . like I was looking in on these very real-feeling character's lives.

A little birdie recommended your stories . . . I really enjoyed this one--what great, vivid characters!--and I had to finish it even though it is waaaay past my bedtime. Can't wait to read the rest!

Good suspense building! I also gave you a +1, as apparently people need 100 points to escape "Peer Review." I hope others stop by the "peer review" section and do the same for you

Hi everyone . . . I hardly ever introduce myself anywhere, but I am trying to work up the nerve to delurk myself in the various places that I lurk. Found this site around 3 months ago after a random google search led me to DomLuka's amazingly engrossing works. I had gotten really frustrated as a reader before that because I was paying to buy ebooks that turned out to be terrible (with certain notable exceptions), but luckily I discovered that there is amazing stuff out there, and it's free! I'm also an aspiring writer-- I've only posted fanfiction so far (on my livejournal), but I'm currently 75 pages into an original story that I'll hopefully stick up here one day. Well, back to reading and writing